


Lost

by Daffodil76



Series: Star Wars: Into the Soothing Dark [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Darkness rises, F/M, Galactic cataclysm, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Post-TLJ, Romance, Smut, Star-crossed, non-con elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-04-12 07:19:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 105,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19127251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daffodil76/pseuds/Daffodil76
Summary: “Lovemaking with you is dramatic,” Mara told him one year ago, just a few days into their relationship. “In a good sense. There’s something desperate about it. As if the world were to end once you let me out of your arms.”That sounded good. So finally his lack of self-control turned out to have a good side.“I think I suspected that from the moment we met,” Mara laughed. “There was such an intensity in your eyes, even if your manner remained quiet and cold. It was like a challenge. To strip you naked there and then, in the royal gardens of Neelia, and make love to you until you break and scream.”Kylo smirked.“Was this what you fantasized about back then?”“Maybe?”“You make it sound like I am irresistible.”“Well, have I ever resisted?”-------------------A year after the events of Part 1, the demons of Kylo’s past come back for Mara. As a cataclysm tears the galaxy apart and a Dark force rises, even the strongest love and trust will be put to test.





	1. The anniversary

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the story, or welcome back! This is a sequel to [Enough to Hope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17384009/chapters/40912382). I highly recommend reading the previous work first – for the info on the characters and the past events, for the key connection between the plots of the two books, and, most importantly, for that lovely slow burn romance that brought Kylo and Mara where they are now, as Part 2 begins! I really grew attached to them and didn't want to let them go. And also, I thought that the moment Kylo wins the war and finds love cannot be the end of his story - it's just the beginning. 
> 
> This story will be intense, with a lot of emotion and real depth of character. There will be angst, and darkness, and love, and serious plot twists. Also, some well-known canon characters from TLJ will make their comeback… 
> 
> This story picks up one year after the end of [Enough to Hope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17384009/chapters/40912382).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything is perfect and then it all comes crumbling down.

Mara enters their apartments first, Kylo follows and closes the door behind them. The reception is over and they are finally alone.

He has enjoyed the evening but for the last hour or so he has already longed for this moment of blissful solitude with her. The time when they could close the door on everyone and be together. For the last hour or so, he has been distracted, imagining how he will make love to her once the guests depart.

And she was so perfectly in control during the reception, making her rounds, talking in a lively and polite way to everyone, referring to him as lord Ren or the Supreme Leader, and touching him as much as it was acceptable for a couple in public, but not more than that, except when they danced.

He knew this self-restraint would only last as long as they remained among their guests. Mara can control her emotions much better than he can, but only until such time as she decides to shed the polite outer layer.

In their first days and weeks as a couple, one year ago, when they were only getting to know each other’s bodies and preferences, Kylo was surprised and delighted to discover how easily she let herself go in love. She wasn’t shy, she didn’t really have inhibitions, she was extremely sensual, and their relationship has become very physical. There wasn’t any testing of the waters, questioning each other, wondering whether such and such idea in bed would be well received. Everything she offered, he took, naturally and willingly; everything he asked for, she granted. There was nothing one of them wanted that the other refused, nothing one craved in secret and hesitated to ask for.

Never before had he felt so entirely accepted and desired.

Kylo doesn’t know how it is for other men and other couples but of course he has seen some holovids and read some books, and he can also compare it with his earlier – very few – experiences. He was then much less forward and much less imaginative. Yes, it was pleasure, but the kind of pleasure that made him feel uncomfortable and slightly disappointed afterwards. Perhaps he could never really believe he was wanted, as it was always with a woman who wanted a man, but not necessarily him in particular. Perhaps sex can be amazing for him only when it’s more than sex. With Mara, he tends to lose himself in it. He liberates himself completely once they touch. He is both rough and tender. He gives her whatever she wants.

“Lovemaking with you is dramatic,” Mara told him one year ago, just a few days into their relationship. “In a good sense. There’s something desperate about it. As if the world were to end once you let me out of your arms.”

That sounded good. So finally his lack of self-control turned out to have a good side.

“I think I suspected that from the moment we met,” Mara laughed. “There was such an intensity in your eyes, even if your manner remained quiet and cold. It was like a challenge. To strip you naked there and then, in the royal gardens of Neelia, and make love to you until you break and scream.”

Kylo smirked.

“Was this what you fantasized about back then?”

“Maybe?”

“You make it sound like I am irresistible.”

“Well, have I ever resisted?”

 *

And now she turns around to face him and they look at each other.

“The reception was great,” Kylo says. “Are you tired?”

“No, not really. You?”

He pulls her to him.

“You look gorgeous in this dress,” he says.

She’s wearing a midnight blue evening gown, a cold shoulder type, with thin straps and long loose sleeves. All the evening he longed to kiss these bare shoulders; whenever he could, he put his arm around her and trailed his fingers across them. The dress is fitted at the waist, with flaring bottom, and a rich, three-row golden necklace adorns Mara’s deep décolleté. Golden threads are woven in at the hem of the sleeves and at the neckline of her dress, and her hair slightly shimmers with gold glitter. She looks sublime, like a source of warm light, and he couldn’t take his eyes off of her during the reception.

Mara smiles, her eyes roaming over him. He likes this dreamy, desirous look she gives him. Still the same as one year ago.

“You are beautiful,” she sighs. Her eyes wander from his hair to his shoulders to his whole silhouette. He’s wearing black tonight, with some gold accents. However, he’s been wearing a lot of blue and grey in the last year and he knows she likes to see those colours on him, too.

“You are just in love,” he teases.

“I am. I fell in love because you are so beautiful,” she teases back and reaches out to stroke his cheek affectionately.

They’re in the spacious, bright living room of their apartments, and Kylo pushes her towards a large table by the window. He waves his hand and the curtain slides across the glass pane; another flick of his wrist and a lamp lights up in the corner.

He lifts Mara from the floor and places her on the table. She puts her hands on the surface and leans back slightly, propped up on them. Kylo spreads her knees and stands between her legs, as she lifts her chin and looks at him expectantly.

He takes the intricate necklace off her neck carefully and places it on a chair nearby. She wouldn’t like it to be damaged. She has a beautiful cleavage. He slides the straps down her shoulders, then pushes the sleeves lower and finally pulls down the whole front of the gown, revealing her breasts. She’s wearing a strapless bra underneath, which he takes off. He lifts the loose bottom of the dress up to her thighs and catches the hem of her panties. She quickly joins her legs, allowing him to slide her underwear down and discard it on the floor. Kylo grips her thighs with his both hands and she startles.

“Sorry,” he says, pressing his fingers to her naked core and stroking her. She’s hot and slick already. “Have I scared you?”

“No.”

Mara looks into his eyes as he fingers her, her legs spread wide. He pushes two fingers deep inside and she inhales sharply. He looks down and the folds of her dress fall over his hand, so he moves the fabric away because he wants to see.

She looks down too.

“You like to watch me do this to you, don’t you?” Kylo asks. She nods in silence.

“Now look at me,” he says and when she looks up, he pulls her even closer to him with his free arm, and they kiss. The kiss is slow and gentle but Kylo’s fingers speed up. As she starts to tense around them, he pulls away from her mouth and focuses all his attention on his hand. He pushes in deeper and faster, and she moans. His other arm is around her waist, and Mara rests her forehead against his, her eyes closed, as he feels her quickened breath on his face.

Kylo drinks in the sight of her naked breasts moving in the rhythm of his strokes, the wrinkled bottom of her dress hiked up to her waist, her sex bare, wet and clenching around his fingers. He drinks in all of her. Mara’s head falls back and she leans on his arm heavily, as if her own arms were too weak to support her. He is strong enough to hold her like this, but it won’t be necessary for much longer because she’s very close now. Kylo captures her lower lip between his teeth and thrusts in more forcefully, and a moment later Mara groans, tenses and pushes her hips towards him, coming hard against his fingers. At the moment of her climax she spreads her legs even wider, so wide it’s almost shameless, and he is loving it.

She lifts her head and looks at him, her eyes wild with pleasure. Kylo stills; he has learnt that her body will remain clenched around his fingers for a few more seconds, during which she’ll enjoy being filled. He also rubs her gently with his thumb to prolong her pleasure, because he also knows by now that she is very sensitive just after her orgasm but still wants to be caressed.

When in the end he slides his fingers out, he slowly wipes them on her breasts and nipples. She likes it, he can tell. They remain sticky so he brings them to his mouth and slowly sucks them, fixing her with his eyes, then he leans forward and licks the slick off her breasts. Mara moans again, quietly. He lays her down on the table carefully and continues kissing her breasts, squeezing and massaging them slowly, stroking her hard nipples. No matter how passionate and rough their lovemaking can get – because they do get carried away so very easily, _and there was this one time, in the meeting room, of all places, when he really thought it might have been too much, but no, she loved it…_ – the afterglow is always gentle. They want each other too much to be slow during the foreplay; in fact, they want each other too much to do any foreplay at all, so usually there is a lot of afterplay instead. It is not before but after sex, or between the rounds, that they like to take their time.

It’s not just her core that is sensitive in this afterglow phase; he knows that her whole body tingles, the nerve endings begging for his touch and his kisses, so he explores her torso with his mouth and she closes her eyes, her hair in an aureole about her face. Beautiful. Unreal. His. Kylo briefly contemplates undressing her completely but in the end decides to leave her dress on. Somehow it’s even more exciting like this. The fabric isn’t covering anything anymore, pooled on her belly and around her wrists, after he pushed it down her arms and up her legs. It gives him the impression of a stolen passionate moment. As her wrists are caught in the sleeves, it limits her movements a little bit, as if she were tied up, and he finds that arousing, especially that he is still fully dressed.

He trails kisses across her shoulders and neck, then snakes his arm around her back and raises her to the sitting position again. Mara leans forward and kisses him; Kylo slides his hands up her thighs, close to her core. He looks into her eyes and she understands; she opens her legs wider again, while he unbuckles his belt and unbuttons his trousers.

“Not taking your clothes off?” she asks. He shakes his head. She accepts and waits, ready for him.

He pulls her closer to the edge of the table, lines himself up and pushes into her. He moves his hands to the small of her back to support her and Mara lets go, leaning with her whole weight onto his palms. He loves her in this state: overwhelmed with desire, she becomes pliant in his hands. She lets him hold her in place, thrust into her, kiss her. She doesn’t need to do anything. She is just supposed to enjoy it. Her eyes half closed, her lips slightly open, she lets him rock her body back and forth. She takes so well what he gives her. She lets him take her, she enjoys being taken, and he loves taking her like this.

“Does that feel good?” he asks quietly though he knows the answer.

“Yes…” she whispers, leaning slightly more backwards and pressing harder onto his hands, as if she wanted to display more of her body. In this state of neglected undress, with the blue gown hanging loosely about her, revealing all the most delicious parts, Mara is the picture of an unabashed desire.

“Yes, who?” he insists.

He expects “yes, Kylo,” and the anticipation arouses him. For some reason, he can never resist when she uses his chosen name while they make love. It awakens his darkest passions, the part of him that longs to dominate and control, not by fear or pain anymore, but by pleasure.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” she says instead, opening her eyes. Kylo twitches inside of her, a wave of desire washing over him. Isn’t it primitive to react like this to her addressing him by his title while they’re having sex? It is. But yes, he finds it extremely exciting. A pool of heat builds up in his belly. He wants her to say it again.

“Is my body pleasing you, Supreme Leader?” she asks, looking him boldly in the eye, as if she was reading his mind. “Is it to your liking?”

“I will show you,” Kylo says. “Lie back down.”

She obeys. He lifts her legs and bends them at the knee to get even deeper inside of her. His fast, strong strokes push her body up and down along the smooth surface of the table. Her thighs up, her arms resting leisurely at her sides, Mara watches him hungrily thrust into her.

“You like it when I take you like that, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Mara exhales, “Don’t stop.”

“Ask me nicely.”

“Please don’t stop, Kylo…” she says helplessly. She’s losing her advantage and she knows it; she’s closer than he is, less in control than he is. Her thighs tense and start trembling in his arms. She arches her back.

“Come now,” Kylo commands. “I’ll come with you.”

She now sits up, her legs raised at such a sharp angle that her knees are pressed to her upper body, and she pants into his mouth. Kylo rams into her, skin slapping against skin, rocking her so strongly her breath hitches.

“Yes, like that,” she moans and then cries out, gripping his shoulders and biting his collarbone. He comes deep inside her with a grunt, the intense pleasure making him go limp for a moment and bend over her body, then he resumes the movement, back and forth, back and forth, more slowly. She falls back onto the table and he falls on her, between her open legs.

He kisses her neck and buries his face in it, and Mara strokes his back.

When he finally stands up, it’s a mess; her dress, his trousers and jacket are stained, the table is slick, as are Mara’s thighs, covered with her own release and his come. Kylo buttons up his trousers, scoops her up in his arms and carries her to the bedroom. He puts her on the bed, takes her dress off of her, gets out of his own clothes and lies down next to her. Mara crawls into his arms.

“You will drive me crazy one day,” she breathes. “This fantasy of being ravished by a dark and brutal warrior gets into my head too much!”

“I can’t say I mind.”

“No, I’ve noticed you don’t.”

“So, we’re a good match?”

“Don’t you think so?”

He sucks her fingers into his mouth, one by one, and slides his tongue over each of them.

“I’m just wondering...” he starts.

“You haven’t answered!”

“…I’m just wondering whether to show you once again how good a match we are or to let you rest now.”

“And? What is the verdict?”

He pushes her onto her back and hovers above her.

“I see,” she says and smiles mischievously. “Am I allowed to go clean up first?”

“No. I love it when you’re so messy after lovemaking. I want to mess you up even more.”

“Oh, Kylo,” she sighs.

“The Supreme Leader has spoken,” he murmurs and throws his leg over her body to pin her down to the bed while he kisses her.

They smile against each other’s lips.

“Happy anniversary,” Kylo says. “Go for another year?”

“And to you too. Another year it is.”

She plays with the black strands of his hair, then runs her fingers across his face, tracing his cheekbones, his jaw, each of his little moles, his nose, his lips, every piece of him with equal affection.

“Maybe you won’t like me that much anymore when I start to get older,” he teases just because he loves to hear her deny it.

“I can’t wait to see you get older. A few grey streaks in your hair will look incredibly sexy.”

“What if at one point I can’t make love to you all night anymore?”

“I’m sure that will not happen. You can help yourself with the Force, right?”

“That’s not how the Force works, Mara…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll find a way to bend the Force to my will,” she whispers, wraps her legs around him and lifts her hips slightly to brush against him.

* * *

“Such a great year,” Mara says when, later, they are resting together on the bed.

From the moment she kissed him, the morning after he recovered from his terrible head injury in the battle of Zeenah, up till now, it has been the best year in Kylo’s life, by a very large margin. A year ago, he delivered his victory speech to the galaxy with Mara by his side, starting the new galactic alliance, and organized a reception on the _Stardust_ for his allies to celebrate the end of the war against gangs. A month later, Mara and he moved from the _Stardust_ to a new residence on Chandrila, where they have worked together and loved each other for a year now. They have held meetings of the new galactic Council there, received official visitors and entertained their friends, built a life together. They have gone on many state visits to different worlds and systems, and every time they came back to the Chandrila house to be at home.

The galaxy is at peace. The criminal syndicates are no more. The Outer Rim worlds, which used to be terrorized by spice and slave dealers, have been able to breathe and prosper. Thanks to stronger cooperation among all worlds, resources are more evenly distributed. The New Order acts as a peacekeeping and law enforcing force, protecting even the most remote planets and trade routes. But Kylo’s organization is also much more than that: it builds industrial and technological strongholds, it drives progress, and gives employment. And one year after Mara kissed him for the first time, Kylo gave another state reception in their residence on Chandrila to honour his allies from across the galaxy, to celebrate one year of the truly new order, and one year of his love with Mara.

There is no pain. One full year without pain and suffering: an eternity. Sometimes there is fatigue, uncertainty, irritation. His role isn’t easy, and galactic politics and government aren’t exactly simple, either. Kylo isn’t a born politician. He’s too honest, too authentic, too intense. He doesn’t have the easy charm, nor the natural knack with people. He has little patience with tedious things. But he has ideas and he is learning, and Mara is helping him. He has authority and gravitas. He is respected, now. His good intentions and achievements are now widely acknowledged. And he has good people around him – even beyond Mara, his High-Command and the Knights – to support him and help him govern.

She continues to argue with him, challenge him, irritate him, just like she did when she was only his adviser. Her function hasn’t changed; if anything, it has deepened. She remains his closest, most trusted collaborator, whose presence by his side has worked miracles in his relations with his allies. Cooperation would not be as smooth, trust not as abundant and readily given, successes not as numerous, especially in the Core, without Mara by his side. And this is not just because of her good counsel; this is also because she treats him like a normal person, and people have taken notice. Kylo Ren isn’t a freak and a monster everyone fears anymore.

Privately, too, every day he is being transformed. He is her man and he has a life. He still trains every day but he hasn’t fought anyone in earnest for a year. When the day’s work is done, he likes to read in his garden. He enjoys calligraphy again. He meditates much more than he did in the previous years. He likes going on walks with Mara. In private, he wears different clothes.

“Do you remember our first bath together? Just after our first kiss?” she asks, turning onto her belly and nudging his shoulder.

“How could I forget? You told me you loved me.”

“And you cried.”

“We made love all day.”

“You had this terrible bruise on your forehead. I was afraid to hurt you but I couldn’t resist you.”

“It felt unreal to touch you like that for the first time.”

“But it wasn’t really the first time you touched me. Remember the festival on Naboo. And that time when I came to you, after the Gheran attack, and I held you close because you were sad.”

“But those were fleeting moments. I knew they wouldn’t last, and they only left me craving more. One year ago, I finally spent the whole day touching, smelling and tasting you. For the first time I didn’t have to brace myself knowing I’ll lose it soon. I fell asleep with you and woke up with you.”

He remains silent, immersed in memories.

“For the first time, someone really wanted me.”

She puts her head on his chest and kisses him just above his heart. Kylo tangles his hand in her hair.

“I may not deserve all of this,” he says. “But nobody could value it more than I do. Every moment. Every little piece of you. I can’t be a total monster if I am able to feel so grateful.”

“My beautiful monster,” Mara teases. “Irresistible monster. The most charming monster ever. With the loveliest hair and eyes. The deepest voice. The sexiest mouth. The most fantastic body.”

Kylo smiles. She knows how to share in his intensity but also how to deflect it and turn it into something playful. And often this is exactly what he needs.

“Do you still love me as much as you did one year ago?” he insists. He’s never bored of hearing about that. It’s not vanity – it’s a deep need of his that is never sated, because it’s born of his eternal fear of rejection. He’s ashamed of being so needy, but he also knows she understands and accepts it – for her, it’s an integral part of who he is.

“Of course not. I love you much more. I love you more every day.”

“So today you don’t love me that much if it’s still possible to love me more tomorrow?” he teases.

“Every day I love you with my all heart. But every day we spend together my heart expands.”

Kylo would like to reciprocate but he can’t find anything as beautiful as that to say to her. He has told her many times he loves her, but that word stopped being enough a long time ago. He doesn’t know how else to tell her, and he would literally crush her in his embrace if he tried to show her. Nothing is enough, not words, not gestures, to express what he feels. As usual with Kylo, he feels so much and so acutely.

His love for her is not one dimension of his life. It is all he is. A new him, a unique combination of Ben Solo and Kylo Ren, has emerged. If she were to leave him, he would break into those two parts again, two imperfect, incomplete, thwarted parts, in eternal conflict with each other, tearing him apart. It is Mara that keeps them together and does away with the conflict. And somehow, when she does that, he manages to become more than the sum of these two parts; he becomes a new person – a person he likes, with the best characteristics of his two separate identities, plus some more. This is him reaching his balance.

“I’m nothing without you,” he says. “Without you, I don’t exist. Or rather, I exist as someone else who I don’t want to be anymore. I just want to be this man who loves you and is loved by you.”

“Well, you’re in luck, then,” Mara smiles and kisses him, and like her every kiss, this one goes straight to Kylo’s ever-hungry heart.

* * *

The next morning he escorts her to the landing pad. She’s flying to Bothawui, where she will be meeting an old friend she hasn’t seen for over a year, then on to Neelia to visit her family. Kylo is not coming along, he has work to do and anyway it’s good for her to have some time alone with her friends and family. She’ll be back in a week, which seems short but it actually is their longest separation so far, and by far the longest period in the last year they will have stayed without making love. He suspects he might go mad after maximum three days. She laughs when he tells her that.

“We can play a bit via holocomm,” she whispers and at the very thought of it he feels a ball of heat travel to the pit of his belly.

She boards the shuttle. Kylo comes on board with her; he inspects the interior and looks the two pilots critically up and down. These are some of his best pilots. And this is the best ship of her class. There is every comfort Mara might desire on board and, more importantly, every last piece of state-of-the-art military and engineering technology, to defend and protect. It has a stealthy mode, the best shields and weapons, and it’s incredibly fast and stable at the same time.

“Guard her with your lives,” he says to the two pilots and it’s not the ship he means. Kylo isn’t really worried, though, since piracy and organized crime have been largely eradicated from the galaxy. The ship is unmarked and deliberately designed not to look too fancy so nobody will know the Supreme Leader’s consort is traveling in it. It’s just one more large modern shuttle, from the outside. And if ever they’re in any trouble, a New Order star destroyer or another patrol ship is never very far.

Mara places her hands on his chest and stands on tiptoes to give him a warm kiss. It becomes a series of kisses, until he opens his mouth to her and she throws her arms around his neck.

“Won’t let you go,” he mutters, clutching her waist.

“If you continue like this, I’ll take you with me.”

“Now I regret I’m not coming with you.”

“But we need to stop being teenagers sometimes.”

“You started.”

And then there’s a lot more whispering, the rustling of clothes, stifled laughs and kisses, and the two pilots busy themselves as they best can.

“I will miss this hair, and all the rest,” Mara sighs. It’s time to go. One more squeeze of her hand and Kylo leaves her.

He stands on the pad until the departing ship becomes a little drop in the sky and then turns around, hearing steps behind him. It’s Sansena. She and the other Knights have their own places on Chandrila, but they all stayed overnight in his and Mara’s residence after yesterday’s reception.

“So?” she asks excitedly. “How did it go? When is the happy day?”

“I couldn’t ask her. They didn’t deliver the ring on time. Apparently it’s a complicated pattern and to make the ring smaller they need to take the stones out one by one, and it takes longer than they thought. So it’ll arrive only tomorrow.”

“Oh no! And we were already planning the venues and the outfits!”

“Who, we?”

“The Knights, obviously!”

“I asked you not to tell anyone!”

“Did you? I was too excited to remember. Seriously, I told them only this morning at breakfast! I thought you asked her last night as you were supposed to.”

“If any of you says one word to her before I have a chance to ask, I’ll kill you,” Kylo swears darkly.

Sansena laughs.

“I can’t believe my master is getting married,” she says.

“You don’t know if she will accept.”

“What do you mean I don’t know if she will accept? Why would she not accept? She’s mad about you.”

“Doesn’t mean she’ll want to marry me. It’s not like I have all the qualities a woman desires in a husband.”

“You’re tall, handsome and rich, and you can kick everyone’s ass. What else would she want? Unless she doesn’t find you good in bed?”

“She finds me _very good_ ,” he hisses before he can stop himself. Sansena laughs so hard her breath hitches.

“That’s right. That’s what she told me.”

“What?” he says, panicked. What did Mara tell her? She didn’t complain about anything that women discuss among them, did she? Anyway, he’s the Supreme Leader. This conversation is simply unacceptable.

“Oh, she didn’t want to say much. I asked her what you were like and she said…”

Sansena lets the words hang and walks by his side. They’re going back into the residence. He has a great training room here and he promised her and the other Knights they could spar the morning after Mara’s departure.

“She said what?” he groans, ashamed of himself.

“Intense. She said ‘intense’.”

Fortunately they are in front of the training room’s door and he can end this conversation because he feels he’s getting red.

* * *

A few hours into the journey, they’re still in hyperspace, ready to emerge in a few minutes next to Bothawui. Mara is sitting comfortably in the transport lounge, while the two pilots talk in the cockpit. She kept them company for some time – she wanted to learn about the ship, she’s interested in these things now, because Kylo has been teaching her how to fly – but now she has moved to the passenger bay to rest and read.

She’s looking forward to her visit on Bothawui, to see an old school friend who lives here now, and then to her time on Neelia. Apart from visiting her parents and friends, she’ll be happy to see the landscapes of her home planet again. Chandrila is beautiful and she loves living there, close to the sea, but it’s always good to come back to her old home and see the places she used to like as a child, especially the mountain silhouettes, visible on the horizon from the royal palace.

She will miss Kylo. She misses him already. But they will talk every day, and she will see his face via holocomm. They’re an affectionate couple. One wouldn’t expect this to be the case with Kylo Ren. His demeanor with strangers can be very reserved, even cold, but deep inside, there is this volcano of emotions. If she happens to pass by and touch him, he will grab her, squeeze her in his arms desperately, as if he was constantly afraid to lose her. He makes love to her every night, or almost, and every time he does it as if it was their first or their last time. She wonders whether one day he will become more settled, take her more for granted. There is pleasure in that too – in easy familiarity with another person, in calm confidence. But for the time being he’s still like a storm that she loves to lose herself in.

It had never been like this for her. Before Kylo, Mara had had a standard rate of love and sex experiences and thought at the time they were good enough. But with him, it’s like a new dimension has opened. There’s so much more than physical intimacy, too. They have intellectual complicity which she enjoys every day. They both like books and art. They started buying artwork for their Chandrila house. They share the concern for the galaxy, of course, and they work together. They never tire of talking about that: the galaxy is a vast challenge and there are so many things that can be done, so many projects to carry out. They often sit in the garden, reading, discussing politics, making out. It’s happy and harmonious times.

This is forever. There’s no one for her after Kylo Ren, that much is clear in her mind. Her heart and her body belong to him. Unlike Kylo, always haunted by his fear of loss, Mara is not afraid she might lose him. She believes she won’t, she believes they will last. This certitude doesn’t make it less intense; each night she crawls naked into his arms, not just to make love to him, but to feel his warmth. The energy it gives her, when they lie together, their bodies flush, their legs and arms tangled, the happiness it fills her with, is unlike anything she had ever experienced in her entire life. His touch appeases all pain, calms all fears, dispels any irritation and fatigue. It gives her strength. And she knows she gives him strength, too.

Well, she will have to live one week without all that. But it’s just one week.

They have come out of hyperspace and the sky outside the viewport is dark once again. But the ship is shaking.

“Turbulence?” Mara calls to the pilots.

“It seems so, my lady, although it’s not common in this area.”

The second pilot gets up from his seat. It’s a standard procedure, he needs to go and check some things – if there is no obvious external cause of the ship’s abnormal behaviour, technical problems have to be excluded. He goes to the engine room and she can hear him speak to the captain via intercom. Apparently nothing is wrong.

But the ship shakes more and more uncontrollably; Mara frowns and looks at the captain who turns to her and makes an apologetic gesture. She straps herself in.

“I see it on the radar,” the man shouts suddenly.

“See what?”

“An explosion! There has been an explosion!”

“What do you see?”

“An explosion took place just a few minutes ago. Not far from here.”

“Explosion of what? An asteroid hit something?”

There’s a sudden violent impact on the ship’s hull and sharp beeping sounds resonate from the cockpit.

“Stay seated, madam!” the captain shouts.

Many, many smaller impacts. But not that small.

“Shields fully on! Jumping to lightspeed!”

He engages the hyperdrive but another impact shakes the ship, an impact so violent that Mara, even though she’s strapped in, bends forward and almost slides off of her seat. There’s a bang and an agonizing scream reaches them via intercom. They’re in hyperspace but everything beeps madly –

* * *

– Mara’s body is thrown to all sides like a toy but the seatbelt holds. She shrieks and covers her head with her arms as objects start to fly around. The two pilots shout to each other via intercom, and suddenly the ship isn’t in lightspeed anymore – she doesn’t understand why, then she gathers from their fast, chaotic exchange that the hyperdrive got damaged in the latest impact and the second pilot is trying to repair it. The ship shakes violently. All of a sudden, she spots an immense mass of debris hurtling towards them outside the viewport. They’re being constantly hit, they’re moving now in a cloud of dust that isn’t really dust –

* * *

– And some pieces among this debris are the size of a moon, moving alarmingly fast. The captain is slaloming between them, but there are simply too many. Are they in an asteroid cloud? Didn’t they know they were flying into one when they emerged from hyperspace? Mara doesn’t understand anything, she feels sick from constant shocks. The captain is screaming into the comlink. He’s calling for help. But it seems the comms aren’t working.

Suddenly everything explodes white, she’s blinded and she doesn’t know whether the source of the explosion is inside her head or outside, and –


	2. Less than welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which old adversaries make an unexpected comeback.

Someone is screaming her name. She’s floating in a peaceful ocean and doesn't feel like coming to the surface but she gradually starts to feel nauseous, so she reluctantly opens her eyes –

The black interior of the shuttle is coming in and out of focus, and her head is spinning. Or is it the ship that is spinning? Someone is screaming her name, time and time again.

It’s the pilot.

They are falling.

* * *

Outside the viewport: no blue streaks like in hyperspace, no dark sky like in deep space. No mysterious debris.

Just fire.

They’re flying through the atmosphere. But where? Why?

The G-pull is overwhelming, as if the ship was free falling and the captain lost all control. But he’s still sitting there, visibly struggling with the commands. The second pilot isn’t responding anymore from the engine room.

Mara feels she will throw up or her heart will explode. She’s getting hot; will the ship burn and disintegrate in the atmosphere? No. The heat shields seem to be working. What about the repulsors? Why this speed and pressure? She should know that, she’s been learning, but –

She drifts in and out of consciousness. She tries to call Kylo’s name, too stunned to remember he’s not here. Kylo will be able to stop it. Kylo once shook a dreadnought hanging in space. But she barely manages to open her mouth and no sound comes out.

The fire disappears. There is a grey heavy sky outside. The shuttle is racing downwards and the incessant warning signal rings maddeningly final.

“Prepare for impact!” the captain yells.

And also:

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!”

Suddenly the ship straightens up, as if the captain – his name is Eylar, she recalls suddenly – was able to regain control. For a moment, they’re flying parallel to the ground and Mara can catch her breath. But then they’re falling again… and she can see trees outside –

The strongest impact she has ever experienced smashes into her body and it feels like all the organs inside her body dislocate. Her teeth hit together, an agonizing pain pierces her, and the world darkens.

* * *

“There it is!” a small woman yells and two men running after her emerge from the forest and onto the meadow.

They all stop at the edge of it; the sight ahead is dramatic. The ship that has mowed down half of the forest’s canopy during its fall – cutting like a knife through the huge multicolor trees with enormous leaves – is a pile of smoking debris now. It hasn’t burnt or exploded, at least not yet, but the friction at the uncontrolled atmospheric entry has visibly caused some damage to the hull.

The ship is just a few hundred metres away so they can stop at this safe distance to assess if there’s a danger of an imminent explosion. However, there’s no time; they need to check for survivors. There might not be any.

“Looks like a fucking First Order ship,” one of the two men says angrily. “It’s unmarked but they use this kind of shuttles.”

“There is no First Order anymore, Poe,” the other man replies curtly.

“We have to get people out,” the woman insists and bolts towards the wreck.

“No, wait, Rose! It’s dangerous. I’ll go,” the other man shouts after her. They move forward, Poe last.

 “And not just any shuttle,” Poe adds when they stop just beside the wreck. “This is top of the top. I haven’t even seen this model yet but I think I know the previous generation. It’s embellished, and at the same time made to look discreet. This is some First Order fat cat travelling incognito.”

“Ok, enough talking,” the other man says. “Let’s check for survivors.”

“Let them burn, rather.”

“Don’t be an asshole. If you don’t help me, I’m going alone.”

In the end they all go. The three of them step into the huge pile of black metal debris. It stretches all over the field, but there’s this one spot, more or less one hundred square metres big, where the biggest part of the wreck has landed. It doesn’t take long before they find the first body, and it’s massacred. It’s a man in a New Order uniform, whose head, and most of his torso, have been literally squashed.

“He wasn’t strapped in a seat,” Poe remarks, frowning. “He just smashed into the walls on impact. Maybe he was desperately trying to repair something and that’s why he left his seat?”

It’s sickening and they fall silent.

They find two other bodies almost simultaneously. One of them is the main pilot, sitting in the remains of the cockpit. He’s strapped in but his head rests at a very unnatural angle and blood is still trickling from the corner of his mouth. Poe checks his pulse; there’s nothing to be done.

“The last one is a woman,” the other man says quietly and they all gather around her.

“And she’s not an officer. A civilian,” Rose remarks.

The woman is in her seat which remains intact, but there are pieces of debris all over her and she is covered with blood. A huge metal shelf that must have got detached is crushing her left leg. Rose touches it quickly to check but the metal is cool. It must be special materials. She tries to lift it; it’s too heavy.

“Finn, help me, please.”

They lift the chunk of metal together and throw it away. The woman’s leg looks bad, her femur sticking out of an open fracture above her knee. There is plenty of blood.

“She’s dead, right?” Poe asks.

Finn crouches next to her and reaches for her neck to check the pulse because her hands and arms are trapped under the debris. Her hair is in her face so he moves it gently aside –

“Hey,” he says suddenly.

“What?” Rose asks.

He doesn’t reply, he keeps brushing the woman’s hair away and wipes the blood off of her face with a handkerchief he has taken out of his pocket. He remains still for a moment, then finally checks her pulse.

“She’s alive. The pulse is weak but she’s alive.”

He looks up at them.

“We have a problem,” he speaks slowly.

“It will be a nightmare to transport her,” Rose says. “This leg will give her agony if she wakes up. We need to call the base and get a speeder here, and medical supplies. Something strong to make sure she doesn’t wake up.”

“Look at her,” Finn insists.

“I am looking,” Poe replies. “And I don’t like what I am seeing.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Poe crouches next to him.

“What’s wrong with you guys?” Rose asks angrily.

“Ok, she’s covered in dirt and blood,” Poe says quietly, “but certainly, when you clean her face…”

“Yes. And look at these clothes. Expensive stuff.”

“And also, look at that ship,” Poe agrees. “As I said, top of the top. Unmarked. They didn’t want to advertise who’s travelling.”

“Will anyone tell me what’s going on?” Rose shouts.

“Look at her, Rose,” Finn suggests quietly. “Don’t you recognize her? Haven’t you ever seen this face?”

“Hm. Yes, she seems familiar,” Rose admits, crouching next to them. “But with all this blood and dirt, I can’t quite… who is she?”

Poe laughs. It’s an unpleasant, almost hysterical laugh, full of strange emotions.

“This day just couldn’t get any better. First a galactic explosion above our heads and we’re cut off from the rest of the universe, and now this. I think this is Princess Mara of Neelia. Kylo fucking Ren’s woman.”

“What?” Rose whispers and looks at the young woman again.

“You‘ve seen her many times on the holonet, haven’t you?” Finn asks. “Tell me if you don’t think it’s her.”

“Yes. Now that you say it, she certainly does look very much like her.”

“What are we doing?” Finn inquires, looking at Poe.

“We leave her,” Poe says and stands up.

* * *

The meeting is taking place in the main conference room of Kylo and Mara’s Chandrilan residence. The room overlooks the garden. Finished are the days of dark skies outside the glass viewport. Now the windows are open and all manner of nature noises – wind rustling in the leaves, birds, water – are seeping in.

It’s not a very formal meeting. They’re discussing industry; M’biren came for the reception and is staying for a week, and all the other Knights are here, together with some of Kylo’s Council members and officials, because Kylo has now civilian staff, too. Industry and the military are close, so Hux and a few other generals are also in the room. But it’s a lazy afternoon; they’re watching the holo footage M’biren has brought. Things are going well and the New Order’s industrial stronghold on Xeria employs a million people from all over the galaxy. M’biren stands next to the holoscreen and explains new projects.

All of a sudden, in the middle of the sentence, he falls silent and bends heavily over the table in front of him, propping himself up with his hands.

Hux, whose seat is the closest to M’biren’s, leans forward.

“A problem?”

M’biren doesn’t reply but looking around the room, it is clear that all the Knights of Ren are affected. Sansena jumps up from her seat; Tw’oorah groans, as if he was in pain, and draws his lightsaber; Djawan sits still but he is white as a sheet, and pants.

Kylo screams and hits the table with his fist.

* * *

There’s a moment of terrible panic among both the officers and the civilians in the room. Are the Force-users being mysteriously attacked?

Before Hux has the time to press the emergency button that will close the conference room off completely and isolate it from the rest of the residence, Kylo stands up and pushes his chair away violently.

“I felt it in the Force,” he shouts, his eyes wild.

“We all felt it,” Tw’oorah says. “Just like after Starkiller.”

“What did you feel?” Hux asks, dumbfounded.

“The agony of millions,” replies Sansena.

* * *

They’re walking in quick strides towards the lift. It’s just Kylo, the Knights and the top officers. The civilians have been dismissed.

Nobody speaks. Kylo presses his finger to the scanner and taps the special code, the one he hasn’t yet had to use since they moved in. All the Knights and Hux are also authorized to use this code, should the need arise and should Kylo be unable to do it himself.

The lift descends underground to the war room.

* * *

The huge holomap of the galaxy is floating above their heads. There are different holonet broadcasts on all viewscreens, and the incoming data from the scanning probes positioned all over the galaxy is feeding directly into the holomap, which gets updated live. It’s an advanced and expensive technology, given how many sensors have to be deployed and how they need to be constantly maintained and upgraded. But it’s one of M’biren’s pet projects, one that he’s very proud of: the New Order’s cutting-edge military know-how at the service of the galaxy, for its security and protection.

They all stare at the Bothan sector’s location on the map. The results are only fragmentary for the time being, but the scale of the phenomenon can already be imagined just by observing how many systems seem to be affected.

“It’s not just one hit,” M’biren says, manipulating the holomap with his fingers to bring the specific location closer to him and enlarge it. “It’s much more messy. Perhaps a huge comet passage?”

“Can it be another galactic phenomenon?” Hux asks. “Such as a supernova?”

“It would have already been spotted from one of the neighbouring systems, even if it were not bright enough to be seen in our day sky. And we would know in advance if there was a star in that sector about to go supernova.”

“Wouldn’t we know about a comet?”

“There are too many of those. Trillions. And they can change their trajectory.”

“So what is it that we’re looking at?” Kylo asks.

“Mass destruction,” M’biren replies. “Several worlds in Bothan space have been struck. Some look like they’ve been pulverized. The debris cloud will be enormous, very dangerous for the neighbouring worlds. Not to mention millions of lives lost on the planets that have been directly hit. And there’s a lot of space traffic there, too, with the big hyperspace lanes junction near Bothawui.”

Kylo’s eyes dart to him.

“General,” he says, unnaturally quietly, turning to Hux, “put Mara’s ship’s itinerary onto this map.”

Everyone freezes.

Hux presses a few buttons and the blue line of Mara’s itinerary appears on the holomap, the places in which she’s supposed to enter and come out of hyperspace marked by red dots. They all stare at it in complete, stunned silence.

“Contact her pilot,” Kylo orders, his eyes on the map. “Immediately.”

Hux initiates contact but there’s no answer.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Tw’oorah speaks. “Obviously after such a catastrophe comms will be disactivated in the whole area and beyond.”

“Track the ship,” Kylo says.

There’s no result. The ship’s tracker appears to be off.

“Same reason,” Tw’oorah comments.

Kylo presses a code on his own comlink. They’re all waiting for several long seconds.

“It’s her private channel,” he says. “She’s not answering.”

“Listen to Tw’oorah, Kylo,” Sansena insists amidst silence so tense that the air in the room seems barely breathable. “The shockwaves are still rippling through space. Comms cannot be working. I’m sure she’s fine.”

Kylo smashes his fists on the table violently, once, twice, and again, until the durasteel surface is dented and his knuckles are covered in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. Not a happy chapter. And things will darken... but stay with me.


	3. The aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which suspicions are growing and the Stardust takes to the skies again

“We leave her.”

“What?” Rose exclaims after a short and shocked silence during which she and Finn gape with horror at Poe. He is suggesting they should let the injured woman die because she has the misfortune of being Poe’s biggest enemy’s girlfriend.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, Poe. You’ve really crossed the line this time,” she says with distaste and speaks into her comlink. Finn stoops to start picking up smaller pieces of debris covering the unconscious woman so that when Kaydel comes with the speeder and med droids, they can lift the patient as quickly as possible.

But when Finn inspects her arms, covered with gashes, looking for fractures and any serious injuries, she stirs. Poe steps back but both Finn and Rose stay close, crouching next to the woman.

Princess Mara moans; she blinks but she’s not quite conscious, she drifts off and comes to a few times, then she starts turning her head to the sides, her eyes glazed over, before she finally focuses on them. Her eyes are wide and full of pain. She croaks but they can’t understand what she’s saying.

“Hello,” Rose says, touching her hand carefully. The woman doesn’t jerk away; she doesn’t seem to be afraid, probably she’s in too much pain for that.

“Your ship has crashed. You’re on Krant. I’m Rose, this is Finn, and that’s Poe. Please blink once if you understand what I’m saying.”

The woman blinks and watches Rose carefully.

“You have an open fracture in your leg. Please don’t move, medical help is coming. Are you in great pain?”

She blinks again, several times.

“I see,” Rose says. “We will assess your injuries once we have transported you to our base. Our friend will be here with a speeder soon. And with painkillers.”

The woman is silent, tears slowly roll down her face. She shifts and grabs Rose’s hand.

“Don’t worry,” Rose says quickly, squeezing her hand back. “It will be ok. The worst is over. You were lucky.”

But the woman moves her head slowly to glance around, then looks at Rose again. Rose doesn’t understand. Mara raises her hand a little and points to herself with one finger, then shows two other fingers and looks around again.

“Your pilots,” Finn guesses. “Unfortunately, they’re both dead. You're the only survivor.”

She closes her eyes for a moment and when she opens them, they’re full of tears again.

“Are you Kylo Ren’s consort?” Poe interrupts, crouching by her side.

Princess Mara’s eyes dart to him, then back to Rose and Finn. Rose smiles to her reassuringly.

The woman nods slowly.

“Well, welcome to the Resistance. I’m General Poe Dameron. We are delighted that you’ll be our guest.”

The injured woman is completely still but her eyes do not leave Poe’s face. There’s no hostility in them and no fear, just an immediate realization and seriousness.

“Of all the places you could have crashed on,” Poe says and laughs bitterly.

“He won’t hurt you,” Rose promises.

Princess Mara whispers something.

“Say it again?” Rose asks, bending down to get closer to her. After a moment she straightens up and glances at Poe.

“What did she say?” Poe inquires.

“She said ‘please comm Kylo’.”

“We can’t comm your charming fiancé, Princess. Comms aren’t working.”

Mara’s face contorts in frustration.

“There was one hell of an explosion in space,” Finn explains. “The planet is surrounded by a ring of debris. All interplanetary communication channels are down.”

The injured woman closes her eyes and takes a few deep, fast breaths, then nods.

“All right,” Rose says. “We wait. It won’t be long. If you feel worse, give me a sign.”

Mara doesn’t give any sign. She turns her head to the side, away from them, and stares into the distance, motionless, for the next ten minutes.

* * *

Their new guest is lying in the bacta tank, her eyes wide open, tears trickling down her face.

Rose sighs.

“Are you still in so much pain?” she asks.

Mara closes her eyes and shakes her head.

“We will have to sedate you,” Rose insists. “It’s better to be sedated when you’re in bacta. And you have so many injuries you really need to rest. There’s no point in crying and exhausting yourself any further. You’re not out of the woods.”

“I don’t want to sleep,” Princess Mara whispers.

How does she not want to sleep? She has just had hours of suffering. They gave her a strong painkiller when Kaydel arrived with the speeder, so at least she didn’t scream all the way back as she normally would with this broken leg and the other injuries. But it was a torture anyway. On arrival at their base, Merya, the doctor, did the scans and operated on her. She set Mara’s leg and treated her numerous cuts and gashes. The Princess also had a serious concussion, four broken ribs, a twisted elbow, and an internal bleeding in her abdomen. She’s bruised all over.

Rose prefers not to think what agony it must have been for Mara before Kaydel arrived.

After hours of surgery, Mara was deposited in a bacta tank. She woke up many hours later. Now it’s the morning of the next day, and Rose has come to see her, alerted by the med droid to the patient’s waking.

She found Mara staring into the ceiling and crying.

Merya is with her, but there isn’t much to do. Mara’s going to spend a week in bacta. For the time being, she refuses sedation. She stopped crying for a moment when Rose entered, and thanked her for saving her life. But now she has grown restless; she wants answers.

“Are you really the Resistance?”

“Yes. We were, at least.”

“Where are we? What is this world?”

“Krant. We came here after the war. And we liked it, so some of us decided to stay for a bit. Now it looks like we might have to stay for longer.”

“What happened out there? What was that explosion?”

“We don’t know,” says Finn, entering the med bay. The news that the rescued newcomer has woken up and causes trouble has spread through the base. Poe has refused to come and check on her, but Finn is not as relentless. Sure, he’d prefer anyone with ties to Kylo Ren to never come his way, or depart as soon as possible once they did, but in the end, he doesn’t know this woman, she hasn’t done anything wrong to him or any of his friends, she doesn’t seem to be aggressive or hostile and, most importantly, she is truly suffering. Physically and psychologically, as it seems.

“Perhaps a supernova,” Rose offers, “that destroyed a whole system? Or some kind of planet collision. In any case, it has created a ring of debris around Krant. It orbits the planet now and it’s so dense we’re not sure we can fly through it to get off-world.”

“Kylo will know how to fly through it,” Mara says. “If only we managed to contact him…”

“That’s the whole problem,” Finn replies, trying to overcome the petty irritation he feels as she mentions Kylo Ren and suggests he’d be able to do something they aren’t. “The debris disrupts all our communication channels. Our comm devices work here on the planet, but not if we try to contact anyone off-world. Unless the rest of the galaxy is destroyed and there’s nobody alive to respond, but I hope that’s not the case.”

Mara shoots him a terrified look.

“Perhaps in a few days this debris disperses?” she asks. “And then you could try flying through it?”

“We will. For the time being, you need to be patient. You can’t travel anyway for at least a week,” Rose reminds her. “It would be a very bumpy ride, and in your current condition that would be the end of you. You must heal first.”

Mara stares at her in silence, finally nods.

“So sedate me,” she says. “At least it will pass faster. Perhaps Kylo will be here already when I wake up. Perhaps he has been able to track my ship.”

“I definitely hope not,” Finn murmurs to Rose, when the doctor leans over Mara to apply the sedative. “The last thing we want here is enraged Kylo Ren, looking for his lost girlfriend and finding her unconscious, sedated and marinating in a bacta tank. That guy runs people through with his lightsaber before asking questions.”

Rose keeps quiet because Finn and Poe know Kylo Ren, while she only saw him once, when he arrived at the peace talks with Leia, but she wasn’t even at the negotiation table then. She has never been in the same room with him, not to mention talking to him. After they signed the ceasefire agreement, she only saw him on the holonet, often with Mara. He didn’t seem at ease with the limelight, avoiding interviews and photo opportunities. Shy or grumpy, in any case, being the Supreme Leader, he did what he wanted, and nobody dared to pester him for a comment if he didn’t want to offer any. Mara, on the other hand, was a holonet darling. Not that she sought celebrity, but she didn’t have to. She made speeches when new facilities were being opened, she talked and laughed with journalists, she accompanied Kylo Ren on all official visits, always had a smile for everyone, and always stopped to shake hands. He, in contrast, held back; perhaps he preferred to play his part that way, or perhaps it was simply his personality. In any case, as she watched them sometimes on the news, Rose found it difficult to hate them the way Poe and even Finn did. Poe would criticize anything Kylo Ren did; Finn would be fairer and would admit Ren changed some things in the galaxy for the better, but he made it clear he never wanted to come near the guy again.

The other ex-Resistance people avoided these conversations. They have moved on… but not very far, because here they still are, fifteen out of thirty who survived Crait, one year and a half after the war, unable to leave the base and start a completely new life. Some have no family left anywhere and linger on Krant, uncertain what to do next, and enjoying the quiet camaraderie of their former brothers in arms; there are also two couples, including Rose and Finn, who are both now planning their next step together and wonder where to move. And Rey visits them every two months or so for a week, bringing her Force-sensitive students from the little academy she set up after the war, and of course everyone wants to see Rey. They all know they can’t grow old telling the same old stories around the fire, but for the time being those who are still here don't seem to be in any hurry to leave.

And life is easy here. Far from the Core, deep in Bothan space, Krant is a pleasant, largely natural world, with lots of forests and birds, a temperate climate, few predators, and not so many people. The forest provides plenty of food for their small group, and one of the two cities, which is only a ten-minute flight away, provides work when the natural resources are not enough. They have gained renown as mechanics and pilots; actually, they are a bit of local celebrities, being former Resistance fighters. As a result, they get visitors at the base they live in, which is a former Imperial base they have restored. A few of the visitors have chosen to stay and live in their small community, so there are now twenty five people here.

They contacted the city people right after the explosion. Unfortunately, the interplanetary comms in the city aren’t working, either. Everyone hopes the situation with the debris will improve, but for the time being nobody has dared to try to fly into it. So they are cut off, they have no idea what really happened out there and what the extent of the destruction is. How many victims? Was it a natural event at all?

“We’re thinking of supernovas or comets, but maybe it’s Kylo Ren and General Hugs who have been trying out their new Starkiller,” Poe pointed out last night when the four of them, with Kaydel, sat outside the base on the lawn, as they often did after dinner. “Maybe they decided to show their true colours and fire randomly on a system that for some reason pissed them off.”

“And Kylo Ren would fire that weapon precisely when his girlfriend was flying by?” Rose asked. Poe sometimes really got to her. “He couldn’t wait one day longer? Or if he wanted to kill his girlfriend, he couldn’t find a simpler way?”

“Maybe it’s Hugs? Maybe there’s a coup against Ren and the mutineers also tried to kill Ren’s consort?”

“There are easier ways of killing someone than by a galactic cataclysm that wipes out Maker knows how many worlds, judging from the amount of debris,” Kaydel said. “I don’t think Hux would fire a superweapon _just to kill her._ ”

“But maybe Poe’s right in thinking it wasn’t a natural disaster, and it wasn’t accidental,” Finn remarked.

“Maybe someone has declared war against Kylo Ren,” Poe suggested. “Who knows? There might be a war raging out there right now. We have no idea.”

“Are you going to try to fly into it?” Rose asked.

“Let’s wait. It doesn’t look good for the time being. But if nothing changes in two weeks, I’ll try anyway.”

They had a few small transports, two X-wings and one freighter, _Falcon_ ’s size. The _Falcon_ itself was with Rey.

“Imagine being stuck here forever with the Supreme Leader’s consort,” Poe added. “What fucking irony. Maybe he’s not even looking for her – it may have been a political arrangement between them, a public relations thing, and now he’ll just announce she’s dead and get himself a new one.”

Rose didn’t think so. When she saw them on the holonet together, it didn’t seem that way. Not that Kylo Ren was very much into public display of affection, but he was… attentive to Mara. Being a woman, Rose noticed it. And Mara was always touching him, patting his arm, taking his hand. Always turning to him with a smile, whispering something. And he listened. He behaved around her like someone behaves around a prized possession they don't really believe they have secured.

But Rose didn’t say that because Poe was her friend, and if it made him feel better to think and say bad things about Kylo Ren, Rose didn’t want to ruin his pleasure. Poe had nobody special, apart from his friends. Perhaps he couldn’t stand it that Ren, his nemesis, guilty of so many crimes, in the end fared so much better in personal life.

* * *

In the underground war room of Kylo Ren’s Chandrilan residence the atmosphere is sober and everyone looks exhausted.

All the New Order top commanders and Kylo’s Council members are here. M’biren and Hux will be presenting a military report. They worked on it all night; the cataclysm took place two days ago and since then all the people present in this room have hardly had any rest or sleep.

The first day was a cacophony of chaotic communications from all around the galaxy. Reports poured in from those worlds in Bothan space whose comms channels remained open, and from various trade, civilian and military ships flying through the area which were lucky enough to escape unharmed. But these provided only a limited picture, because a large part of the sector simply went on radio silence.

From the scant information available, however, and especially from the live holomap data, it became evident that there had been not one, but several explosions. To know more, military reconnaissance ships had to venture into the area. Of the New Order’s two star destroyers which were at that time in Bothan space, one found itself far from the impact zones, while the other, closer to Bothawui, disappeared from radars. Kylo sent in immediately all the other New Order ships that were in proximity. But two days later, all those ships encountered clouds of debris, so they dispatched thousands of probe droids and hovered at the edges of the affected systems.

In the meantime, allies started comming Kylo. Some offered to send a part of their fleet into the area, others asked for assistance. Almost all the systems of Bothan space were members of Kylo’s galactic alliance, and many of them depended heavily on the New Order.

And of course, the media caught on and from there, it was fast forward to general panic, which started spreading before the first standard day was over. What really happened? How many worlds were affected, and how seriously? How fatal was the event? How to save as many lives as possible and reach those that had been cut off? Was the travelling debris going to be a threat to other worlds and what the long-term consequences would be? What if it was an attack, and would there be sequels? Kylo had a galaxy to manage. It wasn’t just about Mara. On the second day, he went live on the holonet and it was a very different speech from his post-Zeenah victory address one year earlier.

“A very serious cataclysm occurred in Bothan space,” he said, sitting in front of his viewscreen. “We don’t know its origin yet. We don’t know if it was a natural event or an attack, and if it was the latter, who orchestrated it and why. We don’t know how many lives were lost. I am deploying a substantial part of my fleet to the area. Our priority is to search for survivors, then to shield the neighbouring worlds from the consequences. Meanwhile, we must discover the cause to make sure it was an isolated event, and we are not in danger anymore. We will do our best to re-establish communication and transport routes, but defence concerns and disaster relief come first. I am calling on all our allies, from the sector and across the galaxy, to mobilise their fleet and all the strategic assets at their disposal. This is the moment to test the unity we have been building for one year. This afternoon I will hold a holoconference with my whole Council and the military High-Command. In the meantime, we are opening a special holonet news channel where we will be informing you of the developments minute by minute.”

Kylo was silent for a moment, then added:

“I know many of you remain uncertain of the fate of your families and friends. I am in the same situation. My consort Princess Mara was travelling through Bothan space at the time of the cataclysm and her ship, like so many others, went off the radars. So rest assured I will personally get to the bottom of it.”

Later the same day, the New Order published a call for bounty hunters. Kylo Ren was offering no less than one hundred thousand credits for any information that could help find Mara, and one million to anyone who either brought her back to him alive or would point out her location.

The media went mad. It seemed one person’s disappearance, as long as she was the Supreme Leader’s consort, was as important news as possible millions or billions of deaths in the whole Bothan sector. Some criticized Kylo for offering the bounty. So many people missing, and he’s giving one million credits for one person? Is Princess Mara’s life worth more than all the others? But mostly, this act only raised his popularity score. Of course, Kylo was doing good things for the galaxy. But, at least in Hux’s opinion, and Hux had a very good public relations sense, an average person cared much more about the Supreme Leader’s love story, and the media adored writing about it. As the love story had just turned dramatic, there was no better headline.

There was no reply to their repeated attempts to contact Mara and her ship. She never arrived at her destination on Bothawui and no emergency landing was signaled anywhere else. The ship’s tracker was off. She simply went missing.

In the meantime, they held tons of meetings. Scientific meetings, to find the cause and prepare for possible sequels, in case it was a natural event, and to protect the nearby worlds. Intelligence and defence meetings, in case it was a concerted attack and another one was in the works. Spies were dispatched all over the galaxy. Disaster relief meetings, discussing how to get closer to the most affected zones and provide assistance to survivors. Several worlds close to the disaster areas were evacuated; debris had fallen on many and caused some casualties, though the evacuation effort saved many lives. Infrastructure meetings, to rebuild and re-establish communication, protect trade routes and hyperspace lanes. Public relations meetings, to manage the crisis and the growing panic, decide what to communicate to the public and what to keep secret for security reasons.

Today is the third day and looking at Ren, sitting at the top of the table in the war room, Hux wonders whether their leader has slept at all for the past two nights. He’s attentive and decisive, he barks orders, but he hasn’t shaved for two days, his eyes are red and bloodshot, and he starts to look like a ghost.

Hux and the Knights have been staying in Kylo’s residence, just to be ready to react immediately in case of need. All this time, they’ve seen Kylo almost non-stop, except for the few hours at night when everyone retired to their quarters to find some rest, and they’ve been talking all the time, obviously, and yet they haven’t _really_ managed to talk to him about Mara. He remains curt and sharp; as soon as any meeting, briefing or report is over and the discussion ends, he falls silent and sits there waiting for the next item on the agenda, or gives the last orders and disappears, or even simply storms off without a word. He keeps his distance, he eats alone – if he eats at all – and Hux noticed that the pupils of Ren’s eyes are wide as if he was on drugs. Swimming in pain. Shell-shocked.

Yesterday, Hux dared to breach the subject of the elephant in the room, when in the evening they sat together in the lounge, he, Kylo and the Knights, just like they often used to do on the _Stardust_ , a year ago.

“Is there nothing you can do with the Force to try and locate her?” he asked. “You said once that you were able to feel all living beings in proximity, and if you concentrated, the perimeter of your awareness expanded and could reach much further. Can you not find her in this way?”

“It’s not exactly like that,” Djawan replied, glancing briefly at Kylo who remained silent. “We can indeed do that… and the stronger the Force user, the further they can reach, so Kylo probably could reach as far as the affected area… but it won’t do because you cannot identify the beings you feel.”

So would Ren even feel it if she died? He claimed to have felt the exact moment his mother became one with the Force. And he used to have that weird bond with the scavenger girl. But those were Force users, unlike Mara.

“My mother felt the moment my father died,” Kylo spoke suddenly and everyone froze because he never mentioned his father to them, and certainly not his death. “She told me that before her own death. And he wasn’t Force-sensitive.”

“So…” Hux prompted carefully.

“So, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel Mara die.”

“But millions, if not billions, of people died in that moment, and we felt them,” commented Tw’oorah. “In the enormous Force disturbance created by those deaths, you may have missed Mara’s disappearance.”

“Yes,” Kylo said slowly. “It is possible.”

Nobody said anything after that and Hux wondered if Tw’oorah had a death wish. But nothing happened. Kylo just sat there, staring at the viewport, and soon they all went to bed.

Except Hux and M’biren who, with a small army of trusted military advisers, spent the next few hours working on the report they are going to present to Kylo today. It’s Hux who starts.

“We have managed to discover mainly what it wasn’t,” he says. “Not a supernova. Not a birth of a new star. It could be a comet crashing into a planet but not into so many planets one by one, plus no comet passage was registered in the neighbouring worlds in the days preceding the catastrophe, and none have been reported close to the affected systems in the aftermath.”

“So, an attack,” states Commander Snyde, promoted one year ago after the battle of Zeenah.

“By elimination, yes.”

Now everyone sits a bit straighter. Only Kylo doesn’t move.

“I don’t understand,” speaks Lord Wynad, the head of the Chandrilan democratic assembly and the first member of Kylo’s Council. “Someone discreetly built another Starkiller under our noses and fired it into the Bothan sector?”

“No,” Hux says. He knows one or two things about Starkillers. “For one, the beam would have been visible from the neighbouring worlds. It can’t be missed. Also, our intelligence services would have known if someone was developing a project like this. This requires buying a lot of technology and material. Thousands of transactions, which cannot all go unnoticed.”

“Is it possible that another technology for such weapons exists, one that doesn’t use a laser beam?” Sansena asks.

“Well, that’s the whole question,” M’biren replies. “At this point, it’s really pure speculation but that’s the only thing that is still on the table, in my opinion.”

“Let’s hear it then,” Kylo says.

“Have you ever heard of Sun Crushers or Galaxy Guns?” asks M’biren.

There is a sudden hum of many voices in the room.

“These are legends,” Kylo comments when the chaos calms down a little. “Especially a Sun Crusher is just an impossible thing.”

“They are legends,” M’biren admits. “But clearly everything suggests that a superweapon with a similar potential was used in this cataclysm. A superweapon that works very differently from a remote laser beam weapon like Death Star or Starkiller. It must be a moving superweapon – a ship like a Sun Crusher, or a space station, like the Galaxy Gun. The size and specifications are details; the principle is valid. But the Sun Crusher is supposed to cause stars to explode and go supernovas, and there was no supernova. The stars appear to be intact – while some other objects, such as planets, were destroyed in a series of almost simultaneous explosions. These could have been caused by extremely powerful torpedoes fired in a quick succession from a moving superweapon.”

“So someone fired the torpedoes, caused a galactic cataclysm, and then possibly escaped on that ship or whatever it was?” Tw’oorah asks. “And we have no idea who and where they are, what weapons that ship has, and where and when they will strike next.”

“Yes,” Hux replies. “However, I don’t suppose it’s a madman who set off on a random destruction course around the galaxy, but rather someone who wanted to destroy or create a panic in that precise sector. Don’t you think he’d start with the Core if he was bent on general destruction, rather than warn us by attacking first some remote Mid Rim systems?”

“There are plenty of strategic reasons to attack Bothan space if you want to impair the functioning of the galaxy,” Senator Sii’ve, representing the Bothan sector in Kylo’s Council, says, glaring at Hux. “The junction of four major hyperspace lanes close to Bothawui, for example. And Bothawui is a major industry and trade stronghold, home to many megacorporations.”

“And espionage,” reminds Tw’oorah. “The Bothan Spynet might be a reason?”

“That’s all true and possible,” M’biren concedes. “But all this is just Bothawui, and why attack the rest of the sector? So the reasons might be completely different, or it might also be a simple distraction to hide something bigger. For example, an imminent attack on the Core Worlds that we won’t be able to deflect because all our fleet will be in Bothan space, busy managing the aftermath.”

“In any case, this is speculation,” Hux says. “We have no idea why. For the time being, we don’t even know how many worlds have been destroyed. From the data so far, we are potentially looking at three billion dead. The only thing we know almost for sure at this point, is that it was an attack and that the weapons used are unlike any we know. Whoever did that, they might have more of the stuff.”

“Haven’t you just said creating such weapons could not pass unnoticed by our intelligence services?” Kylo asks.

“This is different,” M’biren says. “We’re talking about mini-superweapons – the size of a ship. Probably less complex to build, once you have the technology, and certainly much easier to hide than a Death Star. And who says they were built recently? It might be an old secret imperial technology, a prototype that remained hidden for decades.”

They digest that as they look at the schematics of legendary superweapons, and discuss possible theories. It’s a long meeting, and yet they know nothing. Not what the weapon is, not who has it, not why the strike took place, not what exactly was destroyed. There is an array of unknown parameters. In addition, frustrating reports keep coming in from starships that don’t manage to safely fly into the core of the affected zone – not to mention that hyperspace lanes are damaged and travel takes a lot of time. In the end Kylo bangs his fist on the table in an old, well-known temper tantrum, and everyone hushes.

“Enough of this,” he barks. “We’re making too little progress. Tomorrow we’re getting the _Stardust_ in the air again. We will fly into the zone ourselves if nobody else can.”

“What if M’biren is right, Kylo?” Sansena asks. “What if it’s a distraction, and they’re trying to lure you into a trap or get you away from the Core while they attack here?”

“I don’t know where we can find the answer to what happened, but certainly not here,” Hux interjects because he feels someone should back Ren. Otherwise the Leader’s idea to go there might be perceived as motivated by his wish to find Mara, rather than the much-needed focus on the greater picture. And for once, Hux agrees with Ren, being equally annoyed by their forced inaction and incomplete information. “We won’t discover anything else or help anyone while we’re sitting here."

Opinions are divided in the room but in the end, everyone approves; whatever danger the Core might be facing from an unknown attacker, it's more frustrating to remain completely ignorant and inactive, and it’s more unsettling to think millions that remain unreachable might desperately need help just in that moment.

And surely everyone must understand Ren’s personal determination, even if nobody dares to mention Mara. Assuming she’s still alive, Ren can’t possibly be expected to sit here and wait for her to die out there. Her ship might have been damaged and might be adrift in deep space; she might be injured; she might have crashed somewhere. She needs to be found, and Ren needs to go find her.

* * *

Next morning, the huge silhouette of the _Stardust_ – the former _Supremacy_ – is hanging in the skies above Hanna City, the capital of Chandrila. A year and a half ago, that sight would have caused wild panic. Nobody panics now; the New Order’s flagship is widely known, and yesterday it was announced on the holonet that the Supreme Leader was going to fly to Bothan space himself. The decision has been received with great enthusiasm by the general public; words of support pour in via holonet, and Kylo’s popularity is through the roof. There’s nothing that the masses love more than a handsome and powerful ruler who sets off to destroy a mysterious evil threatening his people, rescue the victims, and get his beloved back.

“Maybe we should stage little attacks from time to time, here and there, to make sure we stay popular and that people need us,” murmurs Hux into Sansena’s ear as they all prepare to board the shuttle that will take them to the _Stardust_ , waiting in orbit. Sansena stifles a chuckle and elbows him. Only she is wicked enough to appreciate that kind of joke.

No, Mara would also laugh. Mara likes Hux’s sense of humour. When they met, an attraction formed between them, and in the end she kissed him, on the memorable night, after Ren almost killed him in one of his tantrums. Mara intervened, stood up to Ren, and saved Hux’s life. Then they shared that glorious kiss. Hux knew, even while she was kissing him, that she’d choose Ren in the end, and she did, but never mind that now. Hux was pained at the beginning, seeing them together, but he got over it. Mara is his friend now. Her presence has changed him as much as it has changed Ren, who has never raised his hand to Hux again. Mara has made them all better men, and Hux has enjoyed her company and conversation. She _liked_ him, and not many people like Hux. His cat adored her, too.

He misses her. They all do. For the last three days, he has tried hard to avoid thinking about it. It could quickly become very depressing, and there’s no point in it because they don’t know anything yet. There will be time to fear the worst. For the time being he’s happy to be back in action, and in space. Contrary to Ren, who has definitely discovered in himself a preference for a _terra firma_ life, Hux is in his element on board a starship.

The serious mood takes over soon. In the turbolift leading from the _Stardust_ ’s hangar bay to the bridge, nobody speaks. The Knights and Hux are leaning against the walls, while Kylo is standing in the middle. His eyes are closed, he breathes deeply and remains completely still. It’s unnerving; he’s been doing that a lot in the last days.

The turbolift stops, Kylo Ren finally opens his eyes and exits. They enter the bridge and Hux takes command, ordering the pilots to start the engines, then engage the hyperdrive.

It’s been a year since they left the _Stardust_ , and now they are going back into space. Hux watches the silhouette of the Supreme Leader standing by the viewport, his black cloak hanging from his shoulders, his gloved fists clenched at his sides, and he blinks. Has this year even happened? Have they ever left this ship?

Has Kylo Ren ever been different, dressed differently, worn other colours, smiled, looked happy? Now Ren’s jaw is hard and tight, darkness swirling around him, his face haggard and his eyes burning as he stares into the blue streaks of light.

Has Mara been real, or have they collectively dreamt her up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Part 1 of this series, I invented several planets that were not part of canon: Neelia (Mara's world of origin), Zeenah (the New Order's military base), and Xeria (the industrial stronghold). But here, in Part 2, all the worlds mentioned, like Bothawui and Krant, are part of either canon or Legends. And not just that: the Bothan Spynet, Sun Crushers, and Galaxy Guns are real too (I mean Star Wars-real!). If in doubt, check the Wookiepedia :-) I really enjoy these details - hope you do too!


	4. The Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara has to face the ghosts of Kylo’s past for the first time.

She blinks. The light in the room is unpleasant, too bright. Her skin prickles slightly and she feels a little nauseous. But apart from that, it’s much better than the last time she was conscious.

She is naked, floating in a glutinous, strange-smelling mass. When she moves her leg carefully, the pain that used to be so acute she kept a vivid memory of it, is no longer there.

Her senses and orientation return slowly, and just when it happens, she can see a face by the side of the bacta tank that she thinks she recognizes.

“Is it over?” she croaks. “Has it been one week?”

Merya, the doctor, nods, and together with Rose, the other woman Mara remembers, she helps Mara out of the tank and wraps her in a large towel. The doctor asks a few questions, quickly inspects different places on Mara’s body, especially the leg. There is a thin long scar above her knee, but otherwise the bacta seems to have worked.

At least on her body, because her mind feels broken.

“Any news?” she asks before heading to the refresher to shower, but Rose shakes her head. Mara suspected that; otherwise Kylo would be by her side as she woke up. She had really thought he’d be here by now. She hoped to wake up to the sight of his face. But Rose tells her there is no visible change in the ring of debris around the planet, no comm signal, and no new visitors.

Mara thinks of her two pilots, who, as Rose informs her, have been buried by Rose and her friends. One of them, called Eylar, had a young wife and a small son. He showed Mara the pictures of his family during the flight. The other pilot told her his name, too, and Mara can’t remember it. She thinks about it obsessively while showering, but it doesn’t come back.

The thought that he won’t even have a name on his grave is unbearable.

Mara doesn’t ask any more questions after the shower. She only replies to the doctor’s further inquiries and submits patiently to all the poking and prodding. After an in-depth examination it is confirmed that her leg is fine, and her other injuries are healed. But her pulse is abnormally quick, the doctor notes, and this must be due to the horrific dread she feels and tries to hide.

What if there’s nothing out there anymore and Kylo is dead?

* * *

One hour later, Mara stands in the doorway to the garden.

“Come on,” Rose says from behind her. “They know you’re out of the med bay today. They won’t eat you. Don’t worry.”

It’s the afternoon hours, the day is warm and nice, and many of the base occupants – most of them former Resistance fighters, but also some people from the city, as Mara learns – are in the garden. Poe, Finn and Kaydel are there, lounging on the grass. Rose has explained that everyone gets up rather early here and works in the morning, then they have a longer break for lunch, and then sometimes there isn’t even any more work to do. Depends on the day and on the season. Today is a lazy day.

 “Welcome to the base,” Finn speaks when Mara approaches, trailing behind Rose. “Glad to see you’re better.”

“Thank you for saving me,” Mara answers and takes a deep breath. Best to have it done and over with. “I appreciate that… you don’t really have any reason to help me. So I’m even more grateful that you did. And thank you for giving a burial to my pilots.”

“I hope you’ll have time to tell all that to your boyfriend if he happens to find us, before he slaughters everyone,” Poe says drily.

So that’s how it will be: no respite and no truce. Mara has tried to prepare herself for this possibility, but she doesn’t really understand why Poe is like that with her. Not really. After all, she is not Kylo. She would not be able to transfer her dislike from one person to another like that.

“I do hope he will find us, because you too need to be found. We’re all trapped here now.”

“I prefer to be trapped anywhere, let alone on such a nice world as this, than to risk being saved by Kylo Ren,” Poe laughs but it’s mirthless laughter and nobody else joins him. Finn smiles to Mara apologetically.

“So, do we know anything more than last time?” Mara tries to change the subject although she already knows from Rose that there is no news.

“Not really,” Kaydel replies. “Poe will try flying into the debris in a week, as planned. But nothing seems to be changing. Still no comms so we have no idea what happened.”

“We don’t even know what is out there. Maybe the whole galaxy is in ruins,” Poe says. “We might be the last ones standing, who knows. At least in this system.”

“If it was a supernova, we would see it in the night sky,” Finn adds. “So perhaps a comet. Or an asteroid? At least that’s less destructive. It might be a localized problem.”

“Or it might be an attack,” Mara says and silence falls.

“Do you know anything?” Rose asks.

“You sure thought of an attack very quickly,” Poe comments. “Would you care to share information on any superweapon that your beloved has been developing?”

“Where I am, you simply think of these things. We’ve beaten the gangs but there will always be others, it’s not difficult to imagine that many people are interested in wielding power over the galaxy. And no, Kylo wasn’t developing a superweapon.”

“Oh, because he’d tell you?” Poe sneers.

“Yes. Yes, he would tell me.”

“Have you… eaten anything?” Finn tries desperately. He glares at Poe, and Mara is even more worried because the last thing she wants is to create bad blood between the friends.

“Yes, thank you. I had lunch. Rose brought me food. You have very nice vegetables here.”

“We grow them,” Kaydel informs her, brightening up. “This is a very fertile planet, you’ll see. Everything grows here so easily. And there are plenty of edible and very tasty plants.”

“I could help with that,” Mara offers. “In the garden. I’d like to help. I’m healthy now.”

“Working with your hands must be new for you,” Poe remarks, this time more softly.

“Well, I grow many plants in my garden at home. Mostly decorative… but also fruit trees and bushes. I like gardening.”

This again is close to dangerous topics, so she stops.

“How are you all feeling about this?” she asks uncertainly, gesturing to the sky.

Finn shrugs.

“Bad. But at least we’re not in imminent danger. Such debris takes decades to fall onto the planet’s surface, so we’re not afraid the end of the world is near. Also, we don’t depend on anything that is imported, at least not for food. And there are other people in the city. We’re not alone. I guess it’s too early to start being really worried. I’m more worried about the rest of the galaxy, about our friends on other worlds.”

“For example Rey,” Poe says and Mara looks at him with sudden interest.

“Rey? Like the Jedi Rey? She visits you here?”

“Yes,” Rose replies. “She has just been recently so it might take some time now. But she might not be able to get through the debris, either, unless by that time it clears.”

“This is good,” Mara states though she doesn’t really rejoice in the perspective of Kylo’s former girlfriend’s visit. “She’s Force-sensitive. She might be able to get through. The Force helps with that. And then she can get out and get us help.”

Poe snorts.

“Now that would really be something,” he says. “Rey contacting Kylo Ren to tell him she found his girlfriend. Ironic, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s more important to see what a chance that could be. But there are other options. There was a tracker on my ship…”

“The tracker got damaged. We have checked. And comms aren’t working, which means the tracking signal would probably not travel anyway.”

They sit in silence for a moment, then Poe asks:

“Anyway, are you sure he’d come for you?”

“Of course he’d come for me,” Mara says, surprised. “And he will. He just needs to find me.”

“I thought it was just a political arrangement. So he won’t be crying his eyes out after you.”

“It isn’t a political arrangement. We love each other. It’s as real as can be.”

“Well,” Poe laughs mirthlessly again. “What a strange taste you have in love, Princess Mara. For murderers and tyrants.”

“Poe,” Rose says. “Is this necessary? Are we going to have a discussion about this now?”

“Why not? We have nothing else to do.”

“I get it, you know,” Mara speaks. “You hate him, and I love him. So you think you have to hate me. But you don’t, not really. We can disagree about Kylo and still not hate each other. There are other topics on which we might agree, you and I.”

Finn laughs.

“Well said,” he says.

“Are you friends with General Hugs too?” Poe asks.

“Yes,” Mara replies and everyone gets very still and silent.

 “He killed forty billion people and destroyed a whole system,” Finn says.

“Let me show you something,” Poe offers, typing quickly on his datapad, as if he waited for this opportunity. He puts the device on Mara’s knees for her to see.

“This is a holo we kept in our archives,” he explains. “From a year and a half ago. Just a nice example of the General motivating his troops.”

Mara watches in silence as Hux, recorded by an anonymous trooper, shouts that all the systems will bow to the First Order and will remember this day as the last day of the Republic. This must be moments before Starkiller fired on the Hosnian system. When the holo ends, nobody speaks for a long moment.

“I know about all this,” Mara says finally, in a quiet voice. “I haven’t seen that holo, but I know what he did.”

“You know about this and yet you defend him?”

“Who says I’m defending him? I condemn what he did. There’s no justification for it. But I feel… compassion. Everyone can earn forgiveness.”

“He’s a war criminal,” Poe says, leaning towards her, anger flickering in his eyes. “Guilty of genocide. There’s no forgiveness for that.”

“He’s not that man anymore. He will carry the burden of what he did until the end of his life. He’s done good things since. But he’s a harsh, tough man. He was shaped in this way by his family, then by Snoke. It’s difficult for him to change. And yet he has changed.”

“I don’t care,” Poe shakes his head. “I don’t care. Whatever good may come out of his changing, it is not worth keeping him alive. He deserves to be just eliminated.”

“Listen to yourself, General Dameron. You’re saying more or less the same thing that he said before firing that weapon upon Hosnia. You have been consumed by hate, too.”

Poe turns away and doesn’t speak for a long moment. The air is full of tension and Mara feels miserable. She’s grateful to them, but she’d love to just up and leave. She briefly contemplates asking them to help her move to the city, away from here, so that they don’t need to have these conversations. But who knows what she might be up against in the city, if people there recognize her? Like any public person, and especially Kylo’s consort, she might have enemies, and she’d be defenseless against them. At least here she’s safe. Despite Poe’s hostility, she doesn’t think he or the others might turn on her and harm her.

And also, she feels she somehow owes them this. In fact it’s Kylo who owes them, but Kylo isn’t here and might never have the chance to hold these conversations with them. She is Kylo’s consort, adviser, and closest collaborator. She represents him and she cannot, _should not_ , shun this kind of discussion. She didn’t shy away from these talks with Kylo’s potential allies one year ago, when she was trying to convince them to give him a chance. And nobody suffered from Kylo’s rage as much as the Resistance, so with them especially Mara won’t be taking the easy way out.

“You’re friends with criminals, Princess Mara,” Poe insists. “And you sleep with a criminal.”

“That’s enough, Poe,” Finn hisses.

“You have killed many people too, General Dameron,” Mara replies. “Perhaps more than Kylo. People who died on Starkiller, those who died on all the First Order ships you took out. Do you have nothing to say about that?”

“I did that in defence! I wasn’t the one who started.”

“For me, it’s all a cycle,” Mara says. “The Republic, the Empire, the First Order, the Resistance. Who started and when? We’re caught in the middle of this. We’re influenced by the past, by our surroundings, by other people. We make choices in the circumstances. Some of these choices are bad. All the dead, on both sides, had dreams, families, beliefs. I can’t cancel those deaths. But I can show some compassion, so that those who made mistakes are less likely to make them again.”

“This is your view. You and I will never agree on this. And if you had been affected by that conflict like I was, if you had seen your friends die, if you had been _tortured_ by Kylo Ren, you wouldn’t be saying these things now. And you certainly wouldn’t love him!”

“He tortured you?” Mara asks sadly.

“He pried my mind open to get the information he wanted. It hurt like hell. And then he would have killed me, if Finn here hadn’t managed to break me out.”

“I’m sorry,” Mara says, and she has tears in her eyes, which Poe notices and relents a little. She wishes she could tell him how the bad deeds from Kylo’s past still haunt him, but also how painful they are for her. And how scary it is to know that a good man, a sensitive man, a man she loves, could be degraded and corrupted to that point. “I do understand your point of view. I’m so sorry for what he did to you. He is a different man now. He regrets all that.”

“Well, if that’s the case, why hasn’t he ever apologised?” Poe asks bitterly.

“Perhaps he will one day.”

* * *

“You know, you can always tell him to bugger off,” Rose says to Mara after Poe leaves them rather abruptly.

“I know. But if I don’t find any answers to what he says, I don’t know how I can live with myself.”

“You don’t owe him an explanation for what anyone else did, and you don’t owe him an apology for your feelings towards people.”

“Maybe I’m doing it for myself rather than for him.”

Mara turns to Finn who remains silent.

“They hurt you too. Kylo almost killed you in a fight. You were there on Crait, and throughout the war. And yet you’re not as adamant as Poe.”

Finn waves his hand, but he looks worried.

“Poe has been traumatised by all that. It was his dearest cause, from the very beginning. I just joined at one point, at first because I had nowhere else to go, rather than out of conviction. I guess it was somehow easier for me to let go once the war was over.”

“And he never let go?”

“No, he didn’t. I don’t think he ever will. I think he also never forgave Leia for signing the ceasefire agreement with the New Order. He must have thought it was a betrayal of our cause.”

“It was a good idea to stop the fighting. That’s what it was all about, wasn’t it?”

“Not for him, not any more,” Finn says. “At one point, perhaps starting at Hosnia, or perhaps only at Crait, for Poe it was all about justice. About paying back. He respected Leia’s decision and didn’t try to violate the ceasefire but mostly because he knew nobody would join him. I think he dreamt of jumping into his X-wing and facing down the whole New Order, Kylo Ren, Hux, and all the others. If only it was possible, he would have done it, even at the cost of thousands of new deaths and chaos in the galaxy. That’s how broken it left him.”

* * *

Mara thinks of this conversation again when she sits alone on the bed in her room. It’s a small and modest place, but there’s everything she needs here. A bed, an armchair, a desk that can be used as a table, and a chair. A small private refresher. It’s a rather bare interior but it’s cosy, warm and safe.

They gave her this room, they also gave her clothes and hygiene products. They fed her. She spent the rest of the afternoon visiting the base and its surroundings with Rose, Kaydel and Finn, and getting acquainted with the other people living here. Everyone is rather friendly. But of course she’s aware of the curious looks and whispers they exchange behind her back. It’s not malicious and she understands their uneasiness, given who they are and who she is.

Among the Resistance people in particular, there’s a lot of anxiety about the fact Kylo Ren might show up any time to reclaim her. Mara can see they don’t rejoice in this perspective. Even though they have a ceasefire agreement, which Kylo himself offered to them, and even though the galaxy has been at peace for a long time, the fear of Kylo Ren and his First Order – nobody says “New Order” here – runs very deep.

Mara mentions she knew Leia, and it helps. They’re surprised to hear that. Everyone starts talking about Leia when, in the evening, Mara sits with them in the big mess where they eat together. They take turns at cooking. They like to live in a community, as if the war still continued. They could very well cook each for themselves, and the couples could stay away from the rest, but most people prefer to sit together. Or maybe it’s just today because they’re so curious about Mara? In any case, Leia is the subject that finally dispels the tension. Leia could also have been the link between them and Kylo, but Kylo never chose to pursue that opportunity.

Probably he tried to forget them as much as they wanted to forget him. They were part of an unpleasant past, never mind who was the guilty party.

Now, after dinner, in her little room, Mara is finally alone with her thoughts, and they’re not pleasant. She’s healed. No pain, one barely visible scar. She feels a bit weak, but this will wear off in a few days. She should be happy she’s alive. And she is – she is very happy. She knows it’s pure luck. She mourns her two pilots.

But apart from that…

Was that an attack? How big was it? What is happening in the galaxy outside the ring of debris surrounding Krant? How extensive is the destruction? Mara tries to remember what it looked like when she was in her ship but she only has flashes of memory, for example the enormous chunks of debris outside the viewport. If it was an attack, who’s to tell her there was just one? Perhaps the Core has been attacked as well?

Is Kylo alive and well?

No, the whole galaxy could not have been destroyed. Nobody has such weapons. Nobody has such power. She knows it’s not possible, it’s just that her ignorance as to what is going on drives her mad. And she fears for what she has the most precious.

If he is alive and well, is he coming for her? Will he be able to find her? Will he manage to cross the ring of debris to get to her? Or is it too dangerous?

How long? Days? Weeks? Months?

She feels like crying, but she pulls herself together. It’s just the first day after she woke up. If she cries now, and then this lasts for weeks and months, what will she do next? She needs to be stronger, and more patient.

Poe said he’d try to fly through it in one week, to get off-world. Until then, there’s no point in worrying too much.

She misses Kylo so much she could scream. She is afraid something might have happened to him, she wants to tell him what happened to her, she wants to cry in his arms, she wants to be consoled by him. She misses the warmth of his big body, his deep nasal voice murmuring into her ear, his brown eyes looking into hers from behind the curtain of his dark locks…

This image just appears in her mind: they’re lying on the bed, naked, and he rests his head on her belly. He trails his lips along her skin and she strokes his hair. His arms are wrapped around her waist.

Then he raises his head and looks at her. Softness radiates from the posture of his body curled around her, from the waves of hair around his face, and from his fluttering eyelashes as he lowers his head again and places a few more kisses on her belly.

I’m yours, his eyes tell her. Love me, please.

So she does. She does love him.

She pushes herself down on the bed to get closer to his face, wraps her arms around his neck, and kisses him. Their legs are tangled, their bodies flush against each other. This situation is so natural for them; there have been so many afternoons or evenings which they spent like this, in their apartments, naked together on their bed. Making love, resting afterwards and just touching, talking, making love again. It’s hardly possible for them to stay dressed around each other when they’re alone. And it’s not just about sex. It's about being together in some kind of primal, authentic state. It’s about full openness, full acceptance, being one.

“I love you, Ben,” she whispers and wants to melt into his body. It ends with sex because there’s just no other way to get closer. And even that is not close enough.

Will she ever have that again?

How can she live without it?

She already thought once that she had lost him, one year ago, when he almost got killed in the battle of Zeenah. That was agony, and that was before they even got together. That was before their first kiss. Before lovemaking. Before creating all this closeness and intimacy. And now, that she had it for a year, her mind and body need him so desperately she can’t do without him. It’s like an addiction, and perhaps it really is, in the biological or chemical sense. Perhaps the body, when in love, produces the same kind of substance as under a heavy addiction. The kind that makes it impossible to give up your drug. The kind that makes you experience withdrawal symptoms if you’re deprived of it.

But that drug was good for her. It made her happy. She only wanted to continue their life together, she just wanted more of the same. More of him.

Her skin tingles. She craves his touch. Did they become too dependent on each other?

“Kylo,” she says aloud. Come for me. I’m here. Can you find me with the Force? Can you feel me?

He can’t. She’s not Force-sensitive. They can’t connect across the galaxy. And yet, isn’t love a strong enough connection? Shouldn’t the Force bring her to him when she thinks of him as intensely as now? Shouldn’t their love bond be able to transcend the distance?

Apparently not, because even though Mara calls him, and sends love and despair his way, there’s no response.

* * *

Kylo jolts awake. He has heard something in his dream… or maybe it wasn’t a sound, but rather a feeling? Or maybe not a feeling but an image?

Of Mara. He heard, or felt, or saw her, and she was calling him.

He gets to the viewport and peers outside. There’s nothing in the darkness of space. No lost ship, adrift in the vacuum. They’re not even properly in Bothan space yet; as the hyperspace lanes got damaged in the cataclysm, the _Stardust_ had to come out of lightspeed long before Bothawui, and continue at a slower pace. So Mara definitely cannot be anywhere here.

It wasn’t a vision. He’s not sure it was a dream, either; a strange call in the middle of his half-slumber. He can't even describe it any longer, it becomes blurred in his mind, and yet it was so clear when he felt it…

The bridge crew are pretending not to look at him. He took to falling asleep on the  _Stardust_ ’s bridge. He wants to be ready when they find her, or when there’s a danger to reckon with, for example when debris comes their way and needs to be removed with the Force.

He turns around and the only person that is watching him, frowning, is Hux, who also doesn’t sleep very much. Presently Hux starts walking towards Kylo, his hands clasped behind his back in a well-known gesture of authority.

“I heard something,” Kylo says. “In my dream.”

Hux doesn’t engage, just stands next to him in silence.

“We still have two days to go before we get close to the site of the first impact around Bothawui,” he offers finally. “Maybe then… you’ll see more clearly. For now, you should save your strength.”

“It was Mara. I felt her, it was her. Or at least, it seemed so…”

Kylo falls silent. They don’t speak again and both stand there for long minutes, searching through the darkness outside with their tired eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! We needed this slightly calmer chapter to let Mara settle a bit into her new reality with the Resistance, while Kylo is only approaching the zone affected by the disaster and has not yet even seen the impact with his own eyes. Both are overwhelmed by the brutality of what happened and only starting to recover from the first shock; both suffer from the forced separation. In the next chapter, serious and unpleasant stuff will start happening (as if a galactic cataclysm was not enough). Let’s just say for now that someone will find Mara – but it won’t be Kylo.


	5. Darkness rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kylo finds the site of the cataclysm and the true enemy finds Mara

They spot the first bodies floating in space one day after Kylo’s strange dream.

Kylo isn’t on the bridge when the crew give the alert. Overcome by fatigue, he has finally given in to Hux’s persuasion and is fast asleep in his quarters, even if it’s daytime. He initially insisted on one of the Knights to be on the bridge at all times, except for a few hours at night, to minimalise the risk of the ship being damaged by any traveling debris or missiles. Being Force-sensitive, the Knights are able to feel most dangers seconds before they strike, as a disturbance in the Force. However, Hux dismissed that idea as absurd, arguing that the _Stardust_ ’s shields were powerful enough.

More importantly, though, they haven’t even encountered any debris yet, and for this reason, the sight in front of them now is particularly unsettling. Kylo arrives at the bridge in a matter of minutes; he, Hux, and all the Knights watch the dire spectacle in silence.

It must have been a large civilian cruiser. Its remains are scattered everywhere, and hundreds of frozen bodies of its passengers are floating in space outside their viewport.

“What ship is this?” Kylo asks.

“No idea but we have a list of all the ships that were legally in this space at the time of the explosions,” Hux replies. “This is a regular transport cruiser, one of hundreds on that list. We could identify it from the remains.”

“There’s nothing else around here,” M’biren remarks. “No trace of a bigger impact. It may have been hit with a smaller missile than those that caused the massive explosions.”

“A test?” Hux suggests.

“Pick up the remains with the tractor beam,” Kylo orders. “And the bodies. Someone out there will be grateful that they got a funeral.”

He doesn’t say another word as Hux gives the orders. Once they examine the debris, the ship turns out to be a Naboo cruiser. Kylo comms the Queen of Naboo from his office, then doesn’t emerge from his quarters again until the end of the day.

“The Queen is Mara’s best friend,” reminds Hux when he and the Knights sip a drink after dinner that night. Kylo is not with them.

“The exact same thing may have happened to Mara’s ship,” Sansena says quietly.

“If it did,” Djawan speaks, “the one responsible for it had better dig himself a hole in the ground on a remote moon in the Unknown Regions and live in it, hoping Kylo doesn’t find him.”

“Oh, he won’t,” Hux states. “Trust me. They never do. Guys that wreak this kind of havoc want everyone to find out. Just wait and see.”

“Not to mention they always want to do it again,” M’biren says.

* * *

The next day is worse. The closer they get to Bothawui, the more chaos they discover as they sail through the starry sky. This is the site of one of the major explosions. Huge rocks – the remains of gas giant Ganash, blown up together with most of its moons by one or several missiles – are scattered in space just like fragments of Hosnian Prime after the Starkiller attack. The Ganash debris has destroyed the colonies orbiting the planet and has fallen onto its remaining moons, obliterating all life there. It continues to travel in space, endangering nearby worlds and obscuring the light of the Both system’s star. Nobody knows what long-term impact this will have on living conditions in this system.

As they approach the junction of hyperspace lanes close to Bothawui, the debris gets thicker, and it's not just rocks – there are hundreds of wrecked ships floating around.

“They must have been coming out of hyperspace as they were hit,” M’biren explains.

For the first time they see Kylo panic; his eyes dart from one piece of debris visible through the viewport to another. He is looking for Mara’s ship. They don’t know where she was exactly when the impact struck, but it’s very possible that she was right here. That’s what the last readings from her tracker suggest – this is more or less where the signal died. If she had arrived before the explosion, she would have made planetfall safely. Bothawui itself hasn’t been destroyed. But she never got there. If she had arrived any time afterwards, on the other hand, her ship would have had to be somehow affected by what was going on –

“Now we’re here,” Hux cuts off the discussion. “We can start searching.”

But besides searching for Mara, there is so much to do, and this is just the first site. There were several other impacts, and the debris has travelled very, very far beyond the areas directly affected. As the most powerful warship of the New Order’s fleet, its shields holding their own against the debris, its cannons pulverizing obstacles if necessary, the _Stardust_ slowly opens a safe passage for other ships which will assist the affected populations. Commander Snyde’s _Tempest_ will lead the rescue and relief action. Snyde’s crew will try to assess the scale of the disaster, identify those worlds that are in immediate danger from travelling debris, and decide whom to evacuate.

Meanwhile, the _Stardust_ sends out thousands of probes to analyse the debris, looking for anything that could shed the light on the mysterious cataclysm. Samples of rocks, fragments of destroyed ships, bodies: anything can help them understand what weapons were used and how many. The carcasses of destroyed ships need to be visited, their communications systems examined, to find out what they registered. Once the work is finished in this system, the  _Stardust_ will travel further, to the next explosion site.

Kylo spends the day in holoconferences with the leaders of the nearby worlds who seek information and are asking for help in the face of an overwhelming tragedy. Their fleets are at the New Order’s disposal; civilian ships are helping too, and even private freighters are involved. It’s a moment of great solidarity but strong coordination is needed. Since they know it was an attack – which hasn’t been communicated to the public yet, but the members of Kylo’s Council and some other political leaders have been notified – the fleet, the techs and the intelligence services are mobilised day and night to prevent another attack. Kylo’s Knights and top commanders are working around the clock, and on Chandrila, Lord Wynad takes over, leading the Council temporarily and coordinating defence operations, in case the Core is targeted while Kylo with most of his fleet is away. Fortunately the individual fleets of the Core Worlds are strong, and the communication lines with the _Stardust_ remain open at all times. But they all know that if superweapons are used again, no fleet will be able to defend the Core. So it’s a race against the clock to find the weapons and the perpetrator.

The probes the _Stardust_ sends out to take and analyse samples don't just look for the answers on the attack. Mara’s ship’s specifications have been programmed into all of them. All the scientists and engineers on board the _Stardust_ and every New Order ship have received these data. The moment they find the smallest piece of her ship among the debris floating in space, they will report it. The moment that happens, it will be known that her ship was destroyed in the explosion.

They do not find it during the first day and it’s a relief, a small mercy. It’s not among the hundreds of wrecks around the junction of hyperspace lanes, or it has been pulverized into much smaller particles than those analysed so far, so the probe droids continue their work. Millions of other sensors are sent into deep space, to look further and further, and not just for scattered fragments – after all, her ship might have been damaged rather than destroyed, and might now be adrift. In that case, they have at most a few weeks before she runs out of food and oxygen.

In the Both system, some worlds have been encircled by dense rings of debris, and effectively cut off from the rest of the galaxy. In certain cases, it is possible to get through or bypass them and go planet-side; in others, it isn’t. The _Stardust_ is too big, and for smaller ships it’s not safe. The rings are highly unstable. Nobody knows what is happening on those planets but some of them don't seem to be in imminent danger so they can be reached later. Others, however, have debris falling onto the surface, and need rescue and relief urgently. In parallel, New Order ships are dispatched to all accessible worlds, in case Mara crashed on any of them.

But there are so many worlds to check. And the space out there is so big. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And Kylo knows it. During those first days around Bothawui, when he’s not discharging his official duties, he lingers by the viewport for hours. He has never been afraid to look at destruction and death, but he is terrified now, his heart drumming in his chest as if he was in fibrillation, his eyes darting around, looking for any signs of Mara’s black shuttle. Looking for her in all the dead frozen faces they still encounter from time to time.

He sways on his legs when the Knights or Hux drag him off the bridge. And when he sits down or finally falls asleep at night, exhausted and miserable, he expects to be torn out of his sleep brutally by the sound of his comlink. Because the moment any of the probes out there identify a sample of debris as part of Mara’s ship, the Supreme Leader will be alerted.

Automatically. He ordered the system to be programmed that way. Day after day, he can’t fall asleep, dreading the sound. Whenever he finally drifts off, he dreams that he hears it and wakes up, screaming in terror.

* * *

One week after she left the med bay, Mara is back there in the morning to help Merya. This is one of her jobs now: she has also been helping with the plants in the garden and food gathering in the forest. She doesn’t know how to do anything mechanic so she can’t take up any of the jobs people from the city need done, but she doesn’t mind the med bay and the food duties.

However, she minds other things. Yesterday, for example, everyone from the base went to the city to spend the day and ask around for any news. Mara wanted to go too, but Poe suggested she should stay behind for her own safety. They prefer to keep her a secret, because there might be too many questions as to why the Supreme Leader’s consort made planetfall here just after a mysterious cataclysm, why she was alone, or how her pilot managed to get through the ring of debris surrounding Krant.

These are all reasonable considerations, but she can’t help feeling slighted and left behind. Only a few people stayed on the base and she hardly saw anyone for the whole day. In the evening, when the rest of them came back, she was resentful and kept to her room.

And today is a big day – Poe is supposed to fly into the ring of debris surrounding Krant. He’ll try to get through and get help, if there’s still anything and anyone out there. Mara works by Merya’s side in the med bay, putting the supplies from the city on the shelves, and tries not to think of the consequences if Poe fails. Worse, if he doesn’t come back. After the morning’s work is done, she returns to her room, uncertain if on such an important day they want her around. And Merya told her to rest; Merya says Mara looks tired, she overexerts herself, she must recover properly after all her injuries.

The truth is Mara is tired because she can’t sleep at night. Her thoughts don’t let her. But she has to continue to work, she feels too self-conscious not to; she’s eating their food, wearing their clothes, using their sheets and hygiene products, taking advantage of their resources and hospitality, and not paying her way, while they’re not exactly her friends.

As she paces the room, slightly tearful and undecided what to do, there is a knock at the door. Mara is mortified; maybe it was rude to stay in her room, as if she didn’t feel they were good enough for her? It’s so strange; for the first time in her life, she doesn’t know how to deal with a social situation. She doesn’t know how to please these people, how to avoid upsetting them.

Rose and Kaydel are standing outside her door, looking at her expectantly.

“Hi,” Rose says, “We were going for a walk in the forest, to pick some fruit, and we thought perhaps you’d like… Are you crying? Is anything wrong?”

There is worry in her voice and Mara feels so terribly guilty. She ushers them in and closes the door.

“I’m sorry! I’m alive, I’m well, you’ve been so good to me, and here I am crying in my corner like a spoiled brat. Give me a minute – and I’ll be ready, we can go…”

“Hey, you don’t need to pretend in front of me,” Rose says. “I’m not Poe. I understand you miss… him. Kylo Ren.”

“You do?” Mara asks and tears well up again in her eyes.

“Sure we do,” Kaydel shrugs. “You don’t even know what happened out there, nor whether anything has happened to him… and hey, we know it’s not a political arrangement between you two. We watched the holonet.”

The two women grin at Mara until she smiles back.

“I know everyone hates him here. It’s difficult to take this in. So at least I try not to talk about how much I miss him.”

“I don’t hate him,” Rose says. “And Kaydel doesn’t, and even Finn doesn’t so much anymore, although he used to. There’s just no point in clinging to hate. The idea of having you here was a bit strange at first, but it will be fine. Everyone is already getting used to you. Even Poe.”

“Come have tea with us in the kitchen?” Kaydel suggests. “Tea helps.”

And five minutes later the three of them, plus Merya and two other women, are having an impromptu tea party in the kitchen. They are talking about men. Rose complains about Finn, who oversleeps in the mornings. He is lazy, she says; the women laugh, and Merya shares some funny stories about her past boyfriends. She’s been alone for a year and she’s taking a break from relationships. Her last boyfriend snored so much she can’t face sleeping with a man in one bed for some time now. Then each of them shares love stories; some funny, some touching, some annoying, some steamy.

Mara smiles but remains silent. She’d like very much to share something too. How she bought Kylo a greyish blue shirt and how she had to trick him into wearing it at first, because he would wear only black, and now it’s one of his favourite clothes. How he used the Force to make a blue butterfly sit in her hair, just after they met on Neelia. How she feared she lost him before he was even properly hers, as he had got injured and was in a coma after the battle of Zeenah. How he was teaching her how to fly in the last year and how much fun they both had with it. But she’s not saying anything because even though they say they don't hate him, telling stories about him might be too much.

There is another woman here, Zeeke, a local from the city, who fell in love with one of the Resistance pilots and stayed on the base with him. She mentions children. She and her partner are thinking about it. Rose says she and Finn haven’t talked about that yet. They’re all young; except for Merya, these women are all slightly younger than Mara who will be thirty-one soon.

“And you, Mara?” Rose asks. They clearly expect Mara to say something, and Rose smiles to her encouragingly.

“Well,” Mara starts and hesitates, “Perhaps not now, but in the next few years I think I’d like that…”

She surprises herself with this. She doesn't understand why she said it. She has never told it to anyone – not even to Kylo – and in fact she hasn’t been thinking about it very much. It just crossed her mind a few times recently: that maybe one day they could discuss it. She doesn’t even know if Kylo wants children. She knows his memory of his childhood and of his parents’ marriage isn’t a happy one. It didn’t bother her; they had all the time in the world to start talking about it. But suddenly she wishes she had asked him how he felt about it, because now she has no idea.

She’s afraid they will all be silent at that, or one of them will say with distaste: “A child with Kylo Ren?!”, or: “Won't he be afraid his child will one day kill him like he killed his own father?” Mara sighs. It is so easy to love Kylo when she’s there, on Chandrila, immersed in their life, with their friends, but as soon as she leaves that world, his past is immediately brought to her attention. It’s not a pleasant realisation.

But nothing of the kind happens this time.

“A Force baby?” Rose prompts.

 “A girl or a boy?” Kaydel asks.

“Oh, I don’t know. A girl, I guess? But with Kylo’s hair.”

“He does have great hair,” Merya admits and there is some giggling. “At least on the holonet it looks so.”

“Forgive me, Mara,” Rose starts playfully, “The hair is fine, but hopefully if it’s a girl, she will have _your_ nose.”

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” Mara says and bursts out laughing, and the rest of them immediately follow suit. It feels so good to be able to talk about him and make jokes. And to share things with other women – especially this thing she hasn’t shared with anyone yet.

“I hope he’ll find us before I’m too old for a baby,” she adds and once again, all the women laugh with her.

Or maybe they all pretend, because when a minute later Poe enters the kitchen, slightly dishevelled, his lips tightly pressed together, silence falls immediately. He is followed by Finn and a few other people. For a moment, nobody speaks.

“It didn’t work?” Mara asks first.

“No.”

“It was too dangerous?”

“The ring of debris can’t be crossed safely,” Poe states, looking at each of them in turn. “I had to turn back. Flying any further would have been a suicide. There are actually many rings with different orbits, all unstable, dense, and moving very fast. No idea how far they extend and how long it would take to get through.”

They all digest this in silence and for the first time everyone looks really scared.

“Couldn’t we somehow bypass the rings?” Mara suggests. “Fly into the gap between the upper atmosphere and the innermost ring?”

“I tried that,” Poe nods. “But weird things are happening there. I’m no physicist but a strange magnetic phenomenon occurs. It renders the upper atmosphere very turbulent and creates an electric current. Which makes the ship swerve and affects the instruments. Plus, I flew into a cloud of particles, very small ones, but at the speed they were travelling, they could damage the ship. My shields barely held.”

“So we’re trapped,” Rose says. “Is this what you’re saying?”

“Essentially, yes. If we absolutely had to get off-world, the risk would have to be taken. But we’re not in any danger here. So I have no reason to tell you to pack up and get on the ship. We likely wouldn’t make it.”

“So we will just stay here until someone finds us?” Finn asks.

“I don’t see a better option. We don’t have any cannons strong enough to open a passage through the rings. Neither do the city people. And nobody on Krant has a ship with technology advanced enough to neutralize the impact of the electric current and the magnetic field, or with shields strong enough to resist the rain of those particles.”

He looks at Mara and says:

“The New Order has such ships. But even if the galaxy isn’t all destroyed and your boyfriend is looking for you, assuming the Force combined with technology could help him cross the rings, it will take him years to visit all the worlds in the sector looking for the one on which you crashed. He will certainly not be starting from Krant because it will never occur to him your ship may have managed to cross the ring of debris. And that’s only if he still believes you're alive. We may stay here forever.”

* * *

It’s not like they didn’t know they were in a difficult situation. They could see the problem when they looked at the sky above the planet. But somehow, for those two weeks, until Poe took a ship and flew in there, everyone put worrying off for later. They were all in denial, and Mara was in denial, too. One needs to wait for something to have hope. Now they have nothing to wait for, except being rescued, but they have no idea when this might happen. They don’t even know if there’s anyone out there to rescue them.

All of a sudden, Mara realizes she may well spend the rest of her life here on Krant. Waiting for Kylo to descend from the sky. Suddenly the joke she made a few minutes ago – that she might be too old for children when he found her – sounds ominous, as if she had said it at a wrong time, as if she had brought some evil upon them all by saying it.

She stands by the window of the base and looks at the sky. Her heart beats very fast. It might be a light panic attack, something Mara has never experienced before. It’s so difficult to think straight.

But it doesn’t last long. She wills herself to be calm. She might not be an asset in a fight, she might not be a pilot or a mechanic, but she has other qualities. She is not faint of heart and no situation overwhelms her for long. It’s been only two weeks since her crash. If there’s still someone out there, a world like Krant – not a godforsaken, empty moon in the Unknown Regions, but an inhabited planet, with sentient beings, that is on all the maps of the galaxy – will surely not be forgotten. Sooner or later someone will try to get here to see what happened to everyone living on this world. Sooner or later, Kylo will get here. He has obligations towards the worlds in Bothan space, he has taken commitments. If a planet is isolated from the rest of the galaxy as a result of a mysterious explosion, the New Order will come to its rescue. Mara knows it better than anyone; she has worked on those agreements with him. This is what the New Order does. In the event of a cataclysm, the New Order will coordinate the rescue and relief operations. They will try to reach quickly the worlds which have been cut off.

Unless there are plenty of worlds in that situation.

And provided that Kylo is alive, well, and still at the helm of the New Order. He must be. He is the most difficult man to kill in the whole galaxy. If it was an attack and not a natural event, and if the attack was against him, it failed. The attackers managed to destroy some worlds, but not to get to Kylo.

She’s sure of it. She wills herself to be sure.

She longs to reassure everyone else on the base, to speak up and tell Poe he’s wrong, they won’t stay here forever, it’s a question of weeks, perhaps months, but no longer than that. The New Order is already out there assisting those in need, they have probe droids and sensors all over the galaxy, they have hi-tech holomaps, they can monitor the situation live.

But she’s silent because she cannot prove that the New Order still exists, that Kylo is still alive, or that anything, anything at all, continues to exist beyond the dangerous rings of debris surrounding Krant.

When Poe leaves them, she waits for a few minutes, then follows him to the garden. He’s sitting on the grass, with his back to her. She sits by his side and for a long moment neither of them says anything.

 “At least I was a good pilot,” Poe says finally. “One of the best. And now, I can’t even do that.”

“What are you talking about? I’ve heard stories about you. If you can’t fly into it, it can’t be done. Everybody here knows you're the best.”

“What’s the point of being the best if you're not good enough?”

“You have to stop tormenting yourself like this,” Mara says firmly. “It’s like a black cloud on your mind. It taints everything.”

The moment these words leave her mouth, she realizes how much this is similar to Kylo’s moods. The moods he had before they got together. So darkness can also live in those who are not Force-sensitive.

Poe is a handsome man, more conventionally handsome than Kylo, though not as tall and imposing. But everything in his face and figure is pleasant. He shouldn't have any problems finding someone to love. And yet, Mara knows, when darkness possesses you, it’s like the world out there is behind glass that you can’t break through.

“I’m sorry I attacked you last week,” he says suddenly. It’s the first time they’re talking alone, and he goes back immediately to that conversation they had just after Mara left the med bay. “None of this, and none of what happened between me and Ren, is your fault. I shouldn’t have been venting on you.”

“It’s fine. Don’t mention it.”

“I just think it’s so unfair,” Poe explodes. “Leia is dead. So many people are. So many others are broken. And now we can’t even get off this fucking planet, and somehow I have a feeling he’s involved in that, too.”

“You don’t really believe that explosion was Kylo’s doing, do you? You just can’t forgive him for the past. And you can’t let go.”

“I have nothing left in my life. I feel like one of those old veterans who can’t find themselves a place after the war, and just sit around engrossed in their memories, traumatised for ever.”

“There’s more to it than the trauma. You lost your purpose. Suddenly your enemy ended the war, refused to engage, and you were left with nothing, just with all this hatred simmering inside you.”

“Perhaps I just need to let it out.”

“You want to let it out by punishing those who hurt you. But let me tell you something. You won’t like it but it’s Kylo who taught me that. Maybe you could learn something from his experience too.”

Poe scoffs but doesn’t interrupt her.

“What you’re describing is the shortest path to the dark side,” Mara says. “Darkness is very easy to fall into, it’s tempting, because it’s often the easiest way. But once you’re in it, it’s never enough. You will never quench your thirst for revenge. You will just hate more and more, until you build a superweapon and destroy a whole system, and absolutely everyone whom you hated, and then you’ll be left with nothing, too. Hollow. Guilty. Not at peace, as you think you will be.”

Poe exhales slowly.

“So how do I let go?” he asks.

“Maybe you start by realising you need to let go?”

He smiles and with this smile, without the usual scowl, his features become really handsome.

“I get it now. Ren hired you as a coach, right? That’s how he and Hux succeeded in unifying the galaxy and becoming good guys.”

“I can be your coach too,” Mara offers, smiling back at him. “Or, even better, I can be your friend. If you’d like that.”

“Let’s try.”

“Also, you should get out of here. All of you. You guys should disperse. You can remain friends but you shouldn’t live here all together. You can’t move on with your lives because you are still playing at war. Staying on a military base, with other soldiers. It needs to stop.”

“So what should I do? Where should I go?”

“It’s a big galaxy, Poe. When we get out of here, there will be so many possibilities. They need good pilots everywhere. And everywhere there are pretty girls who love a charming pilot.”

He snorts and glances at her with a smirk.

“I suppose it would be a perfect revenge if I stole Ren’s girl from him,” he laughs. “Are you sure you don’t want to humour me?”

“Nope,” Mara smiles. “It’s tempting but no thanks, this girl is taken. However, I promise to introduce some friends to you when you visit me on Chandrila.”

“All princesses?”

“Just tell me your type, and I’ll make it happen.”

He laughs out loud now, more sincerely, and pats her arm. She hasn’t seen him in such a good mood yet. Chasing dark clouds from brooding men’s brow seems to be her specialty.

“You’re a good person,” Poe says. “I like good people.”

It’s a truce. At least for the time being.

* * *

Mara takes to walking in the forest to pick edible plants; she turns out to be very good at remembering and spotting them. At first, she does it with Rose and Finn, and Kaydel, then also alone. Apart from the med bay chores, this is her favourite kind of work. It’s outside, and the Krantian forest is like nothing she has seen before: very colourful, with huge trees. When the sun comes closer to the horizon in the evening, their big leaves glow beautifully in the golden light. It is also a peaceful and rather idyllic place, and the days are warm, so Mara can spend more and more time out in the fresh air. At least there is that. She could have crashed on a deadly and hostile or uninhabited world.

She has a good sense of orientation, but she carries a small navigation device with her, in case she gets lost, so she dares to venture further and further into the forest. Sometimes it takes her up to four or five hours, and it’s not really necessary to go that far because food is plentiful, but she enjoys it. It gives her exercise and calms her down. It helps her wait patiently.

She suspects one day she will eventually lose heart, if this lasts forever, but this day is not now.

Today, three weeks after her crash, she takes a new path, one leading her towards the north, towards the city, though of course it would be days of walking before she got there. She turns and turns into other, smaller paths, and at last steps onto a large sunny clearing. It is so charming Mara decides to stop for a picnic, though she’s been walking only for an hour. She digs in her bag for her food pack – not rations, she cannot stand rations, she prefers the simplest food as long as it’s real, fresh food.

With her food pack in her hand, she looks up and finds a man standing in front of her, just a few metres away.

Mara startles. She’s not a person to be easily frightened, but this is unnerving. She’s in the middle of the forest, she hasn’t met anyone for the last hour, anyway nobody lives here apart from the people on the base – and this man is not one of them – plus, when she looked around just a moment ago, he wasn’t there.

The man lifts his hands in a peaceful gesture.

“Good afternoon. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Oh,” Mara says, still wary but relaxing a little. “I’m sorry too. I overreacted. I didn’t see you.”

“You have every right to overreact,” he laughs. “I would too if someone sneaked upon me like this in the middle of the forest.”

He is her age, perhaps two, three years older, and handsome. Tall and lean, with dark blond hair cropped short, blue eyes, a pleasant tan, and nice casual dark blue clothes. He looks friendly and unthreatening. She would have probably fancied him, some time ago, in her previous life. She had a boyfriend once who looked similar. Now, however, Mara’s type is different. She feels amused when she realizes how even her preferences for physical appearance in men changed with Kylo. This guy, like Poe, is probably more conventionally good-looking than Kylo. And yet she cannot help but think Kylo so much more attractive.

Anyway, these are pleasant thoughts. She smiles to the man.

“Do you live nearby? I didn’t think there were any other people here. I live…”

“On the old Empire base. I know that, Princess Mara.”

It takes Mara a few seconds to react to that. How does he know where she lives? And how does he know her? Is he from the city? But Poe didn’t want to divulge her presence to the people from the city. Did he in the end tell someone about her? Or another person from the base did?

“You are from the city?”

“No. I don’t live here permanently.”

“So what are you doing here? Did you crash after the cataclysm, just like me?” she tries joking but something is wrong and she takes a careful step back.

“In a way, yes,” he replies lightly. “I arrived after the explosion.”

“What?” Mara says, incredulous. “How did you manage to get through? There’s a cloud of debris out there, and electric currents, and rains of particles. Our best pilot couldn’t fly into it.”

“Your best pilot doesn’t have the Force to warn him of obstacles on his way or keep the danger at bay.”

“You have the Force?” Mara asks and scans him, looking for a lightsaber. And there it is: a dark hilt discreetly clipped to his belt. “Are you a Jedi? Are you here to help us?”

“I’m not a Jedi. But once I trained to become one.”

And here it starts to be strange in a way Mara can’t quite put a finger on. Perhaps it's the manner in which he said it. The snarl on his face when she mentioned the Jedi.

“Why are you here?” she asks curtly.

“I’m here for you,” the man says calmly and the smile disappears from his face. “I have come for you, Mara.”

She contemplates turning around and running but she’s pretty sure she won’t outrun him. Not to mention that if he can really use the Force and is any good at it, he can probably freeze her in place.

“I don’t know you,” she replies and turns around as if she wanted to leave. “I don’t know what you're talking about.”

“No, you don’t know me,” the man agrees, moves to overtake her and stands in front of her again, barring her way. “But Kylo Ren and I know each other well. At least we used to. I used to know his uncle, too.”

The dots start to get connected and her heart beats so hard he must hear it. Cold panic spreads over her body as she tries to control her face expression.

“You trained in Luke’s temple to be a Jedi?”

“That’s right. I see you know the story. Luke was an old buffoon, but it was a fun place, you know. Until your fiancé razed it to the ground and killed everyone.”

“It wasn’t like that…”

“I know what it was like. I was there,” the man in blue says and steps so close to Mara that she reaches discreetly for the small vibro-shiv knife, a gift from Armitage, that she always carries with her, hidden in her sleeve, just like Armitage taught her. “Kylo Ren attacked and injured me, and then he left me for dead like all the others. Only I didn’t die. And I’m delighted to finally meet you, Mara. I’ve been waiting for such an opportunity for quite some time.”

Mara can feel her legs shaking. She expects him to pounce any moment. Or Force-choke her.

But he doesn’t.

“No need to be afraid, I have no intention of harming you,” he says and extends his hand to her. “My name is Arn-Seth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we have met the villain. Those of you who have read the first part of this series, [Enough to Hope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17384009/chapters/40912382), will remember Arn-Seth. He appeared in the last chapter (epilogue), and the decisive role he played in the events of the book - until then completely hidden - was revealed. It was also clear then that he’d be back, and here he is. And now we finally know who he is and why he hates Kylo. 
> 
> If you have a very bad feeling about this, you’re totally right.


	6. Arn-Seth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the cards are on the table and Mara starts playing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: a mention of rape (but nobody gets raped).

“What do you want?”

They’re sitting on the grass on another forest clearing, in front of a cottage to which Arn-Seth took her. Mara didn’t resist. He invited her to come with him and promised he would not harm her. She didn’t believe him but decided her chances were better if she didn’t try to run away.

He showed her the cottage, which looked old but freshly cleaned and repurposed, as if he had just moved in. Just behind it, the forest seemed denser and wilder than anywhere else Mara had seen so far on Krant.

“There is an old Sith temple not far away,” Arn-Seth explained. “The Force is strong here.”

“The Dark side of the Force?”

“You know very well there is just one Force, Mara. Don’t pretend to be ignorant about it.”

“You speak as if you knew me.”

“Ah but I do know you. I’ve done my research on you. And I can presume you know certain things about the Force after living for more than a year with Kylo Ren.”

He even made her tea.

“It’s not poisoned,” he said, handing the cup to her and noticing her hesitation. “I could kill you with one flick of my hand if I wanted to. I don’t need to give you poisoned drinks.”

So she accepted it. It was her favourite kind of green tea, which he must have known.

“What I want?” he repeats now in response to her question. “I already got what I wanted. Now it’s just a bonus, having you here and talking to you.”

“So what is it that you wanted?”

“To make Ren suffer.”

He certainly doesn’t beat about the bush or make any effort to hide his intentions. It crosses her mind that she won’t be able to tell when he is lying because he is so open and direct. That is dangerous.

“Are you responsible for all of this?”

“All of what?”

“Do not deflect. You know what I mean. The explosion, whatever it was. My ship’s crash here. The debris, which makes it impossible to leave the planet and communicate with the rest of the galaxy.”

He laughs. He has a pleasant laugh, and a pleasant voice, too. Everything in him is graceful, the lean body, the handsome face, the way he moves, the way he speaks.

“You give me too much credit, Mara. Yes, I am responsible for the explosion. Yes, it was an attack, or rather a series of attacks. A few worlds are gone. Plus I underestimated the mess the debris would make, so there go a few others, which were not on the list initially. And yes, you were the target, too. But you were supposed to die. Your emergency landing here was not part of the plan.”

“And you’re just sitting here calmly, treating me to tea while telling me you actually wanted to kill me?”

“Nothing personal,” Arn-Seth assures her, sprawling on the grass in front of her and undoing the top clasp of his navy blue tunic as if he grew too warm, or too comfortable. “I didn’t know you. I just wanted to get on Ren’s nerves. And these days, the best way to do that is via you. He doesn’t care about anything else as much. I didn’t manage to get him at Zeenah, so I had to come up with another plan. And it was a good plan, it’s just that your pilot was incredibly skilful and knowledgeable about habitable worlds on which he could crash-land.”

There goes everything she thought she knew and understood. All her world is crushed. There’s a man here she hasn’t ever seen in her life, who turns out to be responsible for all her suffering, and not just now, but also last year. The assassination attempt. The war. Countless deaths. The agony of having to say goodbye to Kylo as she thought he was about to die.

“Zeenah was because of you? You were behind all that? But the gangs – ”

“Yes, I was behind that.” He looks very pleased with himself. “It almost worked, didn’t it? And the conspiracy worked because you didn’t find me, not with the hundreds of prisoners you interrogated. You had no idea. But no matter. As I said, you were supposed to die, but now you’re alive, I had to come after you.”

“What for? To kill me?”

“I wasn’t sure, to be honest,” he confesses, grinning. “Before I made planetfall here, I wasn’t sure what to do with you once I found you. But now that I see how things are and that you won’t ever get off the planet, I see no reason to kill you. Kylo Ren has already lost you. He is suffering. I can continue with the rest of the plan.”

“What rest of the plan?”

“Why, kill him, obviously. You didn’t think I’d stop now, did you? I just want him to writhe in pain for a few months first. Then I’ll attack again. He won’t see it coming.”

She doesn’t know what is more terrifying: his so-called plan, or his cheerful tone, or the fact that he’s telling her all this so easily, which can mean only one thing: she won’t make it out of here alive, or at least not in time to warn Kylo. Today Arn-Seth promised he wouldn’t harm her, but he may kill her later. He’s just playing with her for now, like a cat with its prey. She is trapped on Krant, after all. And he knows that she knows that. This makes it so much sicker.

“Kylo will discover everything. He’ll find out what weapons you used, he’ll track you – ”

“No, he won’t. I assure you he won’t. These weapons are unlike any he knows. This is old technology, ancient stuff, hidden away by Palpatine, which Snoke knew about, but not Kylo Ren.”

“And how did _you_ know?”

“You think Snoke only spoke to Ren’s mind? You think he never tried to tempt anyone else? He wasn’t telling Ren everything. He knew what a whiny conflicted little bitch Ren was, in spite of his powers.”

Is he even telling the truth? There’s no way to know.

“How did you know I was here?” Mara asks finally, after she finishes her tea. There is such a turmoil in her head that her hands are shaking, so she is holding the cup firmly. It is easier this way; she has to hold on to something.

“Your ship had a tracker. Another one, a better one that the New Order tracker, which got disabled by the explosion.”

“A tracker? How – “

“How?” Arn-Seth repeats, laughing out loud. “Oh, Mara. How many people work in your residence? How many people work under Ren? Did you think they were all loyal, or that nobody could slip in and get the information they needed, on your travel plans, on the ship you’d take? You must be crazy to think such things can stay secret. Where there is will, there is way.”

She admires his composure and his almost friendly, almost serene demeanour. He is saying terrible things in a pleasant way. There is something very unsettling about it, a degree of dissonance that confuses her. His easy, polite manner disarms her, it lulls her into a false sense of security, before she remembers this man is her mortal enemy. Mara isn’t very good at hating people. There’s nobody she really hates. She doesn't hold grudges, doesn’t hold on to negative emotions. But she will have to learn how to hate from now on.

“So you killed millions of innocent people just to get your revenge on Kylo Ren?”

“ _He_ killed millions of people. You see, these millions – sorry, actually it’s _billions_ – would have never died if it was not for Kylo Ren. If he hadn’t insisted to become the Supreme Leader, to take over the galaxy, to rule as if he deserved it, none of this would have happened. He should have died a long time ago. He’s worthless, and now his past mistakes cost billions of people their lives. Don’t you think it will look appalling on the news once everything is revealed?”

“What do you want from me?” Mara repeats. There isn’t even time to process this last horrific revelation. What does he want? To make her a passive, helpless spectator of his conspiracy against Kylo? To make her wait for Kylo’s death and tell her once it’s done? To torture her by keeping her a prisoner on this planet while it’s happening? Or to get some information out of her that would make it easier to get to Kylo?

“Don’t worry, I will not torture you,” Arn-Seth says as if he heard her thoughts. Did he? She needs to raise her mental barriers, she knows how to do it, Kylo taught her. She should have done that earlier. “I don’t enjoy that. I simply want to talk to you.”

“Talk to me?”

“About Kylo Ren. I want you to understand what kind of man he is. To show you why I’m doing this.”

“You want my blessing?”

“Perhaps your understanding?”

“That’s awfully considerate of you, and at the same time very insecure,” Mara remarks drily. “But save your breath. You're not the first one who tells me terrible things about him. It’s part of the package. I got used to it.”

“And it doesn’t bother you at all? That so many people have bad things to say about him?”

“It’s his past. He has changed. We have a different life now.”

“Right. So his past doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Of course it matters. But the present counts more. That he has changed, counts more.”

They are both silent and she feels unsettled by how his deep blue eyes bore into hers, with a shade of a smile.

“So you don’t really want to hear what happened at Skywalker’s temple, do you?” he prompts lightly.

“I know what happened. Luke wanted to kill Kylo; Kylo brought the hut’s roof down on Luke with the Force; everyone woke up, some students attacked Kylo for attacking Skywalker, some others stood by him, there was a general fight, people got killed, Kylo and the rest of the Knights fled. About ten students died.”

She doesn’t know their names nor who they were. She didn’t know Arn-Seth’s name before this encounter – so now she can’t tell if it’s his real name, or the name he used at the temple, or a complete invention. She can’t even be sure if he was really at the temple, if he was Skywalker’s student. In other circumstances, it could be interesting to listen to his story. Not that she wants to fact check Kylo’s interpretation of what happened that night. But Arn-Seth, if he was really one of the students, was supposed to be dead, yet he is alive; he is the only person alive who was on the other side than the side Mara knows. Her fair, rational mind is telling her his story might be worth hearing. Why did Kylo try to kill this man, precisely? And how did Arn-Seth survive?

But she won’t ask him these questions. She won’t listen to his lies, not while he is a madman guilty of murdering billions, bent on murdering Kylo and perhaps herself.

“What a charming, simple account Ren gave you of that night. Come back tomorrow, same time, and I’ll tell you more,” Arn-Seth leans towards her as if he wanted to kiss her goodbye, and lowers his voice so that it sounds all husky. “I’ll tell you all about the girlfriend he raped and slaughtered that night at the temple.”

“You filthy liar – ”

“Tomorrow, princess Mara,” he repeats firmly, still uncomfortably close. “And don’t even think of telling anyone on the base. I will know if you do.”

He extends his hand to her again, like he did an hour ago when they met. She didn’t take it then and she won’t take it now, but he seems unphased by that. She glances down at his arm though.

“Oh yes,” Arn-Seth says cheerfully. “It’s an artificial one. Hard to notice until you look closely, isn’t it? A very good prosthetic. Produced by the New Order’s labs on Xeria. I just resent the fact I had to pay for it, given that it was your fiancé who chopped my arm off right above my elbow. They could have at least offered me a discount, right?”

Mara flees in confusion.

* * *

She trudges back to the base in a state of shock; she sets her navigation device and walks on auto-pilot. She is so distracted she trips a few times. It seems like a dream; it ceases to make any sense the moment she leaves him.

The horror, the unspeakable horror of it. How can it be? All this time, there was someone behind it all, behind Kylo’s near death on Zeenah, behind her own near death in a space cataclysm, behind their separation now. Where was he hiding? How did he know so much?

How powerful is he with the Force, anyway? He hasn’t shown her anything. He mentioned he had flown through the ring of debris, which Poe couldn’t cross, so he must have used the Force. But her own pilot also managed to fly through… although at that time the ring was only forming. And the ship got fatally damaged.

How did they install a tracker on her ship? Was there a traitor in the Chandrila residence? Who was it?

How did Snoke communicate with him? Was he another, secret apprentice to Snoke? Was Snoke planning on Arn-Seth’s confrontation with Kylo? Was he hesitating which one to choose?

She won’t think about what Arn-Seth told her with regard to the night at the temple. She doesn’t even want to go there. It’s a lie. A filthy, disgusting, sick lie of a creep who just wants to turn her against Kylo. It’s so cheap, and so predictable. It gives her nausea. He said he’d tell her more tomorrow… but never mind because she won’t believe anything this liar tells her.

And the cataclysm. What kind of madman destroys several worlds just to make a point? Just because he can?

Snoke did.

Hux did.

The same Hux that is her friend now. The same she kissed once. He destroyed Hosnia. Hux did the exact same thing as this man, from whom she has recoiled in horror. Billions, Arn-Seth said, _billions_ of deaths. Mara can’t breathe. She wouldn’t ever envisage being friends with him. And yet, she’s friends with Hux.

_“You're friends with criminals. And you sleep with a criminal.”_

That’s what Poe said, didn’t he?

Suddenly she stops in her tracks.

Everything Arn-Seth told her… his plans… it all meant at least one good thing. Kylo is alive, for now. Arn-Seth as good as confirmed that to her.

Several worlds got destroyed. Not the whole galaxy. He didn’t tell her when he was going to attack again, so perhaps she could somehow buy Kylo time? Kylo will quickly discover it was an attack. He will know that another, bigger one might be in the works. He might even suspect the first one was a distraction. In that case, he won’t set out to look for her. He’ll stay in his capital and defend it. And he will think Mara dead.

Because how could he think otherwise? When she came out of hyperspace close to Bothawui, the explosion had just taken place. Her ship got hit, and the tracker – not the one some traitor had put on it, but the New Order tracker – might have stopped working just at that moment. And then they jumped to lightspeed and left that system, disappearing from radars. The logical conclusion would be that she was dead. Pulverised in the explosion along with her ship.

She needs to get out of here. She needs to warn Kylo. This madman is after him, he wants his blood, and even Kylo cannot stop a superweapon. What if Arn-Seth fires it at Chandrila and simply blows the whole planet with Kylo on it to pieces?

She needs to tell Poe. They need to try to get off-world, debris and electric currents be damned.

But why would Poe help her? Why would he put himself in danger to help her get off-world just to warn Kylo Ren? Poe would probably help Arn-Seth…

No, he definitely wouldn’t help Arn-Seth, that’s a mean thought. And it’s not just about warning Kylo; they’re all in danger here, this maniac might well kill them all, and blow up the whole galaxy. But how is she even going to tell Poe about all this? What is she going to say: you were right, it is because of Kylo that the explosion happened, several planets got destroyed and billions died because Kylo’s past caught up with him. The Supreme Leader of the galaxy is a former criminal who has enemies, and these enemies won’t stop before they end him and tear the galaxy apart in the process.

You were right, Poe, we are trapped here because of Kylo. We might never be able to leave this world – because of Kylo. And now we’re all in danger, again because of him. His worst enemy is here. Can you please help me take him down?

Also, Arn-Seth warned her not to tell anyone. She could do it anyway and try to hide it from him. Kylo taught her how to protect her mind against Force-sensitives. But she just doesn’t know how powerful Arn-Seth is. He could perhaps breach her mind.

So no, she can’t tell the Resistance people. She can’t burden them with it and put them in danger. A Force-sensitive, just one, but with a lightsaber and unknown powers, against their blasters: no way to predict the result of that fight. Too much risk.

Mara stops; she can already see the base, the lights are on, only a few hundred metres to go, and she will be with people. And yet she has never felt more alone in her life. She has no Kylo, she has nobody, nobody who could help her. Nobody to protect her, either, from the evil that she left in the forest behind her, from his dark tendrils, from his pleasant smile, warm laughter and poisoned words, from his blue eyes watching her carefully, as if he was ready to lunge at her throat at any moment.

“ _I’ll tell you all about the girlfriend he raped and slaughtered that night at the temple._ ”

She runs. Towards the lights, towards the people, far away from that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this story is becoming darker, and it will be worse... but have faith please, and trust me. Also, there will be a nice/hot retrospection moment in the next chapter...


	7. Seduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara is trying to hold on to good memories as her mind is being slowly poisoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: discussion of rape (but nobody gets raped)
> 
> Also, explicit sexual content (consensual)

Mara wakes up when the light just starts to seep through the curtains. It’s too early to stir, but last night she went to bed early, so now sleep doesn’t come anymore. Heavy thoughts fall upon her mind like a black cloak. She buries her face in the pillow and breathes in the warmth, pretending it’s Kylo’s body.

She can easily go back in time and relive some of their moments together. It’s been three weeks since she crashed here, three weeks since she last saw him, and the longing becomes very physical. In her warm bed, in pleasant darkness, Mara slides her hand under her nightshirt. Her fingers feel nice on her touch-starved body as she strokes her chest, her belly, and her thighs, before her hand settles between them.

There was that day, a few months ago, when Kylo felt very tired after a long morning meeting. Each of the worlds that had joined his alliance had different problems, from the lack of natural resources to wasteful management, remoteness and isolation, merciless climate, or inefficient local government structure. There was a very fine line between ruling a world and helping it rule itself. Some worlds simply preferred a strong external government of the First-Order type, just without the First Order’s brutality. Kylo and Mara were learning a lot during those meetings, but on that day, after debating for three hours how to better manage the planet’s scarce water supply and improve the system of underground canals without destroying the unique topography, Kylo sat in his armchair in their apartments in a bad mood and with a headache.

Standing behind him, Mara wove her hands into his air and massaged his temples. He reclined his head back and closed his eyes.

“It’s over,” she murmured into his ear. “We’ve got an agreement. You can rest for a few hours. We just have another small meeting at the end of the afternoon.”

“I have all these messages and reports to read…”

“They can wait.”

She walked around the armchair to stand in front of him and leaned down to kiss him. Kylo pulled her onto his lap and they kissed for long minutes until she felt his breath quicken. He tightened his grip on her waist and rolled his hips against her.

“Tell me what you want,” she whispered as he nuzzled against her neck.

It always had a strong effect on him when she took the initiative. As they grew more familiar with each other, weeks and months into their relationships, it turned out that Kylo liked to talk in bed and reacted very strongly to her talking. She used it as an aphrodisiac: whenever she talked during sex, he became truly helpless with desire, and often just a few words from her managed to shatter his self-control completely.

“Well?” she insisted, sliding her hand into his trousers and caressing him through his underwear. He bucked against her hand.

“Your mouth,” he whispered.

“Do you want to get on the bed?”

“No. Let’s stay here.”

“You want me to get on the floor?”

“Yes.”

“So say it. I’ll only do what you ask me to. No more, no less.”

“I want you to get on the floor in front of the armchair,” Kylo muttered, his hands roaming hungrily over her body.

“And?”

“And take me in your mouth…”

She slid onto the floor between his legs, reached up and unbuttoned his shirt, trailing her fingers across his chest, then rose on her knees and started kissing down his torso. She opened his trousers and pulled at the waistband of his underwear to be able to plant kisses at the lower part of his belly. Kylo raised his hips so that she could pull his clothes down and take them off of him, leaving only the open shirt. She removed her own dress and bra and, kneeling between his legs only in her underwear, she moved her hands up his thighs, stroking them but avoiding his most sensitive places. He was already hard, and the anticipation was delicious as he looked down at her.

Mara liked to take her time with this. She enjoyed taking him in her mouth, his velvet skin on her tongue, the slightly salty taste of him, and the feeling of power she had when he moaned and twitched between her lips. So she teased him at first, giving him kisses all over his length and on the inside of his thighs. She caressed him with her lips, adding just a touch of the tongue, and when she stopped for a moment and looked up at him, he stroked her hair.

“You are a wonder,” he sighed.

She sucked his tip lightly and he hummed, running his fingers through her hair. As she worked on him, his hips rolled forward ever so slightly with every dip of her head. She took him deeper each time and when he finally hit the bottom of her throat, he groaned and Mara stilled, running her tongue on his underside lazily as they locked eyes.

She started moving her mouth up and down his length as he moaned and caressed her head and neck. When he began to tense up, his thighs trembling, Mara pulled away and looked up at him, snaking her arms around her waist. It felt so intimate, sitting on the floor between his spread legs, her face only centimetres from his erection, her hands rubbing circles on his hips.

“Do you want me to continue like this, Ben?”

“Only if you want to – ”

“Tell me what you want.”

“I want to come in your mouth,” he whispered, cupping her head in his hand and pulling her towards him ever so slightly so that her lips brushed against him. He took himself in hand and guided towards her mouth; she wet her lips as he rubbed his tip against them. She licked him, holding his gaze, and he moaned again. That was another thing that always made him lose control: when she sucked him while looking into his eyes.

She loved it when he was so explicit about what he wanted. It was such a simple game, yet so damn arousing, just to hear him say it. She reached into her underwear, and he leaned forward and followed the movement of her hand greedily with his eyes.

“Do you mind?” Mara asked, smiling.

“No,” Kylo murmured, his erection twitching impatiently in front of her face. He guided himself with his hand into her mouth again. “But don’t do too much. I want to make you come later.”

She licked him several times before she started sucking in earnest again, moaning as her fingers between her legs mirrored the rhythm of her mouth on him. Kylo’s one hand was still on her head, but now the little strokes he gave her were growing erratic. She sped up, both with her mouth and with her fingers. She wasn’t supposed to make herself come but it was too late. As he cried out and thrust into her mouth, burying himself as deep as she would take him, Mara slightly rose on her knees and let her own pleasure take her. He let go of her hair slowly, but she kept working her tongue and lips around him through the successive waves of his and her orgasm, humming with pleasure, until he shook and whimpered above her.

“I’m sorry,” Mara smiled, kissing him for the last time and looking up. “I was too excited…”

Kylo laughed and pulled her towards him. When she climbed onto his lap, he grabbed her and immediately parted her lips with his tongue. It aroused him to taste himself in her mouth, and she loved those kisses.

 “You give me so much pleasure…” he murmured, pulling her underwear down and sliding his hand between her folds.

“Oh, but the pleasure was all mine. I just like doing it to you.”

 “I recall telling you explicitly not to come,” he pushed two fingers inside of her and began pumping them in and out, kissing her repeatedly. “And you did anyway.”

“That’s right. What will my punishment be?”

“I will eat you out until you come again.”

“But what if I can’t come again so soon?”

“Who said anything about soon? It will last as long as it has to.”

“Oh, Kylo…”

“No ‘oh Kylo’ now, you’ll get what you deserve.”

He lifted her in his arms and stood up. Once he lay her on the bed, he tore her underwear and his own shirt off, and crawled between her legs. Mara propped herself up on her elbows as he slid his hands under her hips, placing her thighs on his shoulders to raise her to his mouth, and then dived down, burying his face in her core.

She liked it when he explored each centimeter of her with his tongue, sometimes flicking it against her, sometimes giving a long lick that made her shiver. He licked and sucked and blew cool air at her, all at an excruciatingly slow pace, and the heat pooled in her belly gradually, until she started clenching around nothing.

“Ben…”

“No. You’re just getting my tongue. It’s a punishment, remember?”

“Just one finger… please, Ben – ”

He laughed into her core and she shuddered from the low vibration of the sound. He then pressed his mouth into her again, eating her out, teasing her entrance with his tongue, just so she could squeeze her walls around it and miss it when he withdrew it.

It crept upon her almost unnoticed, her muscles tensing up suddenly, and he pressed his thumbs on the inside of her thighs, catching that muscle movement. All of a sudden she was coming, and screaming, because it was always like that: the slower was the buildup, the more violent the climax. When she was just at the edge of it, thrashing against his mouth, he pushed two fingers into her. She contracted her muscles immediately, and he just curled and uncurled his fingers inside of her, letting her ride them.

When it was over, he dragged himself above her, his face glistening with her slick. Mara reached out and wiped his mouth; he kissed her palm. But she still wanted him inside her, so she looked up at him pleadingly.

Kylo raised his eyebrow.

“Insatiable. I’m not sure I can make you come for the third time.”

“I just want to feel you inside.”

He loved hearing these things. He buried his face for a moment in her neck, kissing down to her collarbone, then rose above her again and flipped her over onto her stomach.

“You just love to take me from behind, don’t you?” Mara smirked, putting her hands under her chin and sprawling comfortably under him.

“That too. But also, I really like to kiss the back of your neck when I’m inside you.”

He reached for his pillow, raised her hips and slid it under her belly. It was even better for her at that angle and she liked it that he remembered. When he entered her, she was finally satisfied; she had missed this feeling of fullness. He pushed all the way in and stayed still for a moment, while she adjusted to him. As he began moving, with slow but deep strokes, always hitting that spot he could easily reach in this position, she loved it even if she couldn’t possibly come again so soon. Because it was never just about that; she loved coming under his hands or mouth, but when she felt needy like this, nothing could satisfy her until he was inside her. She wanted to be filled by him, and he was always happy to oblige.

Kylo was kissing the nape of her neck and Mara moaned into the bedsheets, his delicious weight over her body, every powerful thrust of his hips pushing her into the mattress. He took his time; his second time always took longer, just like hers. She enjoyed the unceasing, unrelenting strokes, continuous pleasure flooding her whole body as she let him fuck her slowly, until finally she felt his breath hitch and his hips roll against her frantically. She loved that moment when he was starting to come undone on top of her, throbbing with pleasure, growing even bigger inside her, until he grunted and came, pushing against her so strongly it hurt a little.

Mara threw her arms around her head and enjoyed every last second of it, the sounds he made, his body slapping against hers, the tickle of his hair on her neck, his knees pressing against the inside of her legs, and the feeling of his seed spilling out onto her thighs and under her.

“I love you,” Kylo groaned, still pressing against her walls, and it burnt deliciously. He stayed inside of her for a few minutes, covering her with his body, his face in her hair.

When he slid off of her slowly and lied down on her left side, Mara turned her face towards him. He was a delicious sight, all flustered and sweaty, his hair a mess. With his eyes closed, he put his heavy paw around her shoulders and neck possessively, crushing her. He always did that, too, and she loved it.

“Not so grumpy anymore after your meeting?” she teased.

“… What meeting?” Kylo muttered and kissed her nose.

* * *

Mara climaxes with the memory of their lovemaking. Her hand still between her legs, she strokes herself slowly and lazily, just like Kylo often does to her after she comes, to get her down from her high gently.

What she feels now is just a pale shadow of that. She wants to turn to the side and bury her face in his chest, feel his arms around her, feel the rumble in his throat when he whispers sweet words to her, kiss his collarbone as she melts into him. When they make love in the middle of the day, they often nod off for half an hour or so afterwards, because it feels so blissfully good to be warm and wrapped in each other’s arms. Two bodies that feel like one.

She moves her hand away and bursts out crying.

It’s not just that she misses him and has no idea whether and when he’ll find her. Until yesterday, that was all there was, and already that was painful enough, but now it’s a thousand times worse. The galaxy is in danger, Kylo is in danger, and she can’t do anything about it. The demon from his past is unhinged, he will take everything and everyone down in his quest for revenge.

And that demon has no reason to keep her alive. He might be preparing his next attack now and letting Kylo simmer for a while, but in the end, when he’s ready, he won’t just say goodbye to Mara and disappear. No, he will kill her and take her head to Kylo to drive him insane.

Unless Kylo finds her before that, she’s doomed. And who knows but Kylo might be doomed too. As Arn-Seth said, the weapons he used are not like any the New Order or anyone else knows.

She had feared from the very beginning it was an attack. She never fully believed in the comet or asteroid theory. But she wouldn’t have guessed she was a target.

Was she really? Arn-Seth’s first and foremost objective must have been to sow panic and chaos, and to trigger criticism of the New Order: what are they good for as a peacekeeping force if they can’t prevent an attack like that? If Kylo reacts quickly and sends his fleet to Bothan Space to rescue the survivors and manage the aftermath of the cataclysm, he will get some credit for it, but that will last only as long as people think it was a natural event. Once they discover it was an attack, they will start wondering why he had never seen it coming, with all his army and technology, and all his big talk. And once they find out this was a personal vendetta against Kylo, once they understand billions died because of some madman from Kylo’s past, Kylo’s reign might well be over. Sooner or later, someone will point out that if Kylo has so many enemies, he might be a problem for the galaxy rather than a solution.

And would these people be wrong? Would it be totally wrong to say that the cataclysm was Kylo’s fault?

She shakes her head. Where did this thought come from? It’s crazy to blame the madman’s act on Kylo. Why did she even think that? It was Arn-Seth who said that to her yesterday. He twisted the whole thing. Was he messing up with her mind? Was he trying to make her doubt Kylo?

For a second, she _did_ doubt him. For a second, she did wonder if the galaxy would not be better off without Kylo. Last year she tried so hard to convince potential allies to give Kylo a chance, while they thought he was a danger. Well, he isn’t a danger, not anymore, she was right about that, but things lurking in his past are dangerous. Billions of people dead, displaced, whole worlds annihilated, because of…

Because of Arn-Seth, of course!

And here she is. Alone on this planet with the murderer she can’t tell anyone about. She can’t stay away from him, either; he told her to come and see him again, which probably means he’ll come to the base and kill everyone if she doesn’t obey. There’s nobody she can ask for advice, confide in, get help from. She’s too weak to fight this and win. This is too big for her.

And then the accusation of rape…

She can hardly think about it. Somehow it’s worse than all the murders Kylo committed. Is it really? Would it be worse than all the rest if it turned out he had really raped someone? Is rape worse than burning a whole village on Jakku? Is it worse than patricide?

For her, it is. It is, because she is his woman, and if it turns out he has done that to another woman, she can’t… she could never get over it.

This thought is terrifying. The thought that Kylo might be a totally different person than she thought; that he might have been hiding something like that from her; that she might have to leave him because of it. It’s absolutely terrifying, it’s something she has never contemplated, never anticipated. She said herself that everyone deserved compassion and forgiveness… but does that mean forgiveness for everything? Or everything but that? Perhaps for that too, but showing compassion and offering forgiveness doesn’t mean she would continue to love a rapist.

So it’s fortunate it is just a lie. A lie told by a madman who hates Kylo.

Mara closes her eyes and for a second wishes her ship had been pulverized in the explosion, as was Arn-Seth’s plan.

* * *

In the afternoon she goes into the forest to look for him. She doesn’t get as far as the cottage. At one point during her walk, he just steps onto her path, appearing seemingly from nowhere, without a greeting, and starts walking by her side in silence.

They come to the edge of the forest and suddenly they’re on a green hill with gentle slopes, overlooking a valley. Mara hasn’t been here before. She’s quite sure she has already come as far as that in her walks, yet she hasn’t ever found this place.

Arn-Seth sits down on the grass, facing the valley, and pats the ground next to him, so Mara sits down as well.

“You came back.”

“Do I have a choice?” Mara shoots in way of a greeting.

“Oh, is this what you're telling yourself? That you have no choice? That it’s not your curiosity but me forcing you?”

“Aren’t you forcing me? Didn’t you make me understand how dangerous you were, even though you did it with a smile?”

“And you just believed me? Are you so gullible, or so easy to intimidate? Gullible, I guess. You fell for Kylo Ren’s lies, after all.”

“What lies?” Mara explodes. “What is it exactly that you’re talking about? And why do you think I will believe you rather than him?”

Arn-Seth leans towards her, and she yanks her body away from him, scared at the icy expression of his blue eyes.

“So don’t believe me. I won’t try to persuade you. I will just ask you some questions you should be asking yourself.”

“What are you, my psychotherapist?”

He laughs.

“I actually like you, you know. You are completely different from what I expected. Daring, furious, and with character. You know I can kill you, and yet you can’t stop yourself from giving me cocky replies.”

“You will kill me anyway when you’re bored with this game.”

“That might depend on how you play it.”

In the silence that follows, he inhales to start speaking, but Mara is fed up with this. She will set the agenda if she can.

“Why Bothan Space? Just because I was flying through it? It wasn’t my first time travelling alone. Were you not ready to attack before?”

“I’m from a world in Bothan Space.”

“Which one?”

“Never mind.”

“So what, you killed your own people in the attack?”

“The people I cared about were long dead.”

Mara shakes her head in dismay.

“There was another person I cared about at Skywalker’s temple,” Arn-Seth adds.

And so what, Mara feels like saying, because she wants to be as cruel as he is. But it’s not like her to say something like that, even to this man.

“You murdered a few billion people because Kylo Ren killed one person you liked.” she states instead. “Wouldn’t you say you overreacted?”

He snorts.

“At least I had a reason. And a personal reason. Your beloved murdered so many people just because Snoke told him to. And worse, too.”

“What, worse?” she hisses. She knows where this is going, and she is petrified but won’t let it show.

“Have you ever wondered, Mara,” Arn-Seth leans in even closer, and for a moment she thinks he will touch her, but he doesn’t, he’s just uncomfortably in her space, “whether he might have practiced… other kinds of abuse?”

“I know he tortured people. Reading their minds. Force-choking.”

“Anything else?”

“He burnt a village on Jakku.”

“Mass murder, then. During mass murders, other things happen. Like rape. It is a weapon of war, after all.”

“You’re making wild claims based solely on your wish to destroy him. You weren’t there!”

Arn-Seth laughs.

“I think you’ll find I never make wild claims. It stands to reason to ask yourself such questions, but you chose not to do it. What you don’t know can’t hurt you? Have you truly never wondered? Hasn’t it ever crossed your mind? But you conveniently decided not to press the point with him. And why would you? He was different with you.”

“You are talking about a man you don’t know.”

“On the contrary, it’s you who doesn’t know him. You’ve never seen him in one of his murderous rage moments, have you? I have. And once you see that, you start asking yourself other questions, too.”

“I have seen him Force-choke someone in anger, I have seen him fight, even kill – ”

“Have you seen him murder innocent people?”

Mara is silent. 

“So ask yourself this question, Mara. Is it possible that he murders, rages, tortures and destroys but somehow never commits _this one act_? Is it possible that he is immoral enough to kill defenseless people, to kill his own father without any reason, to brutally treat his subordinates, but somehow, miraculously, he behaves like a gentleman with the ladies?”

Mara glares at him in silence.

“Ask yourself this: this man can bend anyone and anything to his will. He can take whatever he wants, and you think _he has never taken that_?”

“Maybe he never wanted to take that?”

“He was Snoke’s attack dog. He did what Snoke told him to. And Snoke even told him to kill his own father, just to drag Ren deeper into the dark side. What would be a better way to do that than order him to rape someone?”

Mara’s heart beats very hard. He wouldn’t, would he? Would he? And he didn’t always do what Snoke ordered. In the end, he refused to kill that girl, Rey, and killed Snoke instead…

“Oh, you're thinking of the Jedi?” Arn-Seth laughs. She needs to remember to keep her mental walls up. “But he was in love with her. He wasn’t in love with any other random woman who Snoke might have encouraged him to brutalize.”

“He has given me no reason to suspect anything like that. And we talked about our pasts. He would have had to outright lie to me to hide this, and he wouldn’t do that.”

“Don’t be absurd. Everyone lies. He would be crazy to tell his woman about that. And why would he give you any reason to suspect it? You’re more than willing to give him what he wants without violence, aren’t you?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Ah, but it’s very much yours. You should ask him what happened to Rhasa.”

“Who’s that?”

“The woman I was in love with,” he says with a distinct glint of rage in his eyes. “Before we got together, she was for some time Ben Solo’s girlfriend at the temple. At least he thought so, because she didn’t like him all that much. Perhaps she was playing with him a little. She was young. We all were. And then, the night he burnt everything to the ground, he took what he wanted from her and then killed her. I found her dead in the forest, a few hundred metres away from our camp, in her nightshirt, without her underwear!”

“This is not true,” Mara shouts. “I talked to him about that night!”

“Oh, you did? So you knew about her?”

“I knew there was someone and that she died that night, but not by his hand.”

“And you didn’t wonder why he hadn’t protected her? Why he hadn’t claimed her as one of his followers, like the other Knights of Ren?”

“Perhaps she didn’t want to follow him!”

“Even if she didn’t, how did she end up dead? Wouldn’t it be natural to spare, if not to protect, a person he’d been involved with? Out of simple decency?”

Mara is silent again.

“This is how I think it happened,” he says forcefully, anger seeping into his unnaturally calm voice. “He raped her, to punish her for playing with him all this time, for choosing me, for his frustration, and then he killed her.”

Mara feels sick. She can almost see the scene playing in front of her eyes, she has a talent for visualising stories, and she does it before she can stop herself. The flames, the screams, the flashes of lightsabers in the dark, the chaos, this girl in her nightshirt running towards the forest… No, this is all his invention! This is not what really happened.

“I won’t listen to you. You won’t get to me like this. You twist everything, you say whatever you want…”

He laughs again and pats her shoulder amicably. She recoils from him but doesn’t let it show.

“How come it’s so easy to twist things between you and him?”

This can’t be. Kylo wouldn’t actually rape his ex-girlfriend for denying him, not even in mad rage. He was defending himself on that night. That’s what it was about. Fighting for his life.

But why didn’t Rhasa survive? And if she died by someone else’s hand, not by Kylo’s, then by whose? Which of the Knights killed her? They weren’t that numerous there and everyone knew everyone, so surely Kylo knows who killed that woman? Why didn’t he ever say who? Why didn’t he address that when he told Mara about that night?

Is he into killing women he used to love? This terrible thought appears in her mind so suddenly that Mara glances at Arn-Seth, suspecting him of pushing it somehow into her head. Kylo told her that on Crait he was so mad he wanted to “destroy” Rey. A few hours after offering her his heart and the galaxy! Just because she turned him down. How terrifying is that? Would he end Mara’s life too if she made him mad, if she rejected him?

And… how much does she really know about his past under Snoke?

She pushes back against all these thoughts. Not because she’s a coward and doesn’t want to face the truth, but because she _knows_ him.

“I know what kind of man Kylo Ren is, and I love that man. With everything that’s broken inside of him, and with all his scars. And he loves me back.”

“Precisely. He loves you back. This is all he can do.”

“What is it again that you mean?”

“Don’t you see that, Mara? He’d love anyone who pays him any interest. He’d got rejected and betrayed – for a reason – by everyone in his life. Brutalised by Snoke, almost deprived of his humanity, he _craved_ someone’s love. Anyone’s. It’s you now, it was this Jedi girl before, and he had only talked to her a few times before he offered her the galaxy and his hand. Like a dog, he goes after anyone who looks his way, begging for affection. You gave him that. He will be fiercely loyal to you – he has no other options, so few people even tolerate him. If he loves you, it has nothing to do with you, only with what he is and what he needs!”

“He’s the Supreme Leader. He could have tons of women from all over the galaxy!”

“Oh but it’s so much easier when one comes his way and does all the job for him. He doesn’t need to be so afraid he’ll get turned down or will disappoint.”

After a moment of silence, Arn-Seth adds cheerfully:

“What a pity you haven’t talked to the Jedi. Maybe she would have shared some enlightening advice.”

“I don’t need advice. I love him.”

“Why didn’t she want him in the end, even after he stopped the war?”

“Because she simply didn’t love him?”

“But why? She went to the _Supremacy_ to save him. Then he made her an offer she couldn’t accept because they were at war. But once the war was over, she still didn’t want him. Why? Did she see something in him that scared her? Did she understand he’d never be a better man? Or maybe she just didn’t want to be the substitute for all the affection he had lost in his life? Maybe she didn’t want to be the object of his needy, clingy, obsessive love?”

“I don’t find anything oppressive in his love for me. He’s made me happy, and I have made him happy in return.”

Arn-Seth snorts.

“Ask yourself how quickly he’ll find himself a new object of love now that he’s back to his hateful loneliness.”

“You know nothing – ”

“Maybe he will even crawl back to the Jedi? And who knows, maybe she has changed her mind again? It must be so difficult for him now, with nobody to hold him close at night, nobody to dispel all his self-doubt. Nobody to repeat to him that he’s not a monster, that he’s not irrelevant and unwanted! He’ll need it. He can’t function without it anymore. He can’t do his job properly without it. Just a few months of fruitless search, and he’ll say goodbye to you, and find love again. Or maybe he has abandoned the search already? Maybe he believes you died in the explosion? Who knows how soon your quarters will be taken by a new fair one?”

He laughs. No matter how well she knows he’s just trying to get to her, no matter how she tries to resist the poison, in the end this verbal sparring leaves her exhausted and hurt. Arn-Seth pokes and pokes, and he finds a way. And she hates it but it does awaken fears and doubts in her, and so many questions, so she is still here and keeps arguing, though she could have tried to stop this conversation and leave.

Arn-Seth knows a lot about Kylo and Rey. How? These stories must have leaked from the Resistance. The Resistance people Mara is staying with might think the same: that Kylo would love anyone, that he’s needy and crazy, that he’ll replace her with another woman soon. Poe did ask whether she was sure Kylo would even look for her. She’s between the devil and the blue sea, or rather, between Kylo’s two sworn enemies; she can’t run to any of them to cry her grief out. Rose and the other women seemed to understand her, but maybe they just wanted to be nice?

It’s also less easy to hate Arn-Seth now, since he spoke about Rhasa whom he had loved, and since he showed her his artificial arm. Yes, he has reasons to hate Kylo and to want to kill him. It’s terrible to admit but it’s true. Poe does, too. So many people do.

Can Mara find it in herself to always defend Kylo and believe in him? What if she starts to have doubts? She didn’t at first, not after what Poe said. But Arn-Seth has a different way of insinuating doubt. Some of the things he says ring true, some others are just manipulation, but she doesn’t know which are which. She’s confused. 

Kylo is not here and she can’t ask him about any of this. Perhaps she would just need to give him one look to remember the man she loves.

“You should love someone else, Mara,” Arn-Seth smiles, and his smile is almost pleasant. “You deserve a better man: cleverer, kinder, more stable, more charismatic. And less desperate for love. It would be less of a burden for you.”

“Someone like you, probably?” she shoots hatefully but regrets giving him the idea immediately as he leans towards her, a playful smirk on his lips.

“Why not?”

Still, he doesn’t touch her. At times, he seems so unthreatening that it’s difficult to remember this man is her mortal enemy. And this is probably his strategy. To make her lower her guard.

“What if I told you that you will never see Kylo Ren again? Would you spend the rest of your life pining for him?”

“I’d say there is no way you could know that.”

She’s won this point, but the end of the match is very far.

* * *

And it continues like that. She goes to visit him every few days. A bit too often to stay sane, but she doesn't dare do it less often, lest he should come to seek her at the base. She hides it from everyone. She works with the Resistance people in the mornings, she spends time with them, they become her friends, and nobody suspects anything. They just know she likes to have a few hours to herself once in a while. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nobody even asks if anything is the matter. And Mara doesn’t let it show. For a diplomat that she is, it’s easy. She needs to hide it because she’s ashamed, ashamed that Kylo’s past made something like that possible, ashamed that now she knows – and they don’t – that it was an attack, and they’re trapped on Krant because of it. They would hate her if they knew, they would blame Kylo, blame her, and they would be scared.

Arn-Seth tells her how Kylo was the strongest with the Force at Skywalker’s temple but the most unbalanced, throwing tantrums, always ready to lash out, scaring the other students. Some of these anecdotes are so embarrassing they make Mara cringe. But then she remembers Kylo was a lost and confused teenager, without the guidance of his parents, and Snoke was in his head from his early years. Arn-Seth tells her how Rhasa got tired of Kylo because he was too needy, too overbearing, and not a great lover. He laughs at Kylo’s physical appearance: ugly, clumsy, with ridiculously big ears until he discovered he could grow his hair to hide them. Mara hates to hear it, hates to hear the man she loves and desires to be so ridiculed. Actually, Luke’s attempt to kill Kylo, Arn-Seth says, just gave Kylo the pretext to finally take his revenge on everyone at the temple – for avoiding and mocking him, for always leaving him out, for treating him like a freak.

Then it’s time for stories from Kylo’s time as Snoke’s apprentice – the strange missions Snoke sent him on to retrieve unimportant artefacts, so as to give Kylo a sense of a higher, Force-related purpose, while in reality he was only a killing tool. Stories of brutal murders on subjugated worlds and intel missions in dark cantinas, with rape always lurking in the background.

She asks if he knows these stories from Snoke, and Arn-Seth confirms.

“A rabid cur, Snoke called him.”

“I thought Snoke called Hux that.”

“Oh yes,” Arn-Seth laughs. “Old Snoke despised both of them. The harder they got kicked, the more they loved their master. I know great stories about Hux, too.”

Then he starts suggesting Kylo has not been sharing everything with Mara since they got together. Maybe new weapons are being developed by the New Order without her knowledge? Maybe the situation on some worlds is not as rosy as it seems, the New Order’s methods not as enlightened, and Kylo knows it all, but doesn’t tell her? Kylo just uses her as his regime’s humane face, for public relations’ purposes. Kylo tries very hard to appear to her much more caring about what’s good and right than he really is. Arn-Seth asks about a high-ranking New Order officer who disappeared mysteriously during last year. Did he oppose Kylo a bit too much? Was he a bit too clever, too ambitious, was he planning a coup? Did Kylo get rid of him quietly and didn’t tell Mara? How many smaller fish have disappeared without her taking notice?

It's terrifying how plausible all Arn-Seth’s conspiracy theories sound. As time passes, Mara’s emotions change; she listens to what he says and it resonates inside of her. She gets angry for no apparent reason. Maybe for the last year Kylo was just different because he was in love? And later, with the height of passion gone, he’d show his true colours, and they would be what Arn-Seth paints them?

Then, when she returns to the base and cools down, she can’t believe she has been thinking those thoughts. Anger and anxiety dissipate. She loves Kylo. She believes him. She forgets about all the poison, because it is poison what Arn-Seth feeds her.

And then a few days later she goes and meets him again, and listens to his stories again, because when he starts speaking, she can’t resist, _she is curious_ , and the darkness builds up in her anew. And every time it takes longer to get back to normal after that. It takes longer and longer to calm dark emotions. But she puts the blame for it on the whole situation. It’s normal that she feels angrier and angrier, sadder and sadder, when days and weeks pass and there’s no prospect of leaving this place. She has nice people around her on the base but she can’t tell them her secret. So her time spent with them is more and more an act, and she needs to put more and more effort into appearing normal.

It’s all a temptation. This man is tempting her. But into what? There is an undercurrent of attraction, a sexual innuendo, though he doesn’t act on it – at least not for the time being. But mostly, he weaves this web of lies to tempt her into doubting. To test her. How strong is her love and her trust in Kylo Ren? How long will she defend him? How long before she gives up? How long before she lets Arn-Seth persuade her Kylo Ren is a monster?

Weeks pass and Mara is so tired. Tired of fighting the despair of her isolation here, far from Kylo, tired of fighting the dangerous madman and his dark temptations, tired of fighting the anger at Kylo that Arn-Seth ignites in her, tired of keeping a straight face in front of the Resistance.

Perhaps this is the point: to wear her out. How long before she forgets all the good things about Kylo and gives in to another vision of the future that Arn-Seth might be preparing for her?

* * *

Two months after their first encounter Arn-Seth leads Mara again to the edge of the forest overlooking the valley. There are many big boulders here, which, according to him, are the ruins of another Sith structure that used to exist on Krant. He never took Mara to the old Sith temple close to his cottage. She asked him to, but he refused.

He refuses many of her questions, too. They talked a lot about last year’s war between the New Order and the gangs, and he seemed to take pleasure in telling her in detail how he orchestrated their unity, provided some of the funds and most of the coordination, gradually made them understand that if they didn’t end Kylo Ren, Ren would end them, and made them the instrument of his own private revenge. Arn-Seth tells her about the army they built in secret bases in the Unknown Regions. He tells her his own existence and identity was known to very few people from the gangs – so few that even with all the interrogations Kylo ordered after Zeenah, the New Order found no trace of Arn-Seth.

He is proud of it. Proud and amused. But when she asks him how, from a fallen Jedi Padawan, he became so rich and influential that he was able to prepare such a major operation, he doesn’t tell her. When she asks him what he did in all the years between the destruction of the temple and the battle of Zeenah, and what his dealings with Snoke were exactly, he doesn’t tell her. The same when she wants to know where he comes from and what his life was before he joined Skywalker’s academy. And obviously, when she gets angry and tries to provoke him, asking where he hides his weapons and when he wants to strike again, he doesn’t tell her. Either there are some grim mysteries in his past he doesn’t want her to know about, or he wants to only talk about what’s related to Kylo. He shares nothing of his own story besides that.

So today, to distract her and deflect her questions, he’s brought her here and promised to show her something special.

He extends his hand and levitates the stones – small ones, but also the big boulders – one by one, until they’re all in the air.

Mara watches. The distraction works; she is always in awe when she sees people using the Force. If she could have one wish – besides getting off this planet and finding Kylo – it would be to be Force-sensitive.

“I can show you how to do this,” Arn-Seth smiles to her. Mara snorts.

“If I had any Force sensitivity, I’d know it by now.”

“The Force can be shared,” he replies, more seriously now, and extends his other hand – not the artificial right arm, but his left one – to her. “I will show you.”

Mara is taken by surprise. She has never heard of that.

“It can be done,” he insists. “What, Kylo Ren never told you? Just take my hand and let your mental walls down.”

“Forget it. I’m not letting you into my mind.”

He shrugs.

“It’s just to connect so that you can feel it. I won’t stay in your mind. Why would I?”

Mara’s silent, biting the inside of her cheek, hesitant. It’s a crazy idea to let him in; at the same time, maybe he could breach her mind anyway if he wanted to. He has already read her thoughts on a few occasions, when she wasn’t careful enough, but then he always retreated and didn’t push any further. Maybe he knows so much he needs no information from her, or maybe he doesn’t want to antagonize her completely. In any case, assuming what he says is true, if she lets him do it now, she can experience how it is to have the Force. It’s very difficult to resist.

He’s waiting calmly, at a respectful distance, with a slight, unthreatening smile on his face.

“Just this once,” Mara says quickly and extends her hand to him. “And don’t try any tricks.”

“You won’t regret it,” he says and intertwines his long, slender fingers with hers. His palm is warm and nothing terrible happens when she lets him touch her. It’s the first time they touch, and the first time someone has touched Mara for a long time. She shivers despite herself; he raises an eyebrow and smiles more widely.

“Let me show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will go to check on Kylo too soon, don't worry. We just need a bit of Mara-only time because she feels terribly alone, unsure what is happening to Kylo, and I thought it will help us as readers feel for her if we also lose the connection to Kylo for some time. It helps understand how difficult it is for her to resist all this poison when she's so isolated.
> 
> Also, in case you worry this is a story where they are separated from each other for the whole book and only meet again in the last chapter: NO. I will say no more but rest assured! And thanks so much for reading. Don't hesitate to drop me a line to tell me what you think!


	8. The ultimate temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara faces a deadly ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: non-consensual elements in this chapter

“You won’t regret it,” he said.

He was right. She doesn’t.

This, like everything else, is a temptation. The first one she has failed to resist. How did he know this was the one thing she had wanted all her life: to wield the Force?

It feels as wonderful as she thought it would. It is intoxicating. When she takes his hand, the landscape around them suddenly shifts, as if an old holo was infused with new colours and hi-tech effects to make it look and sound better. Her senses become sharper and a cacophony of external stimuli attacks her. It is scary but surely, in time, she would learn to organize and control it if only she could keep this skill. She would have power, at last.

She can hear the leaves move on the branches of trees. She can hear the hiss of a snake that hides in the grass twenty metres behind her. Or maybe she can just see it in her mind, she isn’t sure – she just knows the snake is there. The ground under her feet feels _alive_. The air – she can see it move, and when she stretches out her hand, it _coils up_ around it. Golden particles dancing in the wind. She wills them to move, and when she waves her hand to one side, they follow. It isn’t lifting rocks yet, but she can feel it, she can finally feel it, the energy between her and the things around, and she now understands what Kylo means when he describes to her how it feels to wield the Force.

“Feel it, touch it,” Arn-Seth says into her ear. “And then pull.”

And she pulls, like she has seen Kylo do hundreds of times. Was she envious then? She was admirative, she was in awe of his mysterious powers, and yes, she was envious. She wanted to be a superhero too. She wanted to master the energy of the universe. To learn to fight with it, and to do good things with it. She wouldn’t waste it.

For now, it is only a small stone that she lifts from the ground with the Force. It flows to her hand, too fast, and she drops it before it hits her. But when she extends her hand again, it rises and hovers a metre or so above the ground, and Mara can feel its phantom weight, both on her palm and below it. She feels oddly connected to it, as if it had strings –

“With this power, you could also lead the galaxy,” Arn-Seth whispers. “Why would you leave the galaxy to him?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Mara shifts uneasily. It breaks her concentration and the stone drops onto the ground again.

His whisper has tickled her neck, or maybe it’s the fault of her newly enhanced senses. He is too close, dangerously close, and she suspects he’s doing it on purpose. He knows it’s been more than two months that she has been tossing in her bedsheets alone, her daydreams – and night fantasies – of Kylo’s body against hers getting so strong that she almost longs to quench this thirst with someone else’s body, if only it could help –

No, she doesn’t. What? Where did this thought come from? She has never thought of it, not once. Arn-Seth is putting these thoughts in her mind. Just like he enabled her to use the Force. She let him into her mind, and now he can influence and manipulate her…

“If you strip Ren’s birthright and the Force, what is left?” Arn-Seth continues, still at an uncomfortably close range. “A moody, unstable and depressive man with anger management problems, bad with people, socially and sexually frustrated, knowledgeable about things totally useless to ruling the galaxy. A man unable to lead an army and plan a war – because as a leader you don’t get to just wave your lightsaber, you actually need a strategy. He has no interest in that. Without the Force and his birthright, nobody would listen to him because he has nothing to say. He usurped his title – he didn’t earn it. And as to his government, any average technocrat could have achieved what he has.”

“Nonsense. For the first time, the galaxy is free from slavery and organised crime. For the first time, the worlds are cooperating on such a large scale, and peacefully!”

She moves one step away but he steps forward and looms over her again.

“The galaxy is free from organised crime because Ren’s subordinates planned a series of strikes against gangs when he was lying in a bacta tank after doing what he enjoys best: waving his lightsaber in a battle. And the worlds are cooperating because his advisers and allies are running the whole show. It’s not his personal negotiation skills and social charisma that did this. It’s you who made it happen! You made him the man he is, and he knows it. He called you to stand by his side when he addressed the galaxy after the battle of Zeenah. That was a nice gesture, wasn’t it?”

“I didn’t expect it. But yes, it was nice.”

“Only that it should have been the other way round. You should have been addressing the galaxy as a true political leader. You and his general who had led the army and had won that war. And Kylo Ren? He could serve as your bloodhound, just like he did under Snoke. Snoke didn’t ask him for political advice, did he? He used Ren for mysterious Force missions and for killing. Because this is what Kylo Ren is good at. The other things are done by people around him, while he takes all the credit and the glory. And keeps all the power!”

 “To be a galactic leader, you need much more than my political skill or Hux’s military prowess…”

“But Ren hasn’t got _much_ more. He only has one skill that a piece of modern technology can do away with: just put Force cuffs on him and he’s finished. And sooner or later, someone will put those cuffs on him because it can’t last forever, this empire of a guy who is nothing more than big, strong, and good at fighting.”

“He’s not just any Force user. If that was enough, any of his Knights could lead the galaxy. He masters the Force to the extent he was able to unite the galaxy around him. And yes, he has people to help him. What’s so strange about that? Leading the galaxy is not a job for one person.”

“I wonder if Hux is of the same opinion?”

“Things have changed between them, too. I do feel Hux is happy now as Kylo’s second-in-command.”

“Oh, things have changed? So they used to be the way I said, didn’t they?” Arn-Seth comments with a vile smile.

He doesn’t understand. He may tempt her with the Force, with how fantastic it feels to have it, and he’s right, she can’t resist it. But leading the galaxy has never been a remote possibility. It has never been her ambition. Mara knows her role. There can be no other leader in a room when Kylo Ren enters it, because Kylo is larger than life – in combat, in posture, in the authority that surrounds him, and in emotion. In the torment of strong passion that swirls around him, he is the focal centre of power. A vortex of intensity.

Arn-Seth behind her sighs and moves away. She can feel his disappointment; it’s the first time he has allowed himself to show any frustration. For a moment she regrets having been so honest. What if he gets discouraged and bored with this little game, decides to leave Krant and launch a second attack?

“Ren won’t live for ever,” he remarks drily. “Once he’s gone, someone else will take his place. Contrary to what you think, he is not irreplaceable.”

Mara is silent, not wanting to provoke him any further.

“Will you show me something else?” She tries to change the subject and pacify him. It seems to be working. Arn-Seth is now visibly sullen – jealous? – but he smiles.

“Not today, Princess. We will go slowly.”

She leaves him soon afterwards and loses the unique sensation of the Force in her mind and body as soon as he disappears from her sight. Everything immediately seems grey and dull. She could easily become addicted to the Force enhancing her senses. In the evening, on the base, she tries practicing the skill Arn-Seth taught her: lifting something small with her mind. It doesn’t work. Any object she tries to levitate, doesn’t even move. She doesn’t feel the connection to it anymore, like she did earlier in the forest. She can’t sense the energy surrounding her.

So, visibly, this can only work when she’s close to Arn-Seth. But how? If such sharing of the Force was possible, Kylo would have shown her that already, wouldn’t he? So what is it? Did Arn-Seth do something to her mind when she let him in?

She knows if he offers it again, she will have difficulties saying no. That could be dangerous. He found a new way to keep her interest. In a way, he is right: she keeps going there because she is curious. What else? What next?

* * *

When she comes to the cottage four days later, nobody’s there. Mara lingers on the forest clearing, uncertain what to do. This happens for the first time; he was always in when she visited, or he met her on the way.

She almost decides to go back to the base and perhaps try again the next day but all of a sudden there is a sound of steps behind her, so she turns around.

Kylo emerges from among the trees and steps onto the clearing.

Mara forgets how to breathe. She freezes. A thousand questions attack her brain, but all this can wait, it’s not important, it’s –

She runs to him, and he smiles and opens his arms.

He looks so beautiful. She has forgotten. Dressed in black, his cloak around his shoulders, his raven mane around his face, and these eyes, full of longing, but smiling. Oh how she has missed him. How she has missed this. Is he really here? Or is he projecting himself across the galaxy?

She has no time to ask because she crashes into his arms, he lifts her from the ground and she wraps her arms around his neck, tangles her fingers in his hair, then attacks his mouth – you can’t call it otherwise – furiously. She wants him. She will have him, here, now, on the grass, she needs to feel him to believe he’s real –

“Kylo, Kylo…” she sobs.

He hums in response and she melts into his mouth.

 – But something is different. Their tongues caress each other and it’s a wonderful kiss, but – different…

She pulls away to look at his face and he puts her back on the ground.

“You’ve found me! How? Did you fly through the debris? Have you just arrived?”

“Yes,” he murmurs, still smiling, his arms cradling her.

– But this is strange…

“Are you going to take me away from here? Are we leaving soon?”

“Whenever you want.”

Why isn’t he asking any questions? Why is he so… content? Shouldn’t he rather be moved, affected, shouldn’t he cry, or… show some more powerful emotion –

She doesn’t want to think like this. She drinks him in, the features that are sculpted in her memory, the softness and thickness of his hair, the tips of his ears sticking out when she combs his hair back… his tall, strong body, his broad shoulders, the intoxicating warmth of him…

She stands on tiptoes and once again wraps her arms around him, and nuzzles his neck. She looks for this place behind his ear where he likes so much to be kissed –

 – But he smells different…

And this, she can’t ignore. Behavior can be unpredictable; nobody is an open book, and she’s known him only for a year and a few months. The kiss… maybe she remembers it differently. And there are different kisses. Everyone can kiss in a hundred different ways. But the smell, no. You can’t cheat with the smell. Not when you know someone so intimately that his smell is impregnated in your brain like your own. Nobody recognizes their own smell, but they’d recognize immediately if their clothes smelled of someone else.

Kylo has a smell Mara knows though she wouldn’t be able to describe it. Yes, there is his perfume in it, it's a subtle scent his clothes carry, but there’s more than that. For Mara, it’s the smell of a man. At night, she liked to curl behind his back and smell his hair, his neck. The rare times when he was away, she slept with his undershirt. His pillow smelled of him too… Mara is sensitive to smells. She can usually identify and recognize more smells than anyone else.

And this is not Kylo’s smell.

Mara holds on to him and lets him hold her but she is growing cold. It’s not because she feels repelled; no, the hunger that he has woken up in her isn’t calmed so easily and quickly. Her body is throbbing with her longing for him. But there is some sinister magic at work here. Someone is playing with her mind. Who? It’s not difficult to guess. She can feel hairs stand up on her arms. What is this? How is he doing it? What does he want?

And yet, she doesn’t say anything. For it is possible to pretend, more so than when she’s alone in her bed, and more so than it would be with another man. Here, with her hands entangled in Kylo’s dark strands, her body arching in his embrace, couldn’t she just put suspicions aside and give in to him? It could be like a roleplay. But easier, because he looks like Kylo. She imagines for a second taking his clothes off, she imagines him on top of her, propped up on his elbows, while she runs her hands down his chest, ogling him, drawing her nails along his back as he pushes into her, and her body opens up to him and sings. She can imagine his movements, the sheer strength of his body and his embrace, the force with which he pushes her hips into the ground. His lips on her neck, breasts, mouth. His dark hair hanging around his face. The same thing she imagined last night before falling asleep and on so many previous nights, lying in the darkness of her room and touching herself – and yet the hunger never gets satisfied – the same thing, just real. Feeling him above her. Feeling him inside her. Just this once, and then she will have the strength to wait for the real him again –

No. This is wrong.

She drops her arms, slips out of his embrace and steps away.

He looks hurt and surprised. He looks like Kylo would if she did that to him. He starts to behave like Kylo – he must be taking it from her head. He must have taken it when she let him in to show her the Force. He adapts his behavior. His kisses will soon feel the same as Kylo’s.

But the smell. He can’t do anything about the smell.

“You’re not real,” Mara says, and the pain she feels once the illusion shatters leaves her breathless. Oh, why couldn’t she pretend? Just this once? Just for one hour of passion?

“What are you saying, Mara?” Kylo frowns and extends his arms to her. Mara steps away again.

“I know you're not him. You don’t smell like him.”

There is no smile anymore. Kylo takes a step towards her.

“Don’t come near me,” she says, in sudden panic. She knows who this is. She hasn’t been afraid so far, but now she is.

“Enough of this,” Kylo barks and grabs her by the collar of her jacket with one hand, while his second arm wraps around her waist. He lifts her from the ground and carries her towards the cottage, as if she was a bag of potatoes.

Mara thrashes and screams but his arms are as strong as Kylo’s and she knows she cannot win. If Kylo ever wanted to hurt her, if he wanted to take her against her will, there would be nothing she could do to stop him. She knows that but she is fighting anyway, out of pure rage.

He throws her on the floor in the cottage and closes the door behind him. Mara scrambles to her feet and tries to get past him to escape but he blocks the exit.

It is a most terrifying illusion. He looks like Kylo. It’s difficult to remember he isn’t Kylo. It’s Kylo enraged against her. Which is new, and scary.

He lurches forward, grabs her by the throat and pins her to the wall. Mara thrashes again but he squeezes and she is fighting for breath.

Is this how she’s going to die?

He pins the lower part of her body to the wall, shoving his knee between her legs. His right hand at her throat, he reaches with his left under her dress, wrenches her thighs apart and settles against her core. She can feel the heat of his palm.

It’s Kylo, it's not Kylo. It’s Kylo’s face. Kylo’s hands on her body. Kylo’s snarl on his lips. And yes, there have been times, many times, when she and Kylo made love in a rather rough way. Not like this, not with him choking her, not with fear or pain, but not gently. She likes to be taken. He likes to take her. The memories of that come back to her suddenly, uninvited, and she’s terribly confused. But it’s different now. She doesn’t want this and the man here is not Kylo though she needs to constantly remind herself of it. He’s a real danger.

“I know you want it,” he whispers into her ear, while squeezing her throat a bit harder. Dark spots start to swirl at the edges of her vision but she’s still acutely aware of all sensations. He strokes her slowly through her underwear and each of his touches burns her. Is this her body betraying her? Or is he messing with her mind? In any case she has no strength to fight and scream any more.

“You can have it,” he slides his hand inside her panties. He parts her folds and presses his fingers against her core, rubbing her slightly. Mara tries to jerk her hips away, squeeze her legs together, but he only laughs.

“You’re wet.”

She is. She thought it was Kylo, and her body awoke when she was kissing him out there on the clearing. But now, she’s ashamed, she’s mortified, because his fingers slide against her so easily, as if she liked this, as if she wanted him…

He keeps stroking her slowly, and Mara is crying noiselessly. If only Kylo knew. Why isn’t he coming for her? Why isn’t he helping her? Here is a man who is going to rape her, looking like Kylo, and what is Kylo doing?

“You can have all this,” Arn-Seth says, brushing his thumb over her sensitive spot, back and forth, with Kylo’s voice. “I know you want it. I know how you want it. I can fuck you any way he has, and any other way you want. I can look like him, if this turns you on. I can talk like him. You won’t see the difference anymore. You see, I can continue doing what I’m doing now, and you might tell yourself you hate it, but I would make you come in the end. Yes, I would. You might know it’s not real but your rational mind won’t resist for much longer. So if I bend you over this table and fuck you right now, you know that some part of you will enjoy it.”

“Let me go,” Mara whispers, because she has barely any air left in her lungs. She tries to breathe in but it’s not just his hand around her throat, her chest also feels constricted now. He’s choking her with the Force.

He slides his fingers across the whole length of her folds again and she’s so slick _she can hear it_. It’s disgusting. She’s disgusting. He brings the wet, glistening finger to her eyes.

“See?” he smiles. “Is it for him that you're so wet? Are you sure?”

He wipes his finger over her lips slowly.

“Get used to this. So many women must have seen your lover like this when he was taking them against their will.”

“It’s a… lie. You’re… a liar...”

“Oh, in any case,” he says, “I’m not a rapist. Though it would hardly count as rape, given how soaked you are. But take a bit more time. I understand. Come back within three days and tell me what you’ve decided. You can get off-world with me or you can stay here forever, and I’ll go alone and kill him anyway. You want to save him? So come with me, and you’ll never go near him again. Don’t think he can defend himself against me. I have a weapon that will destroy him and take a whole system out, and he’ll never even see it coming. It’s in your hands.”

He releases her and Mara almost slumps to the floor; she stumbles but manages to move away from him, wheezing, her face red with tears and pain.

“You’re sick,” she pants. She’s so terribly confused. When she glances at him, her first reflex is to run to him, her body opening up, and then when she remembers who he really is, what he’s just done to her, disgust and fury take hold of her and she wants to kill him. But she can’t, she can’t hurt anyone who looks like Kylo, even if she had a chance.

“Three days,” he says and the air around him starts moving like the air in the desert, the masses of heat shifting. The image flickers; sometimes it’s Kylo, sometimes Arn-Seth, with a smirk on his face. “And then come to let me know your decision. If you try anything, if you tell anyone, you know what will happen to your friends on the base. And don’t think you can keep a secret from me. You can’t.”

His voice changes too – once he speaks with Kylo’s voice, then with his own, then he shifts again and again. Is his own voice really his own? What does he really look like? Maybe he maintains a perfect illusion for her every time they meet?

“How are you doing this? How can you look like him?!”

“I’ll show you,” Arn-Seth smiles. “I can look whatever you want me to. And I will show you how I can give you whatever you want.”

“What is it that _you_ want, in the end?” Mara shouts. “You want me to believe that if I leave with you, you’ll leave Kylo alone? Why would you? Why am I so precious to you?”

“It might just hurt him more if I keep what’s so precious to _him_ for myself,” he says, coming closer, and she retreats in panic to increase the distance between them. “For my private enjoyment. It’s your choice, Princess Mara. You can keep everyone safe, leave this planet with me and stay away from him forever, or you can give him and a few more billions a quick death, and spend the rest of your life here. These are the options. Three days.”

She stands there for a moment, though she’s free now and she could run. He’s not stopping her anymore. She feels it shouldn't end like this. But she can’t do anything, can’t think of anything else to say. In the end, she turns around and runs. She doesn’t stop all the way back to the base, doesn’t look back, and once she’s in the building, she hides in her room and locks the door.

She takes a shower to wash his touch off her skin, and get rid of the humiliating wetness between her legs. She tries to banish the memory of his fingers, the memory of herself standing there helpless while he was groping her.

Every woman knows something like that can happen to her one day, if not much worse. None knows in advance how she will feel. Mara thought she’d be traumatized. Instead, she feels terribly angry. So angry she’s shaking. And also, ashamed of taking part in it, and stunned at the illusion he was able to create. Above all, she knows there’s no time to process her trauma.

She has three days to decide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting terrible for Mara. So, where is Kylo? Next time, we'll go to see him.


	9. The tendrils of madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kylo almost gives in to despair

“I know you’ve done everything that is humanely possible, son,” Listellion says calmly.

This is the first time Mara’s father calls Kylo son. So far, the king of Neelia has been polite and friendly with his daughter’s partner, but rather formal, addressing Kylo as lord Ren or even Supreme Leader. Last time someone called Kylo son, Kylo killed him. The memory of that act is the most terrible of all the terrible memories of his life. He didn’t think anyone would ever call him that again. And now that someone does, Kylo can’t decide whether it’s pleasant or painful.

“When Mara told me one year ago that you were together –” Listellion hesitates, looking at him.

“You weren’t happy. I can imagine.”

“I was _concerned_. That you might not be good for the galaxy and for Mara. To tell you the truth, the reception in your honour on Neelia was all Mara’s doing. I wasn’t convinced.”

Kylo nods. He guessed that much.

“But I was wrong, and she was right. On both accounts. The galaxy has been a better place since you took power, and my daughter has been happy. I know she has.”

“I was going to ask her to marry me.”

Listellion remains silent and suddenly looks very old and tired, his face creased in sadness, deep shadows under his eyes. For a moment, Kylo forgets his own pain and feels for Mara’s father, who lost one daughter when she was just a little girl, and now has lost the other one.

“I would have loved to know her engaged,” the king replies finally. “I would have loved to be at your wedding.”

“You say that as if you gave up on her. You don’t believe anymore she’s alive?”

“I’m not sure. Her mother is adamant that Mara is alive. But you can’t trust this kind of feeling. It’s more wishful thinking that anything else. Would I give anything, including my life, to know she’s alive and safe? Yes. Do I actually think she’s alive, after all this time and all your search?”

He stares into space for a moment.

“I want it to be the case. But deep inside me, I don’t believe it. Not anymore.”

“So I killed her,” Kylo says, his throat dry. He feels sick. “If she had never met me, she would be alive and well today.”

So it’s all true. He destroys everything, even – or especially – the things and people he cares about.

Listellion shrugs.

“This is nonsense, son. You’re torturing yourself for nothing. I could say her mother and I killed her because she was on her way to visit us when it happened. It makes no sense whatsoever to think that way.”

“I will keep trying,” Kylo promises. “I won’t ever give up. My probes are combing through the area, both in space and planet-side. I am talking to virtually everyone in the galaxy who might know anything. There are bounty hunters looking for her all over the place. We must find a trace in the end.”

Listellion nods slowly. Neither of them looks completely convinced.

* * *

After lunch, the king leaves. In the last three months, Neelia’s flagship and most of its fleet have been staying close to the _Stardust_. The king and queen have been visiting Kylo every week or so since Mara’s disappearance. These aren’t cheerful visits. At the beginning it felt weird. Kylo had never spoken to them alone before – Mara always used to be around. But by now, they have found a way to be together that feels comfortable and natural. He wouldn’t perhaps go as far as to call their relationship tender, but it’s a relationship. They’re family now.

Kylo moves to his audience chamber which used to be Snoke’s throne room, sits in a chair and stares at the viewport. Today is really difficult. He can’t make himself get down to work. He can’t read or meditate. He feels as if all oxygen left his body, he cannot breathe, and yet he is still alive.

And it’s been like this for almost three standard months.

Well, it wasn’t like this at the beginning. Then he was an action hero, raging and busy, making things happen; sending probes out, running his fleet and leading the crisis operations, talking to his allies, ordering his intel services around, discussing strategies with his commanders. They reached several other explosion sites in different systems in Bothan Space. The total count of victims is lower than that of the Hosnian cataclysm, but it’s still several billion. Nevertheless, they managed to save many lives on worlds which were in danger from travelling debris. They are resettling survivors. In parallel, they have been re-establishing communications and rebuilding hyperspace lanes. It’s very slow and tedious work. And the area is enormous. All the ships of the New Order, plus all the ships of their allies, from Bothan Space and beyond, aren’t enough.

Now that they have dealt with emergencies and have started the reconstruction, they are also trying to reach the worlds surrounded by rings of debris, which by now have stabilized a bit and don’t seem to pose a threat to the inhabitants – except that nobody can get in or out and communications don’t work, so nobody really knows what’s happening there. It’s not easy to get through the rings, either; it requires special ships and equipment, and it’s dangerous, but it must be done. It will take a few more months, or even a year, before each of those worlds is reached.

They still know next to nothing on the attacker. Not even with all the intel at their disposal have they been able to trace him. From countless analyses of samples of debris and destroyed ships, they have a very vague idea of the type of weapons used. These are weapons unknown to the New Order and its allies. No megacorporation produces or has the capacity to produce anything similar – and Kylo has interrogated personally all the CEOs, some of them in a rather brutal manner because it turned out they were hiding other shady deals.

There has been no second attack, and no one has claimed the first one, either. Complete radio silence. After a month or so, they decided to reveal to the public that it was an attack. Kylo felt the New Order needed to be honest, what with an implicit danger of another cataclysm hanging over the galaxy. Naturally, the revelation met with public dismay and outcry. An attack that the New Order, with its huge fleet and its extensive network of intel services, was not able to prevent? All those taxes paid by so many worlds – some of them non-existent now! – in exchange for the New Order’s protection, and as a result, several billion dead?

But Kylo’s powerful Council allies, including Teran Wynad on Chandrila, have not let him down: they have all expressed their support publicly, which helped contain the discontent. Voices that rose to contest Kylo’s leadership were quickly silenced when it became clear that nobody else had any information about the attacker or any ready-made solution to prevent another one. Media became obsessed with military discussions and grim fantasies about superweapons. Scaling down the New Order’s army and reducing its defense expenses, which some people have been calling for since the Alliance came into being one year earlier, was not an option anymore. On the contrary; as the rescue, relief and rebuilding efforts are costing a fortune, new funds have had to be found. So even more money flows to the New Order, making it more powerful, and triggering even more controversy and discussion, and honestly there’s nothing to be done about any of it.

No trace of Mara. No trace.

After three months, Kylo can barely find the energy to go through the motions. He has difficulties keeping up the devotion to his job and the interest in the fate of the galaxy. If Mara’s not in it, the galaxy can explode tomorrow, burying him in its rubble. Hux is practically running the New Order. But the New Order is not just an army and a fleet, and Hux is not a political leader. He’s definitely not the leader their allies want to see in the driving seat. There is still too much distrust and resentment towards him. Nevertheless, Kylo has made him Grand Marshal. If Hux is to take tiresome duties off Kylo’s hands, he needs a title for it.

But Hux looks poorly recently. He has too much to do. It’s not a job for one man, as Mara said a long time ago. Sansena and Djawan are flying around, inspecting military bases with New Order generals, while M’biren often has to leave the _Stardust_ to supervise new secret defense projects on Xeria. Only Tw’oorah stays on the _Stardust_ permanently, and yes, he is of great help, but it’s not like Hux and Tw’oorah are the best team in the world. When Kylo is in the equation, everything runs smoothly. But take Kylo out and it’s not really a team anymore. Also, you can’t really entrust a Sith with running a galaxy. Kylo often finds he can tell Tw’oorah more than any other Knight; somehow Tw’oorah understands better than anyone the twists and aches of the heart, and the imperfections of the soul. Kylo loves Tw’oorah as he would love a brother, but it’s not a brother he would leave his empire to. So Kylo summons M’biren, and then it’s fine, because M’biren’s authority works on both Hux and Tw’oorah, but M’biren can’t be coming all the time. They need to be able to prevent another attack at all costs; M’biren has all the best scientific and technological brains of the galaxy working on it in Xeria labs.

Mara’s balanced counsel and her unique perspective – not the military and not the Force one – are sorely missing.

And living on a starship doesn’t agree with Kylo so well anymore. For a year, he breathed real air on Chandrila, he saw real light, enjoyed real landscapes. His pale complexion acquired a healthy tan. He looked better than ever. He misses that now, and he misses their Chandrila home but he can’t go back there until he finds Mara. He can’t face the empty rooms, can’t sleep alone in their big bed, open the wardrobe and see her dresses, and feel her absence so physically.

He hides his head in his hands, and that’s how Hux finds him when he enters the audience chamber.

* * *

Hux sighs. It’s not like he doesn’t appreciate how dramatic the situation is. But the tragic attitude of the Supreme Leader starts to be tiresome. The work won’t get done by itself, and not just the work of ruling the galaxy and managing the crisis. Mara needs to be found. They need to keep trying, and not to get into this state of – numbness, this is the best he can come up with to describe Ren’s dejected expression. It’s not sadness, not rage, and not madness – little did Hux suspect he’d ever miss Ren’s tantrums, and now it would actually be more reassuring than this. Ren simply looks as if he was slowly heading for the grave. If he wasn’t such a young and physically strong man, Hux would actually expect him to die of a broken heart. That’s what it looks like. It is unsettling.

But as it stands, Ren is too fit to die, no matter how much his heart is broken.

“Hello there,” Hux speaks. “Can I show you some reports? Or is it not a good moment?”

“It’s her birthday today,” Ren replies.

Hux sits in a chair by his side and they both remain silent for a long moment, looking ahead at the stars slowly passing by the viewport.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” the Supreme Leader says in a broken voice. Hux exhales impatiently. They’ve had this conversation already, haven’t they? But it’s her birthday. It’s normal that Ren is in this mood again.

“We need to keep looking. There’s no other way.”

“Where? Nothing seems to lead anywhere.”

“What do you mean, nothing? One thing we established for sure is that her ship is not drifting anywhere in space. We combed the area through and through. It’s infested with our probes. There is no way, I’m telling you, that we wouldn’t have found her if she was adrift.”

 – _Because they did find quite a few ships adrift. Ships that got damaged in one of the explosions or thrown out of a hyperspace lane in the middle of nowhere, and ran out of fuel. People slumped over the seats in the cockpit, or on their bunk beds, looking peaceful as if they had just fallen asleep, but then the desperate messages found in the memory of their malfunctioning comms systems, the oxygen is running out, someone help –_

_– Or worse still, those whose water had run out long before the oxygen did –_

“So she’s not adrift,” Ren says. “Still, there is no trace of her.”

“For me, this is a relief. I couldn’t imagine a more terrible outcome than to learn she suffocated slowly somewhere in deep space, or starved to death. So we know it didn’t happen.”

“Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? How big is that area?”

“I’m ninety-five percent sure. We would have found her by now.”

Ren is silent.

“I don’t believe her ship was pulverised in the explosion, either. Thousands of our probes have been taking samples of debris 24 hours a day, for almost three months, at all explosion sites. They haven’t found any trace of particles from that ship.”

“Well, maybe we will find them eventually, in one year or so,” Ren remarks despondently. “Once again, it’s a big area.”

“Or we can’t find anything because her ship wasn’t destroyed, it just got damaged and landed somewhere.”

“Where? Someone would have already contacted us, whether she was dead or alive.”

“Unless that someone doesn’t have communication means, or their comms aren’t working. It’s a common problem these days in Bothan Space, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Or perhaps she crashed on a planet not inhabited by sentient beings. She may be injured – or already dead – and alone. She may have suffocated or frozen, or burnt, if the planet had no conditions to support life. She may have starved if there was nothing to eat or drink. She may have been killed by wild animals…”

“Or she may have survived, alone or with someone’s help. And she’s waiting for us to find her.”

“We’ve gone to plenty of worlds. We’ve found nothing.”

“We’ve gone to plenty but not all. Not even close. We need to keep trying. She might be somewhere out there, on one of them.”

“There are one hundred and fifty systems in Bothan Space, Hux. You know very well one lifetime is not enough to go through all these worlds. Maybe I’ll find her when I’m eighty.”

“So keep looking. Every second you’re sitting here is a waste.”

“Do you actually believe she’s alive? Because nobody seems to believe that anymore.”

“Ren,” Hux says impatiently, “You’re not asking the right questions. _It doesn’t fucking matter what I or anyone else believes_. It doesn’t even matter what _you_ believe unless you can feel her by a mysterious Force connection, which you can’t, because she is not Force-sensitive. You may well believe she’s dead, yet she might be alive and will die only if you give up looking for her because of whatever idiotic beliefs. Do you understand? Rather than walking around like a moron asking people what they believe, use all your energy, intelligence and resources to look for her. Stop fucking wasting time on believing this or that!”

Hux actually accompanies the last sentence by kicking one of the chairs across the room so forcefully that it shatters against the wall. Ren stares at him, dumbfounded.

“Have you just irrationally destroyed something because you are angry?” he asks blankly. “Like, you know, a moody child?”

Hux sends him a deadly look.

“One year ago I would have Force-choked you for half of what you’ve just said,” Ren adds wistfully.

“Do it. Do it and Mara will hear about it first thing when she’s back, and she will kick your sorry ass out of her life, as she said she would if you misbehaved.”

“I can’t believe you’re so pathetic as to hide behind my girlfriend’s skirt. I could throw you out of the airlock and tell her you disappeared on a mission...”

Hux shrugs.

“You’d have to move your ass from this chair first. Also, go shave and have a haircut because frankly, you look appalling. She will dump you if she sees you like this. She doesn’t like facial hair.”

“Even her father doesn't believe she’s alive,” Ren remembers angrily.

“Oh Maker,” Hux mocks. “Now that obviously changes everything! If her own omniscient father doesn’t believe she’s alive, let’s just stop looking for her right now. A father, of all people, can’t be wrong, can he?”

Ren looks up at him and doesn’t say anything. But on his face, there is a shade of – maybe not a smile, but the faintest twitch of a lip.

“I’ll send you Tw’oorah,” Hux says. He didn’t know it was Mara’s birthday today. He needs a moment, too. He is holding up much better than Ren, obviously, but from time to time bitterness and despair similar to Ren’s take him.

 – _Especially late at night, when he’s dead tired, but there’s always another report to look at, another message to reply to, and all this knowing that the bloody lunatic who did it can strike again at any time, and Mara has disappeared into thin air –_

_All this knowing that he himself had caused a very similar tragedy, he had fired a weapon that killed more people than this cataclysm_ –

Bile is rising to Hux’s throat. It happens more and more often recently. He’s been losing hair, too. Since all this started, almost three months ago, since they saw frozen bodies floating in space and fiery hell on worlds bombarded by space debris while they were trying to evacuate people, he’s been working day and night, and not just to find out who did this. Also to get himself so exhausted he wouldn’t be able to think.

_But the thoughts come back anyway whenever he rests. He is on the good side this time, doing good things. He had nothing to do with this mass murder. Yet he feels guilty, terribly guilty, more so than before, as if all this was a punishment for his own crime. A demon of Hosnia coming after him –_

“Tw’oorah? What for?” Ren asks.

“Just so you can find mutual comfort brooding about the mysterious ways of the Force and praying to dead Sith lords, while I’ll have my analysts take a look at today’s reports from probes and see if they have found Mara.”

* * *

Kylo doesn’t wait for Tw’oorah. He drags himself to his quarters. It is six o’clock in the afternoon standard time and he hopes he won’t need to re-emerge until the next morning. It is eerily similar to the life he had after Crait, before he met Mara. Well, not quite, because he has a Council now, he has people to discuss things with, he has the Knights, and Hux is much less unbearable. And yet somehow it all doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

He is tired, as usual. As usual he will slightly perk up after dinner, then go to bed at midnight, and won’t be able to sleep. He’ll fret, doze off for an hour or two, wake up at about two or three in the morning, then spend hours tossing and turning. He’ll fall asleep again and dream unhappy dreams, and wake up at six, very tired but resigned. He will get up to train. Then he will stagger around for the rest of the day, from one meeting to another holoconference.

How come he is he back at that, living this bleak, nightmarish life again?

He always slept well with Mara. His nightmares were few and far between, and if he woke up from one of them, she was there to cuddle with him and put him back to sleep. Now he doesn’t have the old nightmares anymore. It’s the new ones he dreads. Sometimes it’s her funeral; or her ship falling from the sky and crashing on their lawn in Chandrila; or a communication from her that is intercepted by the _Stardust_ ’s comms system but when Kylo listens to it, he can’t understand anything she says, and then she comms again, and still he can’t get it. Then silence. 

He goes to the refresher and undresses. A hot bath should make him feel better, Mara taught him that. He opens the tap in the bathtub, undresses and stands naked in front of the big mirror.

He finds himself ugly. 

Mara raved about his hair, eyes, and his body – big and toned, with sculpted muscles, broad shoulders, thick arms. She loved snuggling against his chest. She would lay her head on it and put her arm around Kylo’s body, saying he was her favourite pillow. She would trail a line of kisses on the patch of skin above his heart. She liked kissing him there. He liked being kissed there. The warmth radiating off her, the light touches of her lips on his skin, her arms around him. He felt loved.

He can sometimes feel a phantom weight on his chest where Mara’s head used to be. Sometimes he reaches out, absent-mindedly, to slide his fingers into her hair, and it’s not there. He then turns onto his side and wraps his arms around a pillow. The pillow slowly gets warm from his body heat and he can pretend it’s Mara. This is the most pathetic things he does, and he would kill anyone who saw him do that. Some Supreme Leader. Some dark warrior.

He knows many people find him attractive, even if in an unconventional way. And yet, staring at himself now in the mirror, he knows they’re all wrong. He’s no alluring prince. He’s a fraud. The worst of his physical features stand out and there’s hardly anything redeeming.

When he looks at his hair, he can only see the big ears hidden underneath. On his face, the only things that draw the eye are the big nose and the scar on his cheek. His angular features are now even more pronounced by the sadness and despondence of his expression. Somehow the proportions are not right. There is no light in his eyes, surrounded by dark circles, with bags underneath. His hair has grown; now it almost reaches his shoulders, he has something resembling a goatee, or rather a mustache and a chin patch, a messy one, just because he doesn’t care to shave too often anymore. It gives him an edge he didn’t have before, when he was always clean shaven. He now looks unkempt, wilder, and definitely older.

When he inspects his body, multiple scars stand out. His body is useless anyway. It was loved for a year, it was caressed with affection, it was looked at with desire, and used for pleasure, both his and hers, but now he’s back to punishing it with excessive training. He has aches and pains in his muscles and joints; has he aged so prematurely, or is it just the lack of her? He can’t tell.

He craves her hands and mouth on his skin. He desperately wants to kiss, lick, rub his face against every centimetre of her, to be inside her again, so close than no closer exists, wrapped up in her arms, surrounded by her warmth, with her lips on his. He wants to see her eyes again, looking up at him, glazed over with love and desire. He wants to hear her moan into his mouth when he’s moving inside of her, feel her tremble under him. He wants to feel her fingers in his hair. When she looks at him, he finds himself beautiful.

He had never had this before. He had never been joyful enough for light pleasure. Not warm enough for devotion. Not trusting enough to let himself go in front of another person. Once he and Mara got together, he sometimes thought with amusement that his earlier strict combat training routine must have served an additional purpose of redirecting physical energy. The energy that he found a better use for with Mara. Loving her and making love to her made him so much more cheerful, serene, confident. So much less tense and snappy. There was no lashing out or breaking things anymore. There was harmony.

And now it is over.

There are only two things Kylo is good at, two areas in which he has never disappointed. One is fighting, the other is loving Mara. The only two places where he felt at ease, at home, where he belonged, was in the middle of a battlefield and in her arms. And now Mara is gone, and fighting is impossible because there is no enemy. The unknown villain who destroyed Bothan Space, killed billions, and perhaps killed Mara by accident, can’t be fought because nobody knows who and where he is. So Kylo’s two things have been taken away from him.

And just like he’s desperately missing Mara, he is also itching for a fight, whoever or whatever his unknown enemy is. The dark side is growing in Kylo, giving the wild look to his eyes and face, feeding on his despair and anguish, on his anger and his thirst for bloody revenge. If he can’t have Mara back, he will drown the galaxy in his enemy’s blood. When his longing for her turns into physical pain, when his chest tightens so much he can hardly breathe, it’s the fantasies of a confrontation with his enemy that keep him focused, even if they drag him deeper and deeper into darkness. It’s not enough anymore to slash through practice droids at his combat training; he uses the Force to decompose them into small particles once they’re destroyed, practicing the skill for when the time comes. Ten times a day he feels like Force-choking innocent people, such as a trooper who ran into him yesterday by accident when Kylo was coming from around the corner, and Kylo snarled at him and slammed him into the wall. Such as the engineer from Xeria who told them via holo this morning that a shield to protect a planet from superweapons such as those used in the attack would take at least a year to develop, and only if everyone worked day and night. Work day and night then, Kylo hissed at him, while Hux and the Knights shifted in their seats.

His skin prickles. He developed a rash on his shoulders. The med droid says it’s stress. Kylo knows what kind of stress it is – it’s the lack of her touch. He has toyed with the idea of hurting himself. Apparently self-mutilation could help ease the pain. Before, he never needed to do it – he got his pain from battle wounds and Snoke’s tortures. And now that he hasn’t been in a fight for a long time… people cut their arms, for example. But what would Mara say? She would be appalled. She would hate him to do such things to the body she loved. He can’t, he won’t do anything that he would be ashamed to share with her.

He turns around, away from the mirror, and takes a small velvet pouch out of the inner pocket of his tunic, hanging on the back of a chair. He takes the ring out and looks at it, lying in his palm.

He often does it. He can’t help himself. If only this thing had arrived on the day of their anniversary, like it was supposed to, if he had had a chance to ask her… then what? If Mara is dead, what would it have changed that she had died with his ring on her finger?

It does change something. Kylo isn’t old-fashioned about marriage but somehow it makes a difference, it would have made a difference if he had been able to ask her, if she had said yes, if he had put that ring on her finger. The ring Leia gave him before she died. She gave it to him as they met for the last time at the signing of the ceasefire agreement, which was their first meeting after many, many years. This ring was her last and dearest memory of Alderaan, and she said it was for Kylo’s future bride. Kylo almost laughed then; Rey had just rejected him definitively, he was alone and terrified with his new responsibilities, love was the last thing on his mind and he didn’t believe anyone could ever love him or that he could love anyone. Leia died two weeks later, and six weeks after her death Kylo met Mara.

A ring so intricate that the jeweler from Chandrila took longer than anticipated to make it smaller to fit Mara’s finger. Kylo puts it back into the pouch and closes it carefully. He carries it with him at all times, and today, on her birthday, it weighs in his pocket like a stone.

Deep down, he is afraid. Terrified that they might never meet again. That he will die in a long, long time, alone, never knowing whether she spent her whole life waiting to be rescued on some obscure moon which he never found, or maybe died when her ship crashed there.

Or whether the lips, the arms, the breasts, the smile, and the eyes he loved were pulverised in a split second in the explosion, and floated as atoms in space during all those years of his long lonely life which he spent looking for her.

* * *

He lies in the bath for almost half a standard hour. Afterwards, he changes into comfortable clothes. He decides he won’t work anymore today. He should celebrate her birthday somehow, perhaps by doing something normal, not cataclysm- or war-related. Like watching a holovid. He can choose something she would like. They watched many together in their house on Chandrila, she curled in his arms on the sofa, he stroking her hair, enjoying the quiet bliss.

He starts to browse through the holonet to find something when there’s a knock at the door, and then another one, as if the visitor needed to speak to him urgently.

Kylo sighs. This must be Tw’oorah, Hux must have sent him. He should have told Tw’oorah he didn’t require him. Well, but maybe it’s for the best. Maybe some company tonight would do him good.

But it’s Hux, and not Tw’oorah, standing in front of Kylo’s door, and he looks so alarmed that Kylo instantly feels sick. Is this what he thinks it is? On her birthday, of all days? Have they found a trace? The evidence that she died in the explosion? He’s paralysed with fear, and it stuns him. Debilitating fear isn’t a feeling Kylo Ren is used to.

“What is it, Hux?” he barks. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Listen,” Hux starts and his voice sounds very strange. “You should come to the bridge. We’ve just been hailed… by someone who claims to have important information on the attack and the perpetrator.”

Kylo scoffs impatiently. He is relieved but also in a very bad mood. This is what Hux disturbed him for?

“So go ahead, question them! Plenty of bounty hunters claimed they had information, and it always turned out to be bantha shit. I don’t need to waste my time on that.”

“Not this time. She demanded to talk to you in person, and I think you’ll want to talk to her. She will be docking on the _Stardust_ in a few minutes.”

Kylo frowns. This is intriguing.

“So who is she?” he inquires more calmly.

“The holo was of poor quality and I couldn’t see her face well, but… I did think it was her. The Jedi. The scavenger girl from Jakku.”

Kylo stares at him, incredulous.

“Rey?! Are you saying Rey is docking on the _Stardust_ right now?”

“As I said, I couldn’t see her very well so it may well be someone else claiming to be her, but… we do have a very good visual of her ship now that it’s approaching. It definitely is the _Millennium Falcon_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boum! Surprise! And a cliffhanger.


	10. The unexpected ally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rey and Kylo are back in the throne room

When he enters the hangar bay, the _Millennium Falcon_ is just touching down. He has ordered all technicians and troops away. He wants to meet her alone.

He’s watching in silence as the hatch opens. Rey is standing at the top of the ramp and starts to walk towards him. Kylo’s chest tightens and it’s difficult to say whether it’s because of his father’s ship – which should be his heritage if only he deserved it – or because of Rey. Their last conversation –

She stops some two metres away from him and they look at each other.

“Ben,” she says.

“Rey.”

She looks good, slightly older, or rather more mature – perhaps because of her hairstyle, one bun instead of three, at the back of her head. She is wearing a white outfit: a simple tunic and leggings, with a leather belt. The fabric of her tunic is criss-crossed at the front, reminding him of her former desert outfit. He half-expected a Jedi robe but of course she wouldn’t wear anything like that. That’s not Rey. The silver hilt of a lightsaber is clipped to her belt.

Rey’s face expression is neutral. Nothing to do with the both hopeful and nervous look she had when she last flew onto the _Supremacy_ – this very ship, it’s just the name that has changed – in an escape pod, and gazed at him from under the transparisteel pane, waiting to be released. But also nothing to do with the snarl he remembers from the last time the Force bond connected them, a few weeks after Crait, when he tried again and she refused him again.

“Not meeting me with binders this time?” she smirks, and the tension dissipates. Kylo smiles.

“Things have changed, as you can see.”

“Indeed. Ben…”

“Yes?”

“I know you have lost someone important,” Rey says, looking into his eyes with her honest, open expression. “I’m very sorry about it. I’m so sorry it happened to you.”

He hasn’t expected that. He hasn’t expected any reference to Mara from Rey, and certainly not at the very opening, and definitely not such warm, compassionate words.

And suddenly it’s too much. Nobody has said it to him so openly, none of his close friends and collaborators, nobody dared; everyone asks about the search, everyone makes serious and sad faces, but nobody has been so explicit. All of a sudden, tears come up to his eyes and throat and he can’t hide it. These words somehow make it real and final, they’re making Mara’s disappearance permanent, as if she –

He sits down on a metal bench just next to the _Falcon_ ’s ramp. Rey sits beside him and doesn’t say anything as he wipes his eyes hastily.

“I keep looking for her,” Kylo says. “We haven’t found any evidence –”

“I hope you will find her. I don’t know if what I have to say will help with that, but at least it will help you progress a little bit.”

He has forgotten how optimistic Rey is. He expected coldness and hostility, even though she came to give him information. That’s what their last conversation through the bond was: cold and hostile. But this was more than a year and a half ago.

“You’ve repaired it or made a new one?” he asks, gesturing towards the ligthsaber on her belt.

“I’ve repaired it. The crystal got cracked but the bigger part was still good enough to make a new blade.”

She has his grandfather’s sword, she has his father’s ship. He wasn’t worthy enough of any of that. But at least Leia’s ring is in his possession, tucked away in the velvet pouch in his tunic pocket. His mother left it to him, not to Rey or anyone else. It’s funny because at the time he received it, he couldn’t imagine ever giving it to anyone else than Rey. And yet –

She has repaired the lightsaber. She likes to repair broken things; once a scavenger, always a scavenger. And yet Kylo was too damaged for her; she tried to save him once but when her attempt failed, she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He remembers how much bitterness and pain this realisation caused him at the time. All this suffering is long gone, it’s all water under the bridge. It seems like memories from another life, or someone else’s life, because they don’t hurt anymore. He has other memories now, and other reasons to hurt.

“How are you?” Rey asks, looking at him again.

Kylo shrugs.

“Not good. My consort has vanished into thin air, the galaxy is in a mess, I cannot seem to protect anyone or anything. It’s like there’s even no point in trying anymore.”

“Of course there’s a point. And you’re doing all you can.”

“All I can is nothing. I can only clean up the mess, before another one happens. It’s like a ticking bomb.”

“About that…”

“If you don’t mind, Rey,” Kylo says, “I’d prefer to talk about it in the presence of my High-Command. My Knights and Hux. We’re working together. I’d like them to hear what you have to say.”

“All right. But let’s just sit here first for a bit longer, shall we?” Rey suggests, and he’s grateful for the idea. He needs to pull himself together before they start talking about the attack. It’s strange because he should be itching to find out what she has to tell him. But he feels so worn out, so chagrined, and perhaps so unhopeful that he prefers to procrastinate.

“Tell me what you have been doing,” he prompts.

“I’ve been looking for Force-sensitive people around the galaxy,” Rey says. “To have a little group that could stay together.”

“To teach them?”

“I can hardly claim to know enough myself to be a teacher. I read all those books…”

“The books you stole from Skywalker?”

“Yeah. And I’ve been training. But I don’t aspire to be a teacher. We are learning together. I just feel like staying with people who… are like me.”

Kylo isn’t surprised; he always suspected she would not, in the long run, feel at home with the Resistance. She stood out too much, she couldn’t share her preoccupations related to the Force with them, she couldn’t get from them any answers to her questions. She could have shared all that with him – after all, he’s one of those people who are “like her’ – but she chose not to. Instead, she found her own people and built herself a family she had always wanted.

Just like he did. They both built themselves a life.

“We live on Cantonica,” Rey says. “The first Force-sensitive boy I found, Temiri, was from there. Rose, a friend from the Resistance, told me about him, and this is how I had the idea to look for more of them. Cantonica is nothing like Ach-to. There are plenty of other people, and a lot of travellers, so we interact. It’s not a secret and secluded Jedi academy or anything like that. It’s mostly people of my age or younger, and some kids, too.”

She is deep in thought for a moment, and finally she says:

“I used to regret, you know. That I said no to you.”

“You regretted?”

“Sometimes, yes. Once the anger passed. Or rather, I was wondering, what if. But it was simply not a life for me. I could never,” she gestures towards the interior of the hangar, “live here, command the fleet, take decisions for the galaxy, be under the spotlight all the time, be on the holonet. I could never live that life with you. And at that time, I thought you were wrong to choose it.”

She considers her next words and he’s waiting patiently. They finally need to say these things. They never really listened to each other, never tried to understand what the other wanted.

“When I saw you on the holonet, addressing the galaxy last year after you beat the gangs, I knew we both chose right. You would have been miserable if you had followed me back to the Resistance after killing Snoke. It would have been a mistake, just like my staying here with you.”

So Rey watched him speak with Mara at his side. He called Mara to join him, just like he had called Rey – and Mara said yes. Mara put her hand in his and faced the galaxy with him. It was a wonderful moment, one of the best in his life. He felt so elated, so powerful. Everything was possible, everything was only beginning. He had just won a great victory, he had survived and risen again by almost a miracle, and in all that he wasn’t alone. He had a woman who loved him, standing with him.

“I finally understood, when I saw you with her, that neither of us could follow the other. We always wanted completely different things, you and I. We both wanted belonging, but it was different kinds of belonging we needed.”

Kylo nods. He also used to think that Rey was wrong to have refused his offer. Later, once his anger passed, he understood she wasn’t made for ruling the galaxy, she simply didn’t want that, just like he wasn’t made for the path she chose. He needed a strong purpose, he always had something to prove, both because of his legacy and his powers. Living in the shadow has never been an option.

“What did you see when we touched hands?” he asks suddenly. But Rey doesn’t look surprised. She must have expected the question.

“I saw a scene from your childhood. You with your parents, an ordinary day in your house, I watched it from your perspective, and suddenly… I heard Snoke in your head. It was extremely disturbing. I felt like I understood everything about you then. Then I saw us standing together, with a feeling of common purpose. Difficult to say what we were doing and what the context was, but it just felt like we were on the same side.”

“I saw something similar. Besides seeing the truth about your parents. I saw us standing together, and then I mistook it for –

“For _being_ together,” Rey finishes for him. “Me too. So I went to the _Supremacy_ , and I expected you to turn, and to leave with me.”

“I expected you to turn too, and to stay. Then it didn’t happen.”

“Well, in a way it did, but differently. We did work together, we got rid of Snoke, we killed his guards. Then it all went to hell because our assumptions were all wrong,” Rey smiles. “But the Force doesn’t lie, even if sometimes we misunderstand it. We may not belong together the way we thought, but we can still be on the same side. We have been holding a grudge against each other for too long. It doesn’t have to be like that. I have come to tell you how we can stand together again.”

* * *

In the turbolift to the audience chamber, Kylo recalls how they went up to Snoke last time. Back then, Rey closed the distance between them and looked up at him; he wanted to kiss her and she looked like she wanted to be kissed. Afterwards, he agonised over that moment for months. He also agonised over his subsequent awkward pitch to her, his blindness, his obstinacy to keep firing at the Resistance, her rejection, and the total miscomprehension between them.

At that time, he thought it was the end of the world. As it turned out, it wasn’t. His end of the world was still to come. He thought Rey was meant to be his partner, his lover, his empress, his soulmate, and he lost her. Little did he know –

He wonders what Rey is thinking. She has a slight smile on her lips, as if she was remembering it too, and he guesses she smiles because she also remembers it without pain.

The turbolift doors slide open and they enter the former throne room, currently Kylo’s audience chamber, looking much more sober now that Snoke’s psychedelic interior has been toned down. It is a big, comfortable meeting room, with a large viewport, and no trace of red. Last time he and Rey saw each other in person, and not through the bond, was here. This time it’s not Snoke’s sinister figure they see on entering, but four very agitated Knights of Ren, with their sabers drawn, and Hux next to them.

Rey stops in her tracks and glances at Kylo.

“Don’t worry,” he says. “They’re just suspicious of you. But they won’t harm you.”

“Good,” Rey smiles. “Because I thought for a moment we’d have to pull off that stunt and fight the guards all over again.”

He smiles too. That was a good moment. A painful memory that has somehow become a good one, without him even noticing.

“You’ve redecorated,” she comments, looking around. “I like it better now.”

Kylo almost snorts but he keeps his serious face in front of the Knights, who seem ready to pounce.

“At ease,” he tells them. “Put these weapons down. This is not the enemy. She came to talk.”

“So we have heard,” Djawan says. “Just making sure it doesn’t end with everyone dead and you lying on the floor unconscious, like the last time she visited.”

“No need to worry about that,” Rey replies. “Can we sit down?”

“Meet my Knights, Rey,” Kylo points to them one by one and introduces each by their name.

“Pleasure,” Rey says lightly, pausing for a second when she looks into Tw’oorah’s yellow eyes. “General Hux and I already know each other.”

“It’s Grand-Marshal,” Hux retorts coldly.

“I’m looking forward to hearing what it is that you know about the attack but we don’t, with all our intel and technology,” Sansena speaks grudgingly, once the formalities are over and they move to the table, sitting at its top in a demi-circle. “Unless you were involved, and frankly that wouldn’t surprise me.”

“Also, what stopped you from revealing your crucial information any time earlier?” asks Tw’oorah with a contemptuous smile.

“Let her speak,” Kylo says sternly but Rey holds her own. She is now frowning at the Knights, which reassures him. She hasn’t become a complete Jedi.

“Perhaps, rather than rely only on intel and technology, you should meditate more,” she cuts them off. “The Force might reveal to you things that other sources of information won’t.”

Kylo expects a hostile silence after these words but suddenly M’biren laughs, and Kylo can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times the black giant has laughed. Everyone is also visibly surprised and they stare at M’biren.

“Now, this is rich,” M’biren says calmly, folding his hands together on the table. “You want to lecture us on how to put the Force at the service of the galaxy, Master Jedi? May I ask what you were doing when we were fighting criminals last year? And in the last three months, where were you when we were busy rescuing people dying from space debris falling on their heads? Tell me, how many useful and practical things have you actually accomplished with the Force in your entire life? Built a bridge? Saved a mine from collapsing? Released slaves from captivity? Or are these too ordinary things for the noble Jedis who prefer to meditate when someone else does the hard work for them? Why don’t you use your remarkable Force abilities to shield the galaxy from another attack? Because in my labs on Xeria we’re working day and night to develop such a shield. You know what? Let me show you something.”

Before Kylo can interrupt, M’biren presses a few buttons on the table and a holo rises in the air between them.

Kylo assumed it was going to be footage from Xeria but it’s something completely different. It’s the eerie scene he still can’t forget – even if they had seen many other ships in the same condition – of the New Order star destroyer _Midnight_ , which, shortly after the explosion, disappeared from radars close to Bothawui. They knew it must have been badly damaged. They thought they were prepared for the sight. Yet, when they flew into the enormous cloud of debris, the remains of the ship scattered over hundreds of miles, and the frozen faces of the dead people in New Order uniforms started floating by their viewport –  _tens of thousands of them_ – no officer on the _Stardust_ ’s bridge managed to remain quiet. This time, it was their colleagues, their friends from the academy, even members of their families. Kylo knew some of them personally. The commander of that ship was a frequent participant of High-Command debriefings.

For Hux, they were his people. He talked to some of them every week. Hux stayed literally speechless for the entire time they spent flying past the destroyed ship, while the other officers busied themselves giving orders. As usual on such occasions, they needed to pick up the bodies and clean the debris, at least to some extent, so that it didn’t float all over the sky, posing a danger to other passing ships. Kylo stayed next to Hux for a long moment, watching the operation, but didn’t look at Hux because he knew Hux didn’t want to be seen like this.

They have all seen this before. But for Rey, this is the first time and she is watching the footage motionless, transfixed.

And then the holo changes and it’s Kothlis, a beautiful oceanic planet, one of their first rescue operations as the Ganash debris travelled much further than initially predicted and started hitting remote worlds. They gave the evacuation order as soon as it was clear it would hit Kothlis, twelve hours before the disaster was supposed to happen. In the holo, filmed from the bridge of the _Tempest_ , leading the operation, the sky of Kothlis swarms with ships escaping the planet. Several New Order star destroyers and some other big ships of their allies hover above, shuttles circulating and bringing to safety those who have no transport of their own. Twelve hours seems hardly enough for almost a billion people to escape. It’s really not much when you have to pack all your life and abandon your world for ever.

Kylo knows what comes next. At one point, there is a collective gasp on the _Tempest_ ’s bridge – he was there, all the commanders having gathered on the _Tempest_ for the operation, so he remembers – and chaos breaks out as the first enormous piece of fiery debris enters the atmosphere, hours earlier than it was supposed to. In the next minutes, more fiery balls pierce the clouds and race to the surface. Officers shout; they need to wrap up and escape immediately. Transport shuttles start to slalom between the meteorites raining on them, some are hit and fall down –

In Kylo’s memory, what happened next is surrounded by haze. His Knights were all on the surface or in those transports, coordinating the evacuation. They knew how risky it was, and that’s why they wanted to go. This is also why Kylo personally watched over the operation. To use the Force if needed. It wasn’t really a plan, they didn’t agree on anything specific they’d do in the event the evacuation wasn’t completed in time. In truth, they had no idea what it would look like. But then –

The _Tempest_ ’s bridge fell into silence as Kylo barked at the shouting officers. He closed his eyes, extended his hands and reached for the Force, let it permeate him and wrap its tendrils around him. He extended his awareness outside the bridge, outside the ship, into the sky, into the air above and below him, feeling for the strings –

When he opened his eyes, everything outside was still. He slowly released the transports and watched them sail to safety around the motionless balls of fire hanging just a kilometre or so above the planet’s surface. More transports took off, taking advantage of the moment’s respite, as he watched.

He couldn’t hold the debris forever, he knew it. But he was able to hold for much longer than he had anticipated, before he had to let go and watch Kothlis’ scenic atolls and its oceans explode in a series of impacts. He was able to buy more time because the Knights helped him. Somehow, through the Force, they connected their powers and did it together. And as the chaos broke out again, he knew the Knights would use the Force to manoeuvre the transports safely to the star destroyers, and they’d all be able to depart.

 

“So, forgive us for not meditating enough,” M’biren comments drily while Rey is still watching Kylo’s handiwork on the holo. “We were busy in the last months. Perhaps, Master Jedi, if you had helped us, you wouldn’t have found so much time for meditation, either.”

Meditation never sat well with M’biren, Kylo remembers that from Skywalker’s temple. In one way or another, he and each of the Knights suffered some repression of their nature and talents in that academy, even if, of course, they also learnt a lot. Kylo was considered as a freak with his outbursts of anger and propensity for darkness and violence. But M’biren was an outsider too because, powerful in the Force as he was, he was always only interested in its practical applications. The things he has now said to Rey, Kylo heard him say them to Luke as well, and Luke always evaded the conversation. First you learn, boy, then you do. Meditate. M’biren hated that. The Force was a tool for him, one of his engineer tools, not the centre of his life. He was no Force scholar, while Skywalker tried – and failed – to make Force scholars and philosophers, dispassionate and detached from real life, of them all.

“What you have been doing is very impressive and I have enormous respect for you, lord M’biren,” Rey says, looking into Kylo’s Knight’s eyes. “I could only imagine what the last months must have been like for you. Now that I see it with my own eyes, I am even more determined to contribute with my little piece. I meant no offence to you. I do not pretend to have been as useful as you. But I have come here to tell you about a discovery I made, while meditating in the Force, and I hope it can help your efforts.”

“Tell us, Rey,” Kylo says. He doesn’t want further arguments. This is not a Jedi-Sith or Light-Darkness contest. They have work to do and he’ll be damned if he lets them waste time bickering. M’biren nods and remains silent, and even Tw’oorah has shut up, though there’s still a snarl on his face. Kylo is sure Tw’oorah’s hand is on the hilt of his lightsaber.

“After the war,” Rey starts, “my companions from the Resistance dispersed, but the biggest group, with all my close friends, decided to settle for some time on Krant. I went to visit them every month or so, for a few days, and I’ve been taking my students with me.”

Krant is in Bothan Space. It’s one of the worlds that are now surrounded by rings of debris following the attack, but New Order probes indicate the rings are stable, so the inhabitants should be safe. There’s no communication with them, but it’s not a densely populated planet. Just a few cities. It’s not a priority for the New Order.

“If you have come here to ask us to get your friends out –” Tw’oorah starts, but Kylo just raises his hand and the Twi’lek falls silent.

“Last time I went,” Rey continues calmly, “was a few weeks after the attack. I couldn’t get through the debris and I didn’t want to risk my students’ lives. So I went back, left them on Cantonica, and tried again alone. But I had to turn back again. The _Falcon_ ’s shields aren’t strong enough. Even with the Force, it wasn’t safe. I could have perhaps got through, but then I would have likely got trapped planet-side because I couldn’t risk crossing back, not with everyone on board. I tried to contact my friends, but their comms aren’t working.”

“That’s normal,” Djawan comments. “It doesn’t mean they came to any harm. It’s the situation on many worlds for the time being.”

“Yes, I thought as much. And of course I guessed you’d be getting to all these worlds, even if it might take time. In the meantime, I decided to try to reach them through the Force. They’re not Force-sensitive but I can extend my Force awareness rather far, even to other systems, especially if I have been to the place before.”

“So I stayed for weeks on the _Falcon_ outside Krant’s orbit, at a safe distance from the debris,” she continues, “And I meditated. I reached out to different places on the planet, I tried to localize in the Force the old base where my friends live, and I think I found it. I detected living beings. I think they’re all safe. But in the middle of that, I made a troubling discovery.”

They all sit a bit straighter now and Kylo frowns. He has no idea where this is going and what kind of discovery she might be talking about.

“There is an old Sith temple on Krant,” Rey says, looking at Tw’oorah. “Have you ever been there?”

“No,” Tw’oorah replies, this time without any sneer or growl. “I’ve never been on Krant. But that temple hasn’t been used for a long time.”

“Yes. And I have never felt anything special there, on all those occasions when I visited. In fact, the temple isn’t very far from the base so I would have definitely noticed if something was amiss, or if it was in use. But during those last weeks when I stayed outside the orbit, meditating, I felt something.”

“Like what?” Tw’oorah frowns.

“A Dark force rising,” Rey replies. “It is on Krant. The Force signature is very dark. It doesn’t remain the same all the time, though. This is why I stayed so long. I wanted to observe it. It flares up at times, and after that the signature gets masked. I think whoever it is, they’re hiding. They mask their presence in the Force, and then they start using the Force again, or they might simply lose control from time to time, maybe when they’re angry, because all of a sudden the signature is on again.”

“How strong?” Kylo asks curtly.

“Not as strong as yours or mine,” Rey says, turning to him. “But stronger than that of anyone else’s in this room.”

“This is impossible,” Sansena protests. “A Force-user as strong as this – we would know of their existence!”

“Not if they had been deliberately cutting themselves off from the Force, like Luke did on Ach-to. Don’t you understand?” Rey asks. “They don’t want to be found by you. And that means –”

“This is the enemy we’re looking for,” M’biren says. Rey nods.

“At least that’s the best shot. He sometimes allows himself a slip, because he knows you have better things to do than look for him through the Force. Why would you even assume the attacker was Force-sensitive? He used weapons, not the Force, to wreak havoc.”

“It might be nothing,” Kylo says carefully. “But then again…”

“We need to check,” Hux speaks. “This is the best lead we’ve had for a long time. But what is he doing on Krant? Why hide rather than strike again, and if he has no plans of further attacks, why not hide somewhere else, less exposed, like the Unknown Regions? He can’t have a military base on Krant. We’d know about it.”

“Maybe he got trapped by the debris?” Sansena suggests.

“I doubt a guy who planned an attack of that scale would have just let himself get trapped on a random world. Even less so if he’s Force-sensitive.”

“Rey, are you absolutely sure this has nothing to do with the Resistance?” Kylo asks.

“If you're asking whether my friends from the Resistance would organize an attack to destroy a few worlds just to take their revenge on you, I think I can safely vouch for them,” Rey replies calmly. “It might be just a coincidence. He might have a specific reason for being on Krant – the temple might have something to do with it – but I doubt his reason is the Resistance. Unless he tries to get to me.”

“That’s actually quite possible,” Kylo remarks. “He might want to get to all strong Force-users. Undermine me by an attack I couldn’t stop. Corner you by endangering your friends. Destroy us all. He might be luring us into a trap, knowing that you’d come to see your friends, feel him, and warn me, and then I’d come for him.”

“He’s not strong enough for us all. If we come for him, he must know he won't walk away alive.”

“Maybe it doesn’t matter,” Hux suggests. “It might still be a trap. He might have his weapons ready and intend to go out in a blaze of glory, taking you all with him.”

“We must take the risk,” Kylo says. “We cannot not go. We should set off immediately. It will take us a few days, so we have all this time to plan what’s the best way to deal with it once we get there.”

“I can come with you,” Rey offers. He expected that; and as much as he’s glad they’re finally teaming up, he doesn't want her to come.

“No, Rey. If this is a trap, I don’t want you to be there. We should not all go together without even knowing what we will find there. You go back to Cantonica and stay with your students. It’s also important that they’re not left alone, so nobody gets to them.”

Rey nods and stands up.

“With my students, on Cantonica, we’re exploring the Force,” she says, turning to the Knights, “Both the Light and the Dark side. We try to learn everything about it, without prejudices. And I would be happy,” she looks at M’biren, “if one day, when this is all over, you could come and talk to us about the Force. How you reach for it, what it means to you, how you use it. All of you,” she adds, looking pointedly at Tw’oorah. “If you could all come, if we could have all the Force-users together for once, perhaps we would discover new things about the Force. Things I don’t know and things you don’t know, either.”

“It will be my pleasure, Master Jedi,” M’biren says and Rey smiles. No one else speaks but the atmosphere in the room has changed. There’s something almost close to camaraderie in the air. When Rey motions towards the exit and Kylo stands up to see her off, everyone else stands up too and nods to her as she leaves.

* * *

They’re walking slowly along the _Stardust_ ’s corridors towards the hangar bay.

“That was quite a feat, when you stopped this debris in midair with the Force,” Rey speaks. “I’m not sure I’d be able to do that.”

“I didn’t know I was, either.”

“One more reason to be on the same side,” she remarks playfully and he smiles.

“Did you reach for Light or Darkness when you did it?” she asks suddenly.

“I couldn’t say. Both, I guess. There were strong emotions of both sides involved. I wanted to save everyone… but at the same time, I was mad at whoever caused all this.”

Rey nods.

“I thought so. I’m trying to do that too.”

“Use both the Light and the Dark side of the Force?”

“Yes, but more than that. To access them both at the same time. Like you did on Kothlis.”

“It was a beautiful world. A lot of water, very scenic. You’d have loved it,” Kylo says and anger is rising in him again, like it does every time he dwells on what’s been lost and cannot be retrieved. “And now it doesn’t exist anymore. Some things cannot ever be fixed, not even if we manage to find the perpetrator.”

“Nobody said finding him will fix what happened,” Rey says, stopping and turning to face him. They’re in the hangar bay, in front of the _Falcon_. “We can’t turn back the time. What’s gone is gone. We can only move forward.”

He shakes his head.

“Ben…” Rey adds, touching his arm lightly. “Don’t lose hope. It’s too early for that. But if it ever turns out…”

“That Mara is dead?”

“… if this is ever confirmed, then please, don’t give up. You’ve done so many good things. Whatever happens, you have so much left.”

He has always envied Rey this: her resourcefulness, her hope, her ability to rebound and be content with very little. He has never been like that. He has never been that _strong_. She must have viewed him as a spoiled brat when they met. A man who had everything and threw it all away: a family, a belonging, a net of protection, royalty, wealth, everything. Rey would never understand that he sometimes envied her the anonymity, the lack of ties to anyone and anything. You came from nothing, you are nothing, he told her. She took it badly. He meant it differently. Legacy and family always brought him down: expectations, fears, never being good enough. She didn’t have to struggle with that.

And so she doesn’t understand how much he clings to this one thing that is truly _his_. Not something that was bestowed or thrown upon him, not something he was born into, not something he has to do, related to his legacy, or his family, or the Force. Something, with someone, that he _chose_. Someone who chose _him_.

“Belonging is not just one person,” Rey adds, as if she read his thoughts, and in theory, she is right. In theory.

“We’re different, Rey. We’ve established that already. For me, the kind of belonging you always wanted, the belonging that is in the past, is a burden. I have found a person with whom I built something new. This is what I always wanted. And yes, there is the galaxy, too, and my mission in it. But I never wanted to do this alone. It’s only with her that it all started making real, deep sense.”

“I am sorry,” Rey repeats. “But Ben, one cannot rely so much on one person for one’s happiness. It’s too risky. It’s bound to make you suffer…”

“It’s relying on all the other people around me that has always made me suffer. And Rey, I am no Jedi. This thing with peace and no passion, and renouncing attachments, is not for me. It never has been.”

“It’s not for me, either,” Rey admits. “It’s too extreme. But the other extreme is also dangerous.”

“Extremes are my specialty,” he smiles. “This is just the way I am. Have you forgotten?”

She smiles too. It’s soothing, this quiet understanding they’re sharing. She has brought him a serious lead that might turn the tide for them, but beyond that, he’s just really glad she came and they talked. As she said, there is no reason to hold a grudge any longer. All that used to divide them is now in the past.

“Thank you for helping, Rey. We can’t thank you enough.”

“Don’t thank me yet. It might be nothing –”

“It’s not nothing. It gives me a new hope,” Kylo says. “I have been largely helpless in this game so far. Maybe this will change now.”

“Just promise not to hurt my friends,” Rey smiles. “Remember, they don’t love you. If they try to shoot you on sight, just freeze them, but don’t chop their heads off.”

“I’ll try to remember. I’ll need to instruct the Knights.”

Rey chuckles.

“Quite a bunch of characters.”

“They’re good and loyal friends. Just a bit – ”

“A bit on the dark side?”

“Well. It’s still the house’s way.”

“Keep me informed, Ben. You’ll find my comlink code on this,” she hands him a data chip. “Let me know how it goes. If you need my help, I will come.”

He watches her go up the _Falcon_ ’s ramp.

“By the way,” Rey says, turning around to face him again. “I wouldn't be above a little trade-off with the New Order.”

“How do you mean?”

“If you gave me another ship of similar size, because I need it for my students and can’t really afford to buy one, I could leave you the _Falcon_. It’s only right that you should have it.”

He is silent for a long time, because this means so much. In the end, though, it matters more that she offered it – and acknowledged his right to the _Falcon_ – than really having it.

“No, I want you to keep it. You’re putting it to good use.”

“All right then. You take care, Ben.”

“You too.”

A last wave of her hand and she disappears.

* * *

As he walks back to the audience chamber, he finds Sansena waiting for him at the exit of the hangar bay, her arms folded on her chest.

“Well, say it,” Kylo speaks, walking past her. She turns around and hurries along.

“I don’t really like it, but it’s true she brought useful information.”

“You don’t need to like it, or her. She brought useful information, full stop.”

“And that’s it, right? She’s not coming here again, right?”

“Are you jealous on Mara’s behalf?” Kylo asks, stopping abruptly and turning to face her. She has a defiant look on her face.

“Maybe?”

“There’s no need. There’s nothing more to it than exchange of information. And two estranged friends catching up, I guess. Something of the kind, anyway.”

Sansena looks at him intently, finally touches his arm and lets her hand linger for a moment before she withdraws it. It’s not frequent that the Knights are affectionate.

“I still believe we’ll find her,” she says. “I still think I’ll get to wear that dress.”

“What dress?”

“I bought a dress for your and Mara’s wedding. I don’t really like dresses, you know that. But Mara always teased me about it. I thought she would be amused seeing me in one. I did it to make her smile.”

He can only nod because his throat is so tight he could almost choke on his misery.

“And Kylo? I think we might be on to something,” Sansena says, smiling. “This Krant thing might finally take us in the right direction. Maybe we touched the bottom – it damn sure feels this way – and now we’re coming back up to the surface?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, things will start really picking up the pace now!
> 
> As for Rey and Kylo’s interaction: my other Kylo/OFC story, [The Fever](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18147002/chapters/42910568) (complete), is set a few days/ weeks after Crait and it also includes Kylo’s conversation with Rey, through the bond. It’s a very angry conversation. I imagine something like that would be natural at first; but once time passed and tempers calmed down, I think both of them would see how they were blind to what the other wanted and needed, and how they were each pushing their own agenda. In the movie, we might get Reylo love story as endgame, but in any case, I think they will, one way or the other, work together to get rid of the greater evil (whatever it will be). Here in our fantasy world, Kylo is with Mara, not Rey, but I wanted to show how he and Rey can still team up, even if they’re not in love.


	11. The final countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara takes her decision and Kylo arrives too late

She is thinking of her parents.

In the first weeks on Krant, she thought of them very often. She had no idea if they were still alive, because she didn’t know the extent of the destruction out there. When Arn-Seth told her he had targeted Bothan Space, she was relieved that her parents – and Neelia, her home – were spared. Later, she felt ashamed of that selfish thought.

Now, when it’s maybe the last time, she’s wondering about them again. Are they working with Kylo? Are they meeting with him? How are they doing, now that they’ve lost their second daughter, their last living child? How cruel will it be if they never even find out what happened to her.

Maybe nobody ever will.

She’s thinking of Neelia, too. She was on her way to visit her home world and she never got there. However today turns out – bad or slightly less bad – it’s extremely likely that she’ll never see it again.

And the child she told Rose and the other women about, the child she now sometimes thinks of when she wants to prove to herself she still has a future, will never be born –

“Hey, Mara,” Poe says, sitting next to her on the grass. It’s the beginning of the afternoon, just after lunch, and everyone is coming out to the garden. It’s been three days since her last meeting with Arn-Seth, and she needs to go to him soon –

“You’ve been a bit gloomy recently,” Poe adds, looking at her earnestly. “Is anything the matter?”

_Help me Help me Help me Help me_

Mara shakes her head.

“Nothing in particular. It’s just that time passes, and we’re still imprisoned here, and nothing is changing…”

He nods.

“It starts to get to everyone. But by now, I think Rey will have surely attempted to contact us or come to see us. So she must know we’re cut off. Perhaps, if anything out there still exists – if the rest of the galaxy has not been wiped out – she will alert someone, and we’ll be rescued. That is, if Rey is still alive, and if she’s not trapped somewhere herself.”

“Where is Rey? You’ve never told me.”

He hesitates for a moment, then waves his hand.

“I don’t think it’s much of a secret anymore. She’s on Cantonica. She gathered a small community of Force-sensitive people there. But who knows, Cantonica may have also been hit in this cataclysm or attack, or whatever it was. So we really have no idea. I find this infuriating, too.”

_Cantonica is not in Bothan Space, so it hasn’t been hit. Yes, Rey must have tried to contact them by now, and she must know they’re cut off. Would she alert Kylo? Would she ask him for help to extract her friends? Of course not. Why would he help the former Resistance? He will have other priorities._

_Rey is alive, and I can’t even tell Poe that. Yes, the galaxy still exists. Yes, it was an attack. I can’t tell him that, either._

_“_ Do you have any plans what to do next, if this situation doesn’t change?”

“Honestly, no,” Poe replies though she can see he hesitates. “I still think it’s not a good idea to risk everyone’s lives trying to get out if we’re not in any immediate danger here. We’re just not desperate enough to do it. Two years ago, I’d have done it. I was hot-headed like that. But Leia taught me differently.”

“What did she teach you?”

“To value people’s life,” he answers, looking away. “To think things over. To try to minimize losses. And this is not even a war.”

 _If only you knew_.

She wants to say something, to say goodbye. But she can’t think of any way to do it that wouldn’t make him suspicious. The last thing she wants is for Poe to start considering her suicidal and follow her into the forest later this afternoon. Yet she can’t leave without a word. She might never be coming back.

What will happen to them? Will they be trapped here forever?

 “You have been kind to me,” she says, patting his hand gently. “And a good friend. I really liked staying with you all. I like everyone here. You saved my life, and you knew how to look beyond your own past suffering to give me a chance. Wherever we go from here, whatever happens to us, I will never forget that. I will always be so very grateful to you.”

Poe raises an eyebrow.

“That’s quite a speech, Mara. Are you sure you’re ok?”

_No, I’m not. Please help me, someone help me –_

“Just a low moment,” she says. “It will pass.”

He sighs.

“We will all have more and more of those, I suppose.”

Rose, Kaydel and Finn, and a few others, come and sit next to them. They spend the next hour or so chatting and Mara wants this to never end. She’s basking in their laughter and companionship. This is the last time. It’s going to be over soon.

* * *

Back in her room, later on, she dresses comfortably and spends some time on her hair and make-up. She can’t pack anything – that would raise suspicions, too – but she takes one change of clothing, just in case, in a small bag that she usually carries with her on her forest walks. She thinks of leaving a message but it’s too risky – they might discover it too early and come after her. A cleaning droid will come to her room later today and she doesn’t want it to find anything.

She looks into the mirror and her own, familiar and yet so different face is gazing back at her. It’s a slightly tired look; she has dark circles under her eyes despite the make-up. A disappointed face. For the first time ever, Mara thinks she’s ageing. There are small lines on both sides of her mouth that weren’t there before.

“You are the heiress to the throne of Neelia,” she says to her reflection. “A former Senator, and the Supreme Leader’s adviser and consort. You can do this. If you can’t do this, then you don’t deserve your place in life. You must prove yourself now.”

Tears are welling up and it’s not a good sign; she needs to steel herself for this, rather than whine. It’s for Kylo, for herself, for the galaxy, for everyone. And if it doesn’t work, then it means she wasn’t worthy, she was useless, a mere imposter who impressed the Supreme Leader with a few political and diplomatic tricks and gained his affection with her good looks, but no more than that.

_You can do this. You can do this._

Also, because that’s the only solution. There is no other way.

It might well be the last day of her life. She stares at her reflection some more, and remembers for the last time some of the best moments. If only she had more time – now that at least one person from the outside, Rey, must be aware of Krant’s situation, surely some help would eventually come –

But she doesn’t have any more time. It’s today.

* * *

“Let’s go through this one last time,” Kylo says to Hux. The _Stardust_ is hanging in the sky outside Krant’s orbit. They've been here since last night and the probes have been hard at work to determine the best approach trajectory. The readings are not entirely conclusive as so many of them get destroyed, colliding with the debris orbiting Krant at a very high speed.

“First, you try the route in between the innermost ring and the upper atmosphere,” Hux says. “It might be a bit bumpy; the probes indicate fast-moving particles and an electromagnetic current, but it seems safer than going through the rings themselves. Your shields can take it.”

Kylo is taking his Upsilon-class shuttle, recently revamped. He and the Knights could take Silencers, if they had more of them. A Silencer can only hold two people, though, and they might need to bring Rey’s friends back with them, though Hux grimaces at the very mention of it.

“I can’t let them rot there after Rey helped us,” Kylo points out.

“In time, we might need to extract everyone from Krant,” Hux says. “So the Resistance can also wait a bit longer for the lift.”

“Hux.”

“One of them _bit_ me!” he complains.

“You probably deserved it.”

Kylo is also not looking forward to seeing the traitor and Dameron again. But it can’t be helped. After Rey provided key information, he can’t just descend on Krant, kill the bad guy, and depart without a word.

Assuming the bad guy really exists, is still here, and can be killed, as Hux points out.

“Anyone can be killed,” Kylo mutters. Because this is not the point. The weapons are the real danger. Are there any more of them, and are they on Krant? What if they’re somewhere else, and the villain’s death won’t solve anything because another attack will be launched by his acolytes from the other side of the galaxy?

They just have no idea.

“Now,” Kylo says, turning away from the viewport, through which he’s been watching the rings of debris surrounding Krant. It’s both a beautiful and unsettling sight. “Once we leave, what will you be doing?”

Hux is staying here, commanding the flagship. All the Knights are going with Kylo. Last night, Tw’oorah pointed out in private that this was not wise. What if Hux uses this opportunity to seize power? Yes, things might have changed, but Hux should not be trusted to that extent. This is however so far down on Kylo’s list of problems that he doesn’t even give it a serious thought. He’s willing to take the risk. He needs all his Knights with him against the evil they’re preparing to meet.

“The  _Stardust_ cannot stay here,” Hux says. “We remain a very easy target for the guy sitting on Krant with his weapons pointed at us. Even cloaked, I wouldn't risk it.”

“Cloaking won’t help anyway. He has the Force. He will feel you.”

“We’ll jump as soon as you go,” Hux replies. “Comms will not work on Krant so you won’t be able to let me know when to come back and get you. I could return in, say, three days?”

“Maybe. No idea. Why do you need to return at all? Why don’t we just comm you once we get back here, and we rendezvous with you somewhere else?”

“What if your shuttle gets damaged and you can’t comm me or jump to lightspeed?”

“Right. If we’re not back after three days, leave and come back again after four more days. That will give us a full week. Then again one week later.”

“And if you're not back by then?”

Silence falls around the table.

“We need to plan for all eventualities,” Hux insists. “In the event of your no-show in two weeks’ time, I propose to send a fully armed cruiser with troops to the surface. And if that doesn’t come back, the _Stardust_ and other ships will need to open the way through the debris to get to you.”

“You will need a lot of time and resources to bomb your way through this,” M’biren speaks, looking out the viewport. “And you might lose some ships in the process.”

“There’s no other way,” Hux replies. “We can’t possibly leave you to an unknown fate, and just sit and wait for another attack.”

“If we’re dead, it will be up to you to decide what comes after,” Kylo says slowly, looking at him. “Teran Wynad should be notified, and you two should work together, with the Council. Just one thing…”

“Yes, of course I will keep looking for her,” Hux cuts him off. They look at each other for a moment, then Kylo stands up and the Knights follow him out of the room.

Sansena lingers and turns to Hux as soon as the others exit.

“Well, well,” Hux sneers. “I thought it would be Tw’oorah’s role to threaten me, just in case I happened to have treacherous thoughts. Did they really delegate the task to you? You’re not even the scariest one.”

“I’m not going to threaten you,” she says slowly, looking at Krant outside the viewport. Hux waits.

“I don’t know anymore if Kylo is out for blood, or just looking to end his own misery and go out in a blast,” she remarks finally, still avoiding Hux’s eyes.

“You mean he’s suicidal?”

“I’m just wondering. He might be. What do you think?”

“I think he might have toyed with the idea but even he is not that egocentric.”

“Because he cares too much about what happens to the galaxy after he’s gone?”

“That too. But also, because he still believes he will find Mara. Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about this now. Ren is glad he can finally act, and this is good. Let’s just hope you find something on Krant. The worst scenario is that there is nothing, all this is a false alarm, and he will go completely mad.”

“He is becoming unhinged,” Sansena admits. “It’s like he’s building up towards an explosion.”

“Hopefully it can be channeled into dealing with the bad guys.”

“It will need to be channeled into something. If we don’t find anything, it will end badly. Sooner or later something very bad will happen. How I wish Mara were here! Everything would be completely different.”

“I thought I knew the power she had over him, but I was wrong,” Hux says. “It’s only now that I see how he can literally shatter into pieces under pressure without her.”

“Is he weak, then?” Sansena asks and he can see it pains her to speak so of her master. “Are you saying he’s not fit for the function?”

“We’ll cross this bridge when we get there. He put all his heart into this thing with Mara, and now all his heart is broken. So go and find something he can do, that will bring him back the sense of purpose, or we’ll have a big problem on our hands.”

* * *

When she steps onto the clearing where Arn-Seth’s cottage is, he’s sitting in front of it. It’s quite an idyllic sight; he’s sprawled comfortably on a wooden bench, enjoying the sun rays on his face.

Mara stands there in silence, until he opens his eyes and notices her.

“Well?” he asks curtly. There are no greetings and no pleasantries today. So she will get straight down to business too.

“I will leave with you,” she says.

He is looking at her for a long moment without a smile, and finally relaxes a little. He pats the bench next to him.

“No, thank you. I’m not very inclined to sit close to you after what happened last time.”

“You’ll need to get used to sitting close to me very soon. We’re leaving today.”

“Not until you answer some questions.”

“You think you can make conditions here?”

“Absolutely,” Mara says, stepping closer. “After all, you gave me a choice, didn’t you? I’m choosing to leave with you, but only if you answer my questions.”

“What are your questions?” he barks.

“If I am going to stay with you, I want to know more about you. It’s only fair. And it’s not like I’m going to be able to use this knowledge against you in any way, being your slave and prisoner, so you don’t need to keep secrets from me anymore.”

He stands up abruptly and moves into her space. Too close, again. Mara doesn’t flinch.

“I don’t keep slaves,” he hisses. “Don’t make your witty jokes about this. I was born a slave and all my family were slaves.”

Ah. So there it is, the first piece of information.

“Where?”

“In Bothan Space.”

“Which world?”

“We need to keep some information for future conversations, don’t we? We’re going to have many of those.”

“So when you launched your attack, you killed your own family and destroyed your home world? Is this what it was about? Is that why you chose Bothan Space?”

“My family had already been dead. One doesn’t survive for a long time as a slave, little princess,” Arn-Seth sneers. “Skywalker found me and plucked me out of my misery, but he didn’t care about the rest of my family. This is what Jedis do. They _don’t interfere_.”

“Do you know Kylo abolished slavery on all New Order worlds, and demanded the same from all his allies? The galaxy is largely slavery-free today.”

“So what?” he barks again. “Do you want me to thank him?”

“Another question. Where are we going?”

“To my base.”

“Where is it?”

“You’ll see, won’t you?”

“Do you have your weapons there?”

“Of course.”

“How do I know you won’t use them anyway, once you have me?”

“I  _already_ have you. I didn’t have to give you a choice or make you promises, did I? So I guess you’ll just need to believe me.”

They are facing each other in silence for a moment.

“Do you not regret it?” she asks.

“Regret what?”

“That you used to be a Jedi, yet you turned away from the Light?”

She hopes this is not too upsetting. He does frown but seems determined to answer her questions.

“Why would I? Does Kylo Ren regret it?”

“In his case, it was his decision. In yours, it was a reaction to what he did.”

“It’s the same. He was also prompted by Luke’s aggression, but darkness was inside him anyway, waiting to come out. It was in me, too. There are very few Jedis who don’t hear the call of the Dark. But very few would admit to it. Skywalker was much darker than he wanted us to believe, but he shunned this side of himself. He wanted to hide it. And then it roared to life the night he stood over Ben Solo.”

Arn-Seth smiles viciously.

“How I wish those two had killed each other.”

“And then what?” Mara asks. “What would your life have been then? Without hiding, without plotting your revenge? Who would you be now? A powerful Jedi, a Resistance hero, fighting against Snoke and the First Order?”

He laughs.

“Oh Mara! No, no. I would be the apprentice Snoke needed. The apprentice he could be proud of. And then, when the time came, I would kill Snoke and become the Supreme Leader myself. Perhaps with Rhasa by my side, perhaps without her. This is what I was meant to be. This is what Kylo Ren took away from me.”

“There is no light left in you then,” she says, schooling her face into a neutral expression. He shrugs.

“Was there any light in Snoke? You can’t be weak if you want to rule. There are tough decisions to be taken.

“How did you communicate with Snoke?”

“Why are you so interested?” he explodes. “What is that to you? It’s the past. Snoke is dead.”

“Just answer me. If it’s the past and not important anymore, why can’t you just satisfy my curiosity?”

He is looking at her with angry eyes. She is treading a very thin line. And yet –

“Snoke was in my head,” he says in the end. “Just as, I imagine, in Ben Solo’s. It started in Luke’s academy. I was a teenager. It was terrifying, at first. But then, I felt proud. I found Snoke so much cleverer than Skywalker and I was happy he chose to speak to me. When Ren destroyed everything and fled to Snoke, and I managed to get off-world, Snoke appeared to me via a Force-projection. He said Ren had become his apprentice, and I was furious. Jealous, I guess. But he offered me a role in the First Order, a different role from Ren’s.”

“What role?”

“I was Snoke’s intermediary with the gangs. He liked to keep them close. They paid him, and he shut his eyes to what they did. But he needed someone to keep tabs on them, and to keep them in check. That was me.”

“So this is how you got so rich and influential. And when Snoke was dead, you were able to gather the gangs around you and go against Kylo.”

“Snoke promised me a chance to take my revenge on Ren when the time came,” Arn-Seth says angrily. “Once Snoke didn’t need him anymore, Ren was supposed to be mine. Snoke trained me, too, so that I could beat Ren.”

“Didn’t it ever cross your mind,” Mara asks carefully, “that Snoke might have been using you, just like he was using Kylo? That he would have killed you in the end, or made you and Kylo kill each other?”

He shrugs.

“Of course. But I knew it. This is what the Rule of Two is about. In the end, I’d have had to kill Snoke or die in the attempt. I was prepared for that. But then –”

“Kylo beat you to it?”

“Yes,” he says. “But this ends now. I’m getting back on him.”

“Let us go through the deal once again,” Mara says in her calm diplomat’s voice, even if it’s difficult to speak in such a level manner after all she’s just heard, and before what is coming. “I agree to come with you. We leave this planet together and I go with you to your base or wherever you want. In exchange, you leave Kylo alone and you don't launch another attack.”

He watches her with a smile she came to know so well.

“You understand what this entails, don’t you?” he asks. “You’re never going back to your old life. Ever. There’s no escape once you’re with me. Are you willing to do this?”

“Yes. Under the conditions described.”

“One more condition from my side.”

“I thought your conditions were already tough enough. What is it?”

“I will let Ren know.”

“Let him know what?”

“That you are with me.”

“I’m surprised you’d put yourself willingly at such risk,” Mara says calmly. “He’ll start looking for you. If you lie low, he’ll never even learn of your existence.”

“I want him to agonise over the thought that you are with me.”

“Such a petty wish. And besides, wouldn’t he agonise more if he thought me dead and spent the rest of his life looking for any trace of me?”

Arn-Seth laughs out loudly, reaches out and pats her arm. She does not move away.

“I’ll make a dark-sider of you yet! What an interesting little woman you are. I could perhaps fall in love with you one day.”

“I thought,” Mara says slowly, “that this was precisely the point.”

He stops laughing and watches her again with narrowed eyes.

“This is what we are supposed to be for each other, aren’t we?” she asks. “If I’m to stay with you, we’re going to be lovers. How could it be any different? Isn’t it what you had in mind when you proposed this?”

“You seem strangely reconciled to the thought. A sudden change of heart?”

“Would you rather have me against my will?”

“No. I told you I’m not like him.”

“So? Are you going to woo me properly this time?”

Arn-Seth is silent, frowning at her. Mara laughs.

“Or was it all just talking?” she teases. “In politics, after you make a deal, you have to celebrate it. With a state dinner or a ball, for example. But a deal like the one we have made should be celebrated differently.”

He remains quiet, so she gestures towards the cottage.

“Shall we? Or do you want to wait until we’re in your base? Somehow I don’t think it’s a very romantic place, and I suppose it will take us a few days to get there anyway.”

Arn-Seth smirks.

“You certainly don’t waste your time, princess Mara.”

“Oh, but I’m not always like this. In certain circumstances, I like to take my time.”

“This is not going to be a problem,” he says, bringing his face so close to hers he’s almost brushing his lips against her mouth. “You will see I know how to take my time with a lady.”

“You didn’t seem inclined to treat me like a lady last time.”

“And?” he asks, pulling her closer to him and enclosing her waist with his arms. He lowers his head to her neck and grazes her skin with his teeth. Mara shudders. “You can’t say you didn’t like it, can you?”

“No, I can’t.”

“I was rude because you made me,” he murmurs, kissing down her neck and opening the top buttons of her dress. He sucks a place just above her collarbone and Mara hisses. This will leave a trace. “But there will be no need of that again if you don’t give me bad surprises. If you behave, you have no reason to be afraid of me. And I will think of your pleasure, I assure you.”

“Show me then,” she whispers and closes her eyes.

* * *

“Launching the probes,” M’biren says and presses the button. They have entered Krant’s atmosphere. It was more difficult than they had anticipated, and they had to turn back from their first itinerary. The electromagnetic current was too strong; it disabled the ship’s instruments – only for a moment, now and then, but losing control of the shuttle every few minutes, even just for a few seconds, was much too dangerous. After half an hour, they decided to turn back and try to get to the planet through the rings of debris.

They had to use the Force, but it wasn’t possible just to immobilize all the debris out there and sail around it, like they did on Kothlis. There was simply too much of it, whole clouds of small pieces that they could not avoid hitting, and could only hope the shields would withstand the constant battering. As for the big chunks, even with Kylo and all the Knights working together, they only barely avoided quite a few catastrophic collisions. It took one standard hour to get through, at a reduced speed, and with a lot of violent swerving. It was a bumpy ride and the morale was low at the end of it as it became clear the return trip would be extremely risky.

“It will take months and cost a fortune to open the way through this debris for bigger rescue ships to come and evacuate the planet,” Djawan comments to M’biren in a low voice once they are safely on the other side and the probes are launched into the atmosphere.

“We’re not there yet. Let’s just try to survive this first.”

“So what will those new probes give us?” Sansena asks. “What are you looking for?”

“Weapons, mainly,” Kylo says. “Military bases, chemical facilities, anything that could help us find this guy. We land somewhere inconspicuous and wait for a few hours as they scan the surface and send us footage.”

“And what do we do if they don’t find anything?”

“We move to the base where the Resistance people live, and we talk to them. Maybe they know something. Then we go into the forest and find the Sith temple.”

“No significant damages to the ship,” M’biren reports, surveying the dashboard. They’ve been hanging above the clouds, cloaked, while he has been inspecting the systems. “We can start the approach. The probes indicate a huge grass plain east of the main city, far out, where nobody should notice our landing.”

Kylo nods, staring absently through the viewport, and as the shuttle moves, they all sit in silence for the next minutes, each deep in their own thoughts. They took turns piloting through the rings; now that the main danger is over, M’biren is in charge.

The shrill noise that suddenly breaks the silence makes them all jump. Nothing is flashing on the dashboard and yet there is a clear emergency sound of the most irritating high pitch.

“Shut this down!” Tw’oorah bellows at M’biren.

“It’s not the ship,” M’biren frowns. “Everything is in order –”

“It’s my comlink,” Kylo says.

“I thought comms weren’t working –” Djawan starts but falls silent as they all look at Kylo, who is sitting still, his face white as a sheet, the comlink on his wrist emitting the maddening sound. He is staring at it as if he saw a ghost.

“Now?” he stammers. “Why now? Why here?”

“Kylo,” Sansena says. “What it this? Speak to us.”

“It’s the probes,” M’biren replies quietly. “They have detected matter from Mara’s ship. I have the coordinates of what they have found coming in right now.”

“What?” Sansena asks, bewildered. Everyone looks stunned. “How? Here? The probes we’ve just sent into the atmosphere?”

“Follow the coordinates,” Kylo orders and M’biren changes the course. Kylo switches his comlink off, stands up and goes to the viewport, through which only thick clouds can be seen.

“How can this be?” Djawan says. “I don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand either,” Kylo replies, with his back to them.

“The Resistance, and the attacker, and Mara’s ship, all on Krant?” Sansena blurts out angrily. “Is this all a manipulation? Has the Jedi led us into a trap?”

“Rey wouldn’t lie to me,” Kylo says quietly. “Though she might not know what her friends were doing. It’s too much to be a coincidence. Some of it might be, but not all of it.”

“We’re above the site now,” M’biren interrupts. “Approaching.”

They come out of the clouds and descend towards the surface. It’s kilometres away and they can’t see anything at first, but soon the view becomes better. Silence falls as they come closer and closer to what seems to be a large meadow at the edge of a forest, covered with black spots. As they come down even lower, now only a kilometer or so above the surface, it becomes clear what this is, and all except for M’biren leave their seats and jump to the viewport –

Kylo howls.

The meadow below them is a giant crash site covered in black metal debris, which is unmistakably what remains of Mara’s shuttle.

* * *

In the cottage, he waves his hand and the door to another room opens from the main space. It’s his bedroom. It’s really happening.

Does she have the strength to do this?

Does she know how?

She can feel a slight pressure against her mind and whirls on him.

“Stop this,” she says firmly. “No more of this. Ever.”

He’s slightly taken aback by her violence.

“You’re determined to keep secrets from me, then?”

“Yes,” Mara says. “Everyone can keep secrets. Everyone’s mind is their own. I don’t have access to your mind, why should you have access to mine? It’s not fair. You said you didn’t want a slave.”

“I need to know you’re not planning anything.”

Mara laughs.

“Planning what? To change my mind and let you blow up the galaxy? To destroy your weapons, steal a ship from your military base and run? Just be serious for a moment. Be so kind as to leave my thoughts to me, or we won’t be good friends.”

The pressure is withdrawn from her mind and Mara breathes relief.

“Enough talking,” he says and encloses her in his arms.

The kiss is long and good, if slightly rough. He certainly knows what he’s doing. He kneads her breast with an impatient hand and it hurts a little, just like all his caresses. Everything is on the verge of pain. She imagines that’s how it would feel if he were inside her, pounding her into the bed she can see through the ajar door.

_You can do this._

She lets him steer her into the bedroom. He turns her around and presses against her back; then, before she realizes what he’s doing, he pushes her onto the bed, face down, and climbs on top of her. He grabs her hair, pushes it aside and covers the nape of her neck in hot kisses. His other hand goes under her dress and climbs towards her thighs.

_No no no no. Not like this._

“I want to see your face,” she murmurs. “At least at first… then we can go wild… but the first time, I want to see your face.”

“You want my face or his?” he whispers and bites her neck again. “Who do you want me to look like?”

“No, not like him. I want to see you.”

He raises himself slightly on his elbow and flips her over onto her back, then pushes her dress up to her thighs and settles between her legs, which he spreads with his knees.

_Soon._

Does she have the strength?

Does she know how to do it?

Will it work?

“Not so fast,” she whispers. “I thought we’d be taking our time.”

He smiles against her lips.

“Don’t worry,” he mutters. “I’ll make it good for you. Just let go.”

He pushes his tongue into her mouth and they’re kissing for a long moment while he rolls his hips against her. She puts her arms around his neck, caresses his hair and moans under him.

“So compliant, so soft,” he purrs, lifting his head to look at her. “I can’t wait to see how soft and wet you are inside.”

 _Now_. _Or it will be too late._

_You can do this._

With her right hand, Mara whips the vibro-shiv knife, a gift from Armitage Hux, out of her left sleeve. Arn-Seth feels the movement behind his neck and frowns, looking down at her, but there’s no time for him to turn around and look, positioned as he is, on top of her, his head inclined downwards –

She holds the knife firmly as she brings her right arm between them and, with one deep slash – slow enough for the vibroblade to cause maximum harm, but not as slow as to give him a chance to grab her hand – she slits his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this sudden gory violence shocked anyone; this book is darker than Part 1. This is not the end of violence, but I promise there will be much better times, too.


	12. The reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kylo and Mara’s meeting doesn’t go the way Kylo thinks

“She’s dead, isn’t she?” Kylo asks.

The field they’re walking on is covered with metal debris. In the course of three months nature has started to take over; various plants and mosses are growing over the remains of what looks like a catastrophic crash. There are many questions, but they are all so shocked and overwhelmed that nobody speaks for a long time. It’s windy and cloudy; as Kylo stops, his cloak swirls around him and his hair constantly gets into his face, but he doesn’t make any effort to move it aside.

“We don’t know that,” Djawan says. “Not until we see the body. There are no bodies here.”

“You think anyone could have survived this?” Kylo asks, gesturing to the landscape around. “Have you seen the spread of the debris? And half of the forest’s canopy mowed down? Looks like it was a free fall.”

“I am with Djawan on this, Kylo,” M’biren states. “We just don’t know. I suggest we go and see the Resistance. Their base is just a few kilometres west from here. They must know what happened. There’s no way they didn’t notice the crash, close as they are.”

“Yeah, let’s go see them,” Tw’oorah speaks. “Those fuckers sure as hell have a lot of explaining to do. How could she crash here? How was she even here? Fucking hell if this is not strange. The Jedi coming to talk to us about some mysterious dark sider we’ve never heard of, that just happens to be on the same planet as her Resistance friends? And now we’re finding this?”

“The planet is strong with the Force,” Kylo says absent-mindedly. “I can feel it. You can feel it. And the Force is dark here. But I detect no signature of the person Rey talked about.”

 “Rey did say his signature remained masked for most of the time,” reminds M’biren calmly.

“Maybe she said that just so we don’t get suspicious too quickly!” Sansena explodes. “Maybe it’s all a lie, and her friends are preparing a trap!”

“They could have lured Mara over here. Say her ship got damaged in the explosion, her pilot jumped to lightspeed and came out of hyperspace here, he was broadcasting on an emergency channel, they heard him, dragged him here and shot the ship down,” Djawan says.

M’biren sighs, turning in his fingers a piece of metal he has picked up.

“All these fantastic theories won’t help us,” he remarks. “We must find them and talk to them first.”

“If these Resistance fuckers did something to Mara and the pilots –” Sansena starts but M’biren frowns at her and she falls silent. This is enough. Or it is already too much. It will push Kylo over the edge.

 “I should have killed them all on Crait,” Kylo speaks in a strange voice that makes them shudder. “I should have known better than to let them escape. You kill your enemies, or they come back to haunt you. There is no forgiving and forgetting. I should have left no survivors. Just like we did at Skywalker’s academy.”

“We went too far at Skywalker’s academy, Kylo,” M’biren says quietly. “We have all acknowledged that.”

“Too far?” Kylo asks, not looking up at him. “See what happens when you don’t go far enough. See if you like it better.”

“Speaking of killing the scum and leaving no survivors,” Tw’oorah barks, looking at Kylo, “There’s no time like the present.”

* * *

“Poe!” Kaydel shrieks, running towards him from around the corner of the building. “We have visitors!”

It’s just before sunset; they have been sitting outside the base as usual, lounging on the grass, but now everyone slowly starts to get back to the building. It’s a windy and cloudy though warm afternoon. The rings of debris orbiting Krant cannot be seen through the clouds and for a few hours, everything looks the way it used to. They have been able to forget they’re prisoners here.

“What?” Poe says, thrown out of his lazy reverie brutally; some others, about to enter the building, stop in their tracks at Kaydel’s panicked tone of voice.

“A ship incoming!” she shouts, and this finally gets Poe to react. He draws his blaster – even though the war is over, they never leave their weapons behind – and looks around to see Finn and some others do the same.

“What exactly did you see, Connix?”

“A New Order ship preparing to land in front of our main entrance,” she says, white as a sheet. “A bat-winged shuttle. Upsilon-class. Very much like –”

“It’s him,” Finn says. “This is his ship. Kylo Ren is coming to get Mara. Where is she?”

“She’s out, walking in the forest,” Poe says, his teeth clenched.

“Oh great,” Finn shouts, now visibly nervous. “He’ll just kill us all!”

“Why should he kill us?” Rose shouts too as the anxiety starts to spread at the very mention of Kylo Ren’s name. “We’re her friends. We took her in!”

“Calm down, Finn,” Poe says resolutely though his hand holding the blaster is trembling. “This is good! They actually managed to get through the debris, they found us! There is nothing to worry about. We’ll tell him she’s here, and he’ll wait. Or we’ll all go to look for her.”

“Kylo Ren doesn’t wait, he just whips out his lightsaber!” Finn yells. “And maybe his four crazy friends Mara talked about are with him! Get the blasters ready!”

“Yes,” Poe says calmly, “Get the blasters ready. But don’t attack unless they do. There’s no reason for anyone to attack. We have what he wants. She has come to no harm here. On the contrary, we helped her.”

“Well, for the time being she’s not here to confirm our story,” Kaydel says and grips her blaster more firmly.

This is ridiculous, Poe thinks as he looks expectantly towards the corner of the building from behind which Kaydel emerged two minutes ago. Ren’s arrival shouldn’t even come as a surprise; after all, they knew Ren would look for Mara, even if they didn’t really believe he’d find her so soon. So yes, it is a bit of a surprise, but all in all, it should be a rather pleasant one, Kylo Ren or not. Because at least, someone has found them. And if Mara happened to be present, their initial panic would quickly subside, and the atmosphere would be very different. As things stand, however, with Mara away on a walk, Ren’s arrival is untimely. It could quickly degenerate if he demands to see her and they can’t produce her.

But it’s not even that they need any logical reason to be afraid. It’s just that Kylo Ren still elicits paralysing fear. Apparently. Even almost two years after the war – which he himself ended, displaying a surprising amount of good will – at the mention of his name, all of a sudden, old wounds reopen, and old fears resurface. Poe remembers his own terror and a very real, physical pain he felt when Kylo Ren was tearing information out of his mind. In Finn’s scared eyes, Poe can see Kylo Ren stalking Finn in the Starkiller forest like a predator hunting prey. And they both remember Ren ordering a furious attack against their meagre forces on Crait, over and over again, until they were down to thirty broken people –

There is a sound of steps, armour clattering, getting closer and louder. Nothing prevents intruders from entering the base. There are no fences, no armed guards here. It’s not the war anymore, and normal people don’t have guards posted in front of their houses. All the former Resistance fighters can do is to hold their blasters at the ready, careful not to point them at the direction from which the steps are coming because that in itself could be read as an act of hostility –

Then, a series of other, strange sounds. Crackling, sizzling, low sounds that reverberate a few times.

“Lightsabers,” Finn whispers to Poe.

When five black figures flow into the garden and unfurl in a demi-circle, cornering Poe and the others against the building, it’s even worse than Poe imagined. The visitors are clad in full combat attire, complete with masks, and they’re in hostile posture, each holding a crimson blade. One of them must be a Twi’lek; his lekku is covered by intricate head armour. Their capes are billowing around them in the wind and as they advance, all the old Resistance members raise their blasters, ready to shoot.

“Where is she?!” a tall black figure in the middle of the demi-circle hisses and it’s the voice both Finn and Poe still hear in their nightmares. “What have you done with her? We saw the wreck of her ship! We know she was here.”

Poe tries but can’t speak. As memories gush back, he is momentarily petrified.

“Speak or I’ll burn this place to the ground!” Kylo Ren yells. He’s in front of Poe now, less than a metre separating them, and Poe suddenly gets out of his trance and opens his mouth, but Rose is faster.

“Mara is here!” Rose shouts and lowers her blaster. “She’s fine, she’s safe! She’s been staying with us for three months! I swear she’s ok!”

“Oh yeah? So where is she?!” barks furiously another of the black ghosts, in a female voice.

“She’s gone out,” Rose explains bravely, though Poe can see – and hear – how shaken she is. “But she often goes out alone and always comes back in the evening. Let’s just all calm down and wait.”

“You’re lying,” hisses another voice and the alien with strange head armour steps forward, stalking Rose.

Ren extends his hand and Rose bends in two, holding her head with both hands and wincing. Finn bolts towards her but another black figure, the tallest one, grabs him by the shoulder. They start to wrestle, everyone screams, and it will end badly for Finn –

“Silence,” Kylo Ren utters in an icy voice and all the Resistance people freeze. Literally. Poe can’t move any part of his body, except for his head. The blasters fall from their immobile hands. Rose drops onto the ground but starts to scramble to her feet, apparently the only one able to move.

“She’s telling the truth,” Ren says slowly.

“Kylo?” the female voice from behind one of the masks speaks uncertainly.

“Of course she’s telling the truth!” Poe shouts. “Get out of her head, you asshole! You’re hurting her! Let us go!”

Kylo Ren remains motionless and silent for a moment, then waves his hand and they all stagger as full command of their bodies returns.

There is a moment of very awkward, almost panicked silence.

Then Kylo Ren extinguishes his lightsaber, clips it to his belt and presses on both sides of his mask, which hisses open.

When he takes it off, it somehow gets better. Not that Poe is happy to see his face but it’s better than to see the mask. Kylo Ren looks more or less like he remembers him from the peace talks they held before signing the ceasefire agreement. Same hair, same sickly pale complexion, same darkness in and under his eyes. Only now he appears wilder – more like on Crait – his hair longer and tangled, and he has grown a scanty beard and moustache, which somehow makes him look madder. Older, too, perhaps. Mara told them Ren got suntanned on Chandrila where they lived together. She repeated many times he looked so healthy they wouldn’t even recognize him. And yet Poe recognizes Kylo Ren without any trouble, which doesn’t mean Mara lied. It’s just that her disappearance must have put Ren back into the same darkness from which she had pulled him.

Kylo’s cold eyes wander from Finn to Poe to Rose.

“She’s alive?” he repeats in a broken voice, totally not matching his threatening general appearance and hostile face expression.

“Yes,” Rose assures him. “My name is Rose, by the way. I don’t think we’ve met.”

Kylo gazes at her for a moment with what looks like stunned amazement.

“Hello, Rose,” says one of the black figures flanking Kylo Ren. He extinguishes his lightsaber and takes off his mask. Under it, there’s a normal looking young man, not a monster. The other Knights follow suit. The Resistance members gasp at the Twi’lek with cold yellow eyes, then a black giant with a death stare. There’s one woman, too, and she looks like it’s not a good idea to mess with her. They all look pissed off in varying degrees, with the Twi’lek being the most agitated.

Everyone is eyeing one another. Nobody speaks. Until Kylo shifts.

“Rose,” he says. “FN. Dameron.”

He nods in what could be interpreted as a grumpy greeting.

“It’s Finn,” shoots Finn angrily.

“Why didn’t you say anything at first?” the female Knight barks. “You stood there like some dumb sheep, with your blasters pointed at us, ready to be butchered.”

“Perhaps you don’t realise, but you’re all quite scary,” Rose explains calmly, “with those masks and swords. Maybe you should see yourselves in the mirror sometimes.”

The woman shrugs.

“We like the look.”

“All right,” Finn says slowly, putting his palms up in a calming and peaceful gesture. “How about we all sit down and wait for Mara? Do you guys want to drink something?”

“Do you have any Correllian whisky?” the nice young Knight inquires. The female Knight shoots him a look that could kill but he shrugs.

“Ok,” says Kaydel. “I’ll get the whisky. Please, everyone, get inside and sit down.”

* * *

When the whisky, caf and water, as well as a few platters of small snacks are on the table in the small common room opening to the garden, and they’re all seated around it and everyone has introduced themselves, Kylo looks expectantly at Poe. There are only ten of them in the room: the five newcomers, the four former Resistance fighters and the doctor, Poe having sent everyone else away. He guessed Ren wouldn’t like a bunch of complete strangers to listen to this conversation, but it’s not just a courtesy to the guests; he also knows he won’t get any information out of Ren with too many witnesses around.

“Mara is here,” Poe confirms again. “And she’s fine.”

“How?” asks Kylo.

“She said her pilot jumped to lightspeed after the ship got hit close to Bothawui but the hyperdrive malfunctioned and they dropped out of hyperspace here. I can tell you that was some goddamn amazing pilot she had. There must have been a cloud of debris forming out there, and he managed to manoeuvre around it all to enter the atmosphere. But the ship got badly damaged and in the end it crashed. Both pilots died.”

“And you found her?”

“We saw the crash from far away. When we arrived, the pilots were already dead but she was breathing. She was bleeding and had serious injuries but she regained consciousness. She had to have a surgery and spent a week in our bacta tank.”

“What injuries? What surgery?” Kylo asks in a small voice.

“Various internal injuries, on top of a broken leg,” a woman standing behind Poe says. “I’m Merya. I’m the doctor who operated on her.”

“Did you know who she was?” Kylo asks, lowering his eyes.

“Yeah, we knew,” Finn replies. “Anyway, her very first words when we found her were to comm you. Which we couldn’t do because comms don’t work.”

“Did she suffer a lot?”

“We did our best to ease her suffering,” Merya assures him. “But this is all in the past. She’s one hundred percent recovered now, I promise you.”

Kylo Ren runs his hand through his hair and doesn’t say anything. He stares at the table.

“Listen,” he says in the end, a bit less stiffly, addressing Poe. “When she comes back and I can confirm this with her… There is no limit to how I will reward you all for taking her in and looking after her.”

“It wasn’t for a reward,” Finn cuts him off. “We weren’t even sure you’d ever find us. We could have spent the rest of our lives here, behind this debris clouds, without any contact with the rest of the galaxy. Mara was afraid of that. She was afraid you would think she died in the explosion and you wouldn’t even look for her.”

“I have looked for her non-stop for three months,” Ren says slowly. “But I didn’t expect to find her here. We came here for another reason.”

“So what actually happened out there?” Poe asks. “Was it a supernova? A comet? Or an attack?”

“It was an attack,” the yellow-eyed Twi’lek, whom Ren introduced earlier as Tw’oorah, says coldly. He’s the only one who hasn’t touched any drink or food on the table. “You don’t know that?”

“How could we know?” Finn frowns. “Haven’t you noticed we’re cut off?”

“And you’ve heard nothing?” the alien continues. “Nobody has spoken to you?”

“What are you getting at?” Poe asks. “Why did you come to Krant, by the way, if not for Mara?”

“Do you know of a Force user who lives here?” Kylo Ren asks. He and the four Knights exchange looks which tell Poe something is terribly wrong here. Bad news is coming.

“A Force user? No. Rey came here a few times to visit us. But she didn’t mention another Force user. She’d know, wouldn’t she?”

 “It’s Rey who told me about him,” Ren says. “She flew onto our ship a few days ago to tell us to come here and find him.”

“Rey came to you?” Finn asks, dumbfounded. “To talk about some Force guy? She never mentioned him to us.”

“Don’t tell them anything, Kylo,” the Twi’lek barks. “It still might be a trap.”

“They obviously don’t know anything, Tw’oorah,” the black Knight – M’biren – retorts somewhat impatiently.

“Who is behind the attack?” Poe asks, frowning. He understands very little of it all. “And what was the target? Was it close to Krant?”

Ren shakes his head.

“It wasn’t just one world.”

“Do you know of a Sith temple on Krant?” the Twi’lek interrupts, his cold yellow eyes drilling into Poe’s very soul. It’s impossible not to shiver under that stare.

“There’s an old temple in the forest some kilometres away from here,” Rose confirms. “But we’ve never been there.”

“The forest where you said Mara goes for walks?” the Twi’lek hisses.

There is a moment of confused silence, the Resistance members looking at each other, puzzled. Kylo Ren starts to speak –

“I think Mara is back!” Rose shouts, pointing to the high windows opening onto the lawn. It’s just after sunset and it’s getting grey outside but not completely dark yet. They all look in that direction and there is indeed a female silhouette approaching the base from the forest’s side. She steps into the wide circle of light provided by the lamp fixed above the entrance door.

It is Mara. And she is covered in blood, from her head to her toes.

* * *

Finn watches, bewildered, as Mara pushes the transparisteel door and enters the room. Everyone is on their feet now, facing her.

Her clothes are soaked with blood to the extent it’s impossible to say what colour they used to be. There is blood in her hair, as if she had dyed it red. It is smeared all over her face, too, as if she had tried to wipe it off without any water.

But the worst are her eyes – wild and glazed over at the same time. However, she gets immediately alert when she spots them all. She freezes, her eyes darting between all the people present and lingering on Ren.

Everyone starts to speak, or rather yell, at the same time, moving towards her, but Mara screams and extends her hand, ordering them to stay away. And all of a sudden there is silence.

“Mara!” Kylo Ren speaks frantically. “What happened? Are you injured?”

She stares at him with a blank face, and then, slowly, an emotion appears on it. It’s fury. She’s furious, she bares her teeth at him and takes a step back. But he moves closer and extends his arms to her.

“Let me help you. You’re hurt –”

“I’m not hurt,” she hisses, and Finn opens his eyes wide because he has never heard Mara speak in such a voice. Never seen her look like this, either: like a hunted, angry, scared animal, ready to bite and fight for her life.

Her eyes narrow, inspecting the room again, her gaze stopping for a moment on the faces of each of the four Knights, then sliding over Poe, Finn, Rose, Merya and Kaydel, before returning to Ren.

“Mara,” Ren repeats, “I’ve come for you. Won’t you let me hold you?”

“Don’t you come any closer,” she bellows and whips out a knife. It’s a small vibroblade, covered in dried blood.

“What’s going on?” Kylo Ren shouts, visibly bewildered. “Why are you threatening me with a knife? What happened?”

She doesn’t respond and doesn’t budge.

“Mara, it’s ok,” Finn says and she looks at him, which is good. “They’re not here to harm you. It’s all fine. Will you put the knife down?”

“It’s a trap, Finn,” Mara yells. “They’re not who they say they are! This is not who you think!”

“What?” the young Knight, Djawan, says in confusion. Kylo looks stunned. Finn quickly glances at Poe, but Poe shakes his head; he clearly thinks Mara is disturbed.

Is she? How can they tell?

“I don’t know how you’re doing this,” Mara hisses to Kylo, “and how you managed to survive. And why don’t you show your real face?”

“Someone has been confusing her, Kylo,” says Tw’oorah from behind Ren. “Ask her. Ask her who she met in that forest.”

“Throw me your glove,” Mara demands.

“What?” Kylo stammers.

“Give it to me. No, better your cowl. Pass it to her,” she indicates Rose. “Now.”

After a long moment of silence, during which everyone stares at one another in amazement, Kylo slowly picks up his black cowl from a chair and passes it to Rose, who hands it to Mara. Mara brings the piece of clothing to her face and smells it.

“What the hell is going on here?” Finn asks Djawan in a low voice but the Knight shakes his head, looking equally ignorant. “What is she doing?”

Mara drops her hand and looks at Kylo.

“One thing he couldn’t do was your smell,” she says slowly.

Nobody speaks. She puts her dirty knife into her sleeve and stands there in silence.

“It’s really you,” she utters. But there is no joy, no enthusiasm, either in her voice or in her eyes.

“Ok,” Poe says, glancing at Ren. “We’re making progress here. The knife is not out anymore, and we’re sure Kylo Ren is Kylo Ren. Now, Mara, let us help you, please sit down –”

“Be quiet, Poe,” Mara says, still watching Kylo like a hawk. “You don’t understand anything.”

“I don’t understand anything, either,” Ren retorts. “I’ve come to get you, Mara. We will go home.”

“You’ve come too late!” Mara bellows, whirling on him fiercely and jerking towards him, as if daring him to stand up to her. Her face is now only centimetres from his, but he doesn't budge, his eyes fixed on her.

“Let me help you,” he pleads, taking hold of her arm gently. “Let me wash this blood off your face. Please, Mara.”

“Leave me alone!” she yells, wrenching her arm from his grip. Then she backhands him so violently he actually staggers to the side and moans in pain.

In an instant Finn jumps forward, positioning himself between them, his back toward her, his arms outstretched, ready to defend her if necessary. He doesn’t understand anything, but never mind; he won’t let him kill her, and he surely will try to kill her now, he’s Kylo Ren, and she’s just hit him –

Apparently two of his own Knights, M’biren and Tw’oorah, have a similar reflex because they also jump in front of Kylo, preventing him from reaching Mara. The atmosphere in the room is electric.

“No need,” Kylo Ren croaks. “Move, you idiots. I won’t hurt her.”

But Finn keeps standing there, just in case, and watches Ren raise his hand to his face and touch his lip. It’s split and blood is trickling from it. Ren stares at his fingers for a moment in silence, then looks up at Mara again and waves the three men away angrily. Finn hesitates but Poe gives him a sign, so finally he moves to the side.

“Tell me what happened,” Ren says to Mara and even now, even after she attacked him viciously, he doesn’t sound like the Kylo Ren Finn knew. Mara, in the meantime, is shaking.

“You’ve come too late!” she repeats, sobbing. “I had to clean up your mess! I had no choice! I had to deal with him!”

“What are you talking about?” Kylo Ren explodes, finally so frustrated that he loses his self-control and stomps his foot, out of helpless rage. He is also shaking now with suppressed emotion, his mouth bleeding, and he is a terrible sight to behold, looming over her, but Mara doesn’t flinch. “Who hurt you? Whose blood is it?”

She bursts out crying, whirls around and runs away into the corridor. A door hisses open, then shuts after her. Then silence.

“What has just happened?” the female Knight, Sansena, asks as everyone stands there, speechless.

“She had a bad encounter,” Tw’oorah says. “I bet it’s our guy.”

“Kylo,” M’biren, the black giant, speaks quietly. “Mara needs to tell us what happened. We can’t wait. We might all be in danger –”

“What danger?” Poe interjects.

“Later,” Tw’oorah barks.

Rose touches Kylo’s elbow and Finn’s heart jumps, in case Ren hurts her. There’s no telling what might happen. Ren must be blind with rage.

“Here,” Rose says, handing him a wet cloth. “You’re bleeding.”

He looks at the small woman in front of him and nods slightly.

“Thank you,” he says, taking the cloth and pressing it to his mouth.

“Sit down,” Rose pleads, but he shakes his head.

“M’biren is right. I need to go and talk to her. She might be hurt. She’s not herself, she shouldn't be left alone.”

“I have a suggestion,” Rose starts hesitatingly, standing in front of him and barring the exit to the corridor, and Finn holds his breath again. “I understand how you feel, but perhaps you could let me go instead? Something terrible has happened and for some reason Mara reacts nervously to you. She’s in shock. Maybe you could wait a bit before you see her?”

Kylo shifts on his feet, clearly pained, but doesn’t say anything.

“That’s a good idea,” Sansena says. “If you agree, Kylo, I’ll go with her. And the doctor should come, too. Mara needs help to clean up, and we’ll check if she’s not hurt. We’ll try to talk to her.”

“Go,” he utters wearily, after a long moment of silence. When they leave the room, he sits on a chair, his head down, propped up by his hands.

“Look, there is surely an explanation for all of that,” Poe says slowly.

“Maybe you can explain why she is in this state, after you told us she was fine?” Tw’oorah hisses at him. “And why is she so hostile toward Kylo? What lies did you tell her?”

“She _was_ fine. Nothing like this has ever happened before. And this behavior… it’s completely out of character for her. She wouldn’t attack anyone like that, and it certainly makes no sense she’d do it to him,” Poe gestures towards Kylo. “We know how she feels about him. She told us many times.”

“She did?” Ren asks, raising his head.

“Yeah. And it hasn’t changed, not after everything we had to say about you, and I assure you we didn’t even need to invent any lies,” Poe says sarcastically. “So, something really bad must have happened.”

“Maybe something bad has been happening to her for some time, but you haven’t noticed?” M’biren asks quietly.

“She has been out of sorts for a few days,” Kaydel admits. “But when we inquired, she just said she was getting desperate to get out of here. Everyone felt the same. We didn’t suspect anything…”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Kylo says blankly. “It only matters as far as her well-being is concerned.”

“Whatever happened, she seemed to be implying it was your fault, which is weird,” Djawan says, frowning. “And what was it with this smelling of things?”

“No idea. We won’t guess. We have to wait until she tells us.”

“So, now,” Finn says firmly, “is the good time to tell us everything. What exactly happened three months ago, what is this danger you’re talking about, and why you want to find this Force guy so much.”

* * *

When M’biren finishes talking, it’s so overwhelming that he is met only with a stunned silence.

An attack. Maybe another one in the works. Billions of people dead. Gigantic destruction. And this guy, here? Why? All this time?

“But you don’t know if he’s the guy behind the attack,” Poe finally comments. “That’s just wishful thinking. What if he’s completely unrelated?”

“This is all we have,” Kylo Ren says. “We have no other lead.”

“All this can’t be a coincidence,” M’biren remarks calmly. Finn starts to like the guy; he seems the most reasonable of them all, though Djawan is also rather ok. It’s the Twi’lek with the yellow eyes – a Sith, then? – who seems truly vicious, and he keeps watching Finn and Poe in a very unsettling manner.

“You being here, cut off after the attack; Mara being here, victim of a crash after the attack; and suddenly a mysterious dark Force user showing up,” M’biren enumerates methodically. “This can’t all be by chance. There must be a link. Your friend Rey thought the same.”

“I have no idea what the link between us and the rest of it can be,” Poe says, looking at Kylo Ren. “Look, I’m really trying to help you here. I literally have no idea. As far as I know, Mara crashed here by chance. And we have had no encounter with this guy, if he really exists.”

“Maybe he doesn’t exist anymore,” Finn points out. “Maybe Mara killed him? It’s not her own blood that she had on her.”

Ren shakes his head.

“How?” he asks, looking into Finn’s eyes. “How would she kill a trained Force user? With her little knife? She has never killed anyone. She can’t fight.”

As for the knife, Finn knows it. It’s not any of theirs. Mara had this knife on her when she crashed, hidden in her sleeve, and Merya found it while prepping Mara for surgery. They returned the knife to her later.

And now, Djawan explains it was Armitage Hux who gave it to Mara.

“That does sound like the kind of weapon General Hugs would favour,” Poe can’t restrain himself.

“Apparently he did a better job of teaching her how to defend herself than I did,” Kylo comments darkly.

They spend a few minutes in silence, until the three women come back from Mara’s room. Rose shakes her head when Finn looks at her expectantly.

“She was under the shower,” Sansena says, sitting down on a chair in front of Kylo. “Fully dressed. Clearly in a state of shock. We helped her undress and wash. There was so much blood,” she runs her hand through her hair. “But none of it hers. She has no open wounds.”

“She has fresh bruises around her neck, though,” Merya says carefully, looking at Kylo. “Someone clearly tried to strangle her.”

Ren looks up at her with such misery on his face that Finn catches himself sympathizing with the guy. This is a first, and there have been quite a few of those in the last two hours.

“She also… has a few other bruises, here and there,” Merya adds. “Nothing serious. It seems there aren’t any other injuries. She doesn’t complain of any pain.”

Kylo suddenly raises his head and looks at the doctor, then gets up from his chair.

“You asked?” he says. “You asked her… about everything?”

“Yes, Kylo,” Sansena replies, more gently than before. “We asked her about that, too. Of course we asked.”

“What did she say?” he groans, his fists clenching at his sides. It takes Finn a few seconds to understand what they’re talking about, and then, the horror of it. Ren is white as a sheet, but everyone else looks sick, too.

“I asked whether she had been sexually assaulted, and she said no,” Merya says. “I repeated the question a few times. I also offered to examine her, but she said there was no need.”

“You think she was telling the truth?” Ren asks, and his voice is shaking.

“I think so but I’d like to ask her again tomorrow, when she’s more lucid,” Merya answers quietly, and Ren takes a step back as if she punched him.

He sits back down on his chair, puts his head between his hands and starts sobbing.

Alarmed, Finn looks at Rose, then at Poe. Then they even exchange glances with the Knights of Ren, who seem equally distressed. This is something Finn would never think he’d see: Kylo Ren sobbing in the middle of their base, looking so miserable that suddenly it’s difficult to remember he’s a monster.

“We are with you, Kylo,” Tw’oorah says, his yellow eyes glinting furiously. “Whoever is responsible for this, they will die a very painful death. What else did she say, Sansena? Did you ask about the Force user?”

Sansena shakes her head.

“It was difficult to talk to her. She cried all the time, when we asked who did it to her, and what happened. Didn’t really say anything. She cried when we said Kylo was outside, ready to come to her if she wanted him. It’s like a dam opened inside of her. In the end, I had to press her. I said we needed to know if there was any danger. Then she said no.”

“She said there was no danger?” Kylo repeats.

“Yes. She said she took care of it.’”

“I had to give her an injection with a tranquillizer to get her to sleep,” Merya says, “She was becoming hysterical. It would have been a torture to keep her up any longer.”

“What are we doing, Kylo?” Djawan asks. “We should get out there and check what’s going on.”

“We need to go look for the guy,” Tw’oorah insists.

“I don’t want to go anywhere now,” Kylo says, wiping his eyes furiously. “We can take turns to watch over the base, to make sure nobody sneaks in. I don’t want to leave her. She might wake up and need me.”

Everyone is silent because this obviously isn’t the best course of action, but behind Ren’s back M’biren gives Tw’oorah a sign to shut up, and to Finn’s amazement the Twi’lek obeys.

“She won’t wake up until tomorrow morning,” Merya says gently. “Don’t worry. She will have a good rest. You should rest, too.”

“There’s a free bedroom just next to hers,” Finn speaks. “I suppose you’d prefer to sleep here, close to her, rather than on your shuttle? We and your Knights can watch the base until tomorrow morning.”

“I’ll stay right here, in this room,” Kylo insists. “So that if she leaves her bedroom I’ll see her. What if she gets up in the middle of the night, confused as she is, and there is nobody –”

“What I gave her will knock her out for at least ten hours,” Merya promises. “That means you’ll be of no use sticking around here all night. You need to go to sleep and be ready for whatever comes tomorrow.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, staring at the wall.

“It’s ok, man,” Finn speaks again. He can’t help it; he feels sorry for the guy, even if it’s the guy who split Finn’s back, almost killing him, and murdered his own father in front of Finn. “She’s alive. Think about it. Two hours ago you were convinced she was dead. Something terrible happened to her but she is alive and has no serious injuries. You will talk to her tomorrow. Let me show you your room now.”

Kylo Ren actually looks at him, listens, then nods and gets up.

“I apologize but we don’t have enough rooms for each of you, guys,” Rose says to the Knights. “If the three men could sleep in one bedroom on bunk beds, Sansena could get a single.”

“It’s ok,” Sansena says. “He’s my brother,” she gestures towards Djawan. “We’ll stay in one room, and M’biren and Tw’oorah can be together.”

“Oh good, for a moment she had me worried I’d have to share my room with Tw’oorah,” Poe says in a low voice to Finn, who stifles the laugh, feels guilty about laughing at all, and follows Kylo Ren into the corridor leading to bedrooms.

* * *

In the small and rather spartan room Finn shows him – hopefully the bed won’t be too short for Ren – Kylo turns around to face him.

“She’s in the room next to this?” he asks.

“Yes, on your left hand.”

“I won’t go there and disturb her,” Kylo says. “I just wanted to know.”

“Ok,” Finn replies. He’s not sure what else to say, but he feels he can’t leave just yet.

“It will be better tomorrow,” he offers in the end. “You’ll see.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Look, I know exactly how you feel,” Finn says.

“You do?”

“Yeah. I’m with Rose, and if I lost her in some mysterious explosion, and then saw her three months later in that state, covered in blood, possibly injured or raped… and if she then talked nonsense and punched me… I would go nuts. I would literally lose it. So I do imagine how you feel. And all in all, you’re keeping it together amazingly well. I feel horrible about this too, and she’s just a friend to me.”

“I wouldn’t have expected,” Ren utters stiffly, “you and Dameron to show such kindness to a person close to me.”

“Leia was a person close to you,” Finn says. “And we loved her. And Rey was – sort of – close to you too. It seems she still is, if she came to help you.”

Ren is silent, gazing at him with deep sadness in his eyes. This touches Finn’s heart despite everything – despite their history, despite the scar on his back, despite the fact that _this is still freaking Kylo Ren_. He can’t look at a man so deeply chagrined, a man so devoted to his beloved that her distress makes him cry in front of his old enemies – and not feel for him.

“We have all grown fond of Mara,” he offers. “One cannot help being fond of her.”

“Yes, I know,” Ren says, and there’s a trace of something – a smile? – on his face. It disappears fast, maybe because of the gravity of the situation, or maybe because it’s so uncanny, this conversation the two of them are having, as if they weren’t mortal enemies. As if they were on the same side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is not a happy chapter, but please don’t get discouraged. It's a serious, psychological story, with realistic character development - or at least this is what I am really trying to write. Terrible things have happened to and around Mara and Kylo; they’ve been changed by those things, and it takes time to recover and build anew from that. But hey, if you’re here for all the romance and sex and good times, so am I (and so is Mara!). Have faith, young padawans, and your patience will be rewarded.
> 
> Also, I wanted this chapter to be written from Finn’s and Poe’s point of view because for me, the dynamics between the ex-Resistance and Kylo Ren is one of the most interesting things in post-TLJ fanfictions, and something I’m looking forward to seeing in Episode IX in the course of Kylo’s redemption arc. How would Finn and Poe, and the others, view Kylo, what would they feel, how would their initial attitude to him slowly change? Could it change at all? 
> 
> The next chapter will be written from Mara’s and Kylo’s POVs. We will find out what exactly happened to Mara after we left her with Arn-Seth at the end of chapter 11.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think!


	13. The workings of darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which both Mara and Kylo succumb to Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: graphic descriptions of violence in this chapter

_ Blood. _

_ There was so much of it. How could there be so much blood in a human being? _

_ Hands on her throat. _

She wakes up with a start and claws at the suffocating weight on top of her. She wants to scream for help but can’t get enough air in her lungs to make a sound, and anyway help won’t be coming, she’s alone – 

When she finally emerges, there is nothing. She must have curled under the duvet and covered her head with it. She’s in her room on the base.

The dream – 

No, it wasn’t a dream. The events of yesterday are shrouded in red haze, but it wasn’t a dream. Her heart is drumming as images flash in her mind. 

_ Blood. _

She jerks up and looks around in panic. Nobody. Nothing. It’s daytime, the light seeping in through her curtains. The chronometer next to her bed shows ten o’clock.

_ KYLO. _

Kylo is here. Was here yesterday. Real Kylo, not that monster pretending to be him. How? Was _that_ a dream? It must have been. She must have been in a state of shock. She hallucinated.

But it seemed real. The Knights were there, too. Poe, Finn and the other Resistance people were with them, in the same room. And they all shouted at her, and she was afraid, but most of all, she was furious. She still feels very angry. 

_ Kylo has come for her. _

She didn’t register anything he said. She was furious and hit him, she wanted to hurt him, to tell him in one blow all the despair and horror of what happened to her, because she couldn’t use words. Why did he arrive yesterday of all days, why not a day earlier, a month earlier, a month later? It doesn’t make any sense.

She backhanded him. She remembers it now: the pain to her hand. She hit him with her knuckles, on the mouth. He bled. The sight of his blood, after – 

Why did she do that? It disgusts and horrifies her. She doesn’t know herself anymore, doesn’t know the person she has become. A violent murderer. A person who slits people’s throats and punches the man who loves her in the face. She hates herself. She dreads facing everyone after that. 

Maybe Kylo left. Maybe he got angry at her and left. She would deserve it.

But she just wasn’t sure. Yes, the cowl smelled of him, but after all this vortex of lies and tricks and apparitions she couldn’t be sure of anything. She was so shocked to see him, and still so full of anger, so full of darkness, after what happened earlier. She was hurting so much, and she hurt him in her turn. Maybe it was a twisted way of sharing her pain with him. Or of getting rid of it. 

But it didn’t help. It made it worse.

She falls back onto her pillows and closes her eyes. Her head is aching; they gave her something yesterday, she remembers the women helping her to undress under the shower. The never-ending streams of red. Sansena washing blood off Mara’s hair for minutes on end, as Mara stood there, shaking. No matter how many times her hair was rinsed, the water still came reddish. 

Sansena, and Rose, and Merya, so good to her. Stroking her shoulders, talking to her in a soothing way, wrapping her in towels, asking her whether she was not hurt. She cried and cried in front of them, it was somehow easier, maybe because they are women, or maybe just because they’re not Kylo. Kylo’s presence was too much, the despair in her heart when facing him too intense. 

She gets up slowly and goes to the bathroom. She spent half an hour showering last night but she’s not clean yet, she must have blood under her nails – 

She looks in the mirror and her reflection startles her. Her hair looks clean though it is a mess, but her neck is covered in dark bruises. The unmistakable traces of hands.

And suddenly, she remembers everything.

_ She slits his throat and his body jerks violently on top of her. He opens his mouth wide as if he was screaming – but it’s a scream of a mute person, a gurgle, no real sound comes out.  _

_ Blood gushes forth immediately. She wasn’t prepared for that; or rather, yes, that’s why she wanted him in that position, head down, so that he bleeds out before he has a chance to kill her, but she had no idea there would be so much of it. Rivers of blood are pouring out of him; he grabs his own throat, trying to stop it, but the blood flows through his fingers, and seconds later Mara’s face and chest are covered in the sticky, iron-smelling substance. Some of it falls into her mouth, she can taste it and she retches as she tries to shake him off, to flip him over onto his back and slide out from under him.  _

_ He can’t stop the bleeding anyway, unless the Force can somehow help him, because she has cut deep into his left carotid artery and his trachea, so that blood must be filling his lungs as well. After a short struggle he lets go of his throat, his eyes wild, his mute mouth moving in what must be a series of insults. He grabs her neck and both his hands, the real one and the mechanical one, tighten around it. _

_ Mara panics. He is becoming very heavy as he’s losing control of his body, so she’s trapped by his weight, and now he chokes her. His eyes are bloodshot, he bares his teeth and they’re bloodied too. He’s a horrible sight as life is flowing out of him, fast but not fast enough; his grip is meant to kill, and she claws at his hands wildly. She doesn’t have her knife anymore, she must have dropped it just after she made the slash. She can’t reach for it as she needs her both hands to try to detach his fingers from her throat. She wheezes, afraid he’ll crush her windpipe. It certainly feels this way; the pain is stronger than she’s ever felt in her life. _

_ And suddenly he changes appearance and it’s Kylo lying on top of her, Kylo’s blood flowing onto her face and into her open mouth as she gasps for air, Kylo’s hands squeezing her throat, Kylo’s face contorted in a wild smile of triumph as Arn-Seth is playing his last trick on her. His eyes tell her he’s going to take her with him, she’s coming with him just like she promised, to hell. _

_ She spreads her legs wider under him and digs her heels into the inner side of his knees, hitting him time after time, but he might not even be feeling any pain any more. She tries to jerk her hip upwards so as to use it as a leverage to turn to the side and get out from under his body, but it doesn’t work. He’s heavier and heavier, black spots cover her vision and suddenly she has no strength to fight him any more. Her hands fall to the sides as he continues to squeeze –  _

_  – and her right palm hits the handle of the knife lying next to her on the bed.  _

_ She closes her fingers around it, activates the vibroblade and drives it into his neck. There’s a small sickly crack as the knife goes in fully, tearing the flesh around it, and she drags it down, opening a huge gash. Arn-Seth convulses violently for a few seconds and then stills, his fingers loosening. More blood comes out, his head drops onto her face, and she passes out. _

_ *** _

_ When she comes to with a startled intake of breath, his hands are limp around her neck, his bloodied face buried in it. He doesn’t look like Kylo anymore. She doesn’t know how long it has been. Between the first cut and the passing out, it must have been only a few minutes. And now, it can’t be much later because he’s dead but he’s still bleeding. The blood trickles down their bodies and she feels she’s bathed in it. _

_ She takes a deep breath, then another one. Again, and again. It hurts. Her neck is in pain. Everything else in her body hurts, too. She takes his arm and slips it over her head to the other side of her body, then uses her free shoulder to turn slightly to her side and push against him. His body slides off of her by a few centimetres. She tries this a few times and finally she’s free, his dead weight slumped next to her. His eyes are wide open, a furious scowl on his face. This scowl, she realizes, was there all this time, under his smiles and smooth words and self-control. The loathing, the anger, the cruelty, all painted on his face now, were always there, buried under the surface.  _

_ The pool of blood on the bed underneath him is sickening. She is all covered in blood too, down to her ankles. She pulls away so violently that she falls onto the ground next to the bed, and crawls into the corner of the room. _

_ What now? _

_ She wipes the blood slowly off her face, and spits onto the ground because the metallic taste makes her nauseous. Her mind and body are shutting down out of exhaustion and shock, but she needs to get up and get away from the red mass on the bed, and from the stench of a dying animal pervading the room. _

_ She gets to her feet shakily. There’s no time to wash, change, she needs to leave. This place feels ominous, it feels like the danger is not over yet. _

_ She runs at first, until she realizes she’s lost. She doesn’t have her navigation device with her. She can’t remember whether she had forgotten to bring it, or had lost it. But she’s been walking in this forest for three months, so she continues for a quarter of an hour or so, before she finally finds a path she knows, and she follows it back to the base. She looks back a few times as it’s past sunset and it is getting grey, the noises of the forest changing. He is dead, isn’t he? She never checked the pulse. Even the Force can’t help you survive when your throat is slit, can it? _

_ Can it? _

_ She can see the base. Through the high windows, she spots people’s silhouettes in the common room overlooking the garden. The light is on. There will be questions. Never mind, she just wants to be there, to finally tell them everything, and maybe to ask them to go and check whether he’s really dead –  _

_ She pushes the entrance door and finds herself face to face with Arn-Seth again. He looks like Kylo, but has no trace of blood on him, and he’s very much alive. He has come after her, he has come here to kill everyone, then he will kill her and blow the galaxy up. All this effort, all the horror, for nothing.  _

_ She failed. _

_  *** _

And then, it turned out it was really Kylo, but she had no more strength left to be happy about it. She waited for this moment for three months: that she would enter the base one evening after her walk, or one morning she would wake up, and he would be there. She had imagined a star destroyer hovering in the sky above, or Kylo’s black shuttle parked on the lawn. And suddenly he was really there, and it was too late. Too much evil had happened, too many bad words had been said, too many people had died, and she was a murderer.

And now, standing in front of the mirror the morning after, she suddenly thinks that Arn-Seth can’t have been alone. On his base, there must be other people, awaiting his return, and if he doesn’t return, they might well launch the second attack. It might all have been agreed with him. She can’t prevent it – she doesn’t know where the base is. This is the one thing he didn’t tell her. So she didn’t stop anything and didn’t save anyone apart from herself. It was all in vain. 

Now she needs to go out there, to face Kylo and everyone else, and tell them what she did. 

Tell them she failed.

* * *

When Finn enters the common room at ten o’clock in the morning, he finds Kylo Ren in there, digging through the cupboards of the small kitchen area adjacent to the room. Ren glances at him and mumbles something that could pass for a greeting. 

Ren has somehow got a haircut. Yesterday his hair reached down to his shoulders and now it just frames his face the way he used to wear it when Finn knew him in the past. He’s also clean shaven and on the whole looking well-groomed. His eyes are still burning in his pale face, but he must have got some sleep because the dark circles are less pronounced, and he appears less wild.

“Did you cut your own hair?” Finn blurts out and Ren glares at him. 

“I picked up a droid from my shuttle last night,” he mutters, gets red and turns away, diving in the cupboard again. 

So he shaved and cut his hair for Mara? This seems to be the only explanation. 

“Looking for something?” Finn asks, deciding to change the subject.

“Tea. I thought I’d make Mara tea. She likes it in the morning.”

“Yeah, I know,” Finn says. “She has a few kinds of tea here. We got them in the city for her. They’re in this cupboard on your left.”

Ren glances at him briefly and turns away again.

“…thanks,” he mumbles.

“But she might still be asleep,” Finn offers, in order to say anything, really, because the idea of Kylo Ren making tea in their kitchen is just too overwhelming to make him think of any intelligent topic.

“I felt her wake up,” Ren answers. “She’s awake. She’ll be here shortly.”

He _felt her wake up_? Is that something he does with the Force? 

Before Finn has a chance to ask, the four black Knights enter the room together with Poe, Kaydel and Rose. They’ve obviously been having a conversation and in general they all look much more relaxed around one another than yesterday. The other inhabitants of the base are around but they just pass by or hang out in the garden outside. Poe must have instructed them to give the newcomers a wide berth. He must have told everyone what happened last night.

Ren doesn’t have the time to make the tea. Everyone has barely the time to settle, either by the table or in armchairs around the room, when Mara appears at the entrance.

* * *

Did they go to sleep at all? Because when she steps into the small common room, they’re all there, just like yesterday. The Knights: she missed them. She thought she would hug them all when they meet again. She also thought she would run into Kylo’s arms, kiss him breathless. Instead, tension hangs in the air and all conversations die out. She doesn’t want to be seen. But she knows she has to go through this.

“Good morning, Mara,” Sansena says and Mara replies with a small smile. Many of the others smile back – even Tw’oorah looks at her gently with his yellow eyes – but not Kylo. Maybe he’s too nervous, or maybe he’s angry. He is standing by the small kitchenette, leaning with his back against the counter. His lip is split and slightly swollen. She is so mortified to see that she doesn't know what to say, and he doesn’t make it any easier; he gazes at her with this mysterious impassioned look of his that doesn’t give anything away. 

“Ben, I killed someone yesterday,” she says without any introduction, and everyone freezes. 

Kylo nods.

“I know.”

Saying it aloud is even more difficult than she thought. It sounds horrific. She hugs herself and rubs her forearms. Kylo looks as if he wanted to come closer but in the end he doesn’t move. It’s a good thing because on one hand, she longs to be in his arms, but on the other, she can’t stand being touched at all.

“Who was it?” he asks slowly.

Mara closes her eyes and inhales slowly. 

“His name was Arn-Seth,” she says and her heart jumps as the Knights all make sounds that range from a gasp to a small scream of surprise, or horror. Poe’s and Finn’s eyes dart to Kylo, who looks as startled as the rest of his friends. 

She knew it would be like this. How to tell them? How to make them believe her?

“He was behind the attack. He was also responsible for Zeenah and the gang war last year. He tracked my ship until here and gave me a choice: to leave the planet with him and put an end to this, or to stay here and watch him blow up more worlds and kill you all.”

“Arn-Seth is dead, Mara,” M’biren says very calmly but he’s completely spooked, Mara can see it, and this is an absolute first for M’biren. “Kylo killed him the night we destroyed Skywalker’s temple.”

“He survived,” she says impassively. “And fled to the Unknown Regions to wait for his chance.”

“His chance for what?” Kylo asks.

“To pay you back.”

“He survived, orchestrated the war between us and the gangs, gathered an arsenal of extremely powerful weapons, all unbeknownst to us, he blew up a few worlds to get back at me, and came here to blackmail you?” Kylo asks slowly. 

“You think I’m crazy.”

“I think you’re wrong.” 

She sighs. She knew it. There was no way they would believe her. 

She starts speaking and tells them all she found out from Arn-Seth, the scanty information she pieced together in the course of two months. That Snoke played a double game, grooming Kylo and Arn-Seth to fight each other. That Arn-Seth spent years planning all these attacks, and was going to do it again, with secret weapons Snoke told him about, developed by Palpatine and hidden ever since. That Arn-Seth wanted what Kylo had and wanted to make Kylo suffer. That he appeared to her as Kylo and showed her the Force. That she slit his throat because it was the only way. She describes in detail what he looked like, and she mentions his origins, to remove any doubt as to whether he was really the person he said he was.

She doesn’t say everything. She doesn’t mention Arn Seth’s numerous scathing comments about Kylo, nor what happened between them after he appeared to her as Kylo. There are things she doesn’t want Kylo to know. 

They ask questions. Kylo tells her Arn-Seth wasn’t really a shape shifter; he only messed with her brain to alter her perception, to make her think he looked like Kylo. Then Finn asks Kylo if he can do that perception trick, and Kylo says he’s never tried to appear as someone else, but he’s already used that skill to stop people from noticing him at all. Finn and Poe look completely spooked by that. 

Kylo also explains Arn-Seth didn’t really give Mara the Force. He used a nasty dark side trick, by which he took complete control of her mind and created in it the illusion of her wielding the Force. 

“So did he wield it through me, or it never really happened?” Mara asks.

“It never really happened. He influenced your senses and put the images in your brain. He gave you what you wanted. But it wasn’t real. Do you remember the game we played at the silver festival on Naboo? It was similar. Only then you knew exactly that it was a mind game and that I was doing it.”

For some reason, this makes her very sad, even if Kylo’s mention of their romantic moment on Naboo brings happy associations. That moment of wielding the Force with Arn-Seth felt real, and wonderful, it made her feel more powerful than she had ever been. The best memory of all the encounters with Arn-Seth, and it turns out to be a lie. Like many other things, probably – if only she knew which ones.

When all the questions are answered, surprisingly it’s Poe who speaks first. He stands up, his arms crossed on his chest. 

“Two months!” he raises his voice. “For two months this has been going on, and you haven’t told me anything? You knew it was an attack, you knew exactly what happened, and you chose to leave us all in the dark? Have I been so unjust to you that you thought you couldn’t trust me, Mara?”

“He would have killed you,” she protests. “He would have come to the base and killed everyone. He told me that.”

“We could have taken him out together!” Poe shouts and she’s shocked to see he’s almost crying. “You didn’t have to do this alone! We could have ambushed him! Hell, we could have even looked for some Force cuffs in the city! And we have better weapons than just a small knife! What were you thinking, Mara? It’s a miracle you’re alive!”

“Steady on, Dameron,” Kylo says, danger lurking in his voice. 

“How could I ask you to help me kill Kylo’s enemy after you made it so clear what you thought of Kylo?” Mara shouts in her turn. “You’d have been so angry if you knew we were trapped here because of Kylo!”

“What are you talking about?” Poe explodes. “A madman decides to kill billions of people, and you think I would tell you it was Ren’s fault? Can you imagine Leia, or me, or Finn, taking out a whole planet or a system just out of spite against Kylo Ren? Would you then blame it on him, too? So your little theory about the cycle of violence means everyone is to blame for everything?”

Kylo’s eyes dart between her and Poe, and she doesn’t want him to hear this conversation, but now all the monsters are out of the bag and she can’t control them anymore – 

“Some inspiring leader you are,” Tw’oorah barks at Poe. “She must have had a reason for not coming to you!”

Poe recoils from these words as if he had been punched in the stomach.

“It’s true. I should have supported you better,” he says bitterly, addressing Mara but not looking at her. “I let my resentment consume me. I was a bad friend to you.”

“No, Poe,” Mara stammers. “I was afraid, it was for your safety, please believe me –”

He waves his hand dismissively and storms out of the room. 

Everything is wrong. She did it all wrong.

“I’ll be in the garden,” she says, turns around and heads for the exit. Her throat feels so tight she could just break down in front of everyone, and she doesn’t want that. One time – yesterday – was quite enough. When she closes the door to the garden behind her, she is sweating.

It’s not just the exchange with all of them right now, and especially the low moment with Poe. It’s as if, now that she told the story, the memories of the last two months suddenly became much more prominent in her mind. She can’t stop thinking of them. All the conversations with Arn-Seth. All the quiet, creepy horror of it, until the last straw. His tricks and games. The stakes as enormous as the galaxy – literally. And she, so unprepared to deal with it, so inadequate.

Kylo appears by her side just a few minutes later. She leans against a tree and he stands in front of her, in silence. It’s the first time they’re alone. 

“I’m sorry”, she only manages and it’s an apology for everything she owes him an apology for, and also for everything she doesn’t. For hitting him. For this long-awaited meeting being so different from what they both imagined. For getting involved in the thing that was too big for her and for not solving the problem in the end.

“Sorry?” Kylo shakes his head. “You’re sorry? For what?”

“Last night… there was no other way,” Mara explains. “I had to pretend,” she starts to speak quickly, she needs to get this out of her system, at least some of it, because she won’t tell him all. “I had to end this. I agreed to be with him just to get a chance to kill him.”

Kylo gazes at her with deep sadness in his eyes.

“There was so much blood,” Mara adds. She can’t stop. She must stop. “I thought I’d drown in his blood. I thought I’d suffocate.”

“Mara,” Kylo reaches to her face and strokes it with his thumb. His eyes dart to her neck and the bruises, which she tried to cover with a scarf this morning. “It is me who should apologise. I was supposed to protect you. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this, alone.”

She thinks he will take her in his arms, which she wants and fears at the same time, but suddenly she can feel him brush against her mind. She pushes back in panic.

He takes her face in his both hands and presses his forehead to hers.

“What are you not telling me?” he whispers. “What is it, Mara? What did he do to you?”

“Nothing,” she retorts, panicked. “There’s nothing else.”

“You can tell me,” he insists. “You can tell me everything. Please, don't keep this from me.”

_ How can she tell him? She told him she kissed Arn-Seth when he appeared to her for the first time looking as Kylo, but not that she kept kissing him even when she already knew something was wrong, not that for a moment she was so tempted to just pretend, because of the way he looked. How can she tell him that Arn-Seth, still looking like Kylo, held her by the throat against the wall, shoved his hand into her underwear and groped her, and she was – wet?  _

_ And how can she explain in words the horror she felt when yesterday, seconds before his death, Arn-Seth appeared to her as Kylo again, and she saw Kylo bleeding out, lying on top of her, still hard against her, squeezing her neck? _

She resists and he pulls away reluctantly, disappointed. He thinks she doesn’t trust him, he doesn’t even suspect she feels guilty. 

And confused. She looks at the man she loves, and he seems somewhat different to her. Maybe it’s because the other looked like him when he brutalised her, or maybe because of all the things he said about Kylo, things that found a fertile ground in the deepest corner of her heart and sprouted a doubt…

“How did you find me?” she tries a different subject.

“I was coming here to confront him,” Kylo says, looking down at his feet. “Rey told me she felt a strong Force user on Krant when she tried to fly through the debris. We thought immediately it might be the attacker. We had no idea who he was, nor that you were here...”

_ Rey told him?  _

“In any case,” Kylo says. “She was right. And I’ll always be grateful to her for that.”

**_ ‘It must be so difficult for him now, with nobody to hold him close at night. Who knows how soon your quarters will be taken by a new fair one?’  _ **

“How come you were even in touch?” she blurts out, trying to drown Arn-Seth’s whisper in her mind.

“She only came for a few hours or so to my ship, to tell me that. She offered to come here and help, but I didn’t think it was necessary.”

_ Of course she did. _

“What happened to Rhasa?” Mara asks coldly and Kylo glances at her, surprised. Jealousy is an ugly feeling, especially when it’s so irrational. But she cannot help it. The mention of Rey rekindles anger in her, and when she’s angry, she starts thinking of all the things Arn-Seth said – 

“Rhasa died at the temple,” Kylo says, frowning. “Why are you bringing this up now? He told you about it?”

“Why did she die? Why did you kill a woman who used to be your girlfriend, Kylo?”

“It wasn’t like that,” he protests. “We were teenagers, hiding from Skywalker, because relationships weren’t allowed. We were each other’s firsts, but we quickly split up, without hard feelings. That was years before the destruction of the temple.”

“Did you kill her yourself?”

“No! I don’t know who did. I told you, there was such a chaos there that we barely had time to think. In the end everyone fought everyone, and I was so filled with rage –”

“So filled with rage as to seek the woman who spurned you and punish her?”

“What?”

“Did you really split up, Kylo? Or did she leave you, because she wanted the other guy, and you were mad?”

“She didn’t leave me for Arn-Seth. They got together much later –”

“Did you rape her?” Mara asks. “On the night when you destroyed the temple? Did you rape her to punish her for leaving you?”

Kylo stares at her, incredulous, and she takes his momentary silence to be an admission. 

“This can’t be!” she wails, taking her head between her hands. “How could you! How could you do something like that?!”

“I didn’t do anything!” Kylo shouts back, recovering from his surprise. “Did he put those lies in your head? Did he? I didn’t even see Rhasa during that night! I have no idea how she died!”

“And this doesn’t bother you? She was the first girl you were with, she died on that night, and you have no regrets about that?!”

“I have regrets about all of that! All those people, not just her!”

“Did you enjoy murdering people when Snoke told you to, Kylo?” she insists. This is an interrogation, and he starts to understand it too now. He knows he’s on trial for something terrible, an accusation he’s not aware of, and he looks hurt.

 “I believed in what Snoke was selling to me. Up to a certain point, I just believed in all his lies. It was all for the greater cause, and I thought it was just, or at least a lesser evil. Sometimes, I didn’t agree and I didn’t understand. But I did whatever he asked anyway because I trusted him. If he thought it was needed to fulfil my destiny and build a better galaxy, I did it.”

“Did he ever tell you to rape anyone?” 

“Did Arn-Seth do anything to you?” Kylo hisses. “Did he assault you?”

“Stop changing the subject! Answer the question!”

“No, Snoke didn’t tell me to rape anyone. I’ve never raped anyone, Mara!”

“And your troopers, on your missions? All this chaos and destruction, all those burnt villages, and no rape? There’s always rape in war!”

“The troopers were conditioned, Hux was at the helm of the army, and he would have never tolerated…”

“Because he cared, you think? I bet you didn’t care, either!”

“Mara,” Kylo says, but no matter how much he denies the accusations, no matter how he replies, she feels herself slipping away from him. She feels resentment, and of course he doesn’t understand what’s going on. They separated in perfect harmony three months ago, now they are together again, and something has changed – 

“So he didn’t tell you to do it,” she resumes. “What if he had? You did everything he told you, even if you disagreed. So would you have done that?”

“That order would have made no sense whatsoever. He asked me to kill our enemies –”

“No sense? It’s a very powerful way to beat people into submission. It almost seems the best way. Why didn’t Snoke just send you to rape a Senator or a Queen to force the whole New Republic to pay attention? What could fuel your dark side better than such brutality? I wouldn’t be surprised if Snoke had had bunches of slaves delivered to you for that purpose, so that you could practice your darkness on them!”

“This is absurd,” Kylo scoffs. “These were not Snoke’s methods. The Sith might celebrate passion, but Snoke wasn’t quite a Sith himself. Like Jedis, he just paid no attention to that part of life. He thought it was a weakness, a distraction, whether love or just sex, or even rape. He wasn’t even going there. And I suppose he knew I was too weak for that.”

“That’s not quite the answer I hoped for,” Mara says, leaning towards him, but there’s no affection in that gesture. “I ask what you would have done if he had ordered you to do it, and you say he never gave such an order. This isn’t what I wanted to hear.”

“I would have said no. I would have been horrified to receive an order like that. Perhaps it would have been a breaking point and I would have challenged and killed him then, like I did later – ”

“Yes, for a girl you loved,” she says bitterly; she can’t help it, can’t stop herself, even if she knows she’s not being fair. “Whom you later pursued on Crait. Who almost died because of you, like Rhasa. Women who you love are at a high risk of dying prematurely, it seems.”

**_ ‘Like a dog, he goes after anyone who looks his way, begging for affection. Needy, clingy, obsessive love.’ _ **

“I’m not a rapist,” Kylo says icily, taking a step away as if he was going to leave. “I’ve never been one. I was a murderer but I’m not one any more. You told me that yourself. You loved me –”

“I remember what I told you. And then I came here, where everyone hated you – not just Arn-Seth, the Resistance too, and all of them for good reasons, even Arn-Seth had reasons to hate you, and for the first time I thought –”

“That they are all right,” Kylo finishes for her, his eyes burning. “You knew my story, I told you everything. And you loved me despite all that. So now you are telling me you loved me just because you’d only ever heard my side of the story?”

“No! I don’t know!” she shouts, stomping her foot. “Billions of people died in that attack Arn-Seth orchestrated! All those enemies you have, how long before another decides to make a move and people will die again?”

“If you’re trying to say I don’t deserve to be the Supreme Leader,” Kylo says bitterly, “it’s not like I haven’t ever thought about it. It was you who always tried to convince me to the contrary.”

“People die, and die, because of you –”

“You want me to resign? To leave the government? Do you truly think the galaxy will be better off for it? Say it. Do you think so? If you do, it means you’ve been lying to me since we met!”

Mara shakes her head.

“I don’t know anymore,” she says. “I’m asking myself questions.”

“Are those your questions or Arn-Seth’s questions?” Kylo shouts, furious.

“And if they are his questions, what of it?” Mara raises her voice. “Everyone has a right to ask questions about you, Kylo! Someone in your position will be scrutinized to no end. You need to get used to it!”

“Oh, I know that,” he barks. “I just thought your mind about me was made, but it seems you’ve changed it.”

She expects him to storm off now. To go destroy something, burn the forest, leave her here and close himself in his pain, betrayed, rejected, unwanted again. She’d just become one more person in a long series of those who did it to him. He always knew it, he knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time…

But he steps closer and takes her hand. She doesn’t resist. The truth is she wants it more than anything, but there is so much anger inside of her, she doesn’t know where all this anger comes from – 

“I need to take the Knights and go to his cottage, Mara,” Kylo says. “To check what else we can find there. We must make sure there will be no second attack.”

“No, we’re not done yet!” she wails and she hates herself for being so messy, so troublesome, so horrid to him. 

“You’ve done so well,” Kylo says, taking her face in his hands again and stroking it. “You’re right, you had to clean up my mess. You had to kill someone for me, and go through all of this to protect me, and you were so incredibly brave, and strong, and resourceful. It’s all my fault. I failed you. Now let me finish this. Let me take care of you.”

“Don’t leave me alone,” she sobs, and he wraps her in his arms and kisses the top of her head. It’s a very strange feeling, this resentment roaring inside of her, and at the same time the overwhelming need to be close. 

“I’ve never lied to you, not once. You inspire me to be a better man every day. Don’t let him poison what’s between us,” Kylo whispers against her forehead and she grips his wrists like a drowning person. A strange kind of panic comes over her; she doesn’t want to be separated from him again.

“I’ll be back soon. Take this comlink,” he gives her a small device. “It’s connected to mine, just press this button if you want to talk to me, and I’ll hear you.”

She’s nodding and crying. Kylo remains strangely calm and pats her back, but this isn’t helping, she just cries more, like yesterday – 

“Go to lie down,” he murmurs. “I’ll leave Sansena and Djawan here, so that you feel safe. And we’ll give weapons to the Resistance people, just in case. Nothing will happen to you. I’ll be back soon and come straight to you.”

“Be careful,” she stammers. He squeezes her in his arms one last time and moves away, beckoning Tw’oorah and M’biren who are waiting at a distance – she notices them only now – and the three of them walk toward the forest. He doesn’t look back.

They’re both alive, they’re together again, the bad guy is dead, and yet it feels like the world is ending. 

* * *

The three black figures walk in complete silence, their red lightsabers drawn. Mara explained to them the location of the cottage. They also know the Sith temple is nearby. The closer they are, the thicker becomes the Darkness. They can all sense it; Tw’oorah looks like a hungry man walking towards a source of nutrition, his pupils wide, his breath ragged. As for Kylo, he gets angrier, and the Dark calls him, promising relief. He wishes so much Arn-Seth weren’t dead, so that he could kill him. Shred him to pieces, atomise him, make him suffer. Rip all the secret plans and details of the weapons from his mind, make it hurt, really hurt, so that blood gushes from his eyes and ears and nose when Kylo’s finished with him. 

When they reach the cottage, a first surprise awaits them: there’s a human man in his forties, in front of the small building, busy digging a pit in the ground. He raises his eyes and immediately shoots at them with his blaster.

Stopping the shot is so effortless Kylo doesn't even need to wave his hand. It falls to the ground, and although one hundred metres or so separate them, one leap is enough for Kylo to be by the man’s side and grab him by the throat. 

“Who are you?” he hisses. “What are you doing here?”

The man bares his teeth at him. 

“She killed him!” he croaks. “Your whore killed my master! You slime, you son of a bitch, the day will come –”

“Who are you?” Kylo repeats, squeezing his neck so hard the man wheezes. Then he spits in Kylo’s face.

“I am Siro. I’m from Jakku.”

“Jakku?”

“Remember Tuanul? Remember the village you burnt and the people you massacred, you monster? That was my village! You can play the galaxy’s leader all you want but one day, the past catches up and you have to pay.” 

He whips an object out from behind his back, which must have been attached to his belt, and throws it in Kylo’s face.

The blast is immediate but the Force is faster. Kylo envelops the thermal detonator with a Force shield and it implodes noiselessly within the bubble. Siro cries out in frustration, and spits in Kylo’s face again.

“So you decided billions of people had to pay for the death of those villagers?” Kylo asks. “You will be paying for this now.”

“Kylo, he’s inside, and he’s dead!” Tw’oorah shouts from the cottage’s doorway. “He’s lying in a pool of blood on the bed – “

“Where is your base? Where are the weapons?” Kylo hisses into Siro’s ear but he only laughs.

“Before you find it, the galaxy will burn again. You can kill me but you won’t manage to stop it.”

Kylo lets him go and Siro drops to his knees, his hand at his throat.

“Don’t kill him, Kylo,” M’biren says. “We need to know –”

Darkness takes him.

* * *

Minutes later, Siro’s body is still writhing in the air, a metre or so above the ground, the man screaming incessantly. He thrashes his head from side to side, his eyes rolling back, the rest of his body convulsing. Blood is trickling from his ears and nose, and the sound he makes becomes less and less human.

But Kylo is not finished. With his hand close to the man’s forehead, he takes whatever he wants. He rips through his memories, tears his mind into pieces, fries his brain, until Siro is just a boneless, squeaking mess.

“Enough, Kylo,” M’biren pleads, while Tw’oorah stands there, his nostrils flaring, his eyes feasting on the dire spectacle of Darkness.

But it is not enough.

Kylo extends his hands and the lightning shoots from them, hitting Siro’s body as it falls on the ground with a thud. The man screams again, and he continues to scream as smoke rises from his burning skin. Kylo flicks his wrist and Siro’s vocal cords snap. He can only thrash in silence now, his mouth wide open, his body getting charred as he is being burnt alive – 

– until M’biren draws his saber, steps to Siro’s side and cuts his head off with one blow.

The lightning stops but electricity still tingles at the tips of Kylo’s fingers, and he’s angry at M’biren. He could conjure the lightning again and punish him for insubordination. This is what Snoke would do if Kylo had dared to stand up to him like this. This is what Snoke did, many times, and for much less.

He looks at his Knight and is silent, only now wiping Siro’s saliva off his face. He draws his saber.

“Get out of my way,” he barks.

* * *

One movement of Kylo’s fist and the walls of the cottage fall down as if it was a house of cards. He stands in the middle of what must have been a bedroom, now open to the elements just like the rest of the interior, and hacks away with his saber at the bloody heap lying on the bed. It’s not possible anymore to say with certainty it used to be a man. There’s blood everywhere, and a terrible smell of open guts and decay. The air is dusty from the rubble and the only sounds are the unstable crackling of the blade and Kylo’s scream. His eyes are wild, he’s yelling in rage, and his two friends are watching, helpless.

* * *

The temple is just fifty meters or so behind the cottage, hidden away among trees. They would find it even if they didn’t know it was there – they’re all drawn to it, they hear the whisper of the Darkness. In its dim interior which nature has taken over, with ivy climbing the walls, they find a pile of pyramid holochrons. There are also various bowls, strange amulets, and scrolls covered with words written in ancient languages. In the dust on the ground, words have been written with a stick or a finger.

“He was casting spells,” Tw’oorah says. “To control her mind?”

“Creating illusions,” Kylo says. “Altering her perception, summoning her fears. He succeeded.”

“Maybe not just that. Maybe he also tried something else. Conjuring up a spirit?”

“Whose spirit?” Kylo hisses.

“Snoke’s,” Tw’oorah replies slowly, turning toward him. “To get an ally against you. That’s what I would do if I were him.”

“We must destroy this place, Kylo,” M’biren speaks. “We don’t know what evil magic he performed here and what the long-lasting effects might be.”

Kylo beckons them to leave the temple and as soon as they’re outside, he extends his hand and the stone walls collapse towards the inside, burying the Sith holochrons, the spellbooks with incantations and the artefacts underneath. Before the dust even settles, he shoots lightning again to set fire to the temple, then to the cottage. 

“Your eyes, Kylo,” M’biren says quietly, touching his arm, but Kylo wrenches it away from him.

He knows it. He felt it when he was ripping savagely into Siro’s mind, and later it only got stronger. Strong enough to conjure the lightning. It makes him giddy. It’s addictive, it’s like nothing he has ever experienced before. There’s no conflict, no being torn between darkness and light, no horror at his own cruelty. There’s an absolute certainty, a perfect abandonment in darkness, and it feels more powerful and exhilarating than he could ever imagine. 

“You have to fight it,” M’biren says, “You’re unbalanced. We need to leave this place.”

Yes, they need to leave, but not for that reason. Kylo growls, flashes his yellow eyes at the two of them and rushes into the forest back to the base.

* * *

They can’t keep up with him. He moves by leaps, slicing through the trees with his saber out of pure rage. The grass withers under his feet, and the sky turns black, strong wind blowing, as Kylo generates a wave of darkness spreading through the forest. Torrential rain starts falling from heavy clouds. Thunder cracks very close but its sound doesn’t drown the whisper in Kylo’s head, the evil whisper which he thought had died with Snoke.

He knows it’s the proximity of the temple, the spells performed there, the evil spirits Arn-Seth conjured up, the illusions. He was lucid enough to lay it in ruins, lest he should be unable to control it. But its Darkness was contagious, it swallowed him, it still sings inside of him, and it feels good. 

_ Pain. Anger. Hatred. Power. _

What does he have to lose, anyway? The one person who loved him, the one person who saw good in him, hates him now. He disgusts her like he disgusts everyone else. She thinks him a monster. Arn-Seth may have put those thoughts into her mind with his magic, but now they’re there, and she still believes them.

_ He will show her a monster. _

She called him a rapist. She believed so easily in the lies of a man who killed billions, and in the lies of the Resistance. The Resistance didn’t even need to use any magic to turn her against him, so little was her love worth. So little was needed to sway her, and he thought she could never be swayed against him.

He will do what he should have done a long time ago. He will kill the Resistance people and make her watch, burn the base, and then he’ll drag her to his shuttle, take her to Neelia, and leave her there. He never wants to see her treacherous face again. She lied to him about everything. She lied when she said she loved him, and when she writhed in pleasure in his embrace – _every single time_. She lied when she told him she believed in him, she lied when she said he deserved to be the galaxy’s Supreme Leader. She lied when she said he was not a monster to her. She lied through her teeth, her eyes lied, her body lied, she only wanted power, she wanted to be the empress, she never really cared for him. 

Because why would she? Nobody ever did.

And when she hit him on the face yesterday, with hatred in her eyes, when she yelled at him not to touch her, then she did finally tell the truth. She couldn’t pretend anymore. 

He will not kill her. He will drink her fear, her despair, he will rejoice in her grief. And once he leaves her on Neelia, he will never see her again and she will have all the time in the world to think about what she’s done to him.

He would have given his life for her. He wanted to spend a lifetime with her, wanted to ask her to marry him. Why was he so naïve? The ring he’s carrying in his tunic pocket is a joke. It was all a joke. He will throw it out of the airlock the moment they’re back in space. He will burn their house on Chandrila and with it, every memory of her.

The dark storm rages over the forest and Kylo is completely wet, his hair plastered all over his face. He can see in the dark; he can smell his prey. The base is just a few hundred metres away now. 

Sansena and Djawan are out on the lawn, their lightsabers in their hands. They must have sensed him. They must have felt his darkness, and they’re ready to face him down. In other circumstances he wouldn’t be able to overpower them both so easily, they would fight him, but now he just shoots them with lightning and when they’re writhing on the ground, he drops them both unconscious with one fierce push of his mind. Nobody can stop him, and these idiots will pay for taking her side over his in this. He storms into the building, crosses the empty common room, and runs through the dark corridor leading to bedrooms, until he’s in front of her room. He throws the door open and steps inside, his lightsaber ignited. He will lay her room in smoking ruins around her. 

He finds her on the bed, with her back to him, curled on her side. She is crying, with a pillow in her arms, holding it close just like he did so many times in the past three months, when her absence was becoming unbearable and the stupid pillow helped appease the pain.

He stands there, watching her body shake, her hair splayed out around her head, her bare feet rubbing one against the other. It is a little nervous tick she has when she’s stressed. He coughs and she jerks up, startled. He barely has the time to extinguish his saber and lower his head, burying his face in the dark curtain of his hair, so that she doesn’t see his eyes – 

“Ben,” she says, and her voice is desperate. She shifts on the bed, her face all swollen and red, reaches out and grabs his hand. “Ben, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what is going on with me. I didn’t mean all these things.”

She sobs again and he lets her pull him closer to her. He sits on the bed next to her and she is on him in an instant, straddling him, wrapping her legs around his back, her arms around his neck, laying her face in the crook of his shoulder.

“He did something to my mind,” she whispers. “It’s terrifying. It's not my thoughts. I don't want to think these things!”

He can feel her fast heartbeat against his chest, the warmth of her body clinging to him, the wetness of her face. He blinks and the black cloud enveloping his mind recedes.

“You were gone a long time,” she utters in a small voice. “You found him, and he was dead, right?”

“Yes,” Kylo says. “He can’t hurt you anymore. It will be fine. Nobody will hurt you now.”

She exhales and it’s heart-breaking to hear how much pain, fatigue and distress she held in that one breath. He puts his arms around her and buries his face in her neck. She smells so lovely, exactly as he remembers. 

“You’re wet,” Mara mutters, and he can feel her lips moving against his skin. “Is it raining outside?”

“Just a passing storm.” Kylo weaves one hand into her hair and rocks her slightly against him. She wraps her arms and legs around him even tighter. He tries to kick his boots off his feet – he doesn’t manage, and he doesn’t want to let go of Mara, so he helps himself with the Force – and lies down on the bed with her in his arms.

“I should change,” he murmurs. “You’ll get wet.”

“No, don’t go anywhere,” Mara whispers and slides her hands under his tunic and undershirt, stroking the bare skin of his back. Her touch, the first affectionate touch in three months, almost burns him, but it burns wonderfully, as if tendrils of warm light were sprouting from her fingers and entwining his body, penetrating his skin, and deeper into his heart. He shudders and closes his eyes, which are normal again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo does have a flair for the dramatic, doesn't he? That's what we love him for!  
> Also, apparently love is stronger than darkness.


	14. The invisible wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some secrets are told, while others remain hidden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left my computer yesterday on the train, with all my files... I managed to get the files back from the iCloud, but I'm so terribly upset and sad about it. There were other things on it I didn't have in the cloud, like photos, and anyway a computer is a writer's whole life, so I am just cursing my own stupidity. It might be found, I filed a claim and am waiting... anyway, I am borrowing my boyfriend's computer now, and just needed to have a rant. I just want to get my machine back! And, on the subject of our story, I do hope you enjoy the chapter.

“He shot us with lightning!” Sansena complains as she and Djawan are helped to their feet by M’biren and Tw’oorah. The latter two have just arrived in front of the base, running after Kylo, and found the brother and sister in a heap on the ground, the grass charred around them.

“When did he start shooting lightning anyway?” Djawan mutters as he inspects his singed clothes and the burn on his left collarbone. “First time I saw that.”

“Today,” Tw’oorah replies. “And be happy because he just blasted you once. The other guy, there at the cottage, he read his brain and then _fried_ him.”

“What, Arn-Seth?” Sansena exclaims. “He was alive?”

“No, it was his slave or something. Not Force-sensitive. Apparently a guy from Jakku who had a grievance against Kylo. Anyway, he’s history now.”

“I had to step in and kill him,” M’biren admits. “Kylo was going too far.”

“Did he shoot you with lightning for that, too?”

“No, but I thought he would. He was furious.”

“What a show that was,” Tw’oorah says with enthusiasm that is highly unusual for him. “He’s unstoppable! He burnt the temple to the ground, too. Pity because there were holochrons there that I would have enjoyed opening.”

“That temple was evil,” M’biren counters. “Arn-Seth used it for Sith rituals, perhaps he even tried to conjure up Snoke’s spirit.”

“Why worry about Snoke’s return if Kylo shoots lightning now?” Djawan asks sarcastically. “He’s becoming more and more powerful. It's dangerous.”

“What’s new?” Sansena remarks. “Remember how he shook the dreadnought in space last year? And the stunt we all pulled on Kothlis, with stopping the freaking space debris? I wouldn't have even believed that was possible.”

“ _That_ was some show,” M’biren says, frowning at Tw’oorah. “We did great on Kothlis. All of us, together. We’ve all become more powerful together.”

“We’ll do it again,” Tw’oorah says. “In the meantime, I suppose Kylo didn’t kill anyone here, did he? The storm has passed. The wave of darkness has receded. He must have calmed down.”

“ _She_ calmed him down,” Sansena corrects. “Let’s leave them to it now. Did you find out anything from the guy Kylo interrogated?”

Tw’oorah shrugs.

“Probably _he_ did, but there was no asking him as he was raving. We’ll need to talk about it. But I’m guessing there are more of these weapons out there, and we’ll have to destroy them.”

“So it’s not over,” Djawan states.

“At least one part of it is over,” M’biren replies. “He found Mara. Now he will be fine. She won’t let him slide into darkness.”

“But _she_ is sliding into darkness,” Tw’oorah says. “She might not have been shot with lightning, but her brain was fried too. Dark emotions emanate from her. She took on more than she could deal with.”

“I think she was amazing,” Djawan remarks. “She devised such an intricate plan, kept her intentions hidden, and just ended the guy –”

“What, you thought she was too good for that?” Sansena mocks. “Too girly?”

“I didn’t think she had in her to kill someone in such a way. Did you? In self-defence, with a blaster, maybe. But cut his throat in cold blood when he’s lying on top of her? Pretending she wants to sleep with him? Wow.”

“She’s the empress for a reason, not just for her pretty eyes,” Tw’oorah reminds. “I am not surprised. It is a strength to know when to reach for darkness, and a weakness to always shun it. She is strong enough.”

“So,” M’biren interrupts. “Can we get some food here? I’m starving.”

“Have a snack, they’ve told us we’re having a big dinner tonight, with the whole group,” Sansena tells him. “Actually, I must say, these Resistance people are not as hopeless as I thought. Don’t you find?”

“Yeah, especially a certain ace pilot you’ve been ogling constantly,” Djawan says with a hint of reproach. “Do you really need to sleep with every handsome guy you meet? Is that some kind of a bet?”

“And what’s wrong with sleeping with handsome guys? Do I sense some latent Jedi moral judgment in here? Plus, I haven’t slept with him. The jury is still out on this. He’s cute but a bit grim and haunted, and I like cheerful guys.”

“I bet he’ll be more cheerful once you’re done with him,” Tw’oorah remarks and they all burst out laughing as they head inside the building.

* * *

They are lying on Mara’s bed together and Kylo strokes her back as the last remnants of the red haze evaporate from his brain. Shame only is left in its wake. Ten minutes ago it made perfect sense to destroy everything here, put her on the ship and drop her off on her home planet, never to see her face again. He doesn’t even begin to understand how he could have thought that. What took hold of him? It’s more than his own darkness. The Force is strong on this planet, and the darkness Arn-Seth left behind has visibly affected both Kylo and Mara in some twisted ways. It still keeps Mara in its clutches; he can feel her tension as he holds her in his arms.

They could have really hurt each other. No, he wasn’t thinking of killing her, not even in the moment of his deepest madness. But what he _was_ thinking is enough to make him cringe. It is a miracle she didn’t notice anything; not the saber, not the eyes. This is something to think about seriously later. It happened for the first time ever. And the lightning… Has his worst nightmare finally come to pass? Has he become like Snoke?

Not if he can help it. Not as long as she is with him and can bring him back to sanity.

She pulls away without letting go of him completely and they look into each other’s eyes. She moves his hair away from his forehead and touches his face carefully.

“I did that,” she whispers, looking at the cut on his lip, and strokes his cheek, which she slapped viciously yesterday. She has tears in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t know why I did that, I’m so sorry, Kylo.”

“It’s nothing,” Kylo says. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. I hate violence. He made me so angry, and I hit you. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Don’t be absurd,” Kylo snorts. “It was just one little slap. It’s not like you cut my arm off with a lightsaber.”

Which is probably a bad joke given the situation with Arn-Seth, but well. Also, even if she did cut his arm off, he would probably forgive her. To be fair, he forgave Rey for splitting his face in half, so he can definitely forgive Mara for one slap when she was out of her mind with shock.

Mara smiles and puts her arms around his neck. He loves it how they are able to put each other in a good mood. Their heads are almost touching on her pillow; she caresses his face, and finally kisses him on the cheek.

“I busted your lip,” she mutters. “And now I can’t kiss you on the mouth because it will hurt…”

“Go ahead,” Kylo offers. “I tolerate pain very well. Just no biting.”

She snorts and kisses him very carefully, applying little pressure but opening her mouth to him and nudging his lips with her tongue. Kylo’s whole body blooms open. He hasn’t been kissed for three months, which isn’t tragic in the great scheme of things, but that happened after he was kissed countless times every single day for a year. It was a life-saving drug, and it was abruptly stopped without a warning.

“I missed that,” Mara whispers and kisses him again, and again. He curses himself for having neglected that lip cut; he could have healed it with the Force or applied bacta, but he has paid it no mind and now it stings a bit, even if she’s careful. He decides he’s going to heal it in a moment in case it heats up between them, which he very much hopes it will.

But it doesn’t, not yet. She sighs and pulls away.

“I was so afraid I’d never see you again,” she murmurs. “I thought I’d stay here all my life. Imagine a life of waiting. Every day can bring what you’re waiting for, or it may never happen at all.”

“I was looking for you everywhere,” Kylo says. He starts to feel cold from his wet clothes but as long as she is close, it doesn’t matter. “I thought I might not ever find out whether you survived the explosion or not. I was afraid you might be in danger somewhere. But I’d never imagine the kind of danger it was. And to know I was literally one day too late…”

She lets him hold her but looks somewhere beyond him, in an instant of complete absence, as if she had suddenly drifted away for a few seconds.

“I will never forget the look in his eyes when I cut his throat,” she utters. “I can’t get rid of the fear, I can’t really believe he’s gone. He looked at me as if it wasn’t over yet.”

“He’s dead,” Kylo assures her and tightens his arms around her. “I found him. I made sure he was dead.”

“He was trying to trick me, wasn’t he? When he asked me to leave with him and never go near you again? Because what did it matter that he just took me away from you, what satisfaction could it give him? It would never be enough. He was going to use me as some kind of bait against you.”

She’s probably right, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Kylo almost says it but stops himself as she visibly finds it important to analyse it. He wants to ask her about Siro. She didn’t mention anyone else apart from Arn-Seth, so does it mean Siro wasn’t there before? But it will likely scare her, and it would be difficult to ask about that and hide the rest. He’d have to tell her what he did to him, and what he found out while reading his mind, but it’s too much to burden her with at the moment. He needs to discuss it first with the Knights, decide what to do.

“Your parents are fine,” he changes the subject to make her think of something nice. “We often met in the past three months. They’ll be so happy to know you’re alive.”

It works; she beams and gives him a happy kiss.

“I’m so glad to hear you’ve been seeing them! And that you’re getting along!”

“Yes,” Kylo admits. “We do get on quite well. You won’t believe it but your father called me son last time I saw him, just a few days ago.”

“What? That’s amazing!” she exclaims, her eyes sparkling. Kylo remembers telling Listellion he wanted to marry Mara; the ring is still in his pocket, but it’s not the right moment to ask the question. Not out of the blue like that – at least out of the blue for her, because he spent months thinking about it – and not when she’s in such a terrible mood. It needs to be a happy moment, a moment to remember, not one tainted with shock and horror. He has to wait, and it might take time.

“So when are we leaving Krant?” she asks.

“Very soon. Hux is coming back for us in two days.”

“You have a bigger ship waiting? Hux is in command?”

“Yes. The _Stardust_ will be waiting for us.”

She brightens up again, just like when he mentioned her parents.

“Home, we will go home!” she says, and his heart almost stops, because no, they’re not going home, and not just because there’s still work to do in Bothan Space. He could leave that to the Knights and Hux now and go back to Chandrila with her, but there is more than that, because of what he saw in Siro’s mind. He needs to tell her at one point, but not now.

“So, tell me everything,” Mara pleads. “What happened out there? What is the situation?”

This is easy. He tells her which worlds got destroyed, what the damage is, how Teran Wynad on Chandrila watches over the Core Worlds, what the media said, how the reconstruction is going. She is drinking it all in. Her eyes are shining when he tells her how the Alliance came together in the aftermath of the cataclysm, how there has been an unprecedented show of solidarity in the galaxy, with the New Order coordinating all the cooperation. She is proud to hear that, and he stresses it’s all thanks to her work, he’d be nowhere with the Alliance without her.

“And the Alliance would be nowhere without you,” she replies. “We do need each other, don’t we?”

“We definitely do,” Kylo agrees happily.

She laughs at the media stories about their romance: how the Supreme Leader set out into space to look for his beloved. She frowns when he tells her the media tried to assassinate him when they found out it was an attack, but then the New Order managed to do really good crisis communication and turn it all around. She is moved when she learns of the enormous work carried out since the attack: clearing the debris in space, picking up drifting ships and bodies, evacuations, rescue and relief, and research on new planetary shields. He tells her about Kothlis, expecting to impress, and he’s not disappointed – she listens to his account of how they stopped meteorites in mid-air with her eyes wide open.

But then, she gets very sad.

“Such a beautiful world, Kothlis,” she says. “I’ve been there a few times, once on holiday when I was little… All gone, ruined now,” and to Kylo’s amazement she starts crying.

“We managed to evacuate almost everyone,” he hurries to explain. “There were not many casualties –”

“It’s just so heartbreaking to lose a whole world,” she sobs. “It’s cruel. Ten worlds or so gone… Will that ever stop? Billions dead last year in the Hosnian system, billions now. At this rate, soon there will be nothing left in the galaxy, and we can set up all the alliances we want, if one madman is enough –”

“No, Mara,” Kylo interrupts. “There won’t be any of this anymore. There will always be villains, but not with access to weapons like those. Trust me, we’ll put an end to this.”

She barely listens; she’s deep in thought.

“I regret I had to kill him,” she says suddenly, and for a second Kylo thinks he has misheard. Regret? She should hate him. How can she regret?

“We argued about you with Poe when I arrived here… I told Poe that everyone deserved forgiveness. Everyone. Didn’t Arn-Seth, then?”

“I’ve never killed billions of people,” Kylo points out, slightly unsettled by that comparison. “I don’t think I quite deserve, even in Dameron’s biased eyes, to be put in the same category as Arn-Seth.”

“Hux, then. He killed more people in the Hosnian system than Arn-Seth did.”

“Hux has done things to redeem himself,” Kylo says, but she notices his hesitation.

“He was given a chance. He was given time, Arn-Seth wasn’t. But he just gave me no choice, I had to –”

“Mara, please stop,” Kylo cuts her off, quite upset now, though he’s trying very hard not to show it. “Not everyone can be saved. And not everyone should. The galaxy is a better place without this guy.”

“Until not long ago, Poe would be saying the same about you,” she whispers.

“Stop tormenting yourself. You did the right thing,” Kylo pulls her to his chest and kisses the top of her head. She immediately snakes her arms around his back. This closeness used to be instinctive and natural to them, and he wants it back. He doesn’t want to talk about the mass murderer anymore, and certainly not to regret he’s dead.

He draws away slightly to kiss her. His lip stings again but this time, even the pain is somewhat pleasant. It’s just so unbelievable to hold her in his arms again that he savours every second of it. He deepens the kiss and his hands roam across her body. He slips his hand under her skirt, stroking her leg, and brushes the inside of her thigh with his fingers. She’s velvet and warm there, and just one touch of this soft skin makes him painfully hard. He slides his hand higher, towards her core, grazes her sensitive spot through her underwear, and there it is, the softness and the warmth he remembers. He wants to dive into her, drown in her wetness and heat –

She grabs his hand and stops him.

This is the first time ever she has stopped him, so he knows instantly something is wrong. It’s been three months and she might need some time, she’s been through a trauma, so there are plenty of reasons why she might not be in the mood, but he knows it's not just that.

“What is it, Mara?” he hisses. She has pulled away, pale, breathing rapidly, and trying desperately to appear normal.

“Nothing,” she says. “I just… didn’t expect that. Maybe it’s too early after everything –”

“Is that so? Is it too early? Or is there another reason?”

She avoids his eyes.

“He raped you, didn’t he?” Kylo asks and as the horrible words leave his mouth, he feels sick. The suspicion that this kind, strong, joyful woman, the woman who deserves all the best in the galaxy, who has always known only respect and love, and _whom he was supposed to keep safe_ , might have been humiliated and hurt in such a debasing way, by an evil madman, in an act of _revenge against Kylo_ , literally makes him blind with rage. Billions of deaths are bad enough, but this – _no, this can’t be_.

“No,” she says in a small voice. “But he did… he did grope me, and threatened me with more… it’s just that…”

“Just what, Mara?” he growls, fuming, trying to chase from his brain the image of her, scared, as that man dared to _grope her_ –

“Look,” she says, grabs his hand, and opens her mind to him.

Images assault him, and they are images of himself, or rather that man looking like him, but the illusion is strikingly perfect, with his voice and everything. For some reason, not the smell – perhaps Arn-Seth didn’t know it and therefore couldn’t conjure the illusion. Kylo watches himself threatening Mara with rape, saying she’d enjoy it if he bent her over and fucked her, holding her by the throat against the wall, fingering her –

When he’s finished, he is shaking, and he screams with rage. She’s crying, and he realizes, incredulous, as he still reads the waves of emotions coming from her, that she is – ashamed. Ashamed that she was confused when that happened and, in some way, participated in it. Ashamed that even now, even with the real him, she feels confused when he touches her, because that man looked like him and she didn’t know in the end who was touching her, or she chose not to know, or pretended not to know. That she was repulsed and attracted at the same time.

“I understand,” Kylo says, trying to calm down, his heart drumming in his chest. He would love to draw his lightsaber and destroy the room but that’s unlikely to improve her mood, and he promised her a long time ago not to do that anymore. He cut down tens of trees in the forest on his way back from the cottage, but fortunately she doesn’t know that yet.

“I understand, Mara,” he repeats and finds that thinking of her distress makes him forget his own rage. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “It feels disgusting, I feel disgusted by the memory of it, of my reactions. My own body and mind somehow betrayed me. It feels as if I cheated on you –”

“You didn’t cheat on me. None of it was your fault,” Kylo growls and wraps his arms around her again. Giving a slow and painful death to that guy, if Kylo had been lucky to catch him alive, wouldn’t have been enough. No lightning, no mind tearing, not even atomisation, which was the method Kylo used to fantasise about before coming to Krant, seems enough now.

And it doesn’t even matter because he can’t do anything any more.

“It makes me so sad,” she says quietly. “All of it. He’s dead, and you're here, so I should be happy, and yet I’m so sad. Too much has happened. One can’t just bounce back after all this… not after billions of deaths, not after murdering someone, not after all that brutality.”

Kylo listens in silence. For him, all that has always been part of his life. Killing people who need to be killed doesn’t cause him any remorse, and it hasn’t for a long time. Even innocent deaths don’t affect him as much as they affect her; he is mortified by the cataclysm in Bothan Space, as he was mortified by Hosnia, he wants to fix it, but he has seen too much gore in his life to be phased by it in the same way as she is. If she had seen those corpses floating in space… he shouldn’t have told her about it, not today.

What would she say if she knew how he killed Siro? If she knew about the lightning? He tries to feel ashamed of his own cruelty, but he can’t. On the contrary; he still feels primal satisfaction at the memory of Siro’s inhuman screams of pain. Even more so since he heard what Arn-Seth had done to Mara. For hurting her, that man and all those close to him deserved to suffer – which probably mirrors Arn-Seth’s logic and his wish to make Kylo suffer through Mara. It’s complicated.

How can he tell her all that? She is so good she can even find it in herself to cry over people who hurt her. Just like Rey. It’s his destiny to choose women so much better than himself that he always feels inadequate, always needing to be ashamed of his own nature.

She gets tired after that, an awful aloofness creeping over her. Any romantic moment is out of the question. He tells her to try to sleep – she spent the whole time he was gone crying in her room and didn’t get any rest – and promises he’ll be outside whenever she needs him.

“Dinner later might do you good,” he suggests.

“Yes, I suppose it will be nice to eat with everyone,” she admits.

He’d much prefer to eat just with her, for the two of them to stay together and become closer. But that’s not what she wants, apparently. He kisses her once again – even though she’s not very responsive anymore – and leaves her room. If someone had told him their reunion would look like that, he would have never believed.

* * *

He changes into dry clothes and goes to the common room, where he finds Dameron with the Knights. They’re conferring in hushed voices, looking rather chummy together, and it makes Kylo angry. Especially that everyone stops talking when they see him.

He stands in front of them in an awkward silence and gets more and more irritated every second. Sansena frowns at him; of course it’s about the lightning – probably they were all discussing his yellow eyes – but he won’t be apologizing to them, not in front of Dameron.

“Mara’s asleep,” he says in a slightly hoarse voice. “She’ll be getting up for dinner.”

“How is she?” Sansena says but he deliberately ignores her, walking over to the high windows, away from them.

“Do you have any contact with the people from the city?” he asks and nobody speaks for a moment, until he turns around and looks at Dameron, whom he was obviously addressing.

“Sure,” the Resistance General says. “There are three cities here, each has a leader. I suppose you want to meet them? I could organize that.”

“Yes. They deserve to know what’s happened out there. I’m not sure they love me, but I guess they’ll want to meet with me once they know I’m here.”

“Yes, definitely,” Dameron says. “I bet they have lots of questions.”

“They know Mara, don’t they?”

“No. I thought it was safer for her to stay incognito. I wasn’t sure how they’d react to the news of the Supreme Leader’s consort being here, especially that she mysteriously arrived just after the cataclysm.”

“You did well,” Kylo says despite himself. The need to praise the pilot and be thankful to him doesn't sit well with Kylo, and even less so now that he’s so irritated. But he’s trying to be fair and polite because they saved Mara, and for this he’s willing to swallow his pride and anger. “Now, though, they need to know. We might be leaving soon but we’ll be coming back… it remains to be seen whether an access route can be opened through the debris or the planet will need to be evacuated, unless they prefer to remain cut off forever.”

“Oh. So you’re leaving soon?”

“Yes,” Kylo says. “We’ll be leaving in two days, in the afternoon. Our flagship will be waiting outside Krant’s orbit. And you and your people will have to choose whether you’re staying here, waiting for the next transport, or coming with us.”

“Coming with you!” Dameron exclaims. “In two days!”

“You must decide quickly. Whoever from the base wants to leave with us, they can. But we can’t delay the departure.”

“Hux is coming back again after one week,” Djawan starts but Kylo growls at him impatiently.

“Too late. We need to leave as soon as possible.”

“What did you find out from that guy at the cottage?” Dameron asks, frowning, and Kylo frowns back. He didn’t authorise the Knights to divulge any details of what happened at the cottage. And Dameron definitely doesn’t need to know what Kylo has found out. It’s top secret, and he hasn’t even told the Knights yet. Which he will have to do, tomorrow morning first thing because tonight he has no heart for it.

“Can you get the leaders here for tomorrow?” he insists.

“Certainly,” Dameron replies. “I can’t imagine what more important things they’d have to do, under the circumstances.”

Then, he hesitates, and –

“We could help,” he says finally, in an almost aggressive way, as if expecting to be rebuked. He behaved in the same way when Mara admitted she had acted alone and had kept things to herself. Kylo can see very well what the pilot’s problem is.

“You’ve done enough,” he says curtly, but it comes out wrong and Dameron looks offended. “You’ve done very well,” he emphasises, in a gentler voice, albeit reluctantly. His patience is running thin. He’s grateful to Dameron for saving Mara but he’s not here to tend to the pilot’s bruised ego and fix his unfulfilled life for him.

“They told me what you’ve been doing in Bothan Space for the last three months,” Dameron says, gesturing to the Knights. “I’m just saying, we would like to help.”

“We’ll discuss that later,” Kylo cuts him off.

He’ll be damned if he’s going to reveal any details of his military operations to the Resistance. He is the Supreme Leader, he has an army and he has the Force. He certainly doesn’t need them. Dameron might crave a purpose, especially after he leaves this world and will have to reinvent himself somewhere else, but that’s not Kylo’s problem. For their help to Mara, he’ll give all of them enough credits so that they can spend the rest of their lives doing whatever they want. He doesn’t care what it will be, neither for Dameron, nor for FN, nor for anyone else here.

He knows exactly how Dameron feels. He feels like that too. Like he’d love to have been able to do something about what happened – but he can’t. Neither of them can. Dameron was kept in the dark, and Kylo arrived too late.

Fortunately an important part of this whole mess still remains to be cleaned up, and Kylo will be the one doing it.

“Kylo,” Sansena speaks firmly and he glances at her, distracted. “How is Mara?”

He hesitates, tempted to ignore the question again and just leave.

“I’m not sure,” he replies finally, looking away and out of the window. Mara is awake; when he extends his awareness to all living beings in his proximity, he can sense her immediately. She is awake and suffering, and he has no idea how to help her.


	15. The breakthrough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which old injuries slowly heal to make way for new beginnings

The evening meal is not really a celebration – it’s difficult to celebrate after they learnt billions of people were dead, and after witnessing Mara’s trauma – but it’s en effort, on the ex-Resistance’s side, to make peace, to make things normal again, to wave a white flag. And, above all, to help everyone calm down. Kylo has to admit it, albeit reluctantly: Dameron is making efforts.

There is a buffet table in the big mess and the twenty-five inhabitants of the base are all here. Together with Mara, Kylo, and the Knights, it is a small but pleasant crowd. People move around, everyone talks to everyone and the atmosphere is good. The Resistance people have reasons to be happy: they finally know what happened to the galaxy, they can leave the planet, the villain is dead, they are safe. Kylo knows they’re not stupid and must have many questions, but they also know how not to stretch his patience. Everyone eyes him curiously – and seemingly with less hostility – even if few approach him directly. But when he is part of a bigger group, for example standing around with the Knights, other people do join them. The Knights are integrating quite well; even Tw’oorah talks to people a little bit. It’s easy to find topics to discuss as the Resistance members have families and friends all over the galaxy and want to know how individual worlds in Bothan Space fared in the cataclysm.

Mara emerged from her room at the very beginning of the dinner, calmer and in a different dress. Her clothes here are modest, standard issue, but she looks nice in everything and he quite likes seeing her in simple attire. Tonight she’s wearing a long loose grey robe with pockets, very casual and made of rather rough fabric, but it suits her. A green scarf is loosely tied around her neck. It looks pretty but Kylo knows she’s using it to hide her bruises, and his chest tightens. She tries to mingle but to someone who knows her like Kylo does it is clear she’s not her usual self. There’s no trace of her usual sociability, energy and enthusiasm. Usually the centre of any gathering, tonight she remains on the margins of conversations, smiling but quiet, mostly listening, as if she just wanted to stay close to people. It breaks his heart. It is, however, good to see how everyone tries to include her and has a kind word to say to her. Again, Kylo has to admit these people have proved much more decent than what he would have expected.

And it is also clear to him that they are not part of the puzzle. The game was between Arn-Seth and Mara, or Arn-Seth and Kylo himself. Mara landed here by wild chance. The Resistance got involved by wild chance, or rather was not involved at all. And the fact that they were here was a very lucky coincidence for Mara, something he can never pay them back for.

Mara often looks his way and smiles, but she hasn’t said anything to him yet. So far, she has only spoken when addressed directly. So Kylo stays close but not too close; he gives her space but is there for her if she needs him. As the evening unfolds, he watches her turn away from the conversation more and more often and gaze through the window, in the direction of the forest, as if she was remembering something or wondering if she’s really safe. At one point, she approaches M’biren and Tw’oorah and starts talking to them. They both listen carefully, soon Sansena and Djawan join too, and then it starts looking rather emotional. Mara says something and takes M’biren’s and Tw’oorah’s arms, and they all hug her. It’s a group hug; Kylo feels both put out by such overt signs of affection coming from the Knights and jealous because he’s left out. He could just join them, but he hesitates and the moment is gone. Then Dameron talks to Mara, and it looks like they’re apologising to each other. Eventually, the two of them hug as well, which starts to be a bit much, even if Kylo understands Mara and Dameron have things to explain to each other.

Before he has time to get grumpy, though, Mara looks around, searching for him, and with a little movement of her head invites him to join the group. He does, and she moves to stand next to him. This is the best part of the evening; he feels comfortable listening in silence to the conversation, with her standing by his side. They’re not talking to each other, but it feels good. He can feel her mind quieten and the turmoil of her emotions die down, her pain and sadness slightly less sharp thanks to the general good mood as she’s basking in people’s warmth. Maybe one person’s love, in a moment like this, is simply not enough. Maybe she needs affection from others, too, and friendship, to get over what happened to her, to believe again in good.

“I think I’ll be going to bed now,” she says after some time, turning to him. She has tired eyes. Kylo nods but feels a sharp pang of insecurity in his heart. It’s not that he hoped she’d drag him to her room at the end of the night for a wild sexual romp; under the circumstances, this seems out of the question. But if she’s telling him so casually that she’s going to sleep, it means she’s going alone. For a second night in a row he’ll be sleeping in the room next door. If she only let him in, he’d make sure she had no nightmares, he’d stroke her hair until she fell asleep, he’d whisper soothing words to her. But she is taking her leave of him. She prefers to lick her wounds alone. He’s not needed, and it’s even worse than not being wanted.

For a second, he considers offering he’ll just hold her, reassuring her he won’t be trying anything else if it makes her uncomfortable. Maybe this is what she’s afraid of. But in the end he doesn’t say anything because he wants to be invited, rather than invite himself. He wouldn’t have believed, a few months ago, that they could find themselves in such a situation: that he would be left out of the bedroom, wondering why, feeling hurt and yet reluctant to ask her for explanation. Suddenly the conversation, which he rather enjoyed before, doesn’t even reach his ears anymore. He follows her with his eyes as she moves about the room, saying goodnight to everyone else and exchanging last remarks with them.

She stops behind him and slips her warm hand into his.

“Will you come to bed later?” she asks in a low voice. “I’ll leave the door open for you.”

“Of course I’ll come. I’ll be there soon.”

She reaches up on her tiptoes, asking for a kiss, and he bends down to kiss her and pulls her to him affectionately. She smiles, gives him a last look and leaves. That look of hers was sad, yet he feels so happy and relieved he can barely keep a straight face.

When he looks up, Dameron is watching him curiously, and, incredibly, _smiles_ to him – for the first time ever.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, when Kylo enters her room – he wanted to give her privacy and not go after her immediately – the lights are off except for a small lamp on the bedside table, and she’s curled in bed, facing away from him. He changes into nightclothes, which he has brought from his room, then slides under the duvet next to her. She radiates warmth and he clings to her back, enveloping her in his arms and burying his face in her hair.

“I love you,” he says into the nape of her neck and kisses the top of her head. Mara inhales deeply and covers his hand with hers but doesn’t speak. In the shape of her body and in her stillness, Kylo can almost feel the heaviness of her heart, the absence of all joy. She doesn’t turn to him as he hoped she would, she just puts her arm over his. Kylo cradles her as close as possible and kisses her head again. She’s here, she’s safe, she’s not going anywhere, she’s invited him to come to her bed, and yet she’s not herself.

It’s not like he cannot face any difficulties in a relationship. They were on their love cloud for a year but he knew bad moments could happen. This, however, is something else and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. She is a broken little thing, and he fears her love for him might be gone. She is not in the mood for much tenderness, she touches him but it's mechanical, she addresses him but her heart is not in it, she’s by his side but not _with him_. What if she never comes back from that dark place? In less than two years, she has been transformed from a cheerful, strong and loving woman into a numb, depressed killer with dark circles under her eyes and bruises around her neck. This is what loving Kylo did to her.

It would be enough to dispel these fears if she just turned to him and kissed him. But she doesn’t.

* * *

Next morning, as he stands by the high windows of the common room, his hands folded behind his back, and watches Mara sitting on the grass alone some two hundred metres away, all of a sudden FN appears by his side. It’s weird and it makes Kylo feel uncomfortable. He has enough trouble with Mara, not to mention the danger looming over the galaxy, and as a result he has very little mental space to deal with FN, Dameron, or any other Resistance member. Earlier that morning Kylo stormed into the common room, shouting Mara was gone, because when he had come out of the shower, she wasn’t in the bedroom anymore. FN and Dameron told him she was in the garden and looked at him as if he was not quite right in the head. So now, annoyed that those two have witnessed his outburst of panic, Kylo shifts and starts to move away, when FN says:

“You should stop thinking it is about you.”

“Hm?” Kylo asks.

“Her behaviour. She isn’t doing this _against you_ or  _because of you_. She’s just feeling terrible. So focus on her and forget yourself for a time.”

There is a brief moment of silence; Kylo frowns.

“Are you saying I’m not attentive enough to her?” he asks and there is an edge to his voice.

“No, you’re very attentive, you’re watching her all the time,” FN replies, unfazed. “But this is a moment when it has to be all about her. Passion can be very selfish: it’s more about us than the person we love. It’s about _our_ pleasure, _our_ needs, how good or bad it makes _us_ feel. It’s great, but there’s much more to a relationship.”

Kylo is silent. He sure as hell won’t be taking any _relationship advice_ from the traitor, even though he has to admit there is something to it.

“You just need to be strong and supportive, available whenever she wants you and for whatever she needs you,” FN continues, visibly warming up to it. “And then things will improve. Stop wondering whether she still loves you; she does. Stop beating yourself up, thinking it’s your fault; it isn’t. It’s just _not about you_. And this might be difficult to accept, especially for someone like you, but it’s like that.”

“Why ‘especially for someone like me’?” Kylo growls, annoyed that he’s paying any attention to this conversation at all.

“Oh, well, because you like to make things about you,” FN says lightly, apparently not afraid to die. “You like to be dramatic. Don’t you?”

And he actually _chuckles_ a little. Kylo scowls at him, but in the end decides to take the high ground.

“Believe me, we tried to change her mind,” FN resumes in a conversational manner. “We talked shit about you to her. Blamed you for all the crimes in the universe. Vilified you as much as we could –”

“Well, thanks,” Kylo utters. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“– and she kept telling us about the good things you’ve done since you took power. And also romantic stuff like Ben does calligraphy, Ben likes reading, Ben and the blue butterfly, blah blah blah. Half of the women here have fallen in love with you just because of Mara’s stories. Women love sensitive murderers.”

Kylo snorts despite himself and coughs immediately to cover it, but it’s too late.

“Love like this doesn’t go away because of one terrible thing that happened,” FN offers. “You just need to be patient.”

“Patience might not be among my strongest qualities,” Kylo concedes.

“Yeah, I figured,” FN says and, incredibly, flashes him a smile before he leaves.

First Dameron, now this one. Why are they _smiling_ to him? He really needs to get off this planet, because this, this  _fraternization_ _with the enemy_ , for lack of a better word, is getting out of control.

First, though, he needs to get the Knights and tell them what he has found out, and what task lies ahead of them.

* * *

“Kylo,” Mara says from behind his back. He whirls around; he was deep in thought and didn’t hear her. He’s in the garden, after more than an hour of conferring with the Knights, and he’s actually trying to figure out how and when to tell her about what they’ve just been discussing. She has a right to know, and as they need to act soon, he can’t really postpone telling her for much longer, though he doesn’t think she’ll take it well. She’s just not in the right state of mind for this kind of news.

“What did you talk about with the Knights for so long?” she asks and he can’t tell whether it’s fear or hostility in her voice. It’s strangely distant. He hesitates just for a moment, and only because he doesn’t want to add to her distress by mentioning again the man who hurt her.

“Yesterday, we found Arn-Seth’s minion in the cottage,” he says slowly and she clearly recoils at these words. “His name was Siro. Do you know him?”

“No,” Mara replies, her voice hoarse with panic. “I never met him. I thought Arn-Seth was alone?”

“It turns out he wasn’t, and that guy was as fanatical as Arn-Seth himself.”

“Did he also have the Force?”

“No. He just hated me. He witnessed a… massacre of a village I ordered on Jakku.”

Mara looks up at him and doesn’t say anything. He has nothing to say, either, to defend himself. The Tuanul massacre is among the least defensible things he has done. He knows she may have changed her mind about him after hearing all the things Arn-Seth told her, and this is one more to add to the list. But they can’t be having this discussion now.

“I want us to talk about this,” he says. “I didn’t tell you enough of my past, I was too ashamed. I can’t justify many of these things, and I won’t even try. But for now –”

“We will talk,” Mara cuts him off. “We have time. But for now… where is this guy?”

“I killed him,” Kylo says. Killing Siro was the right thing to do, but now, looking into her accusing eyes – at least he finds them accusing, he’s not really sure anymore what her eyes tell him – he feels uneasy. She doesn’t even know how he killed him – well, technically it was M’biren who did – just like she doesn’t know about the lightning and the yellow eyes. He will need to tell her. But not now.

“He deserved it. He didn’t mind killing all those people just to take his revenge on me. We discovered new things… I read his mind, and they were planning another attack. They have a secret base and another ship with the same type of weapons. We will need to go there and destroy it. This is what we have just talked about with the Knights.”

Mara stares at him with wide eyes.

“I knew it!” she says miserably. “I was afraid killing Arn-Seth might not change anything because he had help from others…”

“We’ll get there in time,” Kylo assures her. “We’ll stop the second attack. I guarantee that. They aren’t suspecting anything, Siro was the only one who knew Arn-Seth had been killed.”

“When are we going?” she asks.

“As soon as we’re back on the _Stardust_. The base is on a moon in the Unknown Regions. We aren’t sure if a strike from orbit is a safe option; we don’t want those weapons to explode and cause another cataclysm. So we might need to start with a targeted air strike to eliminate their defences and then go to the surface to destroy or deactivate the weapons.”

“You will be going to the surface?”

“Yes. I will lead the ground operation.”

“No!” Mara protests angrily. “I don’t want you to go! You don’t always need to lead those operations! You have plenty of capable officers, not to mention the Knights!”

“Mara, I’m their leader. I can’t just stay on the ship. It will not take long…”

“You don’t know that! You were saying the same before you left for Zeenah, and you almost died! I don’t agree! You can’t always do this to me!”

“Do what?” Kylo raises his voice; he knew this conversation wouldn’t be easy. “I can’t possibly take you with me into battle!”

“This is exactly what you said when you were leaving for Zeenah, in the middle of the night!” Mara shouts. “And this time, I’m not going to accept it! Why don’t I have any say in this? I’m not just your adviser anymore! Were you even going to tell me in advance if I hadn’t asked you?”

“Of course I was going to tell you! I just didn’t know when was the best time to do it. It’s not true you have no say, you’re the person whose counsel I trust the most – ”

“I’m fed up with always being left out of your war plans and being the last one to find out,” she explodes, on the brink of tears. “And I’m fed up with always being left behind, do you hear me?”

Kylo stares, shocked by the force of her indignation. Surely this is not totally fair and rational? Surely she’s overreacting? This operation is nothing like the battle of Zeenah. The defences on Arn-Seth’s base are very limited, he saw it in Siro’s mind, as these people are simply not counting on being discovered. The only difficulty lies in taking control of the weapons before Arn-Seth’s acolytes realise what’s going on and fire them. So a good strategy is needed, and Hux will help with that. They just need to get to the _Stardust_ and work out the tactics with the top military chiefs –

“It can’t go on like this!” Mara shouts. “I won’t have it!”

This hits Kylo right in the chest, knocking the air out of his lungs, as if she kicked him. What is she saying? So this is why things are getting so difficult between them? She is thinking of leaving him?

And why wouldn’t she? Whatever happened to her in the last months, happened because of him. The relationship with him put her in danger. She suffered the accident, injuries, isolation, mental manipulation and physical manhandling, and had to kill someone, all because of him. Why would she want to stay? She must be thinking this relationship is costing her too much. And she’s right.

That smartass FN – _damn him_ – said to look at things from Mara’s perspective. And from her perspective, it looks like this: loving Kylo might not have done her as much good as loving her did to Kylo. Perhaps for her it would be better to leave him. She’s not cut out for the kind of life she is leading with him. For a brief moment, she had to carry the fate of galaxy on her shoulders, and it was too much.

FN stressed it was not about Kylo, but isn’t it, now? She says she won’t have it, meaning she won’t put up with him anymore. He knew she was too good for him. She was always going to either grow tired of him or get hurt, because he ruins everything. This has been his biggest fear, his only fear: that one day he’ll lose her. He thought he may have already lost her – he feared she might be dead – and yet, though she’s alive, nothing is right. She didn’t jump into his arms when he came for her. She whipped out a knife and slapped him. Yesterday she kissed him and he thought they were making progress, but then it got worse again. There are all those ugly accusations that Arn-Seth planted in her mind against Kylo, plus now she finds out Kylo killed another person... and perhaps it’s too much. Too much for her to still be able to love him. So now, for a totally wrong reason, which must have somehow been the last drop, she is leaving him.

If she leaves, then Arn-Seth has won, he has managed to destroy Kylo. The anguish is so strong he can’t breathe. He will beg, but will that work? And for how long?

“No, please, Mara,” he says. “I know everything that has happened is my fault. I know you don’t want to look at me anymore now. But give me another chance. I will not fail you again. Give me a chance to set it right, to look after you properly. I’ll stay on the _Stardust_ and send other people to that operation, if this is what you want. Tell me what you want and I will do it, I swear, just don’t leave me. I can’t bear to lose you again.”

His voice breaks, and Mara is suddenly silent, looking at him with a strange face expression.

“What are you saying, Kylo?” she asks slowly. “I’m not leaving you. Why would you think that? You think I’d be asking you not to put yourself in danger just to decide five minutes later to leave you?”

He is silent now because he’s confused and ashamed, and his head is spinning. He doesn’t understand her anymore.

“It’s you who is leaving me!” she says and starts crying. Recently, every time they speak she cries, he always makes her cry, and he hates it. “I just got you back, and you’re already planning to leave again, and you’re not even telling me, you’ve decided everything without me! Arn-Seth told me you were hiding things from me!”

“Mara, don’t throw that guy’s lies into my face,” Kylo hisses as his blood starts to boil at the mention of that monster. “He used dark side magic, Sith spells, to influence you. We found evidence of it at the temple! Do you understand? What he told you is a bunch of lies. I’m not hiding anything from you. Stop saying that!”

“But you _are_!” she shouts and stomps her foot in rage. “You _have_ been hiding it from me since yesterday! And I still don’t know if you’re telling me everything! It’s always like this: you tell me a few things at the last moment and you leave. You said you would look after me! It just never ends, the wars, the enemies, the killing, and I’m never important enough to be even asked for my opinion!” she wails.

And this time Kylo understands, because he knows one or two things about irrational workings of a suffering, insecure mind, so he steps forward and wraps her in his arms as she’s sobbing.

“You are the most important,” he says. “My top priority. I was just trying to protect you by not involving you in these conversations immediately, because I see how difficult things are for you right now. I was wrong and I’m sorry. I should have asked you first. I should have explained.”

But she wiggles out of his embrace. She’s not done yet, and this Kylo understands too. When anger and resentment take hold of you, there’s no reasoning with them. The grief needs to find an outlet.

“You need to take me seriously!” she yells. Last time Mara yelled at him like this was when he Force-choked Hux and almost killed everyone on the _Stardust_ ’s bridge a year and three months ago, before the battle of Zeenah. “We might not be married, but we have a commitment to each other! You have _no right_ to plan things like this without consulting me, and you can’t just… leave me behind!”

Time stops and Kylo can only hear his heart drumming in his ears. She said the word, and nothing else registered with him after that. It’s absolutely crazy because it seems like the least appropriate moment, not to mention the least romantic one, right in the middle of their biggest fight as a couple so far, and yet –  

“This is really stupid talking,” Mara says, shaking her head, suddenly deflated after her outburst. “I am angry. We should calm down and talk later. This conversation is not over!” she growls at him – _he loves her fierceness so much, he loves it that she’s not one bit afraid of him_ – and she turns away –

– But before she can take the first step, Kylo grabs her hand and whirls her around to face him again.

“So marry me,” he says. “I want to have every kind of commitment with you. We can get married tomorrow if you will have me.”

With his other hand he reaches into the inside pocket of his tunic and takes out the small velvet pouch in which he carries Leia’s ring. He lets go of Mara’s hand, takes the ring out of the pouch and holds it out to her on his palm.

Mara stares. He is standing there, his hand outstretched, feeling silly, but feeling great at the same time, because it’s out, he finally said it, he has asked her –

“Is this some Force thing?” Mara inquires, frowning. “Have you just conjured a ring out of thin air?”

“No. I’ve had this ring in my pocket for three months. It was supposed to be the anniversary surprise. But they were one day late with the delivery –”

“You wanted to ask me to marry you on our anniversary?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, Ben,” Mara says and, for the first time ever since he met her, words seem to fail her completely.

“So I had to wait until you’re back from Neelia,” Kylo explains. “And then everything happened. I wanted to give it to you as soon as I found you, but when I arrived here… it didn’t seem like the right time.”

She looks at him, opens her mouth, then shakes her head, looking stunned. She glances at the ring and then looks closer.

“Wait a second,” she picks it up from his hand. “I know this pattern. This is – ”

“It’s an old Alderaanian jewel. It belonged to my mother. She gave it to me when we met to sign the ceasefire agreement, shortly before her death. And I didn’t think much of it then. I didn’t think I’d ever have anyone to give it to. But now it just makes perfect sense.”

Mara watches him for a moment and suddenly smiles so brightly he thinks he must be dreaming. Is it really happening, will she accept? But then she places the ring back in his hand, which can only mean a no – perhaps she doesn’t like it? He did wonder whether it was a good idea to give her a ring that had belonged to his mother; maybe he should have got her a new one that nobody else wore before her?

She extends her left hand to him and smiles again.

“Will you put it on my finger?”

“So it’s a yes?” Kylo asks, incredulous.

“What do you mean, ‘so it’s a yes?’” Mara laughs. “I practically asked you! Or, at least, I was the first one to mention marriage.”

“You just beat me to it. No fair,” he murmurs as he quickly puts the ring on her finger before she changes her mind. Then, when he looks down at her hand, which he’s still holding, it's as if he looked at that ring for the first time ever. It’s beautiful, with gems of different colours, framed in gold. Luxurious and rich, and yet tasteful and elegant, a royal jewel for a royal bride. He remembers his mother wearing it. He knows Leia would be happy to know Mara has it now.

As she would be happy to know he’s getting married.

 “It was too big,” he explains, trying – and failing – to hide his emotion. “I had it made smaller, but the jeweller took a long time. I was furious when they said they couldn’t deliver it in time for the anniversary.”

She entwines her fingers with his and squeezes his hand.

“But you didn’t run him through with your lightsaber, did you?” she asks playfully.

“I thought about it briefly,” Kylo concedes. “But I didn’t think you’d appreciate it.”

She laughs and reaches for his other hand.

“So, we are getting married?” she asks, her eyes sparkling.

“Yes. We are getting married.”

It’s her first real smile. First time since his arrival that she looks happy, and this is because she’s marrying him. He could just stand here and drink in her happiness. Now, he finally believes she loves him. Because after everything she went through, after everything she was told about him, she still wants to marry him and looks so happy about it.

“Won’t you kiss your fiancée?” she murmurs.

He takes her head in his hands and kisses her lightly, still unsure how much intimacy she wants at the moment, but as she wraps her arms around his neck eagerly, he deepens the kiss, takes her in his arms and lifts her from the ground, her lips pressed to his.

“Let’s celebrate this,” she whispers into his ear.

“How do you want to celebrate?” Kylo asks. He hasn’t yet fully processed what happened. Everything has changed so fast, from the complete nightmare to this ultimate dream. He can only react to her words because he is too stunned to think of anything original to say. He knows he needs to tell her things: how darkness swallowed him, how he used the lightning, how it terrifies him to even think of the implications of it. But for now, he’s just allowing himself a moment of respite because he feels so happy he’s dizzy.

“Let’s just go to my room,” Mara mutters, nibbling at his earlobe. “It’s not a very romantic space but it’s all we have. We should finally say hello properly. What do you say?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, in the next chapter they’ll be doing exactly what you think! :-)  
> Also, I really enjoy writing Kylo’s interactions with the Resistance people. I hope so much we’ll see some of that in Episode IX.  
> All right, over and out for now, going to write all this fluff and smut for next week :-)


	16. Being one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is passion but there is also peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for deliciously explicit content :-)

He is lying on his back, slightly propped up on the pillows, pinned to the bed by Mara who is straddling his legs. They’re both naked and he brushes the tips of his fingers along her sides. That’s all she allows him; whenever he tries to touch her elsewhere, she slaps his hand off playfully.

She’s holding him in her hand, pumping up and down at an agonisingly slow pace. It’s too much and not enough at the same time, and he writhes helplessly under her.

“Don’t stop,” he moans when she seems to be slowing down. Mara shifts, releases his left leg and settles astride his right thigh. Her core rubs against his skin, back and forth, slowly, in the rhythm matching the movement of her hand. It leaves a trace of warm slick on his thigh, which is just one more thing that is likely to drive him crazy very soon. With her other hand, she reaches between his legs and cups him, caressing him with her fingers. The sensations shoot through him like electricity and he arches his back, the intense pleasure spreading over the whole lower part of his body. As Mara ogles him greedily, he spreads his legs a bit more and raises his hips, thrusting into her one hand and rubbing himself against the other. He moans, his muscles tightening.

“No, get down,” Mara purrs. “Relax the muscles. Don’t chase it. Let it come to you slowly, and then it will be stronger.”

It’s difficult; in the anticipation of a climax, the body tenses up naturally so it’s a conscious effort to relax his muscles, especially those of his thighs and lower stomach, where every brush of her fingers creates sparks. He closes his eyes not to let himself get distracted by the sight of their bodies moving together, and focuses just on the touch, on the sensation of her two hands working on him. His breathing is laborious and he doesn’t care to stay quiet even though the room is not as private as they could wish.

“So big,” Mara murmurs, teasingly. “You’ve really missed this, haven’t you? You look like you could come at any moment.”

He could. If only she gave him, say, three quicker strokes, he would come instantly, but every time he’s on the edge she slows down.

“Please, it hurts,” he stammers, and Mara laughs quietly.

“You’re so sexy like this,” she purrs. “On your back, helpless, leaning into my hands desperately. I could look at you forever.”

Hopefully not forever because if she doesn’t let him come soon, he will go mad. There is tension in the pit of his stomach, a tight knot, and he is longing for a release so much that it borders on pain. He rocks his hips a little with every movement of her hand, enjoying this agonising, torturous pleasure.

“Look at me, Kylo,” she orders and he obediently opens his eyes. She is a beautiful torturer, her breasts swaying slightly, her thighs clenching around his leg, her lips slightly parted as she is stroking and rubbing him mercilessly.

Then she leans down and gives him a long lick along his whole length, looking straight into his eyes. His tip disappears in her mouth as she slowly sucks on it, her hands still moving, one up and down, the other between his legs.

Kylo sobs.

* * *

When they entered her room twenty minutes earlier, she was on him in an instant, pressing her lips hungrily to his. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around his waist, and that’s how they kissed, her back pressed against the wall. It almost brought him to tears, and she trembled in his arms.

“My love,” she whispered. “My fiancé.”

Kylo leaned down, wanting to kiss the sweet spot in the angle between her neck and her shoulder, which always gave her frissons. He liked to cover her neck and collarbone with such feverish kisses –

But this time, the bruises. They had got darker since yesterday. He stopped, then resumed more gently, pressing his lips to her skin lightly, in a series of small kisses.

“Does this hurt?”

“No,” Mara whispered. “This will go away, Ben. Don’t think about it anymore. I’m trying not to.”

“I will never let you come to any harm again, for as long as I live,” he said. “I will always protect you. I promise.”

“Are we making our vows already?” Mara tightened her arms around his neck and kissed the corner of his mouth. “So I want to promise something too. I promise that I will always love you and look after you, no matter what.”

He was drowning, his legs trembling, and it wasn’t because of the physical effort needed to hold her up in the air. He carried her to the bed, climbed onto it with her and wrapped himself around her body. It felt like being one again, like before, or even better. Better, because they almost lost each other, because for a moment he feared she stopped loving him, because they both suffered. And also better because they were getting married.

To Kylo, marriage had never been a goal in itself or a necessary proof of love. He would love her whether they were married or not. It didn’t make any difference. At least that’s what he thought before he asked her. It was supposed to be a romantic, symbolic thing, but the moment she said yes it suddenly became much more than that. This was his future wife now. “My wife” sounded different from “my consort” or “my partner”. He had a responsibility, a commitment for life, they were to become a family. He would have a family again. She was to be really his, forever, for better and for worse. Not every marriage lasted – that of his parents didn’t. But his and Mara’s marriage _would_ last. There would be nothing, _nothing_ , more important to him than that.

“I need to tell you what happened yesterday,” he said. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, and she looked up at him.

“I thought you already have?”

“Not everything. I went mad in that cottage. I ripped that man’s memories out of his brain, I tortured him, and then I… I shot him with lightning.”

She was stroking his hair before, but now the movement of her hand stopped. He almost died in that short instant, but after a brief pause she resumed the caress.

“I went fully dark. There was evil in that temple, but… it was also me. My eyes… my eyes turned yellow, Mara. Even Snoke… even he didn’t have yellow eyes.”

Mara pressed her forehead against his, her warm hands around his head.

 “It’s my fault, isn’t it? You didn’t torture him because of those billions of people he killed… you did it because of what Arn-Seth did to me. That’s the truth. _I_ made you go dark. So love really is the path to the dark side? Love pushed you over the edge?”

 “No. It’s the contrary. Love brought me back. I saw you lying here on the bed, crying, and all that madness left me. I came back thanks to you. But can you live with it, will you still have me? Do you want to marry a man like that?”

“You came back,” Mara whispered. “You came back, and for that I love you. You went into that dark place, maybe lost yourself there, and yet you _came back to me_.”

“As long as you love me, I will always come back.”

“I will always love you. So there’s no need to fear. You are not Snoke. _You are nothing like Snoke, Kylo_.”

“We should have got married long ago,” he murmured, pulling her closer to him.

She slid her hands under his tunic, over his back. He wanted to give in to her, to lean into her touch and stop this painful conversation, but there was one last thing he needed to tell her.

“I was mad,” he admitted. “At you, too, about all the things you told me. I was running here and planning to get you on my ship, drop you off on Neelia and leave, because you didn’t want me, and I hoped you’d regret then…”

If he had feared she would resent him for that, he needn’t have, because to his surprise she laughed. The whole tension dispelled, she giggled against his mouth, kissing him.

“So the dark knight wanted to dump me on Neelia and leave?” she murmured, moving her hands to his front and stroking his bare chest under the tunic. He was hard already – he’d been hard since they entered the room and started kissing – and it was getting painful.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t have changed you mind if I did that,” she gave him an open-mouthed kiss, “or that,” she wove her hands into his hair. “What if I came to sit on your knees, or rubbed myself against you? Or if I touched you like that,” she palmed his erection through his trousers. “You really think you would have managed to stick to your resolution?”

She threw one leg over his hip and ground against him. Finding the opening of his trousers, she slid her hand inside, into his underwear, and wrapped her hand around him.

“What is this sound, Kylo?” she purred as she gave him the first stroke and he moaned. “This little sob? Is this a darksider’s battle cry? Tell me, do you always get so hard when you hate a girl so much you want to dump her and never see her again?”

“You’re cruel,” Kylo muttered. He felt stupid when he remembered his thoughts from the day before, but this game was quite pleasant.

She pulled away, her hand not leaving him – _he loved it when she took him in hand like that, there was something so dominant about it, and sometimes he just wanted her to hold him down and take whatever she wanted_ – and looked into his eyes with a smile. He held on to her hips, trying to breathe and not to thrust into her hand desperately.

“You love me too much to leave me,” she smiled. “Don’t even try. I wouldn’t take you seriously, not even with yellow eyes.”

And then she pounced on him.

She wanted to be in control. He understood that; after what happened to her, she must have felt safer, more confident, like that. So he let her go as slowly as she pleased, though he longed to pin her down to the bed, spread her and fuck the three months of despair, frustration and darkness out of their systems. To fuck his aching for her so deep into her that it would make them both hurt. But instead, he just lied flat on his back as she took his clothes off him before removing her own, straddled him and took him in hand.

* * *

She removes her mouth from him and straightens up, still perched on his thigh, but her hands don’t leave him.

“I said relax,” she murmurs. “I said don’t chase it. It’s coming. You’ll love it, I promise.”

So he trembles and sobs but breathes and relaxes his muscles again, and lets her give him one more slow stroke, and another one, and again…

In those last seconds, he feels it build up and it comes in a wave so strong he fears his body will explode; every nerve ending tingles, he clenches his fists but she hisses at him so he opens them again, and then the knot of stinging pleasure bursts so powerfully he needs to bite into his forearm to muffle his scream. He whimpers as she pumps him, still at the same slow pace, her hand tightly wrapped around him, and he spurts onto her breasts, her thighs, her stomach. He keeps coming, with every movement of her hand, the sight of her body covered with his release bringing new waves, and it lasts until all the tension leaves him, the knot in his stomach is all undone, and he has nothing left. He moans, black spots blurring his vision. His skin still tingles, electric sparks dancing on it. It feels as if he had come not with one part of his body but with _all of it_ , as if every single part of him had climaxed and was spent now.

“I told you,” Mara purrs and lets go of him. He watches, mesmerised, as she slides her fingers through the spots of his come covering her breasts. He should get her a towel, clean her up, but he can’t stop ogling her.

“You really needed that,” she says with a wicked smile.

“Sit on my face,” Kylo growls. “Sit on my face, Mara, _now_.”

She rises from his thigh, leaving a smudge of slick there, and crawls atop his face, her legs around his head. He grabs her hips and lifts his head hungrily, burying his mouth in her.

He has forgotten the smell. He has forgotten the taste. He licks into her hungrily and it’s her turn to moan; holding on to the headboard to steady herself, she rubs her core over his face and it feels good, he needs this too, he craves her, so he drags her down with his arms until she’s almost literally sitting on his face. Lapping at her, he pushes two fingers inside.

At this, Mara lets go of the headboard and weaves her hands into his hair. He’s not working on her slowly like she did on him; it becomes heated very quickly and she closes her fists, tugging at his hair. They discovered very early into their relationship that, although he generally likes to be in charge, sometimes he loves being totally subjugated by her, looking up at her with pleading eyes when she rides his mouth and holds him down by his hair to the point of pain. He came once like that, without even being touched, as she sat on his face, just because, when she was on the brink of her own climax and panted above him, she looked down between her legs to meet his eyes.

Exactly the way she does now.

“Look at me when you make me come,” she asks, or orders, and he enjoys that. He enjoys being used as her pleasure tool after three months of pining after her, so he looks up at her as he eats her out and thrusts his fingers into her. His come is drying up on her body and she’s truly a picture of debauchery, to be ravished and ruined. Panting, she starts clenching around his fingers rhythmically, and still looks down at him when her face contorts in a spasm of pleasure. He tastes more of hot slick on his tongue – this always happens when she comes onto his fingers and into his mouth, it’s literally the taste of her orgasm.

Mara whimpers, releases his hair and stills above him for a moment, trembling. He kisses and strokes the soft skin on the insides of her thighs and breathes into her. A moment later she crawls down and falls into his arms, boneless.

“Was that the lightning?” she murmurs. “I like it.”

He laughs quietly and cradles her against him.

“I missed being sticky and wet together,” she whispers.

“Want to take a shower?” he asks, kissing her behind the ear.

“No, I want more of you,” Mara says and slides her leg between his. “More, Kylo.”

He raises himself on his elbow above her. He’s had ten minutes and it’s more than enough. He is hard, she is wet, and he remembers to go slowly, just in case she is still not completely comfortable with him being in control. But also, he has an idea. Something he’s been fantasising about in the three long months without her.

“Kneel on the bed in front of me, your back to my chest, legs spread,” he says. “Don’t go down on your hands. Just kneel.”

She does as she’s told and he kneels behind her, then sits down on his knees and pulls her towards him. He wraps her in his arms, kisses her neck and slowly directs her so that she can slide onto him. She is deliciously tight and gives a little half-sigh, half-moan the moment he enters her. He pushes her upwards, then pulls her down again, and again. They go very slowly, back and forth, and Mara hums with pleasure as her head falls back onto his shoulder. When he’s finally buried in her completely, she turns her head towards him and kisses his jaw.

“You are the love of my life,” she whispers, looking very fragile, light years away from the beautiful predator who rode his face ten minutes ago. He wonders which one he loves more. He wonders that every time they make love and still doesn’t know the answer.

 “My fiancée,” he kisses her neck. “No woman has ever been loved like you, and none ever will. You are everything to me.”

“You are everything to me too,” she says quietly. Kylo caresses her breasts and stomach as she leans into him. It’s a very intimate position, their bodies flush, her back slightly rubbing against his chest, sending sparks of pleasure all over their skin. It’s not very easy to move inside her in this position as they’re tightly pressed together. He cannot draw back because he’s sitting on his legs, but he is strong enough to move her body up and down instead. So he does just that, slowly, deeply, lovingly, and they are finally one again.

“But that’s not all,” he whispers into her ear. “I still have a surprise.”

She hums excitedly in response.

“Close your eyes,” Kylo says. “And don’t be scared.”

“Will it hurt?”

“No. Have I ever hurt you?”

* * *

She gasps. At first, it feels terrifying and she shifts and lifts her head, but he’s holding her firmly in place.

“What is it, Ben?” she breathes.

“It’s just me. It’s me.”

“But… I can feel it… everywhere. It’s not your hands.”

“What are you feeling?” he purrs, rocking her up and down on him slightly faster, and pressure starts building in her stomach as the friction increases.

“Hands… all over my body. Stroking, caressing. How are you doing this?”

He laughs quietly and she can feel the vibrations of his laughter inside of her.

“The Force… do you like it?”

She relaxes in his embrace, her head falling back onto his shoulder again, her eyes closed, and moans quietly when he pushes into her.

“It feels amazing,” she whispers.

It’s as if ten or twenty men caressed her at the same time, only that it’s ten or twenty Kylos. The phantom hands are touching her like he does, everywhere at the same time. Together with him thrusting into her, the sensations are like nothing she’s ever felt before. When they make love, her skin always tingles and she longs to be touched. But there are only so many places on her body he can touch at any given time – that is to say, when he only uses his own two hands. But when he uses the Force, apparently he can do whatever he wants.

“Oh, Ben, it’s so good, don’t stop,” she moans. Two hands on her breasts, two others on the insides of her thighs, two sliding up and down her sides, one wrapped delicately around her neck, one grazing her scalp… a phantom finger brushes her lips and she opens them to suck it. It presses on her tongue; the illusion is complete. Her shoulders are also being caressed and then there’s one hand brushing her mound.

“Touch me there again…”

“That was my real hand,” Kylo murmurs and slides his hand between her legs. In this position, it’s easy to caress her there while he pushes into her from behind.

With him inside her, his hand stroking the sensitive spot between her legs, and all the other hands on her body… especially those two stroking her nipples just now… Mara loses herself very quickly. She starts writhing in his arms, and the hands become rougher; her thighs are being squeezed and spread wider, her breasts clutched harder. She can hear Kylo groaning behind her as he pushes her up and down faster and stronger. She leans slightly forward, so that she can prop herself up on her hands and he can thrust deeper, grazing repeatedly that sweet spot inside.

The invisible hands squeeze her buttocks and Kylo’s own hand speeds up between her legs. Her breasts are cupped, her waist tightly clutched, and she doesn’t know any more where his real hands are and where he’s touching her with the Force.  Her back is being stroked now, and then Kylo covers it with kisses. He’s getting close too, setting a fast pace, and this is how she needs it, she wants him to take her hard so that she can really feel him, to make up for the three lost months during which she missed him. Her eyes roll back as her whole body, every little fold and corner of it, is being fondled, squeezed, rubbed, massaged, brushed, and it’s too much –

“I’m coming, Ben,” she pants and he rolls his hips into her; she cries out, she loves it when he does that during her climax, it rubs her inside just in the right places, prolonging her pleasure. He covers her breasts with his huge hands, makes a few last frantic thrusts and comes seconds after her, his release so strong she can feel his hips and thighs trembling.

But he doesn’t stop. He knows how to take her down from her high slowly, and the phantom hands get gentle again. He rocks her backwards onto his lap again, cradles her against his chest, peppers her neck with kisses, whispering words of love, and she loves him back so much, yet she is so overwhelmed with pleasure and emotion she can’t even hum in response. 

* * *

They’re lying on the bed tangled in each other’s arms, hear head on his chest – which has become her pillow again – and Kylo seems very happy as he rocks her slightly.

“Was that a proper engagement celebration?” his baritone rumbles in her ear.

“I don’t even have words for it. Did you have the idea just now?”

“No,” he admits. “I had three months to fantasise… I have been inventing new things, and this is one of them.”

“Are we going to try them all?”

“Yes. But maybe not all today.”

Mara buries her head in his warm chest and kisses him above his heart, just like she used to do, contentedly.

 “Did you have longer hair on your first day here? When I came back from the forest? And a little beard and moustache?”

“I had no idea I’d find you here when we landed… I was unprepared. I shaved later.”

“Oh, but I liked it. I like you clean-shaven, but I liked that too. It was sexy. Not that I really thought about it, or anything else, back then.”

She sighs.

“It’s over,” Kylo murmurs into her ear and rocks her again in his arms. “It’s in the past.”

She snuggles in against him and they stay silent for a moment.

“I got so used to you being my adviser,” he says suddenly. “You were strong, confident and supportive, you always catered to my needs, not the other way round, and I always leaned on you. And now, when it was you who needed help, I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea how to help you. And more than that, I was selfish. I kept thinking of myself, whether you still love me, what it means to me. I don’t want it to be like that.”

“But I don’t find you selfish… you always think of me…”

“You have given me so much support, so many times, and I assumed you just needed my love and nothing else. I took your strength for granted. FN – _Finn_ – made me realise that. He told me it’s not about me. That you’re not being distant and sad because of me.”

“You talked to Finn?”

“He talked to me. I didn’t want to listen… but he was right. I want to be there for you, whatever you need me for. I will give you space if you want, but I will be close whenever you want me.”

Mara smiles to him but it’s a sorrowful smile.

“I’m sorry for my behaviour,” she says. “Finn was right, it’s not because of you. I’m just…”

“Sad?”

“Yes. It’s heavy, it’s at the back of my mind… and this is perhaps normal as it’s so recent, but sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I’m being whiny, I feel resentful without a reason, I lash out, I catch myself thinking about all those things he told me, and suddenly my mind spirals down… It’s as if he had poisoned me.”

 “Yes. This is how darkness works. It weaves itself into your mind.”

“So it will take time, I guess,” she shakes her head. “I will be fine, given time. But for now, it feels rotten, it spoils every joy.”

“Let me help,” Kylo says. “It might not be about me, but for once, I can help. I want to try something. I think I can drive the poison out.”

 “What do you mean?” she frowns. “If you intend to alter my memories, I won’t let you, I do not agree –”

“No, nothing like that. Just trust me. I’ve asked you once today and you don’t regret, do you? So trust me again. And close your eyes again.”

She nods, intrigued, presses her forehead to his and closes her eyes. She can feel his hand touch her temple and that’s the last thing she registers before everything under her skull explodes white.

* * *

It’s violent but not unpleasant in any way. On the contrary. It’s like an injection of adrenaline, or like enjoying strong sunlight on her face, only that it doesn’t cause any discomfort, it doesn’t burn. And it’s not just on her skin, but somehow also _under it_ , as if her brain, and then her whole body, or rather her whole _being_ , was being infused with the sun.

“What are you doing to me, Ben?” she breathes, slightly panicked.

“Healing,” whispers Kylo and presses his hand closer to her head. She leans into it; her scalp tingles slightly, as if electricity was flowing from his fingers. Is this the equivalent of lightning? Is it the case that when he reaches for darkness, he can conjure the lightning, but when he reaches for the light, he can do – this? Is this how it works?

“Maybe,” Kylo murmurs. She wraps her fingers around his wrist, to feel his warmth and his pulse. The rhythm of his heartbeat always calms her.

“Yes, hold on to me,” Kylo says, pouring Light into her mind.

* * *

When she opens her eyes again, everything feels normal, she hasn’t blacked out during any part of it, it’s just that…

Kylo is lying by her side, quiet and warm, and suddenly Mara is on him, flipping him onto his back and climbing on top. She wraps her arms around his neck and smiles. He smiles back and holds on to her waist, his big brown eyes watching her attentively.

Her future husband. This gorgeous man, with the aureole of black hair around his head on the pillow, with these indecently prominent lips that belong in a lover, not in a warrior, with his little moles, the constellation of which on his face and body she knows by heart, but now traces her fingers over them lovingly, with the tips of his ears sticking out from under his hair, with his big nose, and somehow all this together creates the most beautiful, the sexiest, the loveliest mix she has ever known in a man.

She strokes his cheeks and brushes her lips against his a few times, then slides her hands into his hair. Kylo closes his eyes and she kisses his eyelids. She doesn’t understand what he has done to her just now but suddenly she can see more clearly, and what she sees is him. She remembers everything that happened in the last days and months, she remembers what she has done and what has been done to her, but somehow it matters less. What matters more, in contrast, is the promises they have exchanged today, the question he asked and the answer she gave.

How great will it be to call this man husband? To come to bed to him every night, cuddle with him, kiss these lips, let his hands roam over her body, and know that he is hers and she is his? To wear wedding rings, perhaps not to take them off even in bed –

“I’m so happy I’m getting married to you,” Mara whispers and presses her lips to his mouth. Kylo Ren encloses her in his big arms and rolls her onto her side, so they can intertwine their legs, stroke each other’s hair, and make promises of love again and again.

* * *

Two hours later, Finn, Poe and Rose find them in the garden under a tree. It’s a busy day for the ex-Resistance, preparing for tomorrow’s departure. Most of the twenty-five inhabitants of the base have chosen to take Kylo Ren up on his offer and leave Krant on his shuttle. Also, tonight, the three city leaders are coming to see Kylo. Poe had difficult conversations with them as he didn’t want to reveal anything, he wanted to leave it all to Ren, but of course the local chiefs were shocked to hear someone had managed to breach the rings of debris and land on the planet, and that someone is no other than the Supreme Leader of the New Order, who now wants to talk to them about what happened in the galaxy. There will be a lot to explain and discuss, and Poe suspects diplomacy is not really Ren’s thing.

“Who does all those political talks and negotiations for him?” he asks Sansena, with whom he has found himself talking a lot in the last days. “He doesn’t seem to have the patience for it.”

“No, he doesn’t. Mara does that. She’s always present at such meetings and she ends up doing a lot of the talking. Also makes sure he doesn’t chop people’s heads off when they irritate him. The man has a temper, you know.”

Poe knows.

Now, though, a bad temper is the last thing Ren could be accused of, sat as he is under a tree with Mara in his arms. She’s asleep, half-sitting, half-lying, curled against his chest, her body enclosed by his outstretched legs. He holds her with one arm, while caressing her hair with his other hand. In front of Ren, a book hovers in the air – a paper one, too – at an angle comfortable for reading. As Poe, Finn and Rose gape at the sight, one page turns itself.

“Are you doing it with the Force?” Rose asks excitedly. Ren glances up at them, nods and indicates, gesturing towards Mara with his head, that he needs his both hands for her.

 “That might be the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen!” Rose exclaims when the three of them walk away to not disturb the lovers.

“Thanks a lot,” Finn says angrily. “Just because I can’t levitate things…”

“That’s right, you can’t, get over it and don’t be envious,” Poe snorts. “Anyway, looks like these two have made up, haven’t they?”

“And Mara looks strangely exhausted for this time of the day,” says Rose, grinning.


	17. Reconciliations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they leave Krant behind and Kylo makes amends

“You must do something for Poe, Kylo,” Mara says as he’s putting his clothes on. Kylo freezes, his shirt half-open. It’s the morning after one of the best days in his life, the day she agreed to be his wife, they were just going to have breakfast together, and oh why is she spoiling it now by mentioning Dameron –

“Kylo.”

She stands behind him, her arms folded on her chest, a smile on her lips. The smile he can’t resist.

“I _am_ doing something for him, and for the others. They’re getting a stack of credits and a ship each, to go and start a new life wherever they want –”

“That’s nice, but that’s not enough. Not for him. You owe him more.”

“That’s not enough?” Kylo protests feebly. “He can spend the rest of his life sunbathing on Naboo if he feels like it, without a care in the world!”

“Would _you_ like to spend the rest of your life sunbathing?” Mara asks, frowning. “Don’t insult him. You know very well what I mean. He has been traumatised by the war, and not least by what you did to him. He needs something else than being parked on a sunny planet with lots of cash.”

“We were at war. Terrible things happened. I am not his therapist –”

“Kylo,” Mara repeats, stepping closer to him and taking his hand, and his whole resolve to oppose her scheme, whatever it is, disintegrates. “You told me you were ashamed of things from your past. You can’t change them, and deflecting the conversation won’t change them, either. But you have a chance to fix it. Do it for yourself, if you don’t want to do it for him.”

He is silent, gazing at her and holding her hand, his lifeline, because it’s unpleasant to think about those times again. Snoke, the killings, the tortures, the battles, and the few hateful, murderous words he and Dameron exchanged at the meeting between the Resistance and the First Order, when Kylo and Leia signed the ceasefire agreement. Both he and Dameron were then itching for a fight – a good old fistfight – and it would have happened, and he would have killed Dameron, had Leia not separated them. 

“Promise me you’ll think about it,” Mara says, pressing her forehead to his cheek and snaking her arms around his waist. He leans into her touch.

“Of course I will think about it. You know I always listen to you.”

“I care about him,” she admits. “He is unhappy. Restless, tormented. He reminds me a lot of you when I met you.”

Kylo inhales sharply, but she strokes his cheek.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she whispers. “Your life has changed. You can help him so his life can change, too. You know he wants to help, to be part of something important. Did you see how well you two worked together at the meeting with the Krant leaders?”

Kylo did see. Dameron accompanied him to the meeting last night, as did Mara and the Knights, and he did a surprisingly good job of supporting Kylo at the exact moments when he needed support to reassure the three local leaders. Dameron acted as a liaison, an intermediary, the role Mara used to take at Kylo’s meetings with other galactic politicians.

Before the leaders’ arrival, they agreed on a story to tell them, because they couldn’t tell them everything. Mara’s crash and stay on Krant was acknowledged, which explained Kylo’s arrival to search for her, but not a word was uttered about Arn-Seth. Then Kylo offered help, promising a few New Order star destroyers would be sent to Krant in the next weeks to bomb their way through the rings of debris, so that the planet’s communications with the rest of the galaxy could be re-established, and failing this, that people could get a chance to evacuate if they wanted to.

And all along, Dameron cooperated.

“So what are you saying – that I should give him a job?” Kylo asks.

“You’re leading a big military organization. He’s one of the best pilots in the galaxy, and a former general. Surely there must be a role for him, something he could usefully do, rather than sunbathe? You two even have the love of flying in common. You have a chance to be generous, Kylo. Make it up to him.”

He sighs, then reaches out and moves a strand of hair away from her forehead.

“How is it that I can never find reasons for not listening to you?”

“This is why you hired me,” she smiles. “I’m useful like that.”

He takes her hand, the one with the engagement ring that she wears so beautifully, and kisses her knuckles slowly, one by one.

“Ready to leave?” he asks, glancing at the bag she packed, which is lying on the bed. This afternoon they’re leaving on his shuttle to rendezvous with the _Stardust_ – assuming Hux is there, waiting for them as agreed – outside Krant’s orbit.

“I can’t wait,’ Mara sighs.

“The moment we’re back on the _Stardust_ , we are setting course for the Unknown Regions, to Arn-Seth’s base,” Kylo reminds hesitatingly. “But once that is over… in a few days, hopefully… we can start talking about the wedding.”

“I don’t want a big wedding,” Mara says. It surprises him, because usually she likes parties. He thought she would want a big celebration on Chandrila, with all their allies and friends. “This is personal. I don’t want media or tons of guests. Let’s just have a small and intimate gathering.”

“Why don’t we get married on the _Stardust_ on the way home then?” he jokes. “No media there. And we could do it sooner, in a few days.”

“Yes,” she replies very seriously. “Yes, let’s do just that.”

* * *

Coming out of the forest and onto the lawn in front of the base, Finn walks straight into Kylo Ren, wielding his red lightsaber and slashing the air in front of him with such force and precision that were Finn to walk a few steps closer towards him, he’d be cut in half.

He screams before he can activate his rational brain. Before he can see that Ren is not even facing him but stands to the side and has no opponent, while behind him the Knights are sitting on the grass under a tree, all dressed in something that looks like training clothes. 

They’re training. This is not the Starkiller base. It isn’t snowing, and yet Finn shivers and feels a dull pain at the base of his spine, just like on that night when Kylo Ren, looking like an angel of darkness bent on bloody revenge, with madness in his eyes, beating his own wound savagely, cut Finn’s back open and almost killed him.

Ren stops in his tracks and turns to him, lowering his weapon. The Knights peer at them curiously but soon resume their conversations.

“I’m practicing forms,” Ren says. 

For a long moment, Finn can’t get the voice out of his throat, there’s not enough air in his lungs, so he simply nods. When finally his voice returns –

“Can you please,” he gestures to the saber and swallows, “turn this thing off? I can’t…”

His legs give in and he sits down on the grass, his head in his hands. He can hear the sputtering, crackling sound cease, and Ren’s boots approach him.

“It’s off.”

Finn glances up but doesn’t say anything.

“I wasn’t going to attack you,” Ren says and there’s a question mark in the tone of his voice. He sounds _puzzled_. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand what Finn is so afraid of.

“I still have nightmares about this,” Finn utters, looking up at the black figure towering above him. “You, and the snow, and this blade. Your eyes. My death.”

“You’re alive,” Ren says. “You might be the second person ever who was in a duel with me and survived.”

“Oh yeah?” Finn asks, uncertainly. That’s definitely a different way of looking at it. “Who was the first one?”

“Arn-Seth, as it turns out.”

“Oh. Of course.”

They remain silent for a moment.

“Right,” Finn gets up from the ground. “I’ll leave you to your training.”

Ren extends his hand and a silver hilt of another lightsaber flies through the air to him. He catches it effortlessly.

“Hey!” Djawan yells, jumping to his feet from his resting place.

“Just borrowing it,” Ren mutters and makes a movement with his hand as if he was going to pass the hilt to Finn.

“What are you doing?” Finn asks, his heart drumming in his chest.

“Why don’t you try again,” Ren says. “No real duelling this time. I can show you a few fighting stances, we could practise that, and then you could try to attack me. I won’t hurt you. I’ll be just defending myself.”

“What, you want to _spar_ with me?” Finn asks, incredulous. “You’re asking me to do it  _for fun_ , after you almost killed me once?”

“Yeah,” Ren shrugs. “That’s one way of getting rid of nightmares. You control it, you don’t let it control you.”

Is this his way of saying he’s sorry? Finn almost asks him but decides against it in the last moment. There’s no need. Especially that he starts to warm up to the idea… he did wonder, sometimes, how it would feel to hold this thing again. It felt so peculiar back then, _alive_ , scary, and powerful. 

Ren’s working his jaw in silence.

 “It’s not like I have great memories of that night,” he says suddenly. “It would be good to put this behind us, I suppose.”

“I suppose that’s right,” Finn reaches out and grabs the hilt.

“Careful there. Make sure you hold it this way and not the other when you ignite it, or you’ll run yourself through with it.”

Finn nods, moves his arm away from his body and slowly presses the button. The blade sputters to life; it is red but there’s no crossguard, and the humming sound is less pervasive and threatening.

“It’s more stable than mine,” Ren explains. “Djawan’s more or less your height and build, so his saber is likely to offer you the best grip. M’biren’s or Tw’oorah’s could be too big and unwieldy.”

“Not like I would dream of asking Tw’oorah to lend me his saber,” Finn mutters, and Ren actually – chuckles?

“Right,” he says, igniting his own blade and turning to his side, so that he stands beside Finn, rather than facing him. “First, the feet. I will show you.”

More than an hour later, Finn is panting, sweating profusely, and his arms are killing him. He hasn’t landed a single blow on Ren, as was to be predicted. But he knows how to hold the saber now – more or less, at least – and he can do two or three fighting positions correctly, footwork and everything, at least in slow motion. And most importantly, he has enjoyed it. They crossed blades after half an hour or so of practicing forms, and then he attacked and attacked, in all possible ways, from all possible sides, and Ren parried effortlessly, but their blades did clash time and again, and Finn advanced, and dealt blow after blow, and it was, actually…

Fun. It was fun. Whenever their blades touched, it felt very… satisfactory. And then the Knights joined, sparring with one another, but Sansena also sparred with Finn for a few minutes, and though of course he was doing a deplorable job in comparison to the rest of them, he really, really _enjoyed it_.

When he can take it no longer, Ren stops, as if on cue, and extinguishes his blade.

“Not bad,” he says with a shade of a smile on his face. “Not too bad at all for a first time.”

“Second,” Finn grins, despite himself. He can’t help it. “Rey would be proud of me,” he adds, and Ren nods.

“I’m sure she would be.”

They are starting to walk towards the base and Finn can finally catch his breath, when suddenly Ren states:

“You used to be a trooper.”

“That seems like a long time ago,” Finn replies. A year ago, the New Order opened its archives and released the information about the origin of children who had been kidnapped by the First Order to become stormtroopers. Finn learnt that he was from Lothal, and that his parents had been farm labourers. They were already dead. He had no siblings. He went back to his world for a visit but didn’t want to stay there. Since then, he has tried to leave all that behind.

“I have a proposal for you,” Ren says.

* * *

They board the shuttle at the beginning of the afternoon. Twenty people from the base are going. After all that’s happened, Poe can’t wait to leave the damn place – even though, beyond the first two days that he’s going to spend, like everyone else, on Ren’s flagship, he has no idea what’s in the cards for him.

This morning, when Ren and his Knights were training outside – apparently Finn joined them, which Poe found rather shocking given Finn’s history with Ren – Mara came to tell the rest of them that she was engaged to be married. She showed them the ring, which turned out to be Leia’s ring. Poe had no idea Kylo Ren had it. This stang a bit – to know that after all that Ren had done his mother still cared for him so much… and now Mara does, too. This guy doesn’t deserve it, he’s just too lucky, and it still rubs Poe the wrong way, even though he’s happy for Mara.

On the shuttle, Ren and the Knights are all going to the cockpit. It will be a bumpy ride, and they will need the Force to shield the shuttle from the debris. The Resistance people and Mara are staying in the transport bay, strapped to their seats. They’ve been warned not to move around.

Mara is nervous. Ren talked to her for a long time before they boarded. Poe hasn’t thought of it before, but now he realizes her memories of the crash on Krant must be still quite vivid. Ren can’t be by her side – at least not for most of the time – because he is needed in the cockpit. Of course, Poe would love to pilot this thing. But without the Force, his prowess isn’t enough; he knows it, he has already tried crossing the ring of debris in his own ship.

Once Ren leaves Mara and they take off, she gets visibly scared. In general, she’s not a fearful type, and even now she doesn’t scream or cry, but she becomes very still and pale. The ride is hellish, they swerve and jump violently, avoiding a few catastrophic collisions, but they keep getting hit by smaller debris. At one point Mara draws a blanket over her whole body and head, and hides under it, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face in her arms. The cockpit is silent; maybe they are communicating with one another via the Force, Poe has no idea, but in the transport bay people scream a little. Rose is one of them, and Finn also doesn’t look very reassured as he squeezes her hand. Outside the viewport, big chunks of debris suddenly freeze or change their trajectory, as if held in place or pushed by something powerful. The Force is operating all around them. It’s weird and scary, and overwhelming.

And then, blissfully, it calms down. They’re not past the ring yet, but past the most difficult part of it. The rhythm becomes much smoother. Another minute and Ren, together with Tw’oorah and Sansena, returns to the transport bay, leaving the cockpit to M’biren and Djawan.

Ren sits by Mara’s side and peers under the blanket. He says something and she leans into him immediately. He peels the blanket off her head and wraps his arms around her. For the next ten minutes or so, he keeps talking to her in a hushed voice, stroking her arms and her hair, while she calms down.

It’s still rather amazing to watch, because it’s Ren, though they have witnessed quite a few scenes like this in the last days. Poe feels slightly envious. Again, he resents it that Ren should have such a good life and a loving wife – but then, he must admit that Ren has spent all the time since the war doing things, doing something, to build a new life for himself and to build a _whole new fucking galactic order_. While Poe –

He glances to the side, feeling someone’s eyes on him. It’s Sansena; when their eyes meet, she winks, and he feels his face flushing red.

_He_ should be winking at her, and feeling smug. That’s how he used to be. Not a womanizer, perhaps, because it’s an ugly word, but popular with the ladies. Confident, conscious of his appeal, never hesitant to use it. But now, even though last night his charm turned out to still work, he feels uncertain. It had been a long time, and he’d been getting bitter, putting more distance between himself and other people.

However, Sansena Ren didn’t care about his sad life story. Last night, after dinner, she said to him:

“I’m in the room at the very end of the corridor.”

“I know,” Poe said, like an idiot. Before, he wouldn’t have made such a stupid mistake. But he wasn’t used to it anymore, and she laughed.

“Are you dumb, or are you a virgin?”

Then, he understood.

He knocked on her door an hour later and didn’t leave before the morning. She made him come four times before he almost passed out at around four o’clock in the morning in her arms, and of course he made her come a few times, too. The first time he was sat on a chair and she rode him, joyful, wild, predatory, and he shattered completely. It had been too long since he held a woman, warm, eager, panting, in his arms, and it felt as if he had awakened from a long sleep. She made him remember how it felt to be alive.

And now she winks at him. They’ll probably go separate ways soon but he will remember her and what she did to him, what she did _for him_. She doesn’t seem to be one man’s woman, but she was the right woman for him at this time. And he was right for her – he remembers how she moaned when he turned her around and pounded into her, bent over a chair. It felt _glorious_. It also felt a bit like fraternizing with the enemy, which gave it an additional edge, but well, the war is over, everyone keeps telling him that, and it’s not like he had sex with Kylo Ren…

Tonight, on Ren’s dreadnought, if she is willing, he will knock on her door again.

For now, the fragments of space debris outside the viewport seem to have disappeared for good. They’ve made it. They are outside the ring, with Krant visible behind their backs, and all of a sudden there’s a buzz coming from the cockpit.

“Kylo, incoming transmission from the _Stardust_ ,” M’biren says in a triumphant voice. Outside the front viewport, a mega-class star dreadnought, _the bloody_ Supremacy, is hanging in the sky, facing them.

“This is Grand Marshal Hux of the New Order,” utters a cold, crisp voice which Poe knows and hates, and a bluish holo appears in front of M’biren and Djawan. “Identify yourselves.”

* * *

“You have made him a Grand-Marshal?” Mara exclaims, squeezing Kylo’s hand so hard it almost hurts. She’s been doing it without realizing for the past ten minutes, since he came back to sit next to her. That’s good; it makes her forget the crossing, which clearly was too much for her. He actually suggested, before they took off, that he could put her to sleep with the Force and wake her up when they are outside Krant’s orbit, but she refused. She was afraid they’d crash and she’d die in her sleep. Well, it wasn’t an easy ride, and Kylo is relieved to see her brighten up again.

“He practically ran the Order for three months,” he admits. “I was… not always up to it. He will have a surprise of his life when he sees you. Actually, why don’t you answer him now?”

“Can I?” she asks, bouncing with joy. Kylo used to be jealous of Hux, he was furious when he found out Hux and Mara had kissed, but that was all before. Before Kylo and Mara got together. Before Mara loved _him_. Now he doesn’t mind her friendship with Hux anymore.

“Go ahead.”

She runs to the cockpit, Kylo following her, and takes the comlink from M’biren’s hand. For some reason, the outgoing holo projection doesn’t work so Hux won’t be able to see her – the system might have got damaged during the crossing – but they do have a voice link.

“Good afternoon, Armitage,” she says, and there is a deadly silence on the other end. Hux’s holo, flickering in front of them, frowns.

“Who is this?”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, after they have docked on the _Stardust_ , the hatch of the shuttle opens and Hux bursts in. He envelops Mara in a hug and lifts her from the floor.

“I couldn’t really believe it until I saw you with my own eyes!” he exclaims, glances at Kylo and pats his shoulder, to which Kylo raises an eyebrow. “Well done, Ren! Well done! I still don’t understand though –”

“Well, there’s a story there,” Mara says. “A story you’ll definitely want to hear.”

“Not now,” Kylo cuts them off. “We’ll talk about it in a moment, in the meeting.”

But for some time, the joy of the reunion cannot be contained and becomes so infectious that everyone, the Resistance people included, gathers around them. They have made it, they’re alive, Mara is back. The celebration mood is somewhat dampened, though, when Hux spots Poe, Finn and Rose.

“Well look who we have here,” he says drily, letting go of Mara. “The very people I hoped never to see again. Do you still bite?” he asks Rose, and Mara giggles.

“All the pleasure is ours,” Poe replies in an equally sarcastic tone of voice.

“It can’t be helped, I suppose,” Hux remarks stoically and turns to Kylo, “Ren, the holoconference with the top commanders has been called as requested by you. Everyone is waiting. We are starting as soon as we get there.”

“Very well,” Kylo says and everyone starts heading towards the shuttle’s exit.

 “So I get a vicious slap on the face as a welcome, and he gets a tender hug,” Kylo mutters to Poe, Finn and Rose who are walking close to him. “And I am not supposed to be jealous?”

“Has he just made a joke?” Finn whispers to Poe, who has difficulties keeping a straight face.

But there’s no time to discuss that because as soon as they find themselves outside the shuttle, they walk into an ocean of white. The stairs and all the decks in the hangar bay above them are full of stormtroopers in their armours, but without their helmets, shouting and cheering. Mara laughs and waves to them. Even Kylo smiles.

* * *

Finn drinks it all in. These troopers must have gathered here in the fifteen minutes that passed between the holocomm and the landing, to welcome Mara. In the old times, who would imagine such a display of festivity and joy on a First Order ship? Who would imagine the stormtroopers to be so happy about the return of their leaders? And who would think they’d be allowed to walk around the ship without helmets?

This morning, when Ren made him a professional proposal, Finn didn’t turn it down but he wasn’t exactly convinced. Now, when he sees with his own eyes how much has changed here, he actually feels like trying.

“I need more people supervising the stormtrooper programme,” Ren said. “Hux used to be in charge, but I don’t trust him alone with that. He can be a bit… ruthless.”

“Mhm.”

“I want to offer them good conditions. There’s no kidnapping, anonymity or coercion anymore. Still, I don’t always realise what they need to have a good life. We are revising rules constantly. I want to give them all equal opportunities and a chance of advancement and promotion, and I want all the worlds in the galaxy to be able to participate in the programme. I could do with more knowledgeable people to help with that. Like people who used to be stormtroopers themselves.”

Ren got silent there and didn’t really ask the question.

“So you’re offering me a job,” Finn prompted, still elated after his sparring match.

“Would you take it if I did?”

“I’ll think about it.”

* * *

“I see you _are_ thinking about it now,” Rose smiles to him as they walk behind Ren, Hux and Mara up the stairs, towards the higher decks and the ship’s corridors.

“It’s nice to see the troopers being so cheerful. Maybe Ren has done something right here. Maybe I could help.”

“How curious, it’s the same bloody ship,” she remarks. “And yet nothing seems the same. Even we are different.”

“Where are we going?” Poe asks one of the troopers who are escorting them.

“I have orders to take you to your new quarters, sir,” the man replies. “You will all be allocated rooms. You may rest, and your dinner will be served in the officers’ mess in the evening. The Supreme Leader and Lady Mara are going to the meeting with the commanders now but they will join you at dinner later.”

“I see.”

They walk through several shiny, black and silver corridors and Poe starts to wonder where the living quarters are and whether they’re far from the ship’s bridge, when Ren, his Knights, Mara and Hux stop in front of the turbolift.

“We’re going up here,” Ren says, looking at Poe.

“Right,” Poe says. The troopers walk on with the rest of his friends, but he lingers.

He’s dying to know what they’ll be talking about – they must be planning a secret operation, an attack, it must be related to what they found out from that guy on Krant, Siro – but that’s all Poe will ever know about it. He’s offered help once. Ren didn’t take him up on his offer. He knows better than to insist. So Ren and his people will save the galaxy, as usual, and Poe has a few hours to think what he’s doing next and where he’s going tomorrow, after Ren gives him a ship and credits to get rid of him.

Poe has no idea where he will go, but to avoid being pathetic he will have to act as if he did have a plan. So he will take the ship, and only after he jumps to lightspeed he will think of a destination. Perhaps he could visit Rey on Cantonica –

“You coming?” Ren says as the turbolift door opens.

“What?”

“To the meeting,” Ren frowns. “Are you coming or not?”

“Why are you inviting him to a top secret military meeting?” Hux barks. “The war may be over, but he’s still the Resistance scum –“

“Careful, Armitage,” Mara says in a level voice and silence falls. Poe glares at Hux, who looks distinctly displeased.

“It’s a military meeting with the top allied commanders,” Ren says blankly. “He is the commander in chief of the Resistance. If my mother was alive, she would be occupying that position and I would invite her to this meeting.”

“The Resistance are not our allies!” Hux hisses, looking outraged. “You can’t be serious, giving away our military secrets to these people –”

“Aren’t you?” Ren asks, his dark eyes darting to Poe.

“Aren’t I what?”

“Allies.”

“Well,” Poe starts, after a moment of tense silence. “I suppose we’ve never… signed any alliance agreement.”

“Would you sign one if I prepared it?” Ren inquires curtly. The turbolift’s doors close but he waves his hand and they open again.

“I… it depends on the conditions, but in principle, I wouldn’t be opposed to it...”

A few days ago, he would have laughed in Ren’s face. An alliance? Even the bloody ceasefire was still a thorn in Poe’s side. He would have said no. Anyway, what is there to sign between them? There’s no Resistance anymore. They ceased to exist as an organisation in actuality, if not formally, and he’s no longer a commander because he has nothing and nobody to command. He has literally not a single ship, no army, and no credits in his pockets. He has no place in this meeting. Hux is right, and Ren must know it.

“So,” Ren speaks, “You’ve heard the Grand Marshal. This is a top-secret meeting. I can’t take any chances about loyalties. You said you wanted to help –”

“Yes,” Poe says. “Yes, I’m coming with you.”


	18. The last trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Poe finds his purpose and Kylo gets help from where he least expected it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I wouldn't be able to post this week but in the end I managed - here it is, so enjoy!

“I can hardly believe all this,” Hux speaks. He and Mara are standing by the _Stardust_ ’s main viewport, on the ship’s bridge, looking at the frozen moon in front of them. In a moment, all hell will break loose there. It took them one week to come here from Krant; they had to leave hyperspace after only one day of travelling because hyperlanes don’t even extend that far. They’re deep in the Unknown Regions, an unchartered territory, largely uninhabited or at least uninhabited by sentient beings. There are no allies of the New Order here and no patrol ships. Kylo didn’t want to draw too much attention to this mission and to their movements, so no other capital ships accompany them. Not that they will need them; it’s a matter of a lightning-speed attack, Kylo argued, and Hux had no choice but to believe him because nobody apart from Kylo knows for sure where they are and what they will find here.

Kylo ripped the memories of this place and its coordinates from Siro’s mind. He saw the plans of an underground base on this frozen moon orbiting a gas giant in a remote system, far away from the system’s dying star. It is the end of the galaxy. It’s the place they’d never have found on their own, not in a thousand years. There are millions of moons like this. And on its surface, nothing gives away the deadly secret hidden inside.

“I mean, of course I believe it, but I can’t get over the enormity of it. Months of being stalked by that creature, brainwashed, coerced, harassed, blackmailed… and then you had the guts to trick him so you could kill him. That was a mad plan, Mara. It could have gone wrong in so many ways.”

“It was a desperate plan. I did that for Kylo. And I did it thanks to you.”

“Thanks to me?”

“Of course. That knife was a gift from you. You told me I might need it for defence one day, and you taught me how to use it.”

“Anyone could have given you a knife.”

“But nobody else did. Maybe without it I wouldn’t have had the courage to do what I did.”

“Well, I’m glad I did.”

“Do you not see how symbolic it is?” she asks, turning to him and smiling for the first time since they met here almost half an hour ago to observe the operation. “You helped stop another massacre from happening. You helped save several billion lives.”

He shakes his head.

“You are reading too much into it.”

“No, I’m not. The Force has mysterious ways…”

They both smile.

“You’re trying to make me feel better about myself,” Hux says, staring blankly at the surface of the moon where all is quiet for the time being. “But there’s no need. I know what I have done. Hosnia is my thing to carry until the end of my life, and so be it.”

They are silent for a moment, then Mara asks:

“What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t killed him and instead left Krant with him? Would he bring me here, to this base? Kylo doesn’t want to talk about it…”

“You mean whether that guy would have kept his word and left Ren alone in exchange for your staying with him? No, I don’t think he would have.”

“I don’t think so, either,” she sighs.

“Here’s what I think he would do,” Hux says, clasping his hands at his back. “He would keep you as his mistress for some time. Not a very long time, I think, because it wasn’t really about that. Then he would contact Ren. He’d make sure to let him know he’d made you his mistress. And then he’d propose an exchange.”

“What kind of exchange? Me for the galaxy? That’s absurd. Kylo would never agree to that.”

Hux laughs.

“Kylo would agree to anything for a chance to get you back,” he says emphatically. “So he’d go to meet him and they would talk. Arn-Seth would tell Ren about the remaining missiles, hidden in the Unknown Regions and waiting to be fired in case he didn’t come back. Then Ren would weigh his options. He couldn’t leave without you. But he couldn’t leave Arn-Seth the whole galaxy, either. In the end they would fight, and Ren would kill him.”

“And then the missiles would be fired and trigger another cataclysm. How could Kylo accept that?”

“He would,” Hux insists. “Because that would be the only way. The lesser evil. Another several billion lives, but then no more. Then it would be over. Rather that than the whole galaxy. And _much_ rather that than letting Arn-Seth keep you.”

“Are you saying Kylo would sacrifice billions of lives to save mine?”

“Of course he would, Mara. It wouldn’t be an easy or pleasant decision, but he would. You can’t pretend you don’t know it. Would you rather he didn’t? You don’t have to answer this question,” he adds, seeing her look uncomfortable. “You’d rather not, I understand that.”

“It’s an ugly business we are in,” Mara utters, looking miserable.

“Yes. And it’s about to get uglier,” Hux says, pointing to the moon. His comlink buzzes with a message. “Ren has landed.”

* * *

In the end, Mara told Kylo to go. He was ready to stay with her on the _Stardust_ , just like she asked him to when they were on Krant. However, at the meeting with the commanders, she whispered to him that if he really felt he needed to lead the attack himself, she would not try to stop him.

“But you’d better come back, Kylo,” she said, her dark blue eyes watching him anxiously. “You’d better be right about this being easy. This had better not end tragically.”

“Of course I will be back.”

And he meant it. It was the first time he allowed himself to actually promise. Like hell he would allow this to end tragically! They were getting married. He was going to end this once and for all. And then he was going home, with her.

The transport shuttle in which Kylo and the Knights approach the hidden base on the frozen moon is cloaked, and the _Stardust_ , also cloaked, remains outside the orbit. Xeria labs worked for months on this new stealth technology that could render a starship invisible to any known detection devices, including by hiding its magnetic signature. Anyway, as Kylo knows from reading Siro’s mind, no one from the outside is aware of the base’s existence and location, so its occupants aren’t too worried about a surprise attack. These occupants – mercenaries and outlaws hired by Arn-Seth – were transported here after the cataclysm and haven’t left the base ever since. Arn-Seth had apparently several hidden bases at his disposal, all of them built by Snoke unbeknownst to Kylo or anyone else in the First Order. Arn-Seth kept their location a secret, so that even Siro, his closest collaborator, didn’t know all of them. That was the best security measure, and it would have protected this particular base from detection even after Arn-Seth’s death – if only he hadn’t made a stupid mistake of taking Siro with him to Krant, where Kylo found him.

But in the end, Arn-Seth made many mistakes, Kylo thinks, preparing to land. Rage and resentment aren’t the best advisers.

The base is composed of two main parts: one larger wing with the command centre and the other, smaller, with a hangar in which the ship with the missiles is being kept. The plan is for Kylo and the Knights to take control of the smaller wing, get to the hangar and disable the ship’s remote activation sensors. In this way, once the people on the base realise they’re under attack, they won’t be able to launch the missiles at distance. Meanwhile, Dameron will lead an aerial strike on the main wing of the base and bombard them to hell. Finally, Kylo will fly the ship with the missiles back to the _Stardust_.

Hux was mad when Kylo revealed this plan at the meeting with the commanders. He hated the Dameron part, obviously. Dameron himself couldn’t believe Kylo was letting him take command of the New Order’s TIEs.

It was only logical. Dameron is the best pilot Kylo knows, besides himself. Normally it is Kylo who would lead the TIEs, but he can’t be in two places at the same time. And Mara positively beamed when he presented the plan, so much that Kylo was on the point of letting Dameron fly his Silencer, but he stopped himself at the last moment. Too much is too much.

So Kylo and the Knights land close to where the entrance to the smaller wing of the base should be. They emerge from the shuttle, scanning for cameras first. It is freezing outside. The moon has an atmosphere, but it’s extremely cold, and it’s possible to stay outside only during the day. At night the temperature drops so dramatically it cannot sustain sentient life, so there is hardly any life here besides bacteria trapped in the ice. For Snoke, it seems, the bleaker it was, the better, as far as secret base locations were concerned. Here Kylo goes again, thinking of how Snoke was leading him on. He was even more of a dupe than he suspected, so gullible that it makes him grit his teeth when he thinks of it. Snoke must have been taking him for a complete idiot: blind obedience, blind faith, and total ignorance.

This is the past, Mara said to him last night when he woke up after a nightmare. It’s over, and you need to leave it behind. Let the past die. You killed Snoke in the end, and I killed Arn-Seth. Who is laughing now? We have won. Tomorrow we will finish this.

* * *

They need to move fast, or else the cold will get to them. Kylo can feel the presence of living beings underground, in the tunnels of the base; their aura is calm, they don’t expect an attack. The mercenaries are waiting for Arn-Seth and Siro’s return from Krant. A month from now, in the event of Arn-Seth’s disappearance, they have orders to launch a second attack. For the time being, however, they have no reason to be anxious. They will not see it coming and most of them might not even have the time to feel any fear before they die. But die they must; everyone on this base will die today. It will be an easy win. They’re not that numerous. A maximum of two hundred people, all of them men.

Sometimes, in the depth of the night, when Mara is peacefully asleep by his side, Kylo thinks about that. What would Arn-Seth do with her once he brought her here? What fate did he reserve for her? To be his bedfellow or to be tossed like a toy to all these men who haven’t seen a woman for months? She could spend the rest of her life here as their slave. Kylo would never find her in this place.

He shudders; they arrive at the hidden entrance. The code was in Siro’s head. Once they get in, the corridor is dark and empty but Kylo can sense people moving in the distance. This wing is practically unmanned; it’s just a few hundred metres of corridors and a hangar. When they finally come across soldiers, Kylo snaps their necks with a wave of his hand before they have a chance to shout. And this is how they move forward: every now and then a patrol comes out from around the corner and the soldiers die quickly, either Force-choked or, if they are at a close range, by lightsaber. A quarter of an hour later it’s a big tomb full of dead bodies, with very few screams uttered and without one blaster shot fired.

The hangar at the very end is huge, and the ship in the middle of it small in comparison. It is golden. Not shiny – its surface is smooth and mat but unmistakeably golden, and so are the six torpedoes on its sides. It doesn’t look like a Sun Crusher, the schematics of which they’ve all seen. Its shape is more that of a star destroyer, triangular with a pointed end, but overall rather long and with a comparatively small wing diameter. It could probably contain no more than five people. There is no trace of a hatch, but Kylo finds and opens it with the Force.

“Resonance torpedoes?” Djawan ventures.

“No idea,” M’biren responds, scanning one of the missiles with a small device. “Not anything I’m familiar with, in any case. We’ll have to get them to Xeria and take them apart. That’s the only thing we can ultimately do with this ship. We can’t blow it up.”

The golden ship, the sleek design. It all reeks of Snoke. Arn-Seth told Mara it had been developed by Palpatine, but it could also be another of Snoke's secrets. If so, why did he have this thing built? Why did he choose to let one of his apprentices into the secret and not the other? Why didn’t Hux know? What was Snoke planning to do with this weapon? Kylo will never find out. Staring at the thing, he feels sick to the heart. Is this the last one or are there others that Siro didn’t know about? How many other secret bases are there? And how many other deadly traps did Snoke leave behind?

“All right,” M’biren speaks. “I’ll start working on the remote activation sensors.”

Kylo watches him get down to work methodically, and has to stop himself from igniting his saber and slashing the ship, together with its missiles, to bits.

* * *

“Remote launch disabled,” M’biren announces ten minutes later.

“Black leader, over to you,” Tw’oorah barks into his comlink.

A few minutes pass in total silence as they survey the entrance to the hangar. Nobody comes; before the people in the main wing realize something is wrong, Poe will be upon them. As on cue, all of a sudden bombs start falling onto the bigger part of the base and the whole underground structure shakes with the force of explosions. In the other wing, probably mayhem ensues. But here, everything remains quiet.

* * *

“Ren,” Poe screams, “We’re starting to take too much fire from their defences. I’m calling the TIEs back. We’ve done enough. The stormtroopers have landed and disembarked; they’ll need to finish the job inside the base.”

“Good call. Go back to the _Stardust_ ,” Kylo says into his comlink. “The Knights will be joining the troopers on the ground.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll wait here until all their defences are neutralized. Then I’ll take this ship to the _Stardust_.”

“Negative,” Dameron replies immediately. “We haven’t managed to finish them off from the air so you might be needed on the ground. I can fly this thing back to the _Stardust_. I’m coming to you.”

“What? Where are you now?”

“I’m landing next to the entrance you used. Heading for the hangar. All clear there?”

“All clear,” Kylo says. His instinct tells him to order Dameron to fly back to the _Stardust_ as initially agreed but actually Dameron’s suggestion is a good one. He will know how to fly this ship. And he can be trusted with it, although Kylo doesn’t really want to admit he trusts him. But most importantly, after the first few soldiers Kylo killed on the way to the hangar, he is itching for more. Since he can’t kill Arn-Seth with his own hands, this is the best alternative.

Soon Dameron runs into the hangar, looking a bit dishevelled and sweaty, and inspects the ship with wide eyes.

“So this is what they used for the first attack? These torpedoes can erase whole worlds?”

“Best not find out,” Tw’oorah barks.

“Just wait for our signal,” M’biren says. “Don’t you dare to try to be clever and take off before we make sure it’s all clear.”

“I could try to jump to lightspeed directly from the ground,” Dameron suggests, his eyes shining, barely trying to hide the excitement, but Kylo shakes his head. He has thought of it too.

“We have no idea how stable these weapons are. There’s a risk of explosion. For once you will need to play it safe. No crazy manoeuvres.”

“Oh, so you like my manoeuvres?” Dameron grins and jumps into the cockpit. “No worry. I’ll wait. Just keep them away from here.”

“We will,” Sansena speaks and the two of them lock eyes for a moment, then she turns away.

“Two squadrons of troopers will be coming this way, and Tw’oorah will stay with them,” Kylo says. “They won’t let anyone get through to you.”

“Right, the troopers are inside the base now,” Tw’oorah says, listening to his comlink. “Let’s go join them and finish the bastards.”

“What’s going on?” Kylo asks Sansena as they run along empty corridors towards the juncture of the two wings of the base.

“With what?”

“With you and Dameron. What was that look?”

“Nothing, Kylo,” she replies and the way she does it, without any trace of her usual cockiness, makes him pause. Can it be –

But there’s no time to think about it as they’re under attack. Enemy troops flow into the corridor from the opposite end, shouting, but before they have a chance to do any damage, they’re cut down by the stormtroopers’ blaster fire. The smoke starts to fill the place so they move forward, going from room to room and killing everyone they find. The TIEs are waiting outside, cloaked and safely beyond the range of the ground defences, waiting to shoot down whoever tries to escape the moon.

As foreseen, it’s not a difficult operation. There aren’t that many hostiles left, the troopers are much more numerous, and the Force makes it even easier. So after a time Kylo ceases to use the Force because hand-to-hand combat feels so much more gratifying. He doesn’t count how many lives he takes with his lightsaber, but he hardly stops. He and the Knights split up and disperse, searching all the rooms of the base. No mistake is allowed, every nook and cranny has to be checked, lest a wretch hiding there should fire at Dameron when he takes off in his deadly golden ship. That could trigger an explosion that would blast everyone to hell, including the _Stardust_. The torpedoes that have the power of destroying planets have to be handled carefully. No risk is acceptable.

Kylo is the first one to enter the big room that must be the command centre of the whole base. His lightsaber slices through the door and when the metal panel falls down with a thud, he jumps inside through the hole. The troopers flow in after him and spread throughout the area. It could have been the scene of a last fight against the enemy troops but instead, the room is dark and empty. It looks like it’s been abandoned, even though all the consoles along the viewport are lit up. The red light blinks –

The explosion is deafening and, even if Kylo should have suspected foul play, he has got so distracted by his rage that it takes him by surprise. It must have been remotely activated, or there was a sensor in the door. Still, the Force allows him to react, just like on Zeenah when he had the time to slow down the falling block of concrete before it hit him on the head. But also like on Zeenah, the split second is not enough and Kylo can see the blinding light engulf his troopers before it reaches him. He extends his hand to lock it inside a Force shield but the blast is too powerful and at too close a range; he knows instantly it won’t work. He turns away in a desperate attempt to protect himself as the flare reaches him and burns his back and shoulder –

But instead of swallowing him and shattering the walls separating the room from the corridor, the explosion suddenly dies down. Kylo staggers, jerks away and looks back, incredulous.

“Hello, kid.”

Time stops.

* * *

The blue halo, the beard, the long robe, and the arrogant face expression, which Kylo remembers and _hates_.

The Force ghost of Luke Skywalker stands between Kylo and the ball of fire, now contained inside a Force shield. It wasn’t Kylo alone who generated it. Even his power and mastery of the Force would not have been enough on this occasion. He has been helped, and for a moment, before he thinks of Mara, it crosses his mind that he’d rather have died than accepted help from that man. The pain in his burnt back and shoulder is maddening, his ears are ringing, and the room is terribly hot from the explosion. He suffocates; he tears his helmet off his head. He can hardly stay on his feet and think straight in that moment. But he will be damned if he shows any weakness to Skywalker.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Kylo barks. “You’re not welcome.”

“I thought you could use some help,” Luke says, smiling.

“I could have used help on many other occasions,” Kylo shoots back. “Yet I never saw your face until now. Why now?”

“Because this time, you wouldn’t have made it alone, Ben.”

“As if you cared.”

“I do care,” Skywalker replies, gazing at him with the usual distant amusement in his eyes. Kylo finds that look infuriating. “And also, I suppose, I owe you. But I’m watching you anyway. I told you I would always be with you.”

“Couldn’t you stop the cataclysm that killed billions of people, then?”

“There are limits to what Force ghosts can do, Ben.”

“Right,” Kylo turns away. As far as he’s concerned, this conversation is over, but when he starts walking towards the door, Skywalker appears again next to him.

“You’ve done well, kid,” he says. “Go now and look after that burn on your back. Let your woman take care of you.”

“Oh, so you know about her?”

“Of course. I can’t say I’m surprised. You’ve never been much of a Jedi.”

“To hell with the Jedi!” Kylo yells. He feels like taking a swing at Skywalker but there’s no point in trying to hit a ghost. “I’m reaching my balance. You should have tried that, too.”

“Well, I wouldn’t quite say you’re reaching your balance just yet,” Luke corrects him in his patronizing tone of voice. “You’re in love. It’s not the same, even though for you it might be the closest thing possible. And you’re right, I’m not the best placed to talk about balance. Lyra will offer more advice, I’m sure.”

“Her name is Mara, not Lyra,” Kylo barks. “If you choose to come here and annoy me, at least do your homework, old man.”

At that, Skywalker laughs wholeheartedly.

“I know what your future wife’s name is, Ben.”

“So who the hell are you talking about?”

“You’ll see,” Luke says. Kylo scoffs and rushes past him, and this time his old master doesn’t stop him.

Only when Kylo gets out onto the corridor, through the hole in the door that is still smoking from his lightsaber, and when he sees Djawan and Sansena running towards him, his whole body starts shaking uncontrollably and nausea overtakes him. His back is on fire and he can’t walk anymore.

He almost died. He would have been dead now. He wouldn’t keep his promise to Mara. He wouldn’t come back to her.

The blood is pounding in his ears. He takes deep breaths, again and again.

He turns around, suddenly regretting having been so harsh, regretting not saying anything of substance, not asking about anything – his mother? – but it’s too late. The blue halo is already dissolving in the air in front of him.

“Kylo!” Sansena grabs him by the arm. “They put bombs in some of the other rooms… there were explosions, we lost some twenty troopers! We were just behind them, otherwise we would have got burnt… Are you injured?!”

“Goodness, Kylo, your back is smoking!” Djawan shakes him by the shoulder. “Are you all right?”

“I walked into one of those explosions,” Kylo replies. Words come with difficulty and it takes him a long time to understand what they’re saying. “I think… maybe there is some poisonous gas here, too.”

“Why aren’t you wearing your helmet?” Sansena asks and he realizes he is still holding it under his arm.

“I got hot,” he says and leans against the wall; the pain flares up, he hisses and crouches.

“Go to the shuttle, Kylo,” Djawan suggests, bending down to look at him. “We are almost finished here. There isn’t much left to check.”

“I need to see everything is safe before we give Dameron the signal –“

“No, you don’t need to see anything,” Sansena cuts him off. “We will take care of this. You take two troopers and go back to the shuttle, now. _You don’t have to do everything yourself, Kylo!_ ”

I saw Skywalker, Kylo wants to say but doesn’t. Not now. Not here. He nods and starts to walk towards the exit of the base, accompanied by two troopers.

It takes a long time, because he can’t walk fast, and actually it becomes so painful he needs to stop twice on the way. The troopers turn their heads to him, visibly anxious, even though he can’t see their faces. He can’t bring himself to put his own helmet on; he has the impression of suffocating, he needs air. The corridors are filled with smoke and there’s still some shouting but it’s getting quieter.

**_Because this time you wouldn’t have made it alone, Ben._ **

Outside, the cold hits him in the face and he pauses but actually it feels nice. He contemplates lying down on the ice to relieve the pain in his burning back, but thinks better of it and drags himself to the Upsilon-class shuttle. This is where Tw’oorah finds him a few minutes later. By then, Kylo is lying on his stomach on one of the bunk beds. He hasn’t managed to take off his tunic; it sticks to his back and the effort has only worsened the pain. He prefers not to imagine what his burnt skin looks like under the layers of clothing.

Tw’oorah takes one look at him and strides to the cockpit without a word.

“Wait,” Kylo calls after him. “Is it all clear?”

“All clear. I’m comming Dameron. He can take off.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure, Kylo,” barks Tw’oorah.

“I walked into an explosion and Skywalker’s ghost saved my life,” Kylo says and Tw’oorah stops in his tracks. A moment later, the Twi’lek crouches next to the bed Kylo is lying on.

“His Force ghost saved you?”

“He did. He helped me generate a Force shield to contain the blast. Without him, I would be toast.”

They look at each other for a long moment, then Tw’oorah’s eyes flicker to Kylo’s back and he frowns.

“We need to get you to the med bay. We’re leaving, now. The others will get another shuttle.”

“Put me under,” Kylo asks. “Just for the duration of the flight, then wake me up. It’s too painful.”

He barely finishes the sentence when Tw’oorah waves his hand. Just before he falls into a dark abyss, a last thought makes it to the surface –

_Who is Lyra?_

* * *

Kylo wakes up curled on his left side in bed, his back to the wall, facing the sterile interior of the _Stardust_ ’s med bay. He can feel the chill of the conditioned air on his bare chest and a pleasant coolness on his back. Mara is sitting on the floor next to his bed, her face just centimetres away from his, and strokes his hair gently.

“I asked him to wake me up as soon as we landed…” Kylo murmurs. Mara kisses his nose.

“Welcome back. Are you in pain?”

“No… is everyone back? Is Dameron back?!” he remembers, jumps up and almost bolts out of the bed. “Is that ship safe? Those weapons are extremely dangerous –”

“Calm down,” she tugs at his arm and he complies, lying back down in the same position as previously, while she weaves her hand again into his hair, stroking his cheek with her thumb. “He’s back. He flew that ship back here, and now it’s sealed in a hangar. Everyone else is back, too. Sadly, we lost some troopers. And M’biren got injured in an explosion, like you, but he’s going to be all right. Everything is fine, Kylo. It was splendid teamwork.”

“It was,” he admits. “Did you see my back?”

“It didn’t look good. Pieces of fabric melted into your skin… that’s why we kept you sedated while the droids worked on you. But it’s all clean now, and covered with bacta. The doctor says there will be no trace if you spend the night in the tank.”

She has tears in her eyes. Kylo reaches for her hand and squeezes it.

“So it won’t even look ugly,” he murmurs. “No reason to cry…”

“You think I’d be crying just because it might look ugly?” she scoffs through her tears. “I just hate to see you hurt. I hate to see you in pain.”

 “I have to tell you something,” Kylo says. “The explosion was very sudden, I got caught by surprise, and –”

“Luke Skywalker’s Force ghost saved you. I know. Tw’oorah told me. It’s amazing.”

“That old man should make up his mind, whether he wants to kill me or save my life,” Kylo mutters begrudgingly.

“I think he did,” Mara smiles again, stroking his face, and looks at him as if he was the most precious thing in the galaxy. Kylo can feel tears coming to his eyes. It’s embarrassing, he doesn’t want to cry about his meeting with his dead uncle. He needs time to think about it.

“How long have I been asleep?” he changes the subject.

“Four hours. We have set the course for Xeria to dump the missiles. We’re in hyperspace now.”

“What? But we should have stayed there, we should have struck that base from orbit after everyone got back, annihilate it –”

“Kylo,” Mara says, tugging slightly at his hair as if he was a naughty child. “You need to learn to trust your people. We did strike. Do you think Hux would have passed up on that? He was itching to fire. _We almost blew that bloody moon up_. And I must say I really enjoyed watching that.”

He closes his eyes for a moment, relieved, and when he opens them again, she is still watching him with a smile. She doesn’t let go of him.

“And that’s the last time I let you go into battle,” she murmurs. “You get hurt too much. That was too close. Once we’re married, you will be a stay-at-home husband.”

She is a miracle, warm, loving and beautiful, with his ring on her finger. It might all be a dream, he might have been knocked out and burnt in that explosion, and in reality he is now dying alone in the abandoned building on the frozen moon. Or even worse than that; he will wake up alone on the _Stardust_ and Mara will still be missing, and the villain who caused the cataclysm would still be in hiding.

“It’s over, Kylo,” Mara affirms, as if she was reading his mind. “We ended it. Together.”

“You did the hardest part. You are a warrior, in the end. Who would have known?”

She laughs, but he can see she is pleased.

“Stay with me here,” he murmurs, trying to pull her up from the floor. “Let’s go to sleep.”

“You will sleep in the bacta tank, Ben. And I will sleep alone on this bed here.”

“But you will stay in the med bay with me?”

“Of course. But you know, I fear we are becoming an old couple.”

“Oh?” Kylo raises his head. That doesn’t sound good.

“Because,” Mara explains, her eyes sparkling, “Poe’s TIE got hit during the operation and he got a little knocked about inside it, so on his return he was having his shoulder and head examined in the room next to this one… and then Sansena came to see him, like I came here to you –”

“I knew it! So it’s true! There’s something going on between them!”

“Oh, it’s definitely true. _They had wild sex in the med bay._ I heard them. I think they had no idea the room next to them was occupied. So I had to endure it all… while looking at you, unconscious… and then you wake up and ask me to just lie down and sleep…!”

She bursts out laughing and presses her lips to his. He snorts and returns the kiss. It’s a moment of complicity, celebration and tender love. Tomorrow, he will show her they are _not_ an old couple.

“Move over,” Mara says. “We can have a snuggle before we put you in the tank for the night.”

He makes room for her and she climbs onto his bed. She reaches for a blanket, covers the upper part of his body with it and crawls underneath.

“Your skin feels cold,” she murmurs, wrapping the soft fabric carefully around his shoulders and leaning into his chest. “You need to get warmer. Is this all right?”

With his both hands, Kylo takes one of hers and presses it to his heart, the warmth from her palm spreading immediately over his whole body. Mara rests her forehead against his, the fingers of her other hand combing lazily through his hair.

“I love you,” she whispers. “Now rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, who is Lyra? :-)


	19. Lady Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the newly-weds look together into a mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sweet moment so that everyone can catch their breath... before the series' finale coming next week.

They get married a week later on the _Stardust_ as it hangs in the sky above Xeria, the New Order’s industrial and technological stronghold. The golden ship with the deadly missiles is already hidden away safely in Xeria vaults. The weapons will be examined and taken apart. In the meantime, Kylo’s burnt back has healed, and they have made arrangements for the wedding. The secret mission being over, as of tomorrow all those who took part in it will be heading to different corners of the galaxy. But that will be tomorrow.

The wedding ceremony is held in a small committee, and tonight a big celebration will take place on the _Stardust_ , to which everyone on the ship, including the troopers, is invited. Naturally, Mara’s parents are here. After the return from Krant, Kylo commed them to tell them he brought their daughter home. Mara wanted him to announce it before she spoke to them herself; she was afraid hearing her voice out of the blue, without any warning, might be too much of a shock, and she wanted Kylo to be part of what naturally became a moment of pure joy. When the king and queen of Neelia arrived on the _Stardust_ last night, the first thing Mara’s father did, after embracing her, was to hug Kylo. Needless to say, that was a first time in a very long while that anyone apart from Mara dared to hug Kylo, but Kylo didn’t protest.

Mara’s parents brought with them a state clerk who is officiating the marriage today. A conference room on the _Stardust_ has been transformed into a wedding venue and adorned with flowers. All of their friends, the old and the new, are there, when Mara and Kylo say the vows and put the wedding bands on each other’s fingers. These have been made in record time, and by a different jeweller than the one who was previously late with Mara’s engagement ring.

Mara is wearing blue silk, Neelia’s traditional colour and fabric for brides, but she’s also sporting an Alderaanian wedding braid. This was a surprise for Kylo, who was speechless when he saw her walk towards him with her hair styled the way his mother had told him brides had worn on Alderaan. Mara’s parents brought a few stylists and designers on board the _Stardust_ , so she had the time to plan the perfect look with them.

But wedding arrangements are not all they did on the way back from the Unknown Regions. They worked, too. The day before the wedding, just after depositing the ship with the missiles on Xeria, they published an official statement revealing Mara’s return, the identity of the attacker, his demise and the destruction of his military base. They didn’t divulge the truth about how he died, though.

“You don’t want to take the credit and be the galaxy hero? People would love that,” Hux frowned when Mara made it clear she didn’t want her role in Arn-Seth’s death to be mentioned.

“Nobody would believe I killed him, Armitage. There are days I hardly believe it myself.”

Even without the details of Arn-Seth’s death, the holonet went wild. From one day to another, the threat of a second attack, so far looming over the galaxy, disappeared. The news has sparked countless debates and opinion pieces, and it will likely provide sufficient food for the media for the weeks to come. Soon the media will also be informed of Mara and the Supreme Leader’s wedding, which will offer a true fairy tale ending to the drama. Hux has engineered the communication; however, Kylo agreed only on the condition that it would be officially announced after, and not before the ceremony. Today is private; it’s just for the two of them.

Kylo’s voice, usually deep and thunderous, trembles slightly when he speaks his lines. When the official pronounces them husband and wife, Kylo looks at once happy, scared, hopeful, and incredulous. So many contradictory emotions, Mara thinks as she smiles and squeezes his hand to reassure him. This is a reward for all they have suffered.

It’s time to think about the future, but Mara also reminisces about the past. They have come a long way from the moment she saw him for the first time, dark, haughty, mildly irritated and deeply uncomfortable, in the royal ballroom of Neelia, more than one and a half years ago. And when it’s time for the bride and the groom to kiss, she leans in eagerly and kisses Kylo first, remembering their very first kiss – which she also initiated – in his quarters on the _Tempest_ , three months after their first meeting and a few days after the battle of Zeenah.

No dark clouds are hanging over them now, no threat spoils the joy of the occasion. Just after the wedding, they enjoy a small drink with friends and Mara’s parents, then move to the reception room where the troopers are already celebrating, and mingle with them and the officers for the rest of the evening. They make their rounds together, then separate, and Mara is again reminded of that first reception on Neelia as she suddenly catches Kylo’s eyes across the room. He is standing with people and talking to them, but he watches her. He did that back then, too, while she, busy catering to all her guests, often looked around, searching for him but pretending not to. There is still the same seriousness and shyness in his eyes now, even if by now they have told each other all the words of love, got to know each other in the most intimate ways, lost and found each other a few times. He is still so attentive to her, still refusing to take anything for granted, and the intensity in his dark eyes still leaves her breathless. He turned her on from that first moment on Neelia, and not just in the physical sense. He commanded her whole attention, body and mind, and he gave her all his attention, too. He caught her eye, made her skin tingle, occupied her thoughts, and she felt such a pull towards him that the day after the reception she got on her shuttle and flew onto the _Supremacy_ to ask him to hire her as his adviser.

All that started there and then culminates now, as Mara’s eyes meet her husband’s across the room. It’s getting late and she reads a longing in them, a longing she also feels. Last time they threw a large reception like this, for their anniversary, the following day they got separated in the cruellest manner, and billions of people died in a cataclysm. This time, they will have a happy and sweet night, and the next day everything will still be good and nothing will stand between them again. She made sure of it. He made sure of it. This happiness, they have worked for it. They have deserved it.

“Lady Ren,” an officer says, approaching her and bowing. “The Supreme Leader asked me to give you this.”

He passes a chip card to her. It’s a key, and she knows what it opens.

“Thank you.”

Lady Ren. This is a surprise indeed, but not a bad one. Mara smiles as she slips out of the reception hall discreetly.

* * *

The door of the red sofa room, the one with the giant viewport overlooking the galaxy, hisses open as she presses the card to the panel outside the room. In this very lounge, reserved for the Supreme Leader’s use, Mara asked Kylo to hire her; in this room he read her mind for the first time, and agreed to give her the job.

There’s a bottle of champagne on the little table by the sofa, already open, and two glasses are filled with the drink. Kylo is standing at the viewport, his hands clasped at his back.

“There’s my husband,” Mara walks towards him with the glasses. “You’ve done very well, my love. So many hours at the party before you ran away! You’re getting better and better at it.”

“I had enough of small talk,” he says, accepting one glass from her and clinking it against hers before he takes a sip. “I don’t even remember the names of most of the officers who spoke to me.”

“That’s because it’s the first time ever they have dared to speak to you, to congratulate you on our marriage. You are simply too scary.”

 “I know one who isn’t scared of me,” he pulls her to him, her back to his chest. He wraps his arm around her waist and Mara leans into him.

“Looking at your galaxy, Supreme Leader?”

“ _Our_ galaxy.”

 “Do you know they call me ‘lady Ren’ now?” she asks, turning her head to look up at him. Kylo glances at her quickly.

“They do? And what do you think?”

“Well, royal family members on Neelia don’t have surnames. I have always been just Princess Mara of Neelia. So I suppose now I could be lady Mara Ren… or Solo. Can I be both?”

“You can. But the Solo name and the lady title somehow don’t go together. We Solos aren’t aristocrats. How about ‘Mara Solo’ and ‘lady Ren’?”

“It’s settled. I think this really made me realise –”

“That you married the galaxy’s monster?” Kylo smirks, finishing his drink, releasing the empty glass into the air and guiding its movement back to the table with a wave of his hand. “Welcome to the dark side, Mara.”

She turns around in his arms and pulls him in for a kiss.

“You taste of champagne,” she whispers as Kylo sighs with contentment into her mouth.

“Music twenty percent,” he says and a slow violin piece begins to play from the hidden loudspeakers. He takes her hand.

“Do you want to dance with your husband?”

“Marriage has really changed you,” Mara smiles. “You even like dancing now?”

“I don’t like dancing in front of other people very much, but when it’s just you and me…”

“Dancing with my husband with this starry sky as a background, on my wedding night, with champagne. Now that’s what I call an unforgettable evening.”

She puts her glass away and wraps her arm around his neck. They sway slowly to the music, closely pressed together, and Kylo caresses the back of her hand with his thumb.

“Just like at the Naboo festival,” Mara murmurs. “And it gives me the same butterflies in the stomach.”

“You were naughty at that festival. Playing erotic mind games with me.”

“Not that you minded.”

“I didn’t. But now I can do that, which I couldn’t do back then.”

He tilts her chin up and kisses her.

“I love you too much for my own good,” Mara sighs.

“Don’t say that. I hope I’m not making you that unhappy.”

“Not unhappy. You make me _too happy_. When I thought I lost you my life made no sense anymore. Are we too dependent on each other?” she asks, pulling away to look at him. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“I don’t think I can do anything about it now,” Kylo snorts. “I can’t decide to love you less.”

“Neither can I. Nor would I want to.”

“I’ll just have to go everywhere with you from now on,” he teases. “So that if something bad happens, it happens to both of us.”

“But love is about freedom, Kylo…”

“Screw freedom. I just want you. I always only wanted you.”

“You’ve got me now. We are together forever. Are you happy?”

“You have no idea.”

“Show me then,” she whispers, clinging to him, her eyes glazed over and full of promises. “Show me, Kylo.”

* * *

Back in their quarters, he pushes her lightly towards a large desk in front of the viewport.

“Mirror on,” he says and the glass pane transforms itself into a mirror. Mara can see herself in it, leaning against the desk, and him behind her, towering over her, black and beautiful. He reaches down to the hem of her dress and slowly drags it upwards. She raises her arms and lets him take the dress off her. Her underwear follows. It’s beautiful underwear and he hums appreciatively as he removes it, but in truth Kylo has never been one for fetishes. It’s her body he craves. When she’s naked, he kneels, undoes the clasps of her high-heeled shoes and kisses her ankles.

Still fully clothed himself, he looks up at her and slides his hands up her legs. He pushes her slightly towards the edge of the desk and Mara knows what comes next; she leans against it, lets him lift one of her legs and place it on his shoulder so that he can dive into her. He kisses up her thighs and soon his mouth is on her mound. He licks her slowly but not gently; he presses his tongue to her so that she can feel friction from its rough surface, and drags it over the whole length of her folds. She is with her back to the mirror now, but it’s enough to look down at him, his dark head, his mouth working at her aggressively and hungrily. Even if he’s kneeling before her and not the other way round, he is in command. She leans more and more heavily against the desk and trembles under his lips and tongue; he raises his head for a moment and flashes her a wild look.

“I’m so close, Ben,” she breathes and he responds by digging his fingers into her hips as he continues lapping at her. His tongue is everywhere at once, his breath is hot on her and she opens her legs wider, though she doesn’t need to, because he takes what he wants anyway.

“Yes, you are,” he mutters straight into her opening and resumes licking. Mara grabs fistfuls of his hair and pulls him deeper into her wetness. He lets her hold him in place and _groans_ as she pulses into his mouth and rubs herself against his face.

She catches her breath slowly, not letting go of his hair. Even after she comes down from the crest of her pleasure, she still enjoys the heat of his mouth. When she finally releases him, he looks up at her and smiles in a very arrogant way.

“Very needy,” he murmurs. “Good, because I’m not done with you yet.”

He rises and, looming above her, he starts to shed his own clothing. He wants her to watch, so she looks at him appraisingly and touches him as soon as he is naked. He’s hard and _so big_ , as she wraps her fingers around him and gives him a few lazy strokes, but he bats her hand away, grabs her by the shoulders and turns her around. Now, she can see them in the mirror: his hands on her breasts, his mouth at her neck, and his eyes boring into her reflection.

“So,” he says quietly, dragging his fingers slowly from her shoulder to her hip, across her body, as she shivers. “Now, lady Ren, how would you like your husband to take you for the first time? Would you like him to carry you to the bedroom, lay you down in the sheets and climb on top of you so that you can look into his eyes? Or would you prefer him to bend you over this desk while you watch in the mirror?”

“Or maybe I prefer to be on top?” Mara teases, grinding her backside against him. “Maybe I want to take _you_?”

“Ah, but you don’t,” Kylo coos into her ear, his hand brushing the inside of her thigh. “I can see you’re not in the mood for that. In fact, I don’t need you to answer the question. I know what you need.”

With one hand on her neck and the other at the small of her back, he pushes her down onto the desk, leans down and kisses her back, from the nape of her neck down. Standing between her spread legs, he rubs himself against her, then slightly raises her hips to get better access.

“I’m afraid it won’t be a long foreplay session,” he whispers into her neck, between the kisses, and trails his hands between her legs. “I hate to make you wait.”

She watches breathlessly as he straightens behind her, all broad chest, thick arms and black mane. When he grips her hips and pushes all the way in with one deep slow stroke, the sensation and the sight – with him looking down, watching their bodies join until his hips hit her – is a wild combination. He doesn’t give her much time to adjust; he starts moving, holding her firmly, and Mara moans as he picks up the pace. She’s wet but still tight as usual at the beginning, so the friction is delicious, and Kylo moans too as he pulls her by the shoulder to lift her head higher.

“I want you to watch,” he hisses. She slides her forearms under her chin – _it feels so good to have it this way, flat on her stomach, squirming under him_ – and watches as her body moves back and forth on the surface of the desk with each of his strokes. He is like a wild storm, his hair in his face, his movements strong and desperate.

“Enjoying this?” he pants, thrusting even deeper. He knows everything by now. He knows the angle, the depth, the spots to hit inside and the spots to stroke outside for her to come undone under him. But the mirror… To feel his hands on her hips is one thing, but to see what it looks like when he grips her – to see his dark eyes glaze over as he starts grunting with each thrust, this – this is precious. She rises slightly on her arms but he puts his palm between her shoulder blades and pushes her down. Stay like that, his eyes command, and she loves it –

It all becomes one, the sight of him, his hands on her body, the movement of his hips and the hot, burning sensation inside, the tingling that becomes sharper with his every movement. As pleasure engulfs her body and she gets all focused on that feeling growing in the pit of her belly, Kylo reaches between her legs and starts stroking the swollen, aching spot above her entrance. It’s such a contrast, between this light and slow brush of his fingers and the brutal strength of his hips, that it takes her only a few more seconds. She comes so hard that her legs give in under her and she would slide off the desk if he weren’t holding her. Kylo’s deep groan changes into a whimper and when she glances into the mirror again, he flashes her a helpless, tortured look as he bites his lower lip and explodes, buried deep inside her. Mara can feel the warmth of it and the waves of his pleasure. In the mirror, her hair is a mess, her makeup all over her face. She is still lying flat on her stomach, and her husband’s palm rests on her back possessively as he bends over her body, breathing heavily.

What an amazing wedding picture it is.

“Are you crying?” Kylo frowns, leaning down to kiss her neck. He puts one arm under her and pulls her up. She trembles and he wraps her in his arms, then draws away to examine her face.

“Why, Mara? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“I don’t know,” she confesses, offering him a sloppy kiss, “I loved it – it was perfect – I just –”

“Oh, the young bride’s emotions,” Kylo murmurs, smiling and scooping her up in his arms. He lifts her onto the desk and hugs her. “So delicious and innocent, all scared as she makes love to her husband for the first time, discovering pleasure and ashamed of her own reactions, this kind of thing…”

Mara snorts and smacks him on his back.

“You’re being too smug about your skills.”

“But it was good, wasn’t it?” he grins. His eyes are shining and there are dimples in his cheeks. She loves the dimples.

“Carry me to bed now like a good husband should on the wedding night,” she asks and before she finishes the sentence, she’s already up in his arms.

* * *

In the bed, she stretches comfortably in his embrace, her head on his chest, as Kylo trails his fingers over her back. Then he lifts their joined left hands, on which they both wear their wedding bands, for both of them to see.

“I’m never taking it off,” he says.

“Not even when you do naughty things to me with your fingers?” Mara teases.

“ _Especially_ not then.”

He lays their hands on his chest and Mara presses her cheek to them.

“For better and for worse,” she says. “And hopefully all the worse has already happened.”

“Apart from when the media find out that we got married, and the pictures leak. Then the real horror will start.”

She laughs and kisses his hand tenderly.

“How’s your back?” she asks.

“It’s all fine. The new skin is still a bit sensitive.”

“Show me.”

He turns to his side, away from her, and she runs her hands over his back and shoulders carefully. She must be finding it to her satisfaction because she kisses him there a few times, then settles behind him, snakes her arms around him and strokes his chest.

Kylo closes his eyes. He will make love to her again, and again. But for the time being, this feels divine. His wife’s warm body against his back, her affectionate kisses on his skin, her hands caressing him. It’s the best place to be.

He falls asleep almost instantly and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, his first thought is that someone must have knocked him out with the Force. Maybe Mara has really acquired new skills.

She is still pressed against his back, deeply asleep and snoring lightly. He turns around carefully in order not to wake her and peers at her in the dim starlight seeping into the room through the curtains. His wife is lying on her side, looking dishevelled and absolutely beautiful, her left hand resting on the pillow beside her head. The wedding band is on her finger together with the engagement ring. He covers her hand with his own and gazes at her for long minutes, her warm breath on his face, her fingers curled in his palm, until he falls asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there - just one chapter left, which will end the story and the whole series. Stay tuned because all the outstanding questions will be answered there, and there's one last surprise coming...


	20. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lyra is introduced

_**Two weeks later** _

“I’ll have a Jogan fruit lemonade, please. With ice,” Mara smiles to the waiter who bows to them every few seconds and almost drops the datapad on which he notes the orders.

Kylo has asked for caf and a piece of Air cake. He doesn’t often eat sweets, but it felt cheap to have only caf in a place where everyone is bending backwards to receive them with as much distinction as possible. They got the best table outside, as Mara wanted, and at a reasonable distance from the other tables, so as not to be too close to people, as Kylo wanted. It’s a beautiful day and the café is full. The other patrons behave very much like all the people Kylo and Mara met during the fifteen-minute walk from their residence to this place, which is located on a square in the centre of Hanna City, bustling with activity. Mara insisted on coming here for an afternoon treat and going on foot, and then she insisted on greeting, on the way, everyone who greeted them. Smiles, handshakes, congratulations on their reunion and the wedding – there was no end to it.

Gradually, however, everyone leaves them be and Kylo can breathe. The sun is doing him a lot of good, though he would prefer to enjoy it in a less central and exposed place. They only returned yesterday; for Kylo, it was after almost four months of life on a starship. And Mara missed being around normal people in a normal place, doing normal things, as she put it, that is to say things other than fighting, killing, and dealing with the aftermath of a galactic cataclysm. They did their part. They had a right to rest.

That’s true. They will also have a proper honeymoon, he promised her, just a bit later, when the situation in Bothan Space is more stable. For now, if she wants to go have a drink in a café in the city centre, of course they will go. But the looks and the smiles are somewhat unnerving. He is still not used to this – to enjoying a positive kind of celebrity.

Now, Mara sips her lemonade and nibbles at his cake. She glances at him and smiles.

“I missed that,” she confesses, and a wave of happiness comes over Kylo.

Last night she quickly undressed in front of him, let her hair loose, and slid under the sheets, clinging to him immediately. She started kissing him hungrily, but when he responded in kind, she slowed down, running her hands over his skin, snuggling in against him, humming, her lips not leaving his for a second. These were slow and sensual kisses, with quiet moans into his mouth. They spent long minutes like that, lying on their sides, their bodies flush, and just kissing. At the end of it, he was so aroused that he could almost come just from the sensation of her tongue on his. Mara grabbed his hand, put it between her legs and, as he dived into her with his fingers, she took him in hand. This is how they came together a few minutes later, still licking passionately, with utter abandonment, into each other’s mouth: their hands on each other, he rubbing her, she stroking him.

She was smiling all along, her eyes shining. She was home again, in their bedroom, in their bed. When they had arrived in the late morning, she spent an hour just going around, opening the closets, looking through the shelves. The house was warm and clean, her garden had been taken good care of in her absence, and she touched her trees and ran her hands through the flower beds when they took a stroll outside.

“Happy to be home?” he asked her later, at night, after the kissing and lovemaking session, when they were lying in each other’s arms.

“Happy to be home and happy to be your wife.”

They came back without their friends. M’biren stayed on Xeria to supervise a team of his most trusted engineers and mechanics in the process of taking apart the weapons from that damned golden ship. Rose Tico will be one of them. She accepted a job offer that M’biren, on Mara’s recommendation, made her. Xeria is orbited by several moons with atmosphere and pleasant living conditions, where many of the employees of the New Order’s industrial stronghold have settled down. This will be Rose and Finn’s home, even if his job will require a lot of travelling because he will be part of the team overseeing the stormtrooper programme for the whole of the New Order’s fleet.

Tw’oorah and Hux stayed on the _Stardust_. While Kylo resumes the leadership of his galactic Alliance and of his Council on Chandrila, his second-in-command and his Knight return to Bothan Space for another few months. They will continue to lead not just the relief operations, but also the reconstruction work, assisted by the Alliance fleet. Tw’oorah and Hux, as usual, aren’t a dream team but they have received a formal instruction to work through their differences. For the time being, that is to say since yesterday, when they left Kylo and Mara on Chandrila, no major clash between the two has been reported.

Sansena and Djawan went back to inspecting the New Order’s military bases all over the galaxy and joining patrol missions in different systems. Sansena is planning to set up her home base at the military complex on Scarif, which might or might not have something to do with the fact that Poe Dameron happens to have just accepted a job there. He will head a team of pilots who do the field testing of new fighters and other types of craft for the New Order. Kylo likes to test prototypes himself but it’s never easy for him to find time for that on top of his usual duties, so he has now relinquished the privilege to Dameron.

“Does this mean Sansena will bring Dameron with her as her significant other when the Knights and Hux come to visit us next month?” Kylo asks Mara as they’re finishing the cake together. She laughs.

“I suppose so – if it lasts!”

If it lasts, which with Sansena is never sure. But on their way back from Xeria to the Core, which took two weeks as Kylo had to hold meetings with his commanders and approve the last plans for the reconstruction, Sansena and Dameron, before they both got off on Scarif, visibly grew much closer right in front of Kylo’s eyes on board the _Stardust_. Kylo isn’t sure yet what to think of it, but he has noticed that Dameron has become less grumpy. This Kylo understands; he remembers undergoing a similar transformation after getting together with Mara.

Not everything is rosy though. There’s still a lot of work to do in Bothan Space. Also, Kylo has sent ships to the Unknown Regions, to look for any other secret bases where Snoke, Palpatine, or whoever, may have hidden other unpleasant surprises. So the New Order is sending its probe droids into space again, this time into the vast expanses of the Unknown Regions. It won’t be in vain, even if they don’t find anything suspicious; for a long time, Kylo has wanted to trace new hyperspace lanes through that part of the galaxy, and to put the area on the galaxy’s detailed maps. Perhaps, in some time, he and Mara will even go there on an exploration expedition. They’ve already seen many of the well-known parts of the galaxy, so Kylo is curious of new worlds, and he knows Mara shares that curiosity.

For the time being, however, she just wants to be home, and he wants nothing else.

“We can start thinking about the future again,” Kylo says as he puts his arm around her and invites her to drag her chair closer to him. They’re outside and there are people around, but he doesn’t want to refrain from showing these signs of affection.

“I have been thinking about the future all this time,” Mara says, turning to him and brushing her lips against his cheek. “This is how I survived that madness. I was always imagining the future.”

“What did you imagine in particular?”

“Would you like me to show you?” she asks and, all of a sudden, looks strangely self-conscious. It is intriguing.

He takes her hand and dives into her mind.

* * *

He is in their garden. It’s spring. On the lawn, in front of him but a few metres away, a child is playing. It’s a little girl, perhaps three years old or slightly younger, crouching on the grass. She’s busy observing some insects or a bird; he isn’t sure because he can’t see very well from where he is watching.

She turns towards him and smiles, then stands up and starts walking in his direction.

Kylo’s breath hitches. It takes him a second or two to understand but once he does, he thinks his heart might jump out of the ribcage.

The girl has black hair and there are dimples in her cheeks when she laughs, as she does now. She raises her arms and a cloud of butterflies appears from behind her. They all flutter around her head and finally settle on her arms. She stands motionless, careful not to scare them off, but she can’t help grinning.

“You are doing this,” Kylo says to her though it is just an image in Mara’s mind and he’s not sure she can hear him.

“No, I’m not,” the girl replies happily. “I’m not making them. They _want_ to come to me.”

* * *

He stares at Mara, incredulous, and she looks back in an anxious-but-hopeful way.

“A child! You thought – of having a child? With me?”

“Obviously, with you,” Mara smiles. “I talked about it once to the women there, on Krant… it was just a pleasant conversation to cheer ourselves up. But after that, I thought about it sometimes. I found such solace in it when things got darker. Did you… what do you think?”

“What I think?” Kylo repeats. “I… so you want to get pregnant?”

“Well, maybe not just now. But perhaps in the next two years… you know, I’m not so young anymore, and if ever we wanted to have more than one…”

“You’d like to have more than one?”

“And what would you like, Kylo?” Mara asks. “We don’t have to, if you don’t want to. It was just a thought. I’m happy anyway.”

It is the strangest thing – because until a few minutes ago, he never thought about it, or at least not seriously. Until recently, he wasn’t even sure she would want to marry him. And now, suddenly, it’s quickly becoming his most treasured dream for their future.

“But what if,” Kylo starts, “what if this child is like…”

He hesitates. He doesn’t want to spoil everything. If he scares her with that, she might change her mind. But on the other hand, they need to talk about it. His family doesn’t have a strong track record of handling well the challenge of difficult children.

“If the child is like me,” he finishes and falls silent. Mara is silent too for a moment; she just watches him carefully.

“Well, I hope the child is like you,” she says in the end. “Otherwise why would I want to have a child with you?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I know what you mean, Ben. But there is no Snoke to get into your child’s mind and corrupt her. And if there was, you could protect her. She will have a father who will know and understand everything that she could possibly be going through in that department. Plus, her mother might not be Force-sensitive, but she is good at managing Force users.”

Kylo snorts but gets serious again quickly. This is serious, this is the best thing that will happen to him, and he can’t screw it up, like he screwed up some other things in his life and like Han Solo screwed up the relationship with him. Last night, looking at Mara, Kylo wondered at how little he had – just this person sleeping next to him – to keep him from darkness and madness. How this one person made a difference between complete happiness and complete despair. And how fragile his sanity was, if it all depended on that one person whom he’d almost lost.

And now, there could be more. He could build more life for himself. More people to love, more people who would love him.

“My father was negligent,” Kylo utters. “He couldn’t cope, I was too much for him, and he was always absent. I won’t do that. I will look after my family.”

“You will be a great father,” Mara says, stroking his hand. “A loving, attentive and very present father. I have no doubt of it.”

He pulls her to him. She puts her head on his shoulder and hums with contentment.

“But let’s not think about it too much yet,” she murmurs. “You never know with these things. I might not be able to get pregnant… Let’s talk about it seriously when we feel the time has come.”

“You say that, but I bet you’ve already been choosing names with Rose and Merja and those other women on Krant,” Kylo teases.

Mara laughs and lifts her head.

“Just a little, for fun! We had nothing better to do! Do you want to know what my idea was?”

He nods. Sure he wants to know –

 – And just like that, half a second before she opens her mouth, all of sudden it clicks in place and _he knows_. The understanding darts through him as if he ignited a lightsaber through his own heart, and it feels similar, because the shock of the realization almost knocks him out.

“I thought, if it’s a girl, maybe Lyra?” Mara says. “It has a nice musical sound to it. I don’t know, it just matches the image of her that I have in my mind. But it’s just a first idea… Kylo? What is it?”

He is trying to catch his breath. He would cry if they weren’t in the middle of the city square with plenty of people around. He clenches his fist and bumps it against the table in front of him.

“That old bastard!”

“What’s going on?” Mara asks, looking bewildered.

“You will be able to get pregnant,” Kylo says, taking her hand. “No worry about that. You will get pregnant, and it will be a girl, and we will call her Lyra.”

“Why do you sound so certain?”

“Because I know it. Luke Skywalker told me about her.”

*

Lyra Solo, the Grey Jedi, will not inherit her mother’s beauty, except for her deep blue eyes. But she will inherit her calm firmness and strength of spirit, her quiet authority and control, and the throne of Neelia. Lyra will have her father’s black locks and somewhat angular features. From her young age, her bone structure will indicate that she will grow tall and lean, perhaps a bit bony for a girl, but definitely athletic, fast and agile.

She will take the unmatched mastery of the Force after her father, together with his strong passion, which she will use to believe in the ideas important to her and to protect what she loves. Reaching for the dark and the light side of the Force in equal measure and trained in both from her youngest age by her father, who himself will continue to favour the dark side, Lyra will acquire new, previously unheard-of skills. Her signature power will be the uncanny and truly astonishing capacity to communicate through the Force with the natural world – the plants, the animals, and all the living beings in the galaxy.

The strongest of the new generation of Force users, Lyra will preach a new philosophy, renouncing the dichotomy of Light and Darkness with the moral judgment inherent in it, as well as the old codes and constraints imposed on the Jedi, such as the lack of attachment. She will encourage the understanding and practice of the Force in a way that allows for passion and peace, darkness and light, to co-exist without conflict.

But that will be many years from now.

*

“It looks like you’ll need to forgive your uncle in the end, Ben,” Mara smiles. Kylo shakes his head.

“I didn’t understand when he told me… he knew I wouldn’t, of course. He was mocking me as usual.”

“I’m sure he will show up again to discuss that with you. Perhaps after Lyra is born?”

“About this,” Kylo leans towards her and whispers into her ear, “Just tell me when. _You tell me when you want it, and I will make it happen_.”

She laughs and bats his arm away, but her eyes sparkle mischievously.

“He said she would bring me balance,” Kylo remembers. Mara nods.

“I’m sure she will. But it’s not like you’re nowhere without her. You’ve done pretty well for yourself so far.”

They finish their drinks; Mara looks around, searching for the waiter.

“Let’s walk in the city a little,” she suggests. “And maybe this afternoon we could walk by the sea, after the holoconference with the _Stardust_?”

Kylo beckons the waiter over, and a moment later the owner of the café himself shows up at their table. He’s a middle-aged man with a mane of blond hair streaked with grey, and pale blue eyes, bringing to mind summer.

“Supreme Leader, Lady Ren,” he greets them. “I hope you enjoyed your drinks and cake. There’s nothing to pay, they’re on the house. It’s a great honour for me to have you here.”

“Nonsense,” Kylo says. “I will pay like any other customer. We enjoyed your place and we will be back. Just tell me how much I owe you.”

“My lord,” the blond man says, “I am from Kothlis. My sister and her whole family – husband and three children – lived there until recently.”

He pauses; Kylo freezes on his chair and is silent, too.

“They got evacuated in time,” the owner resumes, his voice firm but breaking a little at the end of the sentence. “My sister recorded in a holo what you did there. I saw it with my own eyes: the meteorites frozen in the atmosphere as her transport sailed safely to one of your star destroyers waiting in orbit. I have no idea how it is possible, but I know what I saw, and I know what they wrote on the holonet was true.”

He looks down at Kylo, smiling. Mara grins back at him, while Kylo looks away, naturally, but doesn’t interrupt and doesn’t seem displeased.

“Whenever you come here, my lord, my lady, it will always be on the house,” the owner adds.

“Thank you,” Kylo says.

When the man leaves, Mara turns to Kylo and peers at his face.

“What did I tell you? As for balance and redemption, you’re doing pretty well for yourself!”

His wife leans in and kisses his cheek, then takes his hand and stands up.

“Let’s go for a walk, Kylo,” she says. “Chances are, more people want to thank you, and I will enjoy watching you suffer through it.”

They walk out of the café’s terrace onto the busy street of Hanna City, her hand never leaving his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it - with a surprise for the end! Did you see it coming? Did you guess beforehand who Lyra was? 
> 
> So, it’s the end of the story and the end of the series. I feel strange saying goodbye to these characters - I’ve enjoyed writing it and I do hope some of you have also enjoyed reading! Thank you for coming all this way with me - every little piece of feedback will be treasured, so please drop me a line and tell me how you liked it.

**Author's Note:**

> For those who want more, I have another Kylo/OFC story, already complete: [The Fever](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18147002/chapters/42910568). Enjoy and please tell me what you think.


End file.
